to be a SAHM

[Bluepinkgreenyellow]

Would you be a SAHM in my position?

I appreciate I am in an extremely fortunate position to be considering this. I'm late 30s and have 2 children under 4, currently on maternity leave. Need to make the decision soon if I don't return to my job. I've been part time after my first child. It was incredibly stressful juggling my LO and job, with a lot of responsibility - there's always more work to be done and it's hard to switch off. I want my kids to be my complete priority, and at the end of my life, I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work. I wouldn't say I enjoy my work - it's just something that needs to be done. I can't think of how adapting what I do would make me enjoy it more.

As for relying on my partner financially, we've spoken about how finances would work if I gave up work and we would pay into a private pension for me etc. If we were to split, I think would be tighter financially but would still be ok.

I want to be a SAHM but I'm also worried about judgement from others. I have achieved a lot in my professional qualifications and career to date, and wonder whether others I meet in the future would look down on me (eg other parents etc).

Is there anything else I'm missing or need to consider? How much do children still need you once they're in primary/secondary school?

You are being unreasonable - you would NOT be a SAHM in my position
You are not being unreasonable - you would be a SAHM in my position

I loved being a SAHM when mine were babies and toddlers. I love working term time only now they’re all school age (and didn’t find it hard reentering work at all, albeit I do work with young kids...) I feel very lucky to have had and still have so much time with them - they’re some of my favourite people to be with so why wouldn’t I want to have as much time with them as I can?

I’m a SAHM. Always being a sAHM since just got married. Love being a sahm. We are married. We have 2 houses. One for rent and one for live in. If you want to be a sahm makesure you know your husband. If he is stingy or not. My husband really supportive me being a sahm.

Life’s too short to worry about what people think, OP. If being a SAHM would make you happy, it’d work for all your family and you can afford it, do it!

In terms of reliable good childcare, I found that the youngest years were the easiest - good nurseries, or lovely homely childminders, or a fabulous nanny.

The early school years were the worst and most difficult for childcare. The challenge of wrap-around care, holidays, unexpected school closures, dc who are sick and need someone to take time off. We managed it because I'd not stepped off the career ladder and could afford all needed combinations of care and support, plus the age difference of my dc helped (full time nanny for youngest until oldest was 10).

My career meant that I could become self employed. This coincided with dc's teenage years. In retrospect that was a godsend. There are no 'childcare'
options for teens, but they are at times vulnerable and in need of support. It was fantastic that during those difficult years I could be home when they returned from school. If things were going badly they needed ME (not a nanny).

In summary, people often focus on how important the early years are with your kids, but for me, the much more important years were the challenging teen ones.

From what you have described OP the issue is not necessarily you have a job it is the particular job you had and your boss making things difficult. I also wonder how much your DH pulled his weight?

I suggest you go back to work part time at your current job but look for another job immediately somewhere that is more family friendly. Primary school is the age where you need more flexibility and it’s easier to get that if you are already in a job and are a known quantity. So I would find something else now and give yourself that opportunity. It will pay off in the long run. It protects your income and career which benefits both you and your family.

The major difference between childcare and school is that at school it’s you they want. You to go to the school play and assembly. At childcare as long as someone competent is looking after them they are ok.

Trying to get back into the workforce after taking time out and also getting the flexibility that you want is really tough. You’re better off establishing yourself in a workplace now and then when the kids start school ask for additional leave without pay etc. I’m also a firm believer that when a parent returns to work after may leave then the other parent should take on responsibility for all child sick days for the first 6 months while the other parent re-establishes themselves. Get your DH to do this.

I'm a SAHM, on the whole I love it - of course some days I don't. I will go back part time once my youngest starts school and oh my goodness the judgement I have received for that decision! I have never felt so looked down upon from certain women I know and I was a company director educated to post grad level!

As others have said though, it doesn't matter what other people think. If you will enjoy it, do it. Your kids will only be small once.

I love being a SAHM, I also
know plenty of other mums who love it too. Lots of mums who came from a variety of careers and who don't regret it for a second!

Go for it OP!

Best thing I’ve ever done. Time and making memories is everything 😊

Disregard strongly any judgment from others. Be proud of your contribution to your marriage, home and children 😊

In answer to your question, they absolutely still need you whilst at school:

• School events- fairly frequent, I have 2 children, so this is doubled (Sports Day and Christmas are different days and times).
• Illness. Mine are never ill at the same time, so again it’s double. When my DS was in Reception he suffered from diarrhaeoa that went on for 8 days (🙀😂) followed by a horrific patch of ringworm on his face that took multiple Dr & pharmacy trips trying out multiple treatments to shift it, followed by recurring ear infections and partial hearing loss, so again GP/pharmacy/specialist hearing team appointments. I alternated this with my 2 year old DD suddenly losing the majority of her hair, which had to be quite urgently investigated by the hospital. It was quite hard for me juggling her hospital appointments with my son’s school run, and I think if I had also been working during that 6 month period I would definitely have been sacked! 😂
• Tiredness/well being- their school is very academic, my son is tired after school and often completely done by 4:15/30 even if we are just chilling at the park/library/he has a friend at ours, he’s had enough 😂 he says how much he loves just relaxing at home after school.
• They enjoy having friends over/visiting friends/attending local events straight from school/some do swimming lessons (although I actually prefer these on Sat mornings due to after school tiredness). Now my son is nearing the end of Year 1, this is stepping up with his football commitments.
• Reading/homework- it was easier to get this done straight after school initially, although now my son is older this is fine at bedtime.

