Co-parenting A Newborn

[LoneWolfOfThePack]

Hi,

I'm not really sure where to post this but I really need some advice. I feel this is a slightly complex situation so I apologise if this is long.

I'm exactly 38 weeks pregnant today, baby's dad has not been involved since I found out. In the whole time, he's refused to provide his medical information, attended 1 scan and asked if we are both okay no more than 5 times but has sent multiple abusive messages to me.

Our relationship wasn't healthy and very brief, which is why i left very early on. Whilst there was no physical violence, there was a huge aspect of financial and emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. He was also basically a MN defined Cocklodger and is someone i would deem an unknown risk. Aside from the abusive factors, he also has unmonitored MH issues, drug and alcohol issues, lives with his mum and is now on the sick (he quit his job when we were together for no particular reason). There's also been some random comment made in passing that is concerning, like he used to say his mum would go crazy if he ate or drank anything in the house that he hadn't bought himself and he also used to call his 3yo nephew greedy constantly if he asked for food and refused to make him anything. With my agreement, Social services have had a visit with him and have stated that his views are he wants full PR and us to be a family but ss are also concerned that he isn't aware of and/or is minimising his own risk factors.

Last night, I recieved another abusive email where he appears to of been digging into my past for ammunition and call me a narcissistic slut, etc, etc. I finally and probably stupidly responded to clarify if he would be applying to the courts for contact, so I could be prepared for this upon birth as it seems its going to become very nasty. I have also raised the option of supervised contact in a contact center, which he declined stating only alone contact or visits with me present to begin with would be what he wanted.

I can elaborate on my past if people thinks that may be relevent. But I'm wondering if we were to go down the court route what would the contact look like? Would he gain immediate huge amounts of custody, rights etc? And if we came to a mutual agreement what would contact after birth be as a recommendation?

This man sounds like a nightmare. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants visitation rights let him go through the courts. If he continues to harass you report him to the police.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t allow any contact. Let him take you to court where you can raise his issues with drugs. You can then ask for supervised contact at a contact centre and regular drug testing. I wouldn’t be allowing a drug user to have unsupervised contact with my baby/
child. Plus all the other issues. I probably wouldn’t have even told him I was pregnant with his child but that ship has sailed.

Op. Get a new email address, ditch the old one. Change your phone number. Move house if you can. If he turns up report him to the police but DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM AT ALL. Don't tell him about the birth, don't send him photos, nothing. Leave him off the birth certificate and give the baby your name. He won't be able to get legal aid. He won't take you to court. He will hopefully just disappear and stay that way.

Do not reply to any communication. He doesn't want to be a parent, he wants to use that baby to control you and get a reaction out of you. Every single time you engage with him you are literally handing him the ammunition to fire right back at you. Stop giving it to him.

What do you actually think he can add to a child's life? Seriously? You may say that your kid has a right to know their father but they also have a right and need to a happy stable life. The stable happy life is what produces stable happy children. They don't need a dad. And you can provide that stability all on your own.

That poor 3yo nephew, 3 is so young and vulnerable. I hope he has had minimum exposure to your ex ever.

op, you sound like you’re debating and wondering around some things which shoukd be absolutes. This man is not a safe man for a baby, and you should take every reasonable option to keep him away /his contact minimised. So you do not put him on the birth certificate. They gives you considerable extra time while he kicks off court proceedings, if he kicks off court proceedings. You do not offer unsupervised contact and by unsupervised I mean you need a 3rd person, and are not in your house ideally, so it’s not just you baby and him in a private place.
please do breastfeed, if you get it established it’s not a stress, it’s the easiest way to flexibly feed and support your baby. No bottles and extra, you have everything you need with you at all times, you don’t have to get up and make bottles at night. I had long haul flights when mine were 6 months so didn’t plan to introduce bottles till after that so I didn’t need to have bottles on a plane.

Get everything social services said to you in writing. Do a SAR for social services now for yours and baby records. Do this NOW so you have it ready for family court. SS advised me to leave my abusive ex and verbally told me all types of concerns then they refused to write me any of this for court and said court has to order them to do this. Court never ordered it. I did the SAR but got the records too late. I basically looked like a lier in court because the report the court got from SS had nothing of what I said I had been told. When I read the SAR it was all there in the records they just hadn't included it for the court report. My abusive ex got 2 overnights with my breasted 7 month old. It started supervised and built up to that by 7 months.

Keep all contact with ex in writing. Keep the emails and messages that show he is abusive to you. Keep the emails showing you are offering supervised contact so you have a defense against accusations of parental alienation.

