To be annoyed that someone will be sleeping in my bed for a week plus?

[BobbyBiscuits]

A bit of background is required but I could do with some advice.

I live with my elderly mum in her house. We basically are eachothers carers. All is good, it works out fine for both most of the time.
I pay half for utilities and buy all my own food etc.

But my mum has a friend, she lives up north and also splits her time with a house in Italy. They've been friends since their early 20s, but friend has not invited mum to stay with her in over 30 years.

This friend has declared she's visiting in August, but is unwilling to give an exact date. I asked for how long and mum just said 'oh, probably no longer than a week.'
The problem being, this person will be sleeping in my bed. I have severe osteoporosis, and arthritic symptoms and get a lot of pain in my hip due to a bodged surgery.

The only other place I can sleep is a small 2 person couch in my living area. My legs dangle off the couch at the knees! It is very painful and I wake up every 20 mins.

I half jokingly said I want the friend to pay board, then if necessary I could use at least some of it to sleep in a budget hotel for a couple of nights. Just literally to give me 7 hours of comfortable sleep.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to pay for myself to sleep in a hotel.

What do you all think? Is the friend being U, is my mum for letting her stay indefinitely or am I?

Thank you and I appreciate all responses.

Has your mum actually asked you to give up your bed, or are you just assuming that she will expect it?

Your mum is possibly looking forward to her coming and it may give her a boost. I would ask your mum to buy a single bed and put that in her sitting room. A proper bed is better than a fold up or sofa bed. I know a random bed looks odd in a sitting room but who cares? Alternatively pop the single bed, if there's enough room in your mum's bedroom.

But neither of the beds are available? So she’ll have to go to a hotel.

It's not "mums house", it's both their house.

Just because the OP is not a child, it doesn't mean that it's not her home.

What a horrible way to put it "if you’re living rent free in someone’s home" it HER MUM! And as it happens, it's both their house anyway.

You sound awfully bitter and jealous.

Of course you shouldn't be expected to give up your bed! Your mum also has the right to invite a friend to stay with you. When I had an extra guest who I didn't have a bed for, I bought a futon, which cost me about £100, and which serves as a nice comfy chair in the bedroom when not in use.

No way should you give up your bed and be in agony to meet her demands
Tell her now, that she is welcome( if she is) to visit but you are unable to accommodate her
If she wants to come, she'll need to find and pay for a hotel or b&b nearby
Do not back down.

Send her details of local hotels and travelodge places. It sounds like a one sided friendship. You can say you are both looking forward to seeing her, but naturally you are unable to provide a bed due to the serious health conditions you both have.

Have you even actually had a conversation with your mum about this?

The Z bed is the answer. Unless you pay top money, airbeds aren’t great and this woman sounds like she’s your mum’s age.

Your mum needs to grow up and stop being selfish if she can’t give up her falling in front of the TV for short visit.

A z- bed is an option if it's affordable
and there is room.

She’s unwilling to say when she’ll be visiting. I didn’t know people got to dictate let alone pick and choose when they stay at someone’s home. She’ll just have to be told there’s no room or that she’ll have to sleep on the couch failing that book a hotel. You’re under no condition nor obligation to give your bed up.

Can you message and say 'I am just trying to work out appointments and meals etc for time you are here. Could you give me your arrival and departure dates.'

Absolutely not.
Completely unreasonable for you to have to give up your bed.
I wouldn't consider it.
She hasn't invited your mother to visit in 30 years?
She is lucky to be offered a blow up.
You certainly don't want a cheeky fxxker like her feeling too comfortable.
Cheap blow up or hotel.....her choice.

Have you used an inflatable bed recently? They are truly awful. Every time you move you will be woken by the ripple effect across the rest of the bed. A fold-out bed is a good idea, but perhaps the guest could use it. A bedroom is a very personal space. It seems unreasonable to have to give it up. I’d also say no more than 3 nights.

