Am I being unreasonable to remove my money from the joint account without saying anything?

[Pancakes78]

Sorry not up to speed with all the abbreviations yet.

My husband and I share a joint account which our wages are paid into.

For a while now I've had an issue with how much money he spends on his children with his ex, my step children. He's always giving them money, whenever they need or want anything their mum just says "ask dad", I can't remember the last time she paid for anything for them it feels like its always us buying every pair of shoes, every phone, every new piece of tech or clothing, he funds their expensive hobby and buys accessories and add ons for it all the time.

When I have said in the past I think the money he spends on them is ridiculous I'm usually shot down or told its necessary, particularly if its regarding their hobbies.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm funding half of everything to do with my stepchildren but I'm never consulted.

I want to remove my wage and put it into a separate sole account and just transfer enough for the joint bills into the joint account and I feel like doing so without saying anything.

It will definitely affect how much disposable income he has free to spend on all this stuff so the liklihood is he'll have to cut back on buying them things. Technically I can afford it but I just think why should I when I'm not even asked?

Stepchildren are teenagers, we also share a younger child who is 5.

This. I voted YAnBU because it's your money so you can do what you want with it, but for the sake of your relationship it's worth telling him, not asking, but at least informing.

You are going to have to tell him. You are both going to need a separate bank account for your wages and a joint one for household expenses.
The trickier bit is going to be how do you decide on savings and money for fun stuff. So for example you want a day out with DH and DD but he wants to buy his child a pair of trainers. How will you negotiate that. What if he doesn't want.to prioritise date nights or holidays over money he spends on his children

Yanbu.

Me and DH get paid into our own accounts then transfer money to the joint account to cover bills and household stuff (including holidays). We transfer in proportion to our wages

If your DH is spending loads on his kids which is your money then that's not on.

Open another account & email finance the details and ask them to pay your salary into there.

Set up a monthly standing order for bills to the joint account.

Then tell your dh that this has been done in time for 1st of August going forwards.

Honestly, you need to have the conversation. Ideally you both would come up with a set amount to spend on his kids. Even more ideally you would have a budget already with him for all spending (including individual no questions asked money).

You sound resentful (no judgement I probably would be too) he’s going be resentful (understandable if you don’t talk before you do it) both of these things if left unchecked can destroy a marriage.

I think you know that you should say ‘since I don’t get any say over what the joint account is spent on, and you refuse to change that, I’ve cut my contribution so it just covers the bills. If you want me to contribute financially to something else, you can discuss it with me like every other couple does.’

The stepkids aren’t taking money from anyone. Let’s not rush to blame children for the decisions of their parents. Whatever they are being given is at their dad’s discretion. Dad is taking money from the youngest if you want to see it that way. Although TBH it doesn’t sound as if anyone is going without.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to have a say. I would however probably have a conversation once you’ve done it before next months pay doesn’t appear in the account.

Definitely do it. It would really piss me off too.

Yes, go for it. Open a sole account for your wages to go into, and calculate your half of joint bills. Transfer that into the joint account.

Just be prepared that he may end up doing the same, and refusing to pay enough into the joint account to cover the bills going out.

I’d say: I don’t think you are keeping track of how much you are spending and us pooling our money is making you think you have a large amounts of disposable income to spend as you please. You’re forgetting it’s mine too and you aren’t discussing it with me. So, bar enough for joint bills, I’m going to take my money out for x months so you can see how heavily you keep dipping into the account.

Bless!

Yes, it's your money

They are not your children.

Why are you supporting children when you have NO say in how the money is spent

You're not a cashpoint

I didn't blame the kids 🤷‍♀️ they are taking OPs money though regardless who is making that decision.

Hes taking the piss. If he wants to bankroll their expensive hobbies and lifestyle then let him pay for it. Id be interested to find out if he cuts back once his disposable income is affected.

Lol the children aren't being "supported" with this money, she's literally said its for hobbies and gadgets

I would have a conversation in terms of money management without mentioning your DSC at all.

I’d focus solely on yourself and say that you’re feeling like you need to manage your money better, To help you do that, you’re planning to have your salary paid into one account, you'll transfer your portion of the bills into the joint, and then you’ll have a better idea of what you have left over every month to save or spend.

That’s completely logical and won’t cause a row. He can do the same if he wishes and he’ll then see how much he has left over for hobbies and gadgets. It’ll help him budget better as well.

Do it. Withdraw your half. Stop paying into it and get your own accounts. Organise your financial agreements into “yours & mine” details and then see how generous he remains with his kids.

Raising children is more than just feeding, housing and clothing them. Kids need fun stuff too! Or should only their Mum buy these things?

True… and and being a partner means being included in all decisions. It’s not hard to pick up a phone and say, “I’m thinking of getting the kids an iPad, what do you think?” If he was truly her partner, he would have finances organised so that their joint account wasn’t plundered for his kids leaving her feeling this way.

You're married and as such you're a partnership imho.

What's yours is his and what's his is yours.

You should be pleased he supports your step kids. So many men don't.

Yes, do it!
He sounds like an entitled CF

Definitely take your money away to a separate account and only have a joint account to pay all the bills, including your joint child's expenses, entertainment and date nights.

You shouldn't have to support his other children's lifestyles, that's money you could be saving for your own child.

Once he's aware how much is his disposable income, he will be more careful with his expenses for sure.

You have tried discussing it with him to no avail. I would make the move and then he will be open to discuss it.

If you've tried to have the conversation and he's shut you down, then do it. Change the bank account for your salary and send him half the joint bills. As a stepmum I've never been expected to fund his kids, and this is exactly how we run our finances after being married for 6+ years. That way I don't have to worry about what he spends on his kids as it comes from his pocket, not mine.

This.