Co-parenting A Newborn

[LoneWolfOfThePack]

Hi,

I'm not really sure where to post this but I really need some advice. I feel this is a slightly complex situation so I apologise if this is long.

I'm exactly 38 weeks pregnant today, baby's dad has not been involved since I found out. In the whole time, he's refused to provide his medical information, attended 1 scan and asked if we are both okay no more than 5 times but has sent multiple abusive messages to me.

Our relationship wasn't healthy and very brief, which is why i left very early on. Whilst there was no physical violence, there was a huge aspect of financial and emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. He was also basically a MN defined Cocklodger and is someone i would deem an unknown risk. Aside from the abusive factors, he also has unmonitored MH issues, drug and alcohol issues, lives with his mum and is now on the sick (he quit his job when we were together for no particular reason). There's also been some random comment made in passing that is concerning, like he used to say his mum would go crazy if he ate or drank anything in the house that he hadn't bought himself and he also used to call his 3yo nephew greedy constantly if he asked for food and refused to make him anything. With my agreement, Social services have had a visit with him and have stated that his views are he wants full PR and us to be a family but ss are also concerned that he isn't aware of and/or is minimising his own risk factors.

Last night, I recieved another abusive email where he appears to of been digging into my past for ammunition and call me a narcissistic slut, etc, etc. I finally and probably stupidly responded to clarify if he would be applying to the courts for contact, so I could be prepared for this upon birth as it seems its going to become very nasty. I have also raised the option of supervised contact in a contact center, which he declined stating only alone contact or visits with me present to begin with would be what he wanted.

I can elaborate on my past if people thinks that may be relevent. But I'm wondering if we were to go down the court route what would the contact look like? Would he gain immediate huge amounts of custody, rights etc? And if we came to a mutual agreement what would contact after birth be as a recommendation?

Keep records of all the abusive messages he has sent you and then block him on everything.
If you’re worried he’ll turn up at your house, can you get a Ring doorbell?
Do not tell him when you go into labour or give birth.
Try and get the birth registered ASAP (make the appointment the second you get to the recovery ward, there can be a long wait in places) and do not tell him.
Consider setting up an email account that is solely for the two of you to use - but I wouldn’t tell him about it until you want to inform him that the baby has arrived and say it is the only way he can contact you.
Definitely breastfeed if that is what you want to do. It will delay any unsupervised contact. Make sure you get lactation specialist involved if you need help.

Give the baby your surname
Do not put his name as father
Keep a copy of all threatening messages
rely on social services for support and and they can monitor his behavior too .
You can be a great mum to your baby and in a better position to raise them as a single parent than your previous child . Accept help and good luck x

Block him.
Keep a record of everything that has happened.
Any more abusive messages report to the police.
Do not add to bc.
Let him take you to court. (He probably won't)
Definitely breastfeed as long as possible. If he was to take you to court breastfeeding will limit how much contact he gets.
Good luck.

Thank you for the advice so far.

It was already a definite to not putting him on the birth certificate without any form of court order stating I need to. I've already made it clear to ss that I won't be seeking financial support from him or anything either, I know that goes against what MN usually recommends, even though it wont be alot anyways I don't really need to financial wise and I also don't want him to have the ammunition of that. Though he does know my baby's due date so it's going to be impossible to keep her being born from him for a reasonable period of time but he would likely only find out if he saw me in the street or someone else told him, so I'm going to be careful on that one.

He's fully on benefits now as far as im aware so I don't know if he would be able to afford courts etc without legal aid which isn't clear if this will or will not be granted to him. Though on the otherhand I don't really want to end up in a financial struggle bankrolling this shambles if its something he's likely going to just be handed without question anyways but it's something I'm prepared to do to keep my baby safe.

The only form of contact hes been able to have with me for the past 9 months has been via email only. He just creates new accounts as soon as he doesnt get a response off old ones. All other communication aspects hes already blocked on. Thankfully but oddly hes never turned up at my address since I ended everything with him so I'm hoping it stays that way. Also surprisingly there hasn't been any paternity disputes so far which is odd considering all he does is accuse me of cheating and never wanting him lol so DNA wouldn't really come as an issue.

Does anyone know that if it did go through court that he would actually be adequately assessed and supervised or whatever before an agreement/order was made? Or are they likely to just hear both views and grant based on the fact its his sperm?

