Are parents in Cambridge uniquely ineffectual?

[ohrly]

Name change. I apologise for the clickbait title, my observations are based solely on our (primary) school and not all parents here.

We moved here six months ago from a more working-class area. Although that area had its problems, parents generally ensured their kids had basic manners, proper grooming, and weren't violent.

However, at my son's new school, I've noticed a significant lack of manners among many kids. Parents don't seem to enforce them either. The children demand things from their parents and others and are generally rude.

There are a few kids, despite being over seven years old, who frequently hit and push others. Parents respond with mild comments like "Oh no, that's not nice" instead of a more assertive, proportionate reaction like, "Do not hit. If you do that again, we will go home."

Parents also don't seem to enforce boundaries effectively. Instead of saying "5 minutes until we leave the park," they ask, "Are you ready to go now? Okay sweetie, no worries."

Moreover, parents often talk about their kids in a way that suggests the children are in control. They say things like, "Oh, she won't let me..." or "Oh, she doesn't like..." A common issue is kids refusing to let their parents brush their hair, resulting in matted hair.

At parties, no parents watch what's happening, and the kids go quite wild. I've had to stop myself from telling off so many kids.

These observations span a mix of nationalities, but all are middle-class families.
Is this a common occurrence now, or is it specific to Cambridge, this school, or the middle classes? Or am I just going mad?!

I honestly thought I was a super liberal parent until I moved here!

YABU - Stop judging / this isn't a real thing
YANBU - Yes these parents sound dreadful

I’d assume that someone who is “obviously vegan for the planet” has mentioned caring for animals and the environment now and again too….why would you assume the things you listed aren’t also being discussed and modelled?

@BestZebbie why would you assume the things you listed aren’t also being discussed and modelled?

Because I have noticed that in the modern world, many morals are becoming inverted or turned on their head. Things that were considered virtuous 30 years ago are now considered immoral, and vice versa.

I’m not offended because I know this type of parenting works. I’m seeing my own child thrive. I’m seeing my friends and colleagues with older children go through university and enter the workforce.

We are trying to raise children who can maintain their social and economic standing and it works.

@Ponderingwindow And how are they treating other people? Do you know?

I used to work with a woman who had been clearly raised with the "me me me" style of parenting. Look after number 1 and fuck everyone else. To her parents she was a success story, but everyone who worked with her knew she was a deeply sinister and self-centred bully.

This is an incredibly interesting thread. I was friends with a young woman whose parents were both Cambridge academics. And I realise in reading these comments that she had the same belief in her rightness and exceptionalism that some posters are displaying. It is what led to the end of our friendship. She found maintaining friendships difficult.
I have read a number of comments on this thread from cambridge academics who explain that their style of parenting is unique because they explain rules to their children, because they teach bodily autonomy, and because they question things and teach their children to question. This is not exceptional parenting though. It is common place amongst intelligent parents everywhere.
I wonder if it is simply that the parents feel they are brilliant and exceptional, and pass on that sense of entitlement in how they parent?
My parenting also included the fact that we are a part of society and that life is easier if we consider others and all rub along.

@AvrielFinch I imagine that young woman wasn't very hygienic and had difficulties staying clean, due to having her head shoved so far up her own arse.

I suspect you’re seeing more middle-class liberals in Cambridge. You sound like me comparing my working-class family with my middle-class friends. Not that I’ve ever said this out loud!

My nieces, nephews etc have always been polite and co-operative — what I’d call well brought up.

Most of my friends have been ruled by their children. Exceptions: one Caribbean friend, and one friend who is so forceful that I can’t imagine anyone arguing with her.

None of my friends or family have a Cambridge connection. It’s class and politics, in my experience.

@Hairyesterdaygonetoday They're progressives, not liberals. Unless you're using the American definition of "liberal," in which case, I would politely suggest that you watch fewer American TV shows.

Whilst this might be a bit of a generalisation, I TOTALLY recognise where the OP is coming from.

I've brought my DCS up in a number of places (military) and my Cambridge years were full of MC, gentle parenting, super-competitive types.

I think as a pp has said, it's full of left-leaning eco-conscious, academic people who have read everything on how to bring up children, but rarely have family support to temper some of the extremes.

The flip side was that I found fellow parents to be supportive and open, and liked that the vast majority just sent their DCs to the local school rather than the state/private divide I've experienced elsewhere.

@JustASquareMoreChocolate
St Albans is a great school and catholic though hard to get into.

No, I don’t think so, Shuggles. My friends hold liberal views and vote (as far as I know) LibDem, SDP, Labour or Green. Guardian readers from wag back, though some like me have got sick of the Guardian’s current student-politics outlook. I agree with them on many subjects but I don’t consider their child-raising policies to be progressive.