Everything you do now needs to be considered how it will look in court. Family court fails children at alarming rates do not blindly trust the system without a lot of evidence you can't keep him from contact. I'm woman's aid I met women with exs who had convictions for drugs and beating the mum up but this abuse of the mother was not considered a risk to the child. You need evidence he has hurt the child. And if the child gets hurt and you say he did it and he says he didn't it was an accident/you did it etc that's not evidence. Arrests are not evidence only convictions. Family court decisions are made by a single judge often a misogynistic man (in mine and many people I've spoken to experience) it's such a luck if the draw what judge you get. Family court is close you can't go public with what happened. My judge repeatedly spoken about what was best for ex and when I pointed out the court was supposed to be about what was best for the child I was told to stop talking at the wrong time I pissed the judge off and it ended with a court order that was worse for my child. I had a lot of evidence of abuse but judge decided it was all fake. My kids have suffered abuse since court and I couldn't stop it because the court ordered there was no abuse I made it all up so every time I went to SS after court they didn't believe me. My story is not unusual.

I wish I had the record ls in time for court it would have made a huge difference.

Also do SAR to your midwife the HV absolutely everyone who may have it in their records they have concerns about both the father and you. My midwife and HV both had concerns it was evident in the records but they can't write evidence for court unless ordered to and it's up to a judge if they order it.

Everything takes so long to get so do it NOW. If you wait until you get the summons for court it will likely be too late.

Do not put him in the birth certificate. He will almost certainly win this in court but you say you were advised this by SS (if you can find this in the record as it's most likely that SE won't have written that up!) if you can't prove SS said it don't say they did. Say you know with PR and no court order he could take child and not return child. Say you accept he can have PR if you have a court order that will ensure your child won't loose the relationship with their mum. Keep child focused. It's not about you loosing your child it's about the child loosing their mother.

You can try quoting NICE guideline that says breastfeeding is best until age 2. My judge said that's just for poor countries where women can't feed their children, not affluent countries like ours where there is formula. But you may get a judge who actually cares about medical evidence of what is best for children.

Dont be scared. It may be a long road but unless you are proven to be abusive (same bar of proof for your ex so honestly don't be scared!) so unless you are proven abusive you won't get less than 50/50. But if you can show ex is a risk with all the records etc then you will probably get much more than him.

Read up on grey rock. You must do this method. Abusive men use their child to continue control and abuse of the mum- DO NOT give him the reactions he seeks. Make it pointless for him so he moves on.

My ex never actually has the amount of contact he won. He literally said in court he needs enough to reduce his maintenance and the judge ask how much that is and ordered what ex said (I wouldn't believe this if I hadn't experienced it). CMS goes on the court order not how much contact is actually happening. Ironically my ex never has had the kids alone he used his mum or new partner as childcare and he does it less and less now I don't show any reaction to him. The thing that really changed it fo us was I started working when he had the kids and he realised he could mess my life up more by cancelling last minute to stop me working and make me an unreliable worker than by offering me 'free childcare'. It's really hard to do but you need to get to the point where your ex can't get a reaction from you and he is faced with the reality of caring for a child without you there doing it all for him. If he still wants contact then maybe there is hope for him and he wants to be a good father but if you make it impossible to get a reaction out of you and this is all about hurting you he will move on.

Oh also when you suggest supervised try to find a contact centre and give him the details. Make it look like you are not suggesting this just to make contact impossible. Do the work to find one yourself. Do the initial meeting and leave the rest up to him. Absolutely do not agree to supervise contact yourself. Say in court that this would not create a healthy environment for the child if you can't prove it's outright dangerous. If you are supervising contact he has access to you which will keep him happy. Try to have non of your family or friends supervise contact. If you trust his family then this may be ideal but contact centres keep record of how contact has gone and how often it happens where families lie.

It's fucking shit but you need to remember if you are stressed baby is getting your stress hormones. And after birth baby is picking it up. Try to remain calm. You cannot loose your child if you haven't hurt/neglected your child. What's best for baby is a calm mummy. Easier said than done but always always keep the child's best interests as your goal and you will be ok in the end xx

I would not put him on the birth certificate, block him on everything and move if you can. Your child will not benefit from having someone like this in their life. Stop making it so easy for him and hope he goes away.

I'd suggest contacting women's aid for some free legal advice.
If he is clever enough to report you for domestic abuse, he could be eligible for free legal funding to go to court for access, but that would most likely mean you incur legal costs on your side. (I have seen something similar happen to this to someone I know but it was the woman that made the false claim of domestic abuse, and the man was screwed over big time financially with legal costs when he was actually on the receiving end of the abuse).
Find out if that's possible, and what you would need to do to prevent this from happening.
Hope this doesn't scare you, I'd just be looking into every possible angle if I was you, to prepare and prevent any scheming plan he may make.

