Am I being unreasonable to remove my money from the joint account without saying anything?

[Pancakes78]

Sorry not up to speed with all the abbreviations yet.

My husband and I share a joint account which our wages are paid into.

For a while now I've had an issue with how much money he spends on his children with his ex, my step children. He's always giving them money, whenever they need or want anything their mum just says "ask dad", I can't remember the last time she paid for anything for them it feels like its always us buying every pair of shoes, every phone, every new piece of tech or clothing, he funds their expensive hobby and buys accessories and add ons for it all the time.

When I have said in the past I think the money he spends on them is ridiculous I'm usually shot down or told its necessary, particularly if its regarding their hobbies.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm funding half of everything to do with my stepchildren but I'm never consulted.

I want to remove my wage and put it into a separate sole account and just transfer enough for the joint bills into the joint account and I feel like doing so without saying anything.

It will definitely affect how much disposable income he has free to spend on all this stuff so the liklihood is he'll have to cut back on buying them things. Technically I can afford it but I just think why should I when I'm not even asked?

Stepchildren are teenagers, we also share a younger child who is 5.

No need to do it, just have a separate account. They are his children, what did you expect?

I understand your frustrations and some purchases should be discussed with you, especially if large amounts.

But setting up a separate account like this suggests that communication is not good and could be the nail in the coffin regarding harmonious coparenting.

Not discussing it first feels unnecessarily antagonistic - do you want to start an arguement or find a solution? I can understand how the current situation would grate though - If it’s joint money you should discuss his expenditure and agree what’s reasonable together. If he wants to spend without consulting you then it’s separate finances.

I can understand your frustration, but how do you think he will respond?

It does sound as though you’re jointly picking up a lot of the slack.

I'd definitely do it if it was me, and I'd be doing it in the full knowledge that it might well (probably would) lead to a more-or-less angry conversation that might lead to separation.

100% I would do that. Joint accounts can work, but not in the circumstances you describe where one is routinely spending more on non-joint outgoings. A joint account for bills with both paying in as required, seems much more sensible.

This is exactly my point though, he seems to think it's fine to spend money without consulting me so i feel like not consulting him either when I remove his access to it! Probably petty but I've tried to have this conversation so many times.

To be consulted when he's spending money I have put into the account on his children? Is that unreasonable?

Do it but talk about it first.
Why wouldn't you?

I think you both need separate accounts for your salaries to be paid into. Then have a joint account for household stuff that you both put an agreed amount into every month. Splitting your household costs proportionately to income is fairest. Then he has a clear picture of what’s left for his children.

He’s taking the piss!
So you’re saying that he spends more than he puts in, and that comes from your contribution?
I’d absolutely have separate accounts.

I agree it’s antagonistic to just remove it - why cause a surprise row like that? I’d go for a more controlled row. First, arrange to have your salary paid into your solo account. Then before the first time that happens, tell him that’s what you’re doing.

I have 2 stepchildren - adults now though - and as the higher earner paid for family holidays and support at uni. But my husband never just took the money.

I'm pretty sure their mum pays for plenty for them. Roof over their head, food, electric. Is your husband really buying all the clothing, the pants, socks. I'm guessing they're still school age children. Kids are bloody expensive and he has two, I'd expect it to be hundreds a month. By all means keep your wages separate but if he wants to save his disposable income for his children as well as the one you have together then he'll probably keep prioritising it. Perhaps he thinks just a few more years until adulthood and then he can spend more on your younger child

I've tried to have this conversation so many times

Bloody hell! Why haven’t you separated your accounts already? 🫣
Presumably there’s no backstory here like him being a much higher earner and you having the advantage of his money in the past?

He absolutely can spend his disposable however he likes. The annoyance is that he couldn't spend as much as he is doing without my money in the account but he doesn't consult me prior to spending it or listen to me when I say I don't agree with a purchase.

Do it, but explain to him what you are doing, and why. He may not be pleased but that is on him. Choosing to do it without communicating about it would be on you.

Can you explain that a bit more?
Because that actually reads a bit like he has more disposable income because you share bills - but he’s still only spending from his disposable income.
And I’m not sure that you get a say in whether you agree - beyond the spending if it’s your money. My husband has no say in what I want to spend my money on for my (not his) children! (even though I know he thinks I spoil them 😉)

Definitely keep your money separate from now on.

Have a third joint account for paying joint bills from; each fund that account equally each month, or pro rata depending on income.

Who earns the most?

I'd give him an ultimatum - he either starts to discuss all payments with you (and listens that you aren't happy) or you have separate accounts

Does he pay maintenance for them?

There's no way that a single joint account for everything can work where one person has children to support that are not their partner's.

Maintenance and general expenses for those children should only be met by the partner who is their parent.

So each partner has their own account, and puts into a joint account that pays household bills and the costs of their own shared child.

While I would normally counsel having a conversation OP, I totally get how you feel, and if I'd lived for a long time with a DH who felt it was OK to spend MY money on HIS kids, without my consent, I would have no compunction about letting him find out how it feels to go to the account and find that money he expected to be there, isn't. After all, that's what he's doing to you, so go ahead and give him a taste of his own medicine, and when he asks why, just tell him that you've been trying to tell him for a long time that you've not been happy with him spending your money on his kids, without even discussing it with you, but he's not been prepared to listen, so doing it like this seemed the only way to make yourself heard. If he doesn't like it, then that's tough, he should have listened when you've tried to tell him. However, it does sound like there is a problem with communication generally in the relationship, if you can't get him to listen when you feel the need to discuss something as important as money.

I'd do it, your step kids are taking money away from your child, they have 2 parents to fund them. You'll never get any thanks for it from anyone. I would tell him first and give him some notice though, no need to be an arsehole about it🤷‍♀️

I would do this, yes. If you've had the conversation and he still doesn't respect you enough to consult you then only by him having less (of your) money to spend will he realise that he needs to consider you.

It'll most probably only take a month or two for him to figure out how much of your money was being spent on his kids before he truly wants to have an honest conversation with you.

I wouldn't have had a joint account in the first place. Now it's done though I'd let him know I'm doing it and just do it. I wouldn't keep it a secret.

YANBU. You have obviously tried discussing it like an adult but he is happy spending your disposable income as well as his own.

Keep it separate from now on.