Am I being unreasonable to remove my money from the joint account without saying anything?

[Pancakes78]

Sorry not up to speed with all the abbreviations yet.

My husband and I share a joint account which our wages are paid into.

For a while now I've had an issue with how much money he spends on his children with his ex, my step children. He's always giving them money, whenever they need or want anything their mum just says "ask dad", I can't remember the last time she paid for anything for them it feels like its always us buying every pair of shoes, every phone, every new piece of tech or clothing, he funds their expensive hobby and buys accessories and add ons for it all the time.

When I have said in the past I think the money he spends on them is ridiculous I'm usually shot down or told its necessary, particularly if its regarding their hobbies.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm funding half of everything to do with my stepchildren but I'm never consulted.

I want to remove my wage and put it into a separate sole account and just transfer enough for the joint bills into the joint account and I feel like doing so without saying anything.

It will definitely affect how much disposable income he has free to spend on all this stuff so the liklihood is he'll have to cut back on buying them things. Technically I can afford it but I just think why should I when I'm not even asked?

Stepchildren are teenagers, we also share a younger child who is 5.

My adult DCs have their salary paid into their own accounts then transfer some for bills etc
Just point out they also have a mother funding their DCs lives.

each partner has their own account, and puts into a joint account that pays household bills and the costs of their own shared child.

Exactly this.

If you do it without a discussion and an agreed plan, then what’s to stop him overdrawing the bills account or spending the money allocated on his children?

Have the discussion- without blame, try to stick to practicalities.

You'd be crazy not to

This is what we do as I never signed up to pay everything for his DC but I think you need to tell him in advance even if just a week otherwise it’s quite childish to be honest

Definitely have your wages paid into a different account and transfer your share of the bills.

Presumably their mum is actually paying for stuff for them, like food and heating and water…

Definitely open a new sole account @Pancakes78 Have your wages go in there and transfer your half out of the joint.

Present as a fait accompli. Shouldn't be too long before he recognizes his disposable income is rapidly disappearing.

Tell him this.
I don't want to argue anymore about you spending your money on your children.
Your right I should it be dictating how you spend your money.
So I have arranged for my money to go into my own account and I will give you my share of the bills...
When he argues that you should still share an account. Tell him you agree , that you will share the bills account...
Keep repeating this to him, as if your agreeing .

Tell him you're doing it, but obviously besides the bills you'll still need to jointly pay for food and expenses of your joint DC, so there'll need to be a discussion.

There’s no problem with the set up you’re suggesting - DH and I do the same, separate accounts for our salaries and we both transfer a set amount into our joint account. I don’t think I’d ever share access to my full salary to be honest. But it is unreasonable to change the current arrangement without telling him - you’re a grown up, you’re raising a child with this man, just have a conversation.

Make your joint account just for your bills/household expenses, and then you both have your own money to spend as you want.

Tell him or else he will take money for his kids and Suddenly won't be enough left in account for household bills

There's no way that a single joint account for everything can work where one person has children to support that are not their partner's

It can and it does work. I married a man with children from a previous marriage. They need supporting and I'm not bothered whether it's with my money or with his money. It's family money and those children are my family.

I don't think your husband should have to ask you before he spends money on his kids - but it should be his money not yours. So I vote yes - put only the bill money into the joint account and suggest he does the same then buy other things from your own accounts.

You will need to work out how to pay for food, your shared child, home maintenance etc fairly.

It's not petty, it sounds like you've given him plenty of opportunities to discuss how the money is spent and he's ignored it.

He's being a cheeky fucker.

I'd do it without discussion in case he does it and takes yours too.

Tell him you're doing it and be prepared for the fallout. Your marriage is in trouble, I'm afraid.

Finally a man that wants to spend money on his children though! Would you consult him about spending on your joint child? You’re married so to me that makes a difference re joint spending.
is he spending money that’s supposed to be spent elsewhere? Is it resulting in financial hardship, is it resulting in no holidays etc?
do you maybe both need to just sit down and budget together? Maybe use a current account like starling or monzo that has savings pots? You could maybe have a specific pot for kids hobbies? So that you both understand where the money is going.
no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for being cross for not being consulted, but I do think you’re both unreasonable for not having a proper conversation and agreed outcome about budgeting.

It's fine to make the change that you are suggesting, and even to tell him that's what you are doing rather than open it up for discussion, but not telling him makes it petty. It's not good for a relationship to be petty like that.

Just tell him: this is what I'm doing and why. We evidently aren't able to come to an agreement about whether or not I should be consulted, so this removes that problem.

I would also suggest that he does the same thing, to make it clear that this is not intended to be unfair.

I understand your frustration but, do you want to solve the problem or are you trying to prove a point? Not telling him first, because that's what he does to you is proving a point. Telling him what you are going to do and why, agreeing how much you will transfer each month for bills and then removing your wages and arranging for future wages to go into your own account, is resolving the problem. I think keeping it separate is a good idea. It might also help him to learn to say 'no' occasionally, once the impact of funding everything falls entirely on him.

Move the money out , you’ve tried it other ways .

This

How many people on here saying it should only be his money spent on his children, have a partner supporting them and/or a child that's not theirs?

This.
They are his dc and they have two parents. I hope you actually do it and not just discuss it and he placates you with empty promises. He's shown you he feels completely entitled to your money so I wouldn't trust promises at this point.

You’ve tried talking to him and he’s shown he doesn’t care what you think, which must be hurtful. Your only option is to separate the money as you’re planning.