To be annoyed that someone will be sleeping in my bed for a week plus?

[BobbyBiscuits]

A bit of background is required but I could do with some advice.

I live with my elderly mum in her house. We basically are eachothers carers. All is good, it works out fine for both most of the time.
I pay half for utilities and buy all my own food etc.

But my mum has a friend, she lives up north and also splits her time with a house in Italy. They've been friends since their early 20s, but friend has not invited mum to stay with her in over 30 years.

This friend has declared she's visiting in August, but is unwilling to give an exact date. I asked for how long and mum just said 'oh, probably no longer than a week.'
The problem being, this person will be sleeping in my bed. I have severe osteoporosis, and arthritic symptoms and get a lot of pain in my hip due to a bodged surgery.

The only other place I can sleep is a small 2 person couch in my living area. My legs dangle off the couch at the knees! It is very painful and I wake up every 20 mins.

I half jokingly said I want the friend to pay board, then if necessary I could use at least some of it to sleep in a budget hotel for a couple of nights. Just literally to give me 7 hours of comfortable sleep.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to pay for myself to sleep in a hotel.

What do you all think? Is the friend being U, is my mum for letting her stay indefinitely or am I?

Thank you and I appreciate all responses.

So your mum has her own living area?
I would buy one of those self inflating beds - you just plug it in and it inflates in two minutes (and deflates too) and set it up in there. If your mums staying up in her chair, the friend can go in her bed. If your mum wants to go to bed, then her friend can go on the airbed.
It'll belike a sleepover for lil ole ladies.

@Mrsttcno1 my deceased father purchased the home. With the intention that his wife and only child would be able to reside there. I'm my mum's sole beneficiary. My dad passed when I was a child. It was very difficult for both of us but we managed.

Decent sofa bed or full height self inflating air bed in the living room for either you or the guest. We have one of the air beds and it's easy to use, really comfortable and wasn't expensive. I agree that she shouldn't have your bed though.

But it sounds like the mum needs her to live there

You do need to assert yourself, yes.

Ask your Mother what arrangements shes making for her guest to sleep - make it clear your bed and your room are not an option unless she's paying for you to sleep elsewhere (and if she is, then her friend can obviously take over caring duties whilst you're away, hurrah!).

Asking you to sleep on the sofa for a week or possibly more is not reasonable - you are not a guest in her home, you share a home with her, equally and pay your way.

I agree that if its the mums house the mum should be allowed to have a friend stay, she is elderly, how many more years of friends staying over does she have left? Go halves on a fold out bed with your mum.

@rightoguvnor yeah, that's what I was thinking! I think I'll raise the idea of an airbed in her bit.
We are lucky enough to both have separate living rooms.

Okay, but it makes no difference whatsoever that you are the “sole beneficiary” now because your mum is alive! That’s like me saying my mum and dad’s house is equally mine and my sisters today because we are their beneficiaries.

It’s her house, she can invite her friend to stay in the bedroom if she wants to.

How is your bed available? You are using it and you need it (you should never let you mother bully you into giving it up for anyone, whether her friend, brother or King Charles himself).

I don’t understand why you are expected to give up your bed and sleep on sofa?

Surely the visitor will be told she can stay but the only available space is the sofa. If she doesn’t like that she can book a hotel.

I don't think it matters that it's OPs mums house. Yes of course her friend should come and stay, but op has her own room there, pays bills and food and cares for her mum, she shouldn't have to give up her room unless she wants to especially as she has health conditions herself. Camp bed in the living room is the best idea.

Air bed in your mum's living room

Sorry, but no to letting anyone take your bed. You need it, and this friend has other options (hotel, airbed, or not visiting at all). The airbed can be set up wherever there's room. If that means she has to wear earplugs and a sleeping mask, so be it!

OP cares for her mum and vice-versa. She pays half the bills and pays for her own food. Of course it's her home and she has every right to be there!

So it’s your mum’s house, she can invite who she wants. But your mum is stupid that she should’ve arranged this better.

There isn't a bed for the guest to sleep in so they can't stay. It's that simple.

No reasonable guest would expect you to give up your bed, which you need very much yourself.

Suggest a Z bed purchase.

You need to be firm. Yes it's your mums house but it's your home.

OP pays half the bills and buys her own food. OP is not leeching off her mother. The friend needs to but her hand in her pocket and pay for a hotel

I'd definitely assert your right to keeping your bed. Your mother has to accept that part of the arrangement is that her grown daughter who lives with her as a carer and contributes to the costs of the running the house and has health issues that make sleeping on the sofa difficult cannot be turfed out of her own bed. That's insane. There are other options (airbed, hotel), and if her friend truly wants to visit, she can avail herself of one of them.

Thanks everyone so much for the replies.
I think the z bed/ inflatable bed thing might be the best way forward for me to suggest.
The issue I have is if she said 'im here for 3 nights' then I can prepare. It feels like she might stay for fucking ages lol.

But she can sleep on a hotel, right?

Errr.... yes. That is LITERALLY what hotels are there for 🙄

She will not be sleeping in your bed. For heaven's sake any decent person would be mortified to inflict that on their host, and if she's not a decent person you shouldn't be hosting her at all.

Give the guest the sofa. Let her know in advance that whilst she's absolutely welcome, you don't have a guest room and can only offer a sofa. If she doesn't want the sofa she doesn't have to stay with you of course. Do not on any account follow your plan, it's a horrible thing to do to someone, because it tells them loud and clear that you think they are selfish.

Ok I get you now, I wasn’t sure if you preferred the couch but as that’s not the case then yes I’d agree with you, you need to assert yourself. Why should you be uncomfortable in your own home? I understand making guests comfortable and welcome but she is your mums guest so why doesn’t she give up her bed and she sleeps on the sofa? If your mum won’t agree to that then surely she can see it is an unreasonable ask of you. Why can’t the friend sleep on the couch? I’d say to your mum no one is having your bed. The guests options are 1- a hotel 2- mums bed 3- the couch

The OP and her DM are each others carers, she pays half the bills and it’s her family home since childhood. She’s not temporarily staying there. She lives there. It is her home. I do t think it is as simple as Mum can turf her out her room any time she likes.

Erm no if she knows you she knows you have issues meaning you can’t just slum it on the sofa and will happily oblige to sleeping on the couch herself or a hotel.

@StormingNorman thank you. I've suffered horrific childhood bereavement and me and my mum have been there for eachother always.