Go to the baby registering appointment on your own so he can’t bully you about the babt’s name. Abusive men seem to love insisting that the baby has his surname regardless of whether or not they pay Child maintenance or see the child.

Going to court costs money (£210 plus mediation) Is he likely to pay that ?

Breastfeeding you’d like. Nobody can stop you from doing that.

It’s ok to say no to you supervising contact.

Don’t tell him when you go into labour. You don’t want him turning up at the hospital or accosting you the second that you get home. Send a text with the name and birth weight then cross your fingers that you hear nothing from him although I suspect he’s the type who will send threats about court and do nothing.

I'd also reccomend informing the midwives about this so the staff where you give birth are aware not to give him any information or access.

Given what you've described about your past life experience, you MUST cooperate with SS and communicate with them well.

Midwives and ss have been aware of the situation since the beginning and throughout. I think this is why they wanted to have a meeting with him to make sure they could get their own feel of the situation and to show I'm not being malicious or something, which by their own feedback shows that I'm not being hugely unreasonable in my concerns. I've already agreed to and done a ss enforced birth plan which means the hospital staff are officially aware that he is banned from attending the ward or to be made aware of any admissions related to me or baby during our stay. Which is a relief. I will make them aware on Monday though about this additional contact from yesterday.

Like I stated in a pp, due to my history with ss and the process I've had to go through myself to prove my own credibility and stainability of life changes these past 11 years, I need to make sure everything I do/plan is the right decision and consistent, which is a pressure in itself without being threatened and made to feel like I'm being unreasonably difficult for protecting my baby, as well as myself.

OP, your last para, question. As Social Services have already been involved with him and have red flagged he is minimising his Risk then, yes, Family Court will want him to be assessed.

Oh, and I think a previous poster has suggested telling him the baby is not his. Don't tell lies. If it can be proved by DNA test you have lied, anything else you say could be undermined.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t voluntarily give him access to the baby.

Social services obviously agree he’s a less than ideal parent and you don’t want your integrity as a mother questioned if this all goes tits up.

If he wants to see the baby or be on the BC, make him go through the courts.

I’m sorry he’s turned out this way. What a tosspot.

I agree, and would never go down the denying paternity route knowing it wasn't true, especially for my baby's sake. He even gave me that option in an ultimatum himself in the early stages of pregnancy, to be a family or never mention his name to the baby or tell them anything about him at all. I refused because I would never deprive a child of knowledge to who their parents are regardless of the situation. I'm just very cautious of the risks him having immediate PR could possibly cause to the baby that's all, which is why I feel I can't confidently place him on the BC without needing to, especially after the concerns SS raised about him not needing to legally return her home and stuff.

Breastfeed the baby, courts take this into consideration when access arrangements are made and it is typically no overnights ( if it even got that far ) until 1 year minimum.

So the court will want drug and alcohol reports. He may not be automatically granted PR if it's agreed that there are safeguarding concerns. Keep the abusive messages, that gives you a reason to not facilitate contact. Breastfeeding is given priority, so usually the visits would be in your's or a family members home, a few times a week. With a increase at 1 years old. Then a move to overnight. However if there are still safeguarding concerns, that won't happen. Food issues are a safeguarding concern. The court would order parenting classes etc. I doubt that he'll be in this for the long haul tbh.

He won't get legal aid unless there has been evidence of domestic violence by you against him.

This is why you shouldn't contact him/see him as he will use any messages to obtain a non mol order which opens up legal aid.

Just casually cut contact with him now if I were you. You're so close to the finish line! And book birth registration date ASAP once baby arrives. Varies in different areas but in my area we had a 4wk wait with baby 2. If he messages you just say all good or similar without confirming or denying anything about pregnancy. Obviously you will have to tell him once baby is here but let him do all the running and again personally I wouldn't invite or make any suggestions of him seeing baby leave it to him. If he does ask to see baby do show willing and don't deny him as I believe that can go against you if you do end up in court. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong on that one???

Stop all contact with him.

don’t put him on the birth certificate.

if he knows where you live, move if possible. If that isn’t possible increase your at home security with a camera and extra locks etc.

If he really wants to he will go down the court route however it takes a lot of effort on his behalf and hopefully he’ll get bored and walk away.

