to be a SAHM

[Bluepinkgreenyellow]

Would you be a SAHM in my position?

I appreciate I am in an extremely fortunate position to be considering this. I'm late 30s and have 2 children under 4, currently on maternity leave. Need to make the decision soon if I don't return to my job. I've been part time after my first child. It was incredibly stressful juggling my LO and job, with a lot of responsibility - there's always more work to be done and it's hard to switch off. I want my kids to be my complete priority, and at the end of my life, I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work. I wouldn't say I enjoy my work - it's just something that needs to be done. I can't think of how adapting what I do would make me enjoy it more.

As for relying on my partner financially, we've spoken about how finances would work if I gave up work and we would pay into a private pension for me etc. If we were to split, I think would be tighter financially but would still be ok.

I want to be a SAHM but I'm also worried about judgement from others. I have achieved a lot in my professional qualifications and career to date, and wonder whether others I meet in the future would look down on me (eg other parents etc).

Is there anything else I'm missing or need to consider? How much do children still need you once they're in primary/secondary school?

You are being unreasonable - you would NOT be a SAHM in my position
You are not being unreasonable - you would be a SAHM in my position

Totally valid point and you can't live your life through your children

I would never be a SAHP unless I had enough money of my own to cope in the event of a split.

totally do it but do something else for you one day a week, volunteer, study, anything.

I've been a SAHM, working part time on and off once ds got to school age - and it's the best decision I ever made. I never had any interest in a career from the moment I had DS. Now he's an adult and I'm looking forward to cheap travel outside the school holidays and have lots of plans, no intention of restarting a career or working full time. Do what you want or you'll only have regrets, if I was left with nothing now I still wouldn't regret the last wonderful 18 years.

I was 8 years off work then only pt since, I'm fortunate that my kids could be put first. Only downside is o don't have a huge pension but I have 50% of my ex husbands from divorce and I've saved carefully into isa's etc so my dp and I can retire early. I think not working is fine for people who earn sufficient and are good with money but doesn't suit all

I was a SAHM whilst kids were little. Did part time teaching for rubbish money when kids were at primary school and went back to a full time non teaching job when they were at secondary. It felt too mean on my husband to have all the pressure of providing once kids were older. It means the mortgage will be paid off and we'll retire earlier this way, but I don't regret those few years of being at home, it was great!

This is how I felt but I was lucky they offered redundancy while I was on mat leave so jumped at the chance!

Now paying my l self a wage and still contributing to the joint account out of my severance money!!

I’ll go back to work once they start school unless something interesting comes up!

My school friends, all graduates, made different choices.

1. SAHM 3 children husband own business - big house. All fine. Went bankrupt. Husband decided he could get bigger pension if she wasn't on annuity. Now he's dead she's in penury.
2. Husband academic career SAHM 4 children. Divorced before current regs. She's in council flat for elderly on Social Security.
3. Husband barely worked. Private income. She ex PT teacher didn't pay into pension SAHM. Divorced. She discovered his income didn't include her as was trust money. Children fine as benefit from trust. She is almost destitute. Depressed.
4. Professional job FT, divorced always worked. Fine financially. Able to help sons with house purchase , education etc.
5. Professional career FT, had 'mother's help', divorced financially fine. Helped children with house purchase, professional training etc.
6. Teacher. Gave up to be SAHM of 3. Husband worked abroad, fell ill , died. She returned to career, Financially OK. Children doing well.

It's difficult to make decisions when you don't know what the future will bring.
I'm not an optimist or rather I prefer to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I don't/didn't want to be poor ever. So, went by my mother's advice. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR JOB. She lived through 2 WWs, World depressions, supported parent with no income, unemployed brother etc.

How optimistic are you about the financial future of this country?

I was a SAHM. Was there for every first. Got in to debt as only had DH salary. Was worth it so I could be with DC.

DC were 4 & 6 and I was 39 when I went back to work evenings/nights, in a call centre to fit around DC so I could be there for all day time school events, sports days, helped out on school trips, picked them up if poorly and was able to stay with them until DH got home from work. Lived on a shoestring as my money wasn’t good. Kids had clothes from eBay, no heating on, I still wear 20yr old clothes because I got used to it. They didn’t notice and were happy.

Five years ago (DC were 12 & 13) I started my own business so still fully flexible around DC. Covid meant I wasn’t allowed to work so I was at home with DC for months. Absolutely loved it despite getting £20k in debt as I had no income and still paying off the debt. Never ever regret that time with DC. So valuable.

I’d say senior school years I was needed a lot. Support with exams (DC1 just finished A levels and DC2 yr12 predicted grade exams for uni applications).

Never even entered my head what others thought as I loved being a mum so much, I was doing what I wanted.

Still self employed and have been able to run DC back and forward to study sessions and exams. Taught DC1 to drive (it’s my job). Now DC2 turn.