I'd approach the situation with this frame of mind - your mother's friend is welcome to stay for the first night of their visit to your area, and the last night, but everything in between, it really would be best if they found alternative accommodation.

If you can, do a quick search on what is available in your immediate locality by way of B&Bs and AirBnB's and the nearest hotel to you. So you have different price brackets for the friend to be able to stay in. Remind your mother that you need the bed/mattress you're on for your back and when said friend is gone home, you're expected to care for your mother and this will be considerably harder if your back is in bits.
Also, if your mother's friend stays elsewhere, then she is free to come and go as she pleases, do what she wants and also eat in the restaurant of the hotel or wherever she wants.

How old are you?

How old is your Mum?

How old is the friend?

Have you ever lived independently?

Have you ever had a relationship?

Do you have any friends?

I apologise if someone has already pointed this out, but in her opening post, OP states that she pays half of all utility bills and buys all her own food.
Hardly rent-free!
And I'm with you OP in that you don't give up your bed and bedroom.
Your mum's friend stays in a hotel/Airbnb, or your mum/friend pays for you to stay in one, or a fold-up bed/airbed is bought and placed somewhere suitable for the friend.

Also, as you are the carer for your mother, you surely can guide her, while she might want to appear to be the hostess with the mostest, it just isn't going to be possible to have her friend stay under your roof for more than the first and last days of her trip.

Hotel, all the way. Why on earth should you be on a couch? She hasn’t hosted your mum for 30 years, surely she doesn’t think she’s staying at yours?

is my mum for letting her stay indefinitely

This is just ridiculous hyperbole.
It’s your mum’s home, she can have people to stay. She needs to be courteous to you, but you don’t get to decide.

At what point has it ever been suggested that this woman with 2 homes is staying indefinitely?

Your mum herself said it’ll be about a week.
So the guest hasn’t given exact dates - if your mum is fine with that, then it’s OK. Quite often informal visits to friends are fitted round other things - she may just be waiting for plans to fall into place.
As for your mum not being invited to visit… that’s your mum’s choice to accept that. Maybe your mum doesn’t like staying with other people. Maybe the friend had/has a husband who didn’t like it. It’s not for you to decide anything against the friend because of it - your mum is clearly OK with it to have maintained the friendship so long.

All those things are you getting worked up about nothing - I mean, “indefinitely”?
As is the bed situation as you don’t sound like you’ve actually spoken to your mum yet.

”Mum, it’ll be lovely for you seeing X again. I’d love to say I’d give up my bed, but as you know with my conditions there’s no chance. What do you think about this Z bed?”

A friend can’t just declare that they’re visiting. If they’re going to be in the area, they can let that be known, but you are simply not in a position to host them overnight - you don’t have a spare bedroom. It’s not unreasonable, nor unusual, to expect a visitor to stay elsewhere if there is insufficient accommodation for them, and any visitor (including your uncle) should be mortified to find that they’d literally kicked you out of your bed. I think your mother is being unreasonable if she expects you to have to sleep on the sofa - adults sleep in beds, and no guest should expect that in order to stay the night, you will have to give up your bedroom.

OP says they are each other’s carers. Does this mean they both claim carers allowance for each other?

You’ve got another post that mentions there are 2 others in your house. Who is the third person, and how do their sleeping arrangements fit with this visitor?

It is not about the bed or arthritis or air bed or whatever - it is about this woman not ever once inviting them to her place in Italy and the mum thinking it is OK to let her inconvenience them. Our family had relatives (!) just like that - relocated to Portugal years ago, before it was even on the Place in the Sun map, in the late 1980s. Where did they stay for their UK visits? Correct. Have we ever been to their place? Not once, not even invited. My parents put up with it and now I put my foot down when my parents are no longer able to drive to the airport, pick them up, change their bed linen, cook for them. I just say (without I am sorry) I am busy with work and my parents are no longer physically fit to entertain you. And I don't even live with my parents anymore.

What’s that got to do with anything

No, you don’t give up your bed. If your mum stays up all night then her friend can have her bed.