Am I being unreasonable to remove my money from the joint account without saying anything?

[Pancakes78]

Sorry not up to speed with all the abbreviations yet.

My husband and I share a joint account which our wages are paid into.

For a while now I've had an issue with how much money he spends on his children with his ex, my step children. He's always giving them money, whenever they need or want anything their mum just says "ask dad", I can't remember the last time she paid for anything for them it feels like its always us buying every pair of shoes, every phone, every new piece of tech or clothing, he funds their expensive hobby and buys accessories and add ons for it all the time.

When I have said in the past I think the money he spends on them is ridiculous I'm usually shot down or told its necessary, particularly if its regarding their hobbies.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm funding half of everything to do with my stepchildren but I'm never consulted.

I want to remove my wage and put it into a separate sole account and just transfer enough for the joint bills into the joint account and I feel like doing so without saying anything.

It will definitely affect how much disposable income he has free to spend on all this stuff so the liklihood is he'll have to cut back on buying them things. Technically I can afford it but I just think why should I when I'm not even asked?

Stepchildren are teenagers, we also share a younger child who is 5.

Was coming here to say this. Then you’ve covered what you need to live and his disposable money is then his to spend. Same for you.

its actually how me and my husband have split finances for years. So a family meal out comes from the joint account but drinks out with the girls for me comes out of my own money.

Yes I would take it out . Ypu are not their parent but a serious conversation is needed with him

I’d agree, but I’d say do it first, then tell him.

you don’t need permission to move your own money, ffs. (At the situation, not at anyone here!)

I wouldn’t discuss first I would just do it then tell him.

I think it’s fine for you to protect your income from being spent on his kids if that’s what you want to do but no need to be overly dramatic and not tell him. Just have a conversation about it and explain you are ring fencing your money from now on.

Just make sure he still pays for half of what’s needed for your shared child - he might view that as your job when obviously it’s a shared responsibility. If you no longer have a joint account do you trust him to pay his share regarding your child? If so then no issues with what you propose but if he’s going to be difficult about it there are various red flags to worry about.

Because he doesn’t talk about it first when he spends it? And OP has already tried multiple times to have a conversation about it?

Sometimes words don’t work. Action is needed

This! Speak to him and tell him. If he doesn't like it, do it anyway.

Maybe you should match his spending. Open a savings account.
Every time he spends, just move the same amount to your new account...
Then wait till he complains.

@Bollindger Yes, I think the real issue is that he’s spending joint money on hobbies without really thinking about it. It’s in the account so he spends it.

But perhaps the OP would like to spend some of it on something else or save up for something for the house, for example.

That’s the problem when your entire salaries go into one account, the money can get spent so easily. Far better to separate it and use the joint account for bills.

Yes I do think there’s a potential issue here with regards to your joint child.

You need money from him to meet their needs.

I would do it but tell him your doing it, say you've tried to raise this multiple times and you've been ignored and now enough is enough, he is no longer having access to what you earn.
How we do it is we are each paid into our current accounts then we have a standing order to the joint acc for bills. Works well, no arguments. When buying stuff for our daughter one of us will pay and the other transfer their half.

We have separate accounts and two joint accounts - one for household, one for fun. We pay standing orders into both. This deals with a whole range of issues. My partner and I can spend are own money on whatever we want, no questions.

Separate the money.

Tell him that your wages are now going into an account in your own name and you will put enough to cover your share of bills into the joint account.

Suggest he does the same so that the joint account is just for bills.

Absolutely do this. I think having separate finances is needed in this situation.
Your dh is then free to spend HIS personal money on his DCs as he sees fit but isnt spending yours as well. Which is what seems to be happening currently with all money in a joint pot. As you have tried to discuss this many times and it’s fallen on deaf ears, just do it and tell him it’s done.

No, their mother and father should be. And if they can't afford it then they need to scale back their children's expectations and not rely on a third person who has said she feels the spending is over the top.

I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d tell him and do the transfer immediately before he got his hands on it first!!

They aren't co parenting

I'm a guy, (not that that matters), but if my partner did this, I'd pull my half out of the joint before my next breath.

I'm with you 100%.