I wish you well whatever you decide 😊

This thread is from last July

Why have you dug up a thread from almost a year ago? Weird.

I hadn’t actually noticed the date, unsure why it popped up if not recent? I could ask you the same thing though? 😂

It popped up in active for me when you commented on it.

Fair enough. I am keen to reply with positivity and support other posters who have questions or advice about being a SAHM as I am aware they encounter a great deal of negativity. Unsure why you notice or care as you clearly don’t want to be one, so of course any advice won’t be of interest 🤷🏻‍♀️

I always reply on these types of threads with caution. I assume they want to hear all opinions, not just 'yay, be a SAHM' or they wouldn't post on AIBU.

That’s fair enough. We must hear all sides of any debate (I have actually agreed with many of your points on previous debates, you have called me ‘weird’ and challenged many of my comments in a way I don’t with you).

Do you realise that it can feel difficult doing something you really enjoy but that is so misunderstood and judged by others? I was literally pushing my DD in a swing at the park on Sat and overheard a Mum in a very loud voice telling her Mum and someone on the phone how ‘she always knew she could never be a full time parent and had to have an end date’ with complete disdain. I would never speak like that and rubbish anything that somebody is interested in. And by the way, I actually dislike her use of the term ‘full time parent’, as we are clearly all full time parents.

I think some people are genuinely curious and have questions for SAHPs. I did wonder if I would be bored, as I had a very fast-paced job before. I do a great deal of reading as my mind is very active. I certainly don’t think everybody should be one, I know many really talented, intelligent, brilliant mothers who understandably have other skill sets and careers they are passionate about. I find the role really rewarding, possibly more so because I am a HSP.

Does it make others feel better to think SAHMs are unhappy? Well if it does, I will be come September when my DD starts school, as all the best parts of the role will have disappeared then. I feel like I am being made redundant from the best job/role/responsibility/whatever you want to call it that I’ve ever had. It’s absolutely the right thing for my children, they attend an excellent school, I don’t want to home educate (although understand and fully respect the reasons of others who do). But yes, on the note of caution, I am devastated this time is coming to an end, so feeling particularly nostalgic about it all. So I am pleased for anyone who does have a job or something else they are passionate about if that prevents them from feeling sad.

I thought it was weird when it seemed as if you had deliberately posted on an old thread but you said you didn't realise the date which is fair enough. I don't think it's weird that you want to encourage other SAHM's, that's only natural because you've enjoyed the experience so much yourself.

Of course I understand. I watched DH go back to his career after DS was born with no judgement or pressure to go part time or sacrifice his career in any way yet I was called selfish and asked why I bothered having children if I wanted nursery to raise them. I was almost jealous that DH just got to live his life with no judgement and then angry because of the blatant double standards.

That must have been hard and is understandable to feel like that. The whole thing about nurseries raising children is ridiculous, I would be very upset if somebody said that to me - mine have both loved their nursery. It’s been lovely to have other people who care about them to discuss certain things with. Similarly, schools clearly don’t raise children, but it’s great to have a wider range of adults and personalities around them.

I never felt judged as a woman working full time before children, but the judgment of all mothers is off the chart. It’s been an eye-opener. Even though I’m at home, it’s still not good enough. Members of my own family disapproved of my DH changing our then 7 month old’s nappy in a restaurant - we were out for lunch for my birthday! Similarly, I have both family members and friends who are shocked my DH will cook dinner after a day at work. It actually helps him decompress and he enjoys it, but I can sense the disapproval. My closest friend disapproves of how much DIY I do, and firmly believes my DH shouldn’t be allowing me to do that, even though I enjoy it! My DH has 2 friends who are really high earners who constantly question him about why he is not a deputy head or head yet? He’s proud to say he doesn’t want to increase his workload further whilst his children are young, but this is not understood by his male friends. It is all exhausting.

The thing I miss most about work is my friends and the social side. It can be lonely being a SAHM, it has been hard to make a genuine friend due to the sporadic nature of baby/toddler group attendance and the school run is interesting! It is really odd being on the other side as an ex-teacher, I still feel like a teacher but I’m now on the school run with lots of people who are a good 10 years younger than me, who’ve never had a career and some of whom are openly very hostile to teachers/education etc. I have really struggled to feel I fit in anywhere since having children TBH.

So I really do believe mothers should do things however they want. It may really help your children growing up watching you and your DH do everything 50:50, hopefully they will feel less conflicted trying to combine careers and parenthood with less guilt, regardless of gender.