Thank you. This is a really detailed count to everything that concerns me about the court process as I've heard all the horror stories myself. It does give me a huge amount of insight into the steps I need to look into and take to make sure I'm prepared though. I will make sure I get my own documentation from SS and other professionals in advance though so no reliance is made on their views on things if it does get to that point.

I already have the relevant evidence of the abusive messages aswell as some that include responses suggesting supervised contact and the reasons why, the Claires law request from the police and documentation that I have raised concerns to professionals so I'm hoping that is a start. I will look into the rest though as a priority just so in a worst case scenario I have them to hand, especially the professionals views and responses during conversations. I'm hoping that will also include a more detailed version of their meet with him aswell which actually actively contradicts the "changes" he's already proclaiming to me that he's made.

My child's safety is my main priority and knowing that I'm still dealing with a compulsive liar makes it completely unsafe for me to even facilitate or continue to offer some form of contact that hasn't been recommended by an outside source if that makes sense.

Due to my unfortunate history though, I do have to currently prioritise taking the lead on this situation and actively follow ss recommendations but I'm also very aware how much im potentially going to be pulled apart and possibly punished by the courts for that.

I can’t fathom how you were forced to give up a child for adoption 11 years ago due to a man

and now present day… you are having relationships with similar cretins and unprotected sex (or “contraception failures”)

more than a decade later and your choice in men is still dangerous and i’m so relieved SS are involved

Thanks for your input I guess but I'm sorry, im not sure what it really has to do with the point or advice i was requesting from the thread.

really hoping this panned out better than i expected at the time

So far there isn't a huge lot to update. My DD is now 8 weeks old and he's had no contact at all, though he has spent a huge amount of time trying to pressure me into it. Hes not on the BC and im not seeking CM. Ss completed their risk assessment which highlighted that they agree with my concerns in writing. They too recommend supervised contact via a third party or in a funded by him contact center but all he is pushing for is contact where I must be present or he isn't interested, attempting to coerce me into secret meetings and stuff. Ss have said the discussions of contact need to be mutually agreed between me and him though but I no longer feel comfortable recieving or engaging in any communication with him as the pushing and attempted blackmail is really making me uncomfortable.

I've got to the point now where I'm waiting for him to contact a solicitor (I do not know if he will or not) and then I'll have to take things from there. But it's becoming very clear now that he is attempting to force contact only to have some form of involvement with me (even ss commented on it) and that makes me very concerned about my DD's welfare if she was to be anywhere near him. So I'm pretry scared of the outcome from court if it would ever get that far.

I believe there's an app you can use for comms (other posters may know the details) which can be helpful in abusive situations as everything is on record.
But congratulations on your new baby and it sounds like you have you engaged with SS who have made some sensible recommendations. Just stick to your guns

Sounds like you’re doing brilliantly, keep going for your girl x

Just saw your update OP, well done you and congratulations on your baby! Keep grey rocking the ex and co-operating with SS. Well done again. Having a newborn is hard but you've done so well to get this far since 11 years ago xx

Thank you, that really means alot to hear 😊

Big congratulations on your baby girl OP.

and good luck with the waste of space man.😊

Sending both congratulations and support. You sound like you are doing the very best for your child. Stay strong, you've got this 💪

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl. I read your thread and just wanted to say it is wonderful how you are doing everything possible to keep your little girl safe.

I don't know if your ex will try to have contact alone with the child, but when I left my abusive ex, my solicitor gave me invaluable advice about limiting his contact. It hasn't gone to court as I used that advice through mediation to basically show how his application to court would fail i.e. his complete inability to care for the child and SS concerns. I paid the solicitor less than £400 but it has been worth it so far. Try to get legal support if you can, but spend a bit of time choosing the right solicitor (one was a complete dud).

I want to breastfeed my baby too which is now making me think I won't be able to as I'm going to be battling in court, this stress and risking not seeing my baby much or at all to even establish the process properly.

Stop telling yourself uphelpful untrue things like this.
Breastfeed if you want... you are 38 weeks realistically nothing is going to happen in the next 2 month maybe not 6m re: court at which point BF will be established

If your SW is advising he not go on the birth cert I'd listen...

Congrats on the birth!
Good luck and be kind to yourself. Newborns are tough

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your little girl OP and I am glad things are going well for you so far. You come across as an intelligent woman and devoted mum, which is even more impressive considering your difficult past. Well done on how far you’ve come and best of luck to you and your daughter for the future.