Meeting new baby

[Pixelpioneer]

If a close friend/relative had a baby, you asked when is good to visit & they replied they’d let you know - how much time would you allow to pass before you asked again? Or would you wait to be asked no matter how long?

YABU - wait
YANBU - ask again

I'd bring it up with your shared parent.

My dad remarried when I was 18. I got on with his wife well enough but, at 31, acquired two half siblings (twins).

She was far less keen for us to be involved then. My dad died when the children were 6 and we haven't seen them since. They'll be 18 this year. I have a child the same age.

My dad's second wife was always somewhat resentful of the fact he'd been married previously and had two children already (hence we got on well enough) and she simply didn't want her childen to know they were his second family. We suspect they don't even remember we exist anymore.

Speak to your dad.

Have you asked after the baby since asking if you could visit? And have you asked to visit since then and been asked to wait?

Because if not, the past four weeks will have been a blur of HV, check ups and visits from people who were more pushy. Four weeks is blink of an eye with a newborn.

It's also remotely possible that your dad has been asked/made to be more of an active parent than was common when you were born.

I doubt it. She's already been in touch and been told to wait until she hears from them.

OP, don't just turn up. If you're being intentionally kept away, this could be very damaging.

Contact your dad.

And I'm assuming it's a shared dad because it's more usual for men to have second families and would be, I imagine, less common for a mum to distance her 'first' family than a man.

I'd send a message along the lines of... hope baby x has settled into life at home and that you're both doing ok. Cant wait to meet baby x!

I voted YABU but then I saw it’s your SIBLING!??? YANBU. Same/next day for a sibling!

It usually is a nice gesture,
Some people don’t like flowers though when dealing with a tiny baby as it’s just another thing to sort whilst in the middle of baby fog. I LOVE flowers but really didn’t like receiving them since having a newborn (3 month old now)
Obv never said anything as appreciated people were trying to be nice

I suspect after a month they've forgotten they said that!

OP just send a friendly message asking if it suits for you to pop around on Saturday afternoon (or whatever) suits and take it from there.

How is your relationship with them usually? If it's your dad that is the shared parent, is there a reason why he doesn't want you to visit?

A sibling? I'd suggest a day and time ("can we come over tomorrow around 10am?"). That removes the pain of scheduling a time to see them.

A whole month means they've probably forgotten.

Hi OP how often did you normally visit before the baby was born and did you have to pre-arrange visits and how is your relationship with them?
A month is a very long time, I think it would be good to phone/text and ask if you are fine to come over on so and so date, if they say no then ask for a date you can visit.
I’d be feeling quite upset at not meeting a sibling after month, I would have thought that would have been done almost immediately so you are definitely NBU to ask again!

Quite possibly!

I don't think there's any harm in making contact - I think she should.

But I'd have been less than impressed if anyone had just turned up when I had a newborn so I don't think she should do that.

I'd perhaps go the 'being helpful' route...

"Hey X, hope you and the little one are doing OK! Have been thinking of you lots. You must be in the thick of things right now so I wanted to drop you round some lasagna / soup / <insert food here> for the freezer – one less thing for you to have to think about. Is <date> ok for you?"

Lots of thoughts here.

A month can feel like both a year and a week with a newborn. I had complications during child birth which effectively wiped out the first week as I was in and out of hospital, which had a knock on effect on feeding, which went on for weeks. We did have a lot of visitors during this time (every weekend including stopovers), which I found quite stressful and could have done with more time as a smaller family unit to recover.

That said, as half sibling I find it unusual that you haven't met the baby yet.

How is your relationship with your dad and stepmum? How often do your normally see them? Are you able to just pop in for a couple of hours or would a visit require an overnight stay? How is mum and baby's health? The answers to these questions may provide context as to why you haven't been invited over yet.

In the meantime, I would contact via your dad, and I don't think you would be unreasonable to check-in and ask how mum and baby are doing, and mention that you would love to stop by if they're happy to have visitors.

This is your littler brother or sister

When I had my baby - dh had 3 older kids in 20's s so sounds similar set up

The daughter (you) came to meet their sister (my baby) day after i had given birth at hospital when was maybe 15/20hrs old

I find it very strange you Havnt met new sibling and that your dad hasn't said come over

We live in the same city, short drive away. Got an ok relationship with the mother (shared parent is dad). Nothing strained but she’s never seemed particularly interested to be a part of my father’s family. From what I know all straight forward with birth etc so no big things like that. I believe her close family (including aunts and uncles) have met baby.

I definitely think you should reach out to your dad. It's a shame they haven't reached back out to you following your original contact (when they asked you to wait) but depending on how many visitors they need to accommodate, a month isn't a long time with a newborn. I could barely see past the next few hours when my baby was that old, so trying to coordinate family and friends who wanted to visit was not high on my agenda (I let DP take the lead on this with his family).

@Pixelpioneer I can't believe 77% of people have said YABU! This is your baby brother / sister and it's been a month and you've still not met them?!

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

I get that Stepmum might not be as bothered about visitors (especially if you don't have the best relationship with her) but has your Dad not been in touch with you wanting his children to meet???

OP, I would tread carefully here.

Definitely.contact your dad. In an ideal world, you'd be welcomed into your new sibling's life but the fact you say that close relatives on her side have met the baby, you only have an 'ok' relationship with her and she's never really shown much interest in your dad's side of the family means you really need your dad to be on your side in this or you could find yourself ostracised through his ambivalence.

Most people vote based on the OP. She didn't say it was her sibling until later.

If OP had included this detail in her original post I think the response would have been different. The original post was too vague (didn't specify relationship or how old the baby was).

How often do you usually see your Dad? Have you seen him at all since the baby? Did you send congratulations etc?

Honestly I'd text today and say "Hi Dad, still waiting for you to let me know when I can meet my sister/brother. Happy to leave the kids at home first visit or bring them, whatever you prefer"

Situation #1: I posted a card & a takeaway voucher for the parents. They were very grateful for this and got in touch a few weeks later to arrange a visit.

Situation #2: BIL & ex SIL put in a stringent visiting ban for 4 months then were really arsey & rude with people who did visit. Eventually people stopped bothering & moved on with their lives.

Bil & Ex SIL now complain that nobody bothers with their kids. They haven't joined the dots yet that the reason we've given them a wide berth is because they didn't encourage visitors. We just followed their instructions!

People missed she's the sibling.

I'd give around 2 months before I initiated again.

Hi, are you up for a visit? I'm looking forward to meeting my brother:sister Johnny/Susie. Please let me know a time and if there is anything you would like me to bring. Much love xxx