I don’t know the US television shows you mention, but I’m not going to give up the word ‘liberal’ to them!

@Hairyesterdaygonetoday No, I don’t think so, Shuggles. My friends hold liberal views and vote (as far as I know) LibDem, SDP, Labour or Green.

The only party there that's liberal there is LibDem, because they have liberal economic and social policies.

SDP is the Social Democratic Party, which advocates a mixture of left wing economic policies with conservative social policies. It's literally the antithesis of liberalism, so I'm not sure where you picked up that it's "liberal."

The Green party has a few liberal social policies, but left-leaning economic views, so it definitely cannot be called "liberal." Same with Labour.

I don’t know the US television shows you mention, but I’m not going to give up the word ‘liberal’ to them!

You have picked up your definition of the word "liberal" from American articles and/or TV shows. This definition is incorrect because it is only used in the US, and no other parts of the world.

But it is Lion Yard, isn’t it? :)

No idea about Cambridge OP but I live on a council estate in Wolverhampton.

It has a reputation for being rough.

I'm disabled, so for the first few years I was here I would drive everywhere, but since stopping work I have traded the car in for a mobility scooter.

I have been pleasantly surprised at just how well mannered the local kids are.

They move out of the way, smile and say, "you're welcome" when I thank them.

It's a good job some of these wildly free and independent children will have means and money due to family.

Because noone would want to be anywhere near them otherwise.

In my experience they often seem friendly enough on the surface, but this type of parenting breeds a deep nastiness and selfishness that never leaves. They develop surface manners as they grow older to fit in, but retain the lack of morals and complete disregard for anyone else.

Working class children can be brought up the same neglectful way, but they don't have the money to throw at the problem child to make them seem presentable. So it's more noticeable.

Exact same deep seated nastiness though. You can tell when someone has been brought up to genuinely care for themselves AND others, whatever class they are, and the difference is night and day.

Yep, welcome to the gentle parenting generation. And we wonder why behaviour in schools is at an all time low. Parents pander to their child’s every need, never tell them off, and let them dictate every minute of every day. It’s an absolute nightmare.

Interesting thread, I live in a village outside of Cambridge. I think it's possible for kids to be nice to other people AND understand their own inherent power/worth? Isn't it?

It’s the same in Stroud. Filled with faux hippies who can’t be bothered raising their kids. Awful, awful kids. Quite a few kids are ever made to say ‘sorry’, they are rude to other children and adults, no real care about violence either. It’s just kids being kids, part of play for 7 year olds to spontaneously hit 2 year olds etc. I used to live in Stroud up until a year ago and it was just awful. Live in Gloucester now which isn’t far but totally different and far more normal. Very few neglect their kids like they do in Stroud.
It’s not everyone but the overwhelming majority of families we’ve encountered. Some areas are just pockets for it. I’d suggest moving if you can! It’s unpleasant for kids and you.

It's called taking the piss

Did you see their username also?

But possibly you are also taking the piss with an idiotic post in the first place.

We have the equivalent up north called Hebden Bridge. Not a University town but similar vibe with child raising. I lived in Todmorden the next village over and lasted about 12 months.

You could have been describing Muswell Hill. For the few parents of young children who live there.

Well yes of course, I haven't just taught them to be autonomous above all other things! Endless discussion about kindness and compassion, sharing, etc. My middle child (10yo) set up the eco club at school and we regularly do litter picks in our area.
I didn't start with the human rights act.
It was just an example of why there can be push back from some kids, in my experience.

I also think by the time the little darlings get to secondary school, the parents cop themselves on because fundamentally they really value education. Once they’ve got their kids into a “good” school then they fundamentally back the school. Because whilst the primary school age marker of success is a free spirit who ignores adults, the secondary equivalent is someone who gets all 8s and 9s without apparently breaking a sweat.

'Ha. I'm a Cambridge parent, and I can see some truth in the generalisation, but I'd like to point out that there are working class people in Cambridge too - not a huge number, given the shocking house prices, but there is some social housing. Of course all the middle class people try desperately to get their kids into the middle class primary schools; god forbid they should go to a school with a more mixed demographic. We actually went for a more mixed school.'

I think you are fully immersed in the bubble if you can't see the large number of 'working class people'.
It's the most unequal city in the country - with large pockets of social housing and deprivation.
Cambridge hates admitting this, though, but maybe pop to one of the many food banks or hubs and rethink that statement

Yes!!! Lion yard <sigh> it will never be the sodding grand arcade! Also billionth gen cambridge!