To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

[TheBlueRobin]

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

WTF have I just read?

People have registries for their baby requirements now?

Jeez. How chavvy and grabby. Baby showers are bad enough.

I wouldn't have gone if it was five minutes away, never mind a nine hour round trip.

Honestly don’t go OP. The expectation for people to shell out/drive/attend things these days is madness. My Cousin expected me to drive 6 hours to her 40th birthday party in a pub along with my DH and 3 very young DC. Er….no thanks.
Didn’t go down well when I refused but would’ve been a very expensive nightmare

It’s a bloody baby shower not a ‘special event’. Send a card and a little gift, you’re completely overthinking this.

I think ring her, things don't come across well on text, just say sorry can't make it, explain re travel and say you will plan to come up in Autumn when hopefully can meet baby and maybe take a day off then so can stay with your dad and not rush.
Registry is awful , really

I think in your shoes I'd not attend the baby shower, quoting the unexpected financial/work reasons you've mentioned. I'd really apologise for this and consider sending a gift on the day before or of the shower.

I would also ask the friend who is expecting whether you could see her soon for some one on one catch up time - could you meet in the middle and spend the day together ? Or is there a bank holiday or such coming up where you could use the three day weekend to space out the travel and stay with family/friends to avoid hotel costs? Hope you get some quality time with your friend soon OP x

Absolutely do not go. I think the variance in view here is largely down to how people think about baby showers in general…

IMO it is not an “important event”. It is not a wedding and it actually is not even that the baby is born!

Make a long weekend of something after the baby is born to drop in and take food to her and have a catch up and coo over the baby. You’ve already done a lot in getting something from the registry (gah awful!) and being there at her wedding.

I don’t know if you have had a wedding / baby shower OP but if not it is unlikely she will be making the same effort for you in the coming years so don’t give this any thought. You are not a bad friend.

And FWIW those who disagree with baby showers on principle are not bad people either ;) x

YANBU. I'm the one who moved away, although closer to 2 hours rather than 4. The road only ever goes one way and I'm becoming much more cynical about giving up my increasingly precious free time to make the journey.

I visited recently, DH had the car I had a nightmare trip on public transport. It was for a life event for a dear friend, so on the one hand I'm glad I made the effort because I do love her. On the other, I spent 4 times as much time on public transport as I did with friends and missed out on a lovely sunny day in the garden with my DC...

I would wait, and visit when the baby comes - you'll actually get to see your friend then.

No I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't try and find an excuse just say you can't make it.

@ExtraOnions

its NOT a 'special event' it's just a baby shower.

& she has been to 'special events' ie her wedding.

you really can't imagine why she doesn't want to drive 8+ hours to go to a baby shower, you lack imagination.

@TheBlueRobin

YANBU I hate baby showers, anyway, no way I'd be going 4 hours for one. I'd rather go another weekend & spend time with her instead of a not really spending much time with her.

I suppose another option, which I'd go for first is staying over, baby shower & an evening & another half day to spend with her, is that an option??

I did this for my lovely DIL, I wouldn't for pa friend unless I could add a few days on.

Me too.
The older I get the easier it is to say, "sorry, not my sort of thing".

I think baby showers are daft, baby registers tacky.

Thank god they simply have never come up.

Of course YANBU.
You have other things you want to spend your free time on.
It’s fine to just say no when something really doesn’t work for you. It doesn’t make you a bad person, If’s just self-preservation not to do things that you don’t want to do.

Agree - baby showers are just another unnecessary imported American commoditisation of everything, in this case, new life.

Just tell her that upon reflection, that you just can't do that journey right now. Send gift , card and try to arrange a visit after baby born that you can couple up with vist to your family.

Feckin' "baby showers" and "gift registers".

More money wasted.

Thanks all, this has given me some clarity! I certainly should have withdrawn before, but thats a lesson learnt. I think I'm a people pleaser and need to enforce my own boundaries more. I've previously travelled 4/5 hours for hens and weddings and it is draining, I do think baby showers are very overrated.

I'll reach out to her to explain I won't be attending but planning to send the gift and hope she has a lovely time. She will have a great time with others and won't miss me being there. I'll ask to see her once baby is born and have quality time, hopefully in our home town when she comes to see her family, as that is equidistant from where we both are. We also both will be attending a mutual hen and wedding next year so there are future opportunities too.

You didn't confirm you would be there and I actually don't think your friend would expect you attend( it would be unreasonable if she did I think)
Perhaps arrange to go up( and stay over in a hotel) when baby is safely here.
I'm glad baby showers weren't a thing when I had mine
A gift registry WTF?!
Out of curiosity what was on there?

I'll reach out to her to explain I won't be attending but planning to send the gift and hope she has a lovely time. She will have a great time with others and won't miss me being there. I'll ask to see her once baby is born and have quality time
Why send a gift for a made-up event you're not attending? If you're planning to see her soon after the baby is born I'd give a gift then as is traditional.

I would just send a message saying ‘really sorry but I can’t make it, Hope you have a lovely time. I look forward to meeting Baby X in due course’.

You can't understand why someone wouldn't want to undertake an 8 hour round trip for a baby shower. Have you tried travelling on a Saturday in August on our congested roads?

This. What ????? Don't even think about it.

If she's made a big effort for your special things likes hen do etc then I'd go. If not then don't.
My friend travelled from Cornwall to London for mine and I really treasured it.

I think the joining via zoom for part of it is a good compromise

Thanks, I agree. You hope things like that would be reciprocated! I haven't gone through the hen/wedding milestones yet but I attended her wedding, significant birthdays and always reached out to her when I was in her area.

I wouldn't be attending a baby shower 4 minutes away let alone 4 hours! Its grabby and tacky, luckily all my friends already know my views on them!