to be a SAHM

[Bluepinkgreenyellow]

Would you be a SAHM in my position?

I appreciate I am in an extremely fortunate position to be considering this. I'm late 30s and have 2 children under 4, currently on maternity leave. Need to make the decision soon if I don't return to my job. I've been part time after my first child. It was incredibly stressful juggling my LO and job, with a lot of responsibility - there's always more work to be done and it's hard to switch off. I want my kids to be my complete priority, and at the end of my life, I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work. I wouldn't say I enjoy my work - it's just something that needs to be done. I can't think of how adapting what I do would make me enjoy it more.

As for relying on my partner financially, we've spoken about how finances would work if I gave up work and we would pay into a private pension for me etc. If we were to split, I think would be tighter financially but would still be ok.

I want to be a SAHM but I'm also worried about judgement from others. I have achieved a lot in my professional qualifications and career to date, and wonder whether others I meet in the future would look down on me (eg other parents etc).

Is there anything else I'm missing or need to consider? How much do children still need you once they're in primary/secondary school?

You are being unreasonable - you would NOT be a SAHM in my position
You are not being unreasonable - you would be a SAHM in my position

You have to consider the practical points very carefully and yours and your children's financial safety.
I have been a stay at home wife for 20+ years, very fortunate, my husband pays into my pension etc.
No kids.
Think about it and if satisfactory, go for it.

That's a good idea, but his earnings now and in the future are much higher.

OP, what anyone else thinks is of no consequence. It’s your life.

I don’t think most people do judge SAHM negatively on the whole.

Nevertheless, I personally roll my eyes at SAHM whose idea it was to stay at home, partly because they hated their admin job, knowing their DH wasn’t massively keen but went along with it to keep her happy. Years later when either partner is no longer happy with the situation, history is rewritten as ‘we agreed together/he wanted me to stay at home/I gave up my big career to facilitate his’ etc etc.

I know a couple of women like this and they forget some people remember how it all started off.

Having 4 children I would have opted to be a sham. Luckily I only had 2 and returned to my career.

I am a sahm and I'm very happy. No plans to return to work and I'm financially independent to not ever need to.

People do judge you and not everyone copes well with that, they like to have a status and their tribe. Being a sahm is quite rare these days and if you live somewhere without a larger number you have to be comfortable in your own company and choices.

I've protected myself well as I have my own unearned income and built up assets though investing so a marriage split wouldn't financially impact me. That was partly though luck and partly having a high risk profile.

What are your part time hours OP?

Is your DHs job well paid and safe?

Due to circumstances I was a SAHM. Financially it just gets tighter as the DC get older. My EXDH also felt the responsibility of financially supporting us quite a strain at times.

If I was you I'd speak with work and see what flexibility there is for you. Climbing back on the ladder post 40 is hard work. I had a divorce in the mix too which added more financial difficulties. Taking that time out has set me back probably 10 years in my career development and earning potential...I could have really done with that at times.

I think it's also what you want to provide for your DC as they grow older, for example a family holiday/driving lessons/university support because that's where I am now and it's bloody expensive.

As for the time you will miss when you're at work - they will be busy elsewhere and will love you no less.

Also, if I think about my DCs peers - there seems no difference between those who has a DM around full time and those that didn't...apart from those who had a DM that worked appear to be more financially stable.

Do what you want, it is your life and nobody else’s. I’m a SAHM, I have a degree and a good career but I always knew as soon as I had DC I’d give that up until they started school. I don’t regret it for a second and I will definitely be able to get back into my career in a few years when I want to go back. As long as you’ve thought through the logistics and know the pros and cons then go for what makes you happy.

@Bluepinkgreenyellow look I will be completely honest, when people both work full time they make it work but you only have to look on here to see how many people are tired, stressed, juggling everything. As a sahm Dh and I felt like we didn't have that. I did work after Ds1 was born so I have juggled work and nursery drop off and pick ups, illness, asking to leave work and then oh it's chicken pox so Dh and I juggled our working days round it.

As a sahm - primary, no rushing from work to get to them, school runs are easy. You have time between picking them up and before dinner to help them learn to read and do their spellings. I did all housework in school hours so I was completely available for the children after school. I batch cooked, used a slow cooker, menu planned and was very organised. No juggling the inevitable half term week or the total 13 weeks of holiday that they have from school. Plus Dh could work slightly late if a meeting ran over, no dashing off to collect children, no having to leave half way through the morning for sick cover.

Secondary, they still need you just in a different way. I was able to oversee homework, guide them to good resources etc. Yes, I know working parents will say the same and Dh was the person to turn to for some subjects and he worked. My youngest is now 18 and academically they both excelled. Dh still says it is the best thing we ever did I think partly because he has never really had to do housework and to be honest who blames him?

Been one for 17 years, and do not regret it one moment. Got 4 DC and each one has needed me in different ways. Two have disabilities which come before a job. Their needs are paramount.

