Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my friend's baby shower 4 hours away

118 replies

TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 08:16

An old friend from school is having a baby in September - WONDERFUL NEWS! Her best friends are throwing a baby shower for her this weekend. The baby shower is local to her. I live over 4 hours away. There are some other school friends attending but they live 2 hours closer.

Am I being unreasonable if I don't want to go? To be clear I never flake, am always punctual and have always made an effort with friends. I attended her wedding and sent her housewarming gifts etc. She's a lovely person and was very kind to me after my Mum passed away but we only see each other about twice a year and don't really keep in touch in-between.

I feel bad as I did say I would try to make it on the group chat(didn't 100% confirm) as they know I live furthest away.

I just don't really fancy an 8 (likely 9) hour round trip on my weekend for a few hours of silly games and probably not even catching up with my friend properly. But I feel quite guilty especially if I'm the only school friend not attending

That's my whole weekend gone. Though I could see my Dad on the way to break up the journey. Perhaps I'm just very tired from work and seeing everything as a burden?

I've bought her a gift from her registry and considering sending them with a little something to say sorry and hope everything goes well.

My friend is a lovely person but we're not a close group of friends, more that we've just stayed in touch since school, her best friends will be there so I don't feel like I'd add anything there, other than catching up with mutual friends?

YABU - you made a commitment, don't be flakey, step up and be good friend

YANBU - I wouldn't fancy it either, it doesn't mean you're a bad friend

OP posts:
1983Louise · 01/08/2024 09:05

Don't go, you're an adult now so are allowed to say no. She won't miss you so why bother, best to visit when the baby here and then celebrate with her.

Pickingmyselfup · 01/08/2024 09:06

I wouldn't go to something 4 hours away either and I wouldn't expect anyone to come if it were me for a baby shower.

I think it's fine to say you've thought about it but can't attend because it's not until September so it's not last minute especially since you haven't officially confirmed.

If you had officially confirmed and it was this weekend then I would be saying you need to go but that's not the case (unless there has been money paid on your behalf but without an official confirmation I can't imagine that to be the case)

Alfonsoo · 01/08/2024 09:06

Why not just ring her up and explain your problem and say you prefer to see her another?

Rubyupbeat · 01/08/2024 09:11

I would send the present and go see her when baby is here. You could stay with your dad for a catch up on the way back.
I personally think baby showers are another thing for a mum to be to stress about, yes, greed is in there too, maybe, but one of my sons friends spent over 2 grand on theirs, ridiculous!
Just chill, knowing she will have lots of people there, you won't be missed (in the nicest way)

Original poster
TheBlueRobin · 01/08/2024 09:18

Sunsetsandcocktails · 01/08/2024 08:23

I think it depends on what has been planned, if it’s just a catch up at someone’s house I think fine to text now and say ‘really sorry but I’m unable to make it this weekend, hope you have a great time’. This is what I do for all baby shower invitations: just say no, no explanation (cos I bloody hate them).

if stuff has been booked though and you’re expected to be there it’s a bit bad to pull out now but like you say she’ll have her other friends there. What has changed from when you said you’d go as assuming you’ve always known it would be an 8hr round trip?

either way just confirm yes or no now and be done with it. Send the present after the baby has arrived safely.

Thanks for this. Just to add some context. Since I had the invite a few weeks ago I've had a few significant and unexpected expenses such as vet bills and car repair (over £800) and just a lot on with deadlines at work, so I'm just quite drained mentally and also know it will be £60+ in fuel there and back! Quite trivial really but it's just felt like one thing after another.

OP posts:
hereismydog · 01/08/2024 09:19

I’m not going to my friend’s shower either as it’s a 10hr round trip and I’m also going to be fairly heavily pregnant at the time so would be stopping off for endless wees and am in a fair bit of pain whilst driving as it is. I have bought her a gift and will join in via FaceTime for the ‘guessing games’ part on the day as I’d like to be there to celebrate with her in some way.

People will understand!

Shan5474 · 01/08/2024 09:28

I disagree with previous posters and don’t think you should tell the truth that the journey is too much. You must have known how far away it was when you got the invite a few weeks ago so to use that reason a few days beforehand will seem like you just can’t be bothered with your friend. I wouldn’t go either, personally, but you do need a better excuse (illness, work, something urgent has come up). It’s rubbish when people cancel on you last minute because they just cba

gamerchick · 01/08/2024 09:30

A registry for a baby shower? Christ.

