to be a SAHM

[Bluepinkgreenyellow]

Would you be a SAHM in my position?

I appreciate I am in an extremely fortunate position to be considering this. I'm late 30s and have 2 children under 4, currently on maternity leave. Need to make the decision soon if I don't return to my job. I've been part time after my first child. It was incredibly stressful juggling my LO and job, with a lot of responsibility - there's always more work to be done and it's hard to switch off. I want my kids to be my complete priority, and at the end of my life, I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work. I wouldn't say I enjoy my work - it's just something that needs to be done. I can't think of how adapting what I do would make me enjoy it more.

As for relying on my partner financially, we've spoken about how finances would work if I gave up work and we would pay into a private pension for me etc. If we were to split, I think would be tighter financially but would still be ok.

I want to be a SAHM but I'm also worried about judgement from others. I have achieved a lot in my professional qualifications and career to date, and wonder whether others I meet in the future would look down on me (eg other parents etc).

Is there anything else I'm missing or need to consider? How much do children still need you once they're in primary/secondary school?

You are being unreasonable - you would NOT be a SAHM in my position
You are not being unreasonable - you would be a SAHM in my position

No, my best friend took sometime out to be a SAHM when she had her first child. At the time her husband was in a very good career and she felt that the industry she was in she would be able to go back to easily. Both Industries changed. His earning power has dramatically reduced. She is finding it impossible to get back into her former career and is indeed struggling to get jobs as she is being seen as over-qualified. They struggle to pay their bills and there is a lot of tension in that house.

Thanks - this is a good point about being judged either way.

And thanks to everyone so far - appreciate the comments. Not really spoken to anyone in real life about this yet.

whatever you do you shall be judged try not to worry too much

its great you can choose isn't that what is best for women

That would be a nightmare scenario, thanks for sharing. Something to consider.

This.

I agree. During the course me reflecting on what to do, I was thinking about 'traditional housewives', and how all those years ago women fought to be able to work etc. But I realised that what they gave us was the ability to have a choice. I've had a career which was not open to women 100 years ago. I'm so fortunate to be able to have the choice to not work if that's what I want and best for my family.

Nothing matters less than what other people think OP.
Nothing matters more than your emotional well-being and your children.
You get one life - this is it, now.
Do what you feel you need to do.

I never went back to work after kids - now they are 21, 19, 17, 15. Best decision of my life and I would do it all over again.

Nobody in 20 years has ever asked me why I don’t work. It’s only on MN that people care about this.

I wouldn’t bother asking on here. It will be the usual posters, same old same old. But they know nothing and they are nothing to do with your children.

This.

ETA - just seen that you're married. Do it if you want to and you're both in agreement wrt finances - do you have access to those finances?

I was SAHM for 10 years. I didn't ever feel like I was being judged for it. Dh and I were both happy with our decision. I do now work part time, and have no regrets.

As a very long term sahm this comes down to a few things and the main one being the expectation and attitude of your Dh and trust me I have seen other husbands go completely hands off re housework and child rearing leaving everything to the wife.

To protect yourself, keep any skills up to date if you can.
Pay into a separate pension pot for yourself.
Make sure you have full access to finances
Joint decision making about spending "family" money
Housework and expectations surrounding that.
Don't put yourself last, if you need clothes, hair cut, shoes, you should be able to buy them.

Dh had a lie in every Saturday, I had one every Sunday. He spent time on his own with both children to build an incredible relationship with them. We also did one on one time with each child, so if he had to go to the shops he would take a child with him.

Finances are the big one and this puts a lot of pressure on your Dh to be the sole earner so my advice is to check in to make sure everyone is happy. As to what anyone else thinks, fuck them, they are not living your life. It is the best decision we ever made, very low stress levels for us over the past 20 years.

It's not about what other people think but about what is sensible. It's actually harder to juggle work when they're at primary school. And it will be harder and harder for you to juggle everything and find a job, you won't have any flexibility because you'll have to prove yourself all over again at a time when kids are very demanding, so you'll postpone etc. Many women find themselves in that position and regretting it.

You work.part time already which already gives you a lot of balance. I'd stick to that.

You do what's right for you. It doesn't matter what others think.

I know one SAHM and don't think any less of her, she did what she felt was right for her family. On the other hand, she feels that working parents are inferior to her or at least it comes across like that.