Crack on OP. Don't worry about the rest of society and what they think. It's your life, make the best of it with your family.

Who cares if others judge you. But I wondered, is there any middle ground like you and your partner both go part time? I don't think it's fair it tends to be mums who sacrifice their careers. I personally wouldn't want to put all that pressure on my DH in being the sole earner, so I'd make sure you get necessary income protection in case he couldn't work. And consider if you buy a property or move property, it will limit your borrowing power, as you'll be a dependent. And keep checking in with each other about it - you don't want your partner to resent being the sole earner, equally, you have every right to try it and dislike it, and want another set up. I've seen friends relationships fail when they haven't done this, and resentment has grown.

Thanks for this. These are the benefits that I imagined we would have. My mum also stayed at home with us, and spent so much time helping with school work/extracurriculars etc.

My limited experience with juggling just one child and work was extremely stressful, especially with a boss who cannot understand what it is like to have a child.

The kids were in school, so it seemed like the right "time". I felt i had too much idle time & a bit lazy. My retired dad also offered to collect the kids from school & bring them home until either I or DH got home, so that made it easier to go back.

It's funny, as after working full-time for several years, I'm now back to being a 'SAHM' (temporarily living overseas, work visa not permitted) & the children are even older, almost finished school, so it's odd. It's taken time to get used to.

At the end of the day, do what is right for your family.

If there is one life lesson to be taken from people’s experiences on MN, it is never to give up your career and financial independence to rely on a husband, partner or anyone else. Take after take of women on here who have suffered directly or indirectly by doing this.

It is bad move, OP.

I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work

See, the way I see this is that if I get to 70 and I've only got the public pension - and maybe I'm missing years from that - like my mum has, I'll be fucked. I don't want to spend my sundown years scrabbling around, not being able to spend the way I want and go where I want because I've got no money. Just a couple of years out can have enormous implications for that.

I mean it's obviously entirely up to you, but as someone who now has teenage children, two of whom were in nursery and one who never went to any childcare setting until school - they don't remember and it really makes no difference so long as they're loved and well looked after. The early years are hard, but I'm now in a senior enough position that I can WFH the whole summer and arrange my work around doing stuff with them (well, within reason!).

This in spades.

I was a SAHM while my DC were pre schoolers, then went back to work when my youngest started school. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but I have to say that going back (part time) has been really good and I do feel happier and more fulfilled now. @Bluepinkgreenyellow you may find that you underestimate how much you miss work!

I study part time with the OU whilst all four are in school Monday to Friday. So I do have something just for me that fits well within school hours term time.

For those who think SAHMs brains turn to mush🤪

If you have daughters, it's not a very good example to set for them. It's really important for girls to have good role models of professional success.

Why is it so hard to juggle part time work and nursery? Not being goady. Is it because your DH is leaving it all to you?

Why not use the extra income to put them in nursery for an extra day so you have some time to yourself?

@Bluepinkgreenyellow

School is harder - pick ups much earlier in the day, less flexibility on the part of the school, lots of school events you'll miss out on if you have no flexibility at work, plus they need help/supervision with homework so you can't just switch off in the evenings. Plus all kinds of hobbies and school clubs. More friendship issues, they just generally need you more!

When they're at nursery, it's just that - home - nursery - home.

I think you should it sounds like you want to. Is your job something you could pick back up easily enough?

I work 3 days per week, but for an incredibly understanding employer which helps hugely. I have worked places I'd have wanted to quit.

I wouldn't worry about what other people think as everyone has an opinion anyway.

For me what stood out was that it wouldn't be easy to slip back into your career. What do you foresee your life like in 10/20/30/40 years (depending on your age) when dc has grown up. For me my career is part of my identity, and I'm lucky to have a very flexible and well paid role. When dc moves out I'd have hated to not have a my career and have to accept a low paid job.

Personally I've never been and never want to be reliant on another person financially. I like earning and spending my own money.

Hi OP, I think it's clear that you want to be a SAHM, why are you worried about what other people think?
I worked FT whilst raising my son ( no choice as I was a single parent) and admit that it is far from the ideal but needs must. You are only in your late 30's so have several years of working life ahead if you want to. Won't be long before your kids are both at school . Not sure if you could work PT then if you wanted to.
Everyone is different but irrespective of my partner's/husband's wealth, I could never be financially dependent on anyone. This is influenced by past experience.
I also have friends who have always been SAHMs, irrespective of their children's ages so each to their own. Do whatever works best 4 u

Good point and food for thought

It shouldn't be about the judgement from others it's about looking good after your own interests. On there there are loads of posts about the DH or DP having an affair and leaving the mother of the kids high a dry. You hear the words I cannot afford the mortgage/rent/bills. I cannot get a high enough paying job etc. It's not all about the now, you need to look into the future.