When DC1 goes to uni DC2 will get annoyed by my constant bothering.

Not everyone can do it financially, but luckily we managed it. Only in the last 6 months has our financial position improved since before we had DC. We always say they never went without food and always had a coat and shoes in the cold and wet. It was all they needed.

Don't worry about judgement. You'll be judged whichever you choose.

My sixpence for what it's worth.

Is your husband likely to become a Scrooge and you have to ask for money?
Will that pension pot be big enough and what happens if you split.

I've worked full time all the way through and my DD is now 12. I'm jea

Ffs! Posted too soon.

I'm jealous of stay at home mums. I think it's such an incredible thing to be able to do. I have an only so I savoured every moment as much as I could but it still went too quick and I still missed so much. If you can safely do it, I would have! Until the youngest one is 5 or so and then have the wrap around care and the best of both worlds.

I enjoyed working so I suppose that part time at a comfortable level would also be a great way to do it but you only get 10 hallowe'ens and Christmas'. It's gone before you know.

I love being a sahm- I decided to stay at home when I was pregnant and 10 years later I haven’t gone back and have no plans to.

If anyone is judging I neither notice or care!

You’re taking a risk with your and your children’s financial future. It might pay off & your husband doesn’t die, get ill, turn into an asshole or decide to leave you. Considering how many marriages end in divorce I think you’re crazy to rely on a man financially. Yes having kids does bring extra complexity/ juggling into life but it’s not unsurmountable & much easier than having to try to scrabble to rebuild your life if it doesn’t work out with your marriage.

I personally plan to stay at home with my soon-to-be-born DC and any subsequent ones. My ideal is to at least be at home with them while they are little, but I’m open to being largely away from the workforce for up to two decades if it makes sense for us. My husband and I managed to get into a position that made it possible financially and I’m excited that I get the opportunity.

While everyone likes to talk about the downsides (mostly financial and status), fewer talk about the great benefits of being a SAHM. It’s a life of having time for things. More time to enjoy your children and your life. More time for your husband. More time to take care of the health of your family and yourself (better sleep, better food, better stress levels). More order in your home and mind.

Despite what many like to claim, it is so much better for kids if you are available to them especially while they are babies. It’s a quality of life issue. I don’t want to be perpetually tired, stressed, running from thing to thing and never having peace. I have lived that way in the past and I refuse to do it again because there’s a small chance of financial disaster in the future.

And for someone saying that it sets a bad example to your children: that assumes that professional success is the goal. While it is a valid goal in some circumstances, life is broader than that. For me, success is happy relationships, love, stability and a reasonable pace of life.

There's more to life that career or academic success.

Judged by who? Women who are putting their pre-school dc in daycare from 7 am to 7 pm?

I for one was never perpetually tired and stressed
Also went to all school events
My DH and I shared all the work of running the house and the DC
No way would I have allowed my DH to prioritise his career over mine
Nor would he have tried it
My 1970s feminist mother would have killed me!
Have seen so many women give up work,and never get any sort of career back
All my DC turned out brilliant ,and we are very close

I think part-time (3 days, ideally with a bit of flexibility or wfh) is the sweet spot. I always enjoyed it and found it a good balance.

Could you look for a nicer part-time job? Or take a year-long career break from your current employer and reassess at that point?

But, the only thing I would say is that it can become increasingly difficult to get a new job once you’re in your mid-to-late forties. You think ageism will never happen, but…so ideally you need to make a plan to gear up your career again before that kicks in.

On the other hand, I live in an area with lots of well-to-do SAHM and many of them haven’t worked at all since our same-age teenage DC were born…Most are lovely, intelligent women but I do wonder quite how some of them would adjust to the pressures bullshit of the modern workplace, if their circumstances were to change.

A combination of factors mean that I am not currently working myself, but keeping my hand in by working part-time all those years means that I can now get fairly decent freelance work to keep my CV topped up.

I was a SAHM. My husband earned 20 times what I did and when my second came along it would cost more than my day rate to have them both in daycare. I was also in my 40s and after working for 20 years was ok about giving up.
M question would be would you consider returning to work in a few years? In my profession technology moved in beyond what I would have been able to do - I'm sure I could pick it up but would anyone hire me to do that?
I was fairly bored as a sahm to be honest. But I don't think I would have continued working - it was fine but not particularly fulfilling.
Other people's opinion didn't factor at all.

I would try it at least, you can always quit. I'd hate to be sahm because I need adult interaction!

You can still have plenty of adult interaction- I haven’t spent a decade only talking to kids!

This.

What a beautiful response, thank you for articulating it so beautifully!

I gave up work when pregnant with my now 18 year old. I didn’t expect to stay home all this time, just how it worked out. I’m early 50’s now so call it early retirement 😂

Speaking from bitter experience here, I do think you are being incredibly short sighted