PP have mentioned taking screenshots/printing out his messages as he can delete them (especially what's app - delete for everyone is very easy).
I would add - change his name on your phone to his number. Then he can't argue that you got your mate Suzi to text you abusive messages, pretending they're from him by then changing Suzi to "Dave" in your phone.
If the messages clearly have 0987654321 at the top (his number) then he cannot argue anyone else sent them

Do not put him on the birth cert
Do not engage with him at all. Create an email account solely for communicating with him & block him from everything else. Open the email regularly but only when you're strong enough to cope with his tirades.

Absolutely breast feed if you can - its good for the baby.
He does not get to take the baby away from you for at least the first year BUT you should not let him into your home for any reason.
If he wants contact offer 2 options eg we can meet you for one hour at 10am on Saturday or 2.30pm on Sunday just let me know where to meet. (Or suggest a couple of safe neutral spaces) do not go to his/his families house.
If he's late, leave at the end of the hour not an hour after he arrives.

Archive all the emails so you can produce them in court down the line if necessary.

If he turns up at your house do not let him in & call the police.

You need to set strong boundaries from the outset to protect you & your baby.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Give the baby your surname. Do not ever respond to any emails he sends to you. I agree with @DaisyChain505 if he knows where you live move if you can. If you do read any emails from him don’t believe a word he says. If he wants contact it will need to be requested via the court.

I would block contact with him and move far away....

Do not put him on the birth certificate under any circumstances.

This.

You don't have to be 'fair' to your ex. I'm guessing you are thinking about what should be done in an ideal world- but screw that. I'd retreat and do absolutely nothing to enable him or make it in anyway easier to get contact.

Thank you for this advice it's worth considering.

I get my situation isn't entirely what a normal separation contact dispute would look like as I feel that what may be deemed "appropriate action" to the courts in relation to contact attempts, may actually be derail my own progress and situation with the ss. He is at the moment deemed a potential risk, though the full picture of how much of one still remains unknown to both myself and ss. Though they have stated the decision is ultimately mine with his involvement at the moment due to PR, they would recommend for him to go down the court route if that is his wishes.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't mind facilitating the an hour in a park meet up here and there but how is that going to look to ss in my own terms of risk management, though i do not feel confident that i am a suitable person to be able to do supervise this interaction incase anything was to happen. I don't think it would be wise for my own position to now go against the discussions and advice of ss and attempt to manage it myself and begin a contact opportunity based on what the courts may deem suitable. But on the otherhand I don't want to end up in court and it go against me that I've been difficult and put barriers up throughout. I've never been in this situation before and have so many questions but no definitive answers.

So the question in battling between now is which route do I take. The route of ss and my own concerns saying court order is more favourable or the route of what the court may likely suggest simply to make things easier? Could I lose my baby due to doing the latter? Will I look bad and have that taken into consideration yet be worse off in court for following the former?

If SS are already involved it's highly likely that if he does apply to family court for contact, they will be asked to provide a report to inform the court decision. I can't stress this enough, if SS are advising no contact then do as they say. Otherwise they can say that you weren't protective and that can be really bad, particularly given the previous history.

He's fully on benefits now as far as im aware so I don't know if he would be able to afford courts etc without legal aid which isn't clear if this will or will not be granted to him

there is no legal aid for family matters as a matter of course. There is limited legal,aid where do,es tic violence has been involved, Assuming he can’t prove you used to beat him, he won’t get any financial support to take you to court. He may, however, decide to self-represent.

@notbelieved him self representing wouldn't be an issue at all I don't think, he's not great with words and selfishness shines through easily as soon as he opens his mouth. And its likely if within 1 visit ss saw him minimising risk and concern but continued to enforce his rights and wishes as mandatory then the same would likely apply in court. He's very much woe is me so as selfish as this sounds I'd and ss recommendations would probably stand a much better chance of being listened to if he did chose to self representation route. Thank you for the insight to the legal aid though, I'm sure the costs would likely, hopefully be his downfall especially if he plans a messy battle.

I'd block him for now, have a calm end to your pregnancy, definetly don't put him on that birth certificate whatever you do, you will regret that I promise.

I would insist on a contact center, in my experience they say oh you bring baby over or I'll come to you, and it's not to see the baby, he will either try and worm his way back in with you, or just use it a chance to verbally or emotionally abuse you. Keep him at arms length, if he dosnt want supervised visits in a contact center then that's his choice