Co-parenting A Newborn

[LoneWolfOfThePack]

Hi,

I'm not really sure where to post this but I really need some advice. I feel this is a slightly complex situation so I apologise if this is long.

I'm exactly 38 weeks pregnant today, baby's dad has not been involved since I found out. In the whole time, he's refused to provide his medical information, attended 1 scan and asked if we are both okay no more than 5 times but has sent multiple abusive messages to me.

Our relationship wasn't healthy and very brief, which is why i left very early on. Whilst there was no physical violence, there was a huge aspect of financial and emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. He was also basically a MN defined Cocklodger and is someone i would deem an unknown risk. Aside from the abusive factors, he also has unmonitored MH issues, drug and alcohol issues, lives with his mum and is now on the sick (he quit his job when we were together for no particular reason). There's also been some random comment made in passing that is concerning, like he used to say his mum would go crazy if he ate or drank anything in the house that he hadn't bought himself and he also used to call his 3yo nephew greedy constantly if he asked for food and refused to make him anything. With my agreement, Social services have had a visit with him and have stated that his views are he wants full PR and us to be a family but ss are also concerned that he isn't aware of and/or is minimising his own risk factors.

Last night, I recieved another abusive email where he appears to of been digging into my past for ammunition and call me a narcissistic slut, etc, etc. I finally and probably stupidly responded to clarify if he would be applying to the courts for contact, so I could be prepared for this upon birth as it seems its going to become very nasty. I have also raised the option of supervised contact in a contact center, which he declined stating only alone contact or visits with me present to begin with would be what he wanted.

I can elaborate on my past if people thinks that may be relevent. But I'm wondering if we were to go down the court route what would the contact look like? Would he gain immediate huge amounts of custody, rights etc? And if we came to a mutual agreement what would contact after birth be as a recommendation?

Social services have had a visit with him

what instigated this?

In your situation I would not be putting him on the birth certificate and I would be looking at options that involved living a long way away from him. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you asked.

I wouldn't let him near my newborn alone

Just saying

Oh yes do not add him to the birth certificate

Also just to mention, after their visit the Social worker advised me to consider not willingly putting him on the birth certificate because if he was to take the baby out, he doesn't actually legally have to return her home to me at all. Which is something they raised as a possible concern themselves and I hadn't even considered but due to the unknown risk and lack of mutual engagement so far it does seem likely this may be something he considers doing to either hurt me or get his own way.

I want to breastfeed my baby too which is now making me think I won't be able to as I'm going to be battling in court, this stress and risking not seeing my baby much or at all to even establish the process properly.

op

why is social services involved?

You are within your rights to breastfeed your child.
If CSC have advised not to put him on the birth cert that's pretty serious and indicates they may have additional info.

What instigated them getting involved?

He sounds like an utter waster. Do you think he will actually bother going through with court if you make it difficult for him? Because from your description so far, it doesn't sound that likely. Don't put him on the birth certificate, don't allow contact based on the issues you have raised, the ball is then in his court to do something about it but I bet he won't.

I wouldn’t be putting him on the birth certificate and he’d be blocked on every single avenue of communication. If he wants to see his child, he can go through the courts… but I suspect he won’t bother. I certainly wouldn’t be making the effort and offering any contact with my child, in any form.

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate. If he didn't return your child, the police would be powerless to help unless you could prove immediate risk of harm. He sounds absolutely vile.

Social services procedure and my request to get an outsider opinion on his risk is what instigated the visit. He also requested it after multiple failed attempts at them trying to contact him.

It may be worth clarifying too that the involvement of ss are originally standard procedure I believe due to factors of my own past. Many years ago, before I was 18, I had a child adopted at birth due to a highly dv relationship and my MH immediately after that process. I've worked with ss and other professionals openly from the start of pregnancy and they are very happy with my progress over the past 11 years and baby will be coming home.

This is why the situation is complex I think, because my risk management to outside factors is one of the areas that ss have had to assess thoroughly with me. I was open about the relationship issues and my concerns, the continued messages etc. And the unknown risk. So I really don't want to get this wrong for my own sake but mainly for my baby's safety and emotional development.