If your husband leaves, what will your plan for work be? Realistically even after a divorce settlement you will need to work again, being married won't help you with that.

I know everyone thinks it won't happen to them, but it took me by surprise too.

I also have this option. I’d probably do it if we could afford some half day nursery places anyway without other cut backs. I haven’t decided yet (not due to return to work just yet) but I’m leaning towards staying in work, I don’t love love my job, but I also know that in my industry I’ve got a good one and I wouldn’t get the same salary.

i think staying at home with kids is way harder than work and going to work for a few days make me a more energetic and fun mammy when I’m off.

I would be bored shitless and exhausted from the monotony and not actually achieving anything tbh. Every stay at home parent I know can barely hold an adult conversation after a few years.

It sounds like a job you actually like would be better.

Also, what would you do if your husband got sick and couldn't work any more, whether for a few months or a few years? You'd have to look after all of them with no real income to speak of, and a thrown away career.

I would never do something or not do it based on fear of what other people will say. You can’t live like that.

I personally would not do it because I value my career and my financial independence and being at home with kids FT is not for me.

But if you are financially protected and it’s what you want to do fuck what other people think.

Thank you - this is a really helpful post. We've already talked about most on your list, and especially the pressure on my DH to earn. If you have anymore tips like this, please share.

Wondering/worrying what other people will think should not influence ANY decision you make on how to live your life. So if that’s the only thing making you hesitate, don’t let it.

Thanks - could you expand on why it's harder to juggle work when they're at primary school? Is it because of school holidays and pick ups at 3pm (as opposed to later nursery pick ups)?
The balance at the moment is not great, and I'm not sure how I'd be able to continue with a second child in the mix. And while the extra money is great, we can cope without...

@Bluepinkgreenyellow I think the best advice I can give is a whole relationship one, for us we are the priority, mine and Dh's relationship. We are a team, if one of us is tired we tap out, the other one takes over. We treat each other like we have only been dating 6 months instead of almost 30 years. Phones down, look at each other, talk and not just about the children.

I think checking in and asking each other is there anything I can do that would make your life easier? Finances were fine for us as we know each other's spending habits so could trust each other.

For everyone who says you could split up well that also happens to people who work full time or part time too. I am sure if you were to split then you could find another job. I am friends with one other long term sahm, everyone else went back to work at some point. It can be lonely, it is certainly repetitive days but it depends how well you can deal with that over and over and over again.

By feeling superior to ‘working parents’ she means ‘mothers’ doesn’t she? I’m sure she sees no problem with her DH working.

As everyone else says its up to you.
Although I do think though there is a lot to be said for decent well paid part time jobs which can be like gold dust to find so I would definitely consider that and what coming back to work would look like if you wanted to or needed too.

I was made redundant from my part time role in 2020 and had to go back to full time again in a new role. Thankfully it was covid times, wfh full time was a thing and my youngest was on the cusp of finishing primary school so it was manageable. I'm not sure what it would of have done if I had had to of gone full time earlier and now I'm really glad I stuck at the part time roles as they have all got me in to a job I love and pays enough I can support myself and my children (single parent).

Don't worry about others, do what is right for you. Fwiw I seem to get more judgement than my sahm friends do for being a working parent who has a high level job so at times work away. It depends on circumstances and the circles you're in I think

This.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What really matters is what you and your husband think. If your husband really values the role of a sahm then you'll find that your family life is generally happy and low stress and everyone feels fulfilled.

My kids are primary school aged now and in some ways I feel like they need me more. Of course you no longer have to feed them, bring them toileting, etc, but you need to help them with homework and navigating friendships, and bringing them to all their extra curriculars, etc. I know you can still do these things as a working mom but for me I look forward to picking them up after school, and they still run towards me and are bursting to tell me about their day. No job is going to make me give that up just yet.

Could you and your DH both both go part-time so you share the childcare and paid work between you? That way you share the “risk” so to speak of one of you struggling to go back to work when the kids go to school or if you split up

Thank you - that's also really helpful re the relationship, which has taken a backseat these last few years.

I'm really happy that it's worked so well for you - gives me a lot of hope!

Can I ask you about the school years - how much did they need you in primary and secondary school?