Grandparents

[2ndmum2be]

Hi,

Looking for some unbiased advise as this has gone on so long.

We rent a house from my mum and dad. It was offered to us at a discounted rate of £850 6 years ago. The plan was they would make improvements it needed and eventually I'd would be signed over to my brother and myself.

They've done no improvements. Kitchen js the same one from 1980. It is a beautiful 4 bed house with alot of potential but unfortunately after paying the rent and large council tax for the area ect we have been living month to month.

A year after we moved in we had a baby and about a few months once I got back to work and after covid the rent was raised to £950.

We've always paid of course and not complained.. dispite broken promises ect it's fine we have made what we can of it.

But now I am mat leave with our 2nd. Finance are really rough this time round and I asked them for some help and the simply said no. No chance, will see what we can do but definitely not adjusting the rent. I even asked if we could have a small discount of what we are short by temporarily and when I'm back working we can pay it back.

Also for extra context, they are completely mortgage free and we were told the money we are paying is to help my dad's pension as he is self employed. But he has quit his job now, not found something else in a year but not claiming pension as he hopes to do something else. He told me to my face out rent money is now his pocket money to go drinking twice a week and he's currently in spain in an apartment they also own with my brother.

I don't mean to sound spoilt and entitled but it just hurts, even with thier grandbabies they just don't seem to care if we can't even afford to eat.

What are your thoughts? I've had some people say to stop paying 😅😂 but my mum isn't the most maternal and for you to say well she won't kick you and her grandchildren out...hmm I think she would. Same mother that when I was pregnant with our first...even after convincing us to move in here calling it a family home when I told her the nurse she advised we sign on for a council house 🙄🙈

We are stuck! The rent is cheap for the size and we couldn't find that anywhere else at the moment but it's also too high to be able to save for anything 🥺

Advice ?

Thank you

Sounds like you either pay or go find somewhere cheaper. I couldn’t be like that with my DD but everyone is different so you just have to deal with what you are faced with unfortunately. Not to sound harsh but it sounds like they are your two choices

It doesn’t sound as though you can afford to live in a large house, so you need to downsize to something smaller which you can afford and where the kitchen is up to your standards. Or, DH gets a second job to support his family. Bluntly, I’d imagine your parents feel you should have planned better for your maternity leave or waited until you were in a better position financially before having a second child and then claiming poverty. It’s a bit rich complaining that “they just don't seem to care if we can't even afford to eat” when apparently neither you nor DH put much care into thinking about whether you could afford to eat, but want them to shoulder responsibility.

I would move so that it is a clear business relationship that is not blurred by any family relations.

I would also keep a distance from such family members who renege on agreements.

Don't forget.

If the rent is cheap for the size then if they are already subsidising you. They could rent it to someone else at market value and pile the money into their pensions. It’s not really fair to suggest their don’t care about you or your grandchildren when they let you rent it for less.
If finances are so dire that you can’t afford to eat then you need to consider renting something smaller but it’s not fair to guilt
your parents because you want to be subsidised more.

It sounds like they are onto a nice little arrangement that works... for them! Also, why the need to have you and your sibling tied into mixed financial commitments, reeks of trying to retain control over you both. I'd be giving them notice and finding something else instead as they sound like the only ones benefiting from this.

I agree with the other posters. I couldn’t imagine doing this if I were your parents, but equally it is irresponsible to have another child if you can’t afford to.

Move out. Find something you can afford, but don’t flounce. Thank them for the support and generously so far.

However, I also think you should remember this. There will be a time when they need something equivalent from you, and perhaps you won’t be as inclined to dash around after them then.

It’s always amazing to me how easily people forget that everyone WILL need help at some point. M

Just to add, they couldn't rent it out at market without fixing it up to standard.

We have paid to replace all the kitchen appliances, washing machine ect as they all broke and they wouldn't fix/replace.

Majority of the windows don't open, no insulation, lost goes on but again fine. We'd love to fix it up but can't with the bills at just under 2k to live here a month 😅 thank you all for your advice xx

It's unfortunate that your parents are unwilling to reduce the rent given your financial situation and theirs, but they don't have to.

They're treating this as a business relationship, so you should do the same. If you had a landlord that was unrelated to you, you would be looking for somewhere else to live that you could afford. Do that.

I'd move. Then let them have the problem of a house that needs loads spending on it before they can rip someone else off with a massive rent.

I couldn't treat my children like that in a million years.

Thank you all for your answers. I know we should move on.

I know I should expect anything, they've worked hard to get where they are.

But like others have said just hurts after 6/7 years we've done everything we can to hold the place together after promises were made to get us here to rent it in the first place.

I would never do that to my boys if the rolls were reversed and we still visit them once a week and do whatever they ask.

Just painful waiting for something that's never going to come even through my own childhood.

I wrote the first post upset We were only asking for like £100 reduction until I get back to work and would then be happy for it to go back up and to add the money we've missed just to give us that breathing room for now.

Thank you all ❤️

Get your own place or at least look around, it sounds like you're getting a good deal?

Do your parents at least help by doing a lot of childcare for you, or have in the past?

If they don’t, then they really are total shits!

No, no childcare help. That's also what makes it hard too I think.

They've only had my first roughly once every 2 months and only for about 12 hours.

They had him whilst I went to give birth to our 2nd and dropped him back within half an hour if us getting back from the hospital 😅

@2ndmum2be unless your parents are happy to leave the house empty, then they will need to make the necessary repairs required to get it on the rental market. You moving out might be a wakeup call.

I could never treat my children like this but you need to make a decision whether you move . It sounds like your parents could get more rent on the open market but they would be legally bound to have the house a certain standard. Do you want the hassle of moving with a young baby ? Can you trim your budgets at all or sell some bits online . Are you entitled to any benefits at the moment?

That's pretty generous childcare compared to what a lot of people get. Mine babysat for me every couple of years for 3-4 hours. It's not their job to baby sit the kids.

I have mixed feelings about what action you should take. It seems sensible to me that you would be better to move somewhere cheaper, and that would also disentangle the family relationships from finances. On the other hand, you've said that you're actually getting a very good deal on the rent compared to what you'd pay elsewhere, so would moving really be best for you? Can you lower your sights as far as what kind of house you have and get cheaper rent and start saving for a deposit on your own home?

Given your parents obviously own at least three properties, you'd hope they'd maybe forgive you the 100 a month during your maternity leave, but obviously that's not something they're choosing to do.

What has childcare got to do with it? They don’t owe OP anything

I empathise. My parents are well off and we could really do with some more help whilst we have two in nursery. But. They don’t owe us anything.

Playing devils advocate. It doesn’t sound like the house is up to rental standard but it does sound like they’ve been offering a cheap rental option in a good area (sorry if that’s not correct). Say you’re paying £300 less than elsewhere, equivalent to “help” of £3600 a year.

You need to move out and stop waiting for the carrot, it’s being dangled from a stick and it’s not coming.

Do you have a proper rental agreement in place?
You say there’s no insulation, there are regulations on renting if the EPC falls below a certain point. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-private-rented-property-minimum-energy-efficiency-standard-landlord-guidance
Have you paid a deposit that is protected ?
Do you have a gas safety certificate renewed each year? And electrical safety certificate?
If any of these are not in place your parents are renting illegally.
I assume your rent is also declared as income for tax purposes by your parents?

Really pisses me off when people rent out substandard properties and don’t adhere to the laws that protect tenants. And I was a LL for 20 years. Never rent out a property you wouldn’t live in yourself.

Struggling to see how your utilities could possible come to £1k a month.

So they do help with childcare? That's a huge amount more than a lot of people get. Makes me think that maybe your expectations are high.

Is the rent significantly less than it would cost you to rent somewhere else? If so, I think you have to realise that your parents are helping you out.
I think it was your choice to have children that you are now struggling to feed.

Yanbu to feel the way you do. Yes it’s their money/property to do with as they wish but what parent would want to see their child struggle when they have the means to do something about it and have been asked for a little bit of help temporarily? I would never behave like your parents are doing and I can see why it’s hurtful.

Assume you have pointed out that they haven’t stuck to the initial agreement of getting the house up to standard - what have they said in response? I would get an agent round to ask what the market rental value would be in its current state- 40 year old kitchen etc. Your parents might not be giving you the bargain rate they think they are.

Honestly I would look for something else. I’d rather downsize and not be in a weird messy business agreement with family. You will also know that the landlord is obligated to fix things, keep a decent state of repair, etc.

Move somewhere else Op. Hopefully you can find a better upkept house for a similar or smaller rent.. your parents can rent out privately but they may realise that tenants will demand certain standards and be begging to have you back!

So they do help with childcare? That's a huge amount more than a lot of people get.

Six times a year?

Granted it's more than my parents or in-laws, but they live more than two hours away and would happily do more if they could. I wouldn't generalise six times a year being 'a huge amount more than a lot of people' though. By the same token you could argue it's a lot less than a lot of parents whose parents provide childcare to help lower nursery fees, and I know a lot of people in this situation.

It would be a shame to derail this thread with a moral debate about grandparents and childcare, which I see happen a lot here.

Your parents sound vile, OP - sympathies. Find somewhere smaller and more affordable, with a landlord who will actually look after the property like they’re supposed to.

keep your parents’ greed and selfishness in mind when the time comes for them to need your help.