I 100% agree. Have nothing to do with him from now

Don't tell him when the baby is born
Don't put him on the birth certificate
You'll.probably never hear from.him again which would be a good thing.

I wouldn't let this man anywhere near my baby and wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, also, don't give baby his name.

With regard the wider question, you can't co parent a new born with someone who doesn't also live in the house. A new born needs the same one parent available constantly.

Oh dear, seek proper legal advice now.

A short relationship with an abusive, drug-taking man, with a difficult family and you are pregnant.

A child ties you, life long to this man and his family as your child is his child.

You need to get legal advice right now otherwise ( unless proven safeguarding issues) you are going to have to share your child with their DF. ( to some extent, and built up overtime). Find out legally your rights/ the difference it might make around the birth certificate.

If course with advances in DNA testing this isn't going to prevent this man or your child proving they are related.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility
Official advice here, including him being able to apply for parental responsibility if he is not named on the bc.

Breastfeed. That gives you some space for at least 12 months. Court is costly, does he have the money? Or access to money? It's not free just because he's not working.

The birth certificate thing is often misunderstood - it is not up to you to put him on it. You're not married so the father has ro rock up at.the office and sign that he's the father. If you don't tell him when you're registering the birth, that gives you some breathing space but he can pursue that in court if he wants. He'll win, just to be clear, the courts will order a DNA test and put him on it when he's proven the father. However, again, he'll need to pay the coirt fees, probably pay a solicitor and potentially a barrister.

Try not to worry. Men like this are usually all bluster and little action. You owe him nothing at all - keep him away from baby and let him.use the courts.

It's good that social services are involved, because they will help you spot the red flags that you may be missing.

From the outside, the clear answer is to not put him on the birth certificate, don't tell him when the baby is born, and block him so that he cannot send you abusive messages.

You need to grey rock him, don't react at all to him. When the baby arrives, it will be up to him to apply to the court if he chooses. Then assessments can be done, with the support of social services.

Do not try and keep him happy here. It's not your job in any way.

Echo pp, block all form of communication with this man, possibly, apart from email (get a new email address for this) . Ignore any threats of court, extremely unlikely he'll bother.
In fact, I'd tell him he's not the dad. This man will add nothing positive to you or your child's life.

Honestly OP, I would block every method of communication with him so he can't send abusive messages. Don't tell him when the baby is born and don't put him on the birth certificate. If he wants contact he can apply through the courts. I suspect he won't.

Also this. If he wants to instigate court proceedings then he can do that but he doesn't sound like he'll have the motivation or the discipline to do so.

Focus on your welfare and your baby's welfare. If you want to breastfeed, do -and take all the support you can from specialist feeding teams, breastfeeding network etc. Don't hold back on his account.

Try to forget about this man altogether and focus on the village that will support you in raising your child.

Also, if he knows where you live, I'd move.

I agree - no communication - let him take you to court.
You need to step away from his drama and focus on your lovely new baby.
Saying that, keep all messages safe - copy them as I believe he could delete WhatsApp ones.
You can register the baby yourself - he would have to accompany you to be on the birth certificate if you’re not married.

Do not tell him when the baby is born.

Do a Claire's law search.

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Give the baby your surname.

Breastfeed as it less likely he would be granted unsupervised contact in the first year.

Do not contact again and let him do the running with court.

Never contact him again. (Keep all evidence of abusive messages)

Don't give him any updates. At all.

Don't put him in the birth certificate.

Move far away if you can.

Breast feed.

If he wants contact/PR he'll have to arrange it via court.

Op, you need to be very careful here. You absolutely cannot put him on the birth certificate, and you would be very wise to cease ALL contact with him. Do not allow him to see the baby after it's born, and if he wants visitation, he will have to take you to court. Keep records of everything he's texted and emailed you. If I were you, I would do everything possible to move away, as soon as you can. You do not want this man in your child's life.