Stop being so nice. You don't have the spoons for that kind of shindig. The end.

ACynicalDad · 01/08/2024 09:32

Whilst it's late for a reply and that is a bit rude I'd not want to do it. I'd put something on the chat like, I'm really sorry I can't make it, but I can't wait to visit once the baby is a few weeks old and have a proper catch-up.

Caroparo52 · 01/08/2024 09:32

YANBU.
It's a very long way. Send a gift and card.
Don't feel guilty. They will have a great time

Seas164 · 01/08/2024 09:35

Registry?

You'd struggle to get me to a wedding four hours away never mind a communal delivering of the gifts to the unborn.

Izzynohopanda · 01/08/2024 09:37

I wouldn’t go for a four hour trip, which could easily be longer if you hit traffic problems.

Just send your apologies, and say you look forward to meeting the baby when s//he arrives.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/08/2024 09:39

Goslingsforlife · 01/08/2024 08:19

who in their right mind attends a (grabby) baby shower 4h away. I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

God, I wouldn’t go in a million years.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/08/2024 09:42

Goslingsforlife · 01/08/2024 08:19

who in their right mind attends a (grabby) baby shower 4h away. I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

Same here. Tacky gift grabs, waste of time.

Wouldn't even occur to me to attend.

Noshowlomo · 01/08/2024 09:42

There is no way I’m paying £60 petrol for a baby shower. Bugger that! You’re fine not to go OP, and go when the baby is born.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/08/2024 09:42

ExtraOnions · 01/08/2024 08:23

She sounds like she’s been a good friend, and supportive to you, I can’t quite understand why you wouldn’t want to go to her special event.

As long as you are honest with her .. you aren’t going because you can’t be bothered. Don’t be lying about it, and claiming “Covid” that’s cowardly.

Because it involves eight hours of travel!

endofanera23 · 01/08/2024 09:45

I'd skip the baby shower and instead arrange a visit after the baby is born to meet him/her, bring gifts and meals for the parents.

MaltipooMama · 01/08/2024 09:45

Iasonnas · 01/08/2024 08:35

"I've bought her a gift from her registry"

What fresh fucking hell is this?

"After the baby comes she’ll be busy and I’m sure you won’t be bothered to travel 8 hours to see a tiny baby and frazzled mum either"

Why will she be "frazzled"? So sick of all this pressure to race to the bottom and fit into "exhausted momma bear" stereotypes.

OP don't go. It'll be total shit, you've bought her a present from her grabby wish list. Travel to see her and your dad when you've got a long weekend and the baby is actually here.

This!! EVERY WORD is spot on!!!

TizerorFizz · 01/08/2024 09:47

Because she might be able to see the baby after it arrives. Baby showers are USA imported. It’s just yet more money and presents. Celebrate a baby when it’s born.

Peonies12 · 01/08/2024 09:48

It's fine not to go, but I think it's pretty poor to say you're not going at this late stage, just because it's a long way. Surely you knew the distance when you said you'd go? I'd be upset if I were your friend and you changed your mind this late. And I don't mind a registry - surely it's better to get them something that's actually useful. I never know what to buy, would much rather just get something off a list.

Hibernatalie · 01/08/2024 09:50

No way in the world would I go to this. No guilt whatsoever. Invite declined, gift sent, job done.

turkeymuffin · 01/08/2024 09:50

You don't have to go.

It sounds like she's the first in your circle to marry and have a baby. I guarantee no one will be creating gift registries for baby number 4,5,6,7,8,9 etc. It's a phase you can skip

quietdays · 01/08/2024 09:51

Goslingsforlife · 01/08/2024 08:19

who in their right mind attends a (grabby) baby shower 4h away. I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

This.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/08/2024 09:51

I would not be making a weekend break out of attending a sodding baby shower.

I spent my entire 30s attending weddings, baby showers, and kids' birthday parties and decided to roughly calculate how much I'd spent on my friends' life choices (having none of these experiences myself during the same time). After nearly fainting, I decided not to attend another baby shower for as long as I live.

One of my colleagues is having her 3rd this year and having a baby shower with a registry! It's so grabby and embarrassing to me.

I'll get off my soapbox now, sorry.

Olika · 01/08/2024 09:55

Just say you cannot make it but hopefully you guys have great celebrations.

Swipe left for the next trending thread