Co-parenting A Newborn

[LoneWolfOfThePack]

Hi,

I'm not really sure where to post this but I really need some advice. I feel this is a slightly complex situation so I apologise if this is long.

I'm exactly 38 weeks pregnant today, baby's dad has not been involved since I found out. In the whole time, he's refused to provide his medical information, attended 1 scan and asked if we are both okay no more than 5 times but has sent multiple abusive messages to me.

Our relationship wasn't healthy and very brief, which is why i left very early on. Whilst there was no physical violence, there was a huge aspect of financial and emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. He was also basically a MN defined Cocklodger and is someone i would deem an unknown risk. Aside from the abusive factors, he also has unmonitored MH issues, drug and alcohol issues, lives with his mum and is now on the sick (he quit his job when we were together for no particular reason). There's also been some random comment made in passing that is concerning, like he used to say his mum would go crazy if he ate or drank anything in the house that he hadn't bought himself and he also used to call his 3yo nephew greedy constantly if he asked for food and refused to make him anything. With my agreement, Social services have had a visit with him and have stated that his views are he wants full PR and us to be a family but ss are also concerned that he isn't aware of and/or is minimising his own risk factors.

Last night, I recieved another abusive email where he appears to of been digging into my past for ammunition and call me a narcissistic slut, etc, etc. I finally and probably stupidly responded to clarify if he would be applying to the courts for contact, so I could be prepared for this upon birth as it seems its going to become very nasty. I have also raised the option of supervised contact in a contact center, which he declined stating only alone contact or visits with me present to begin with would be what he wanted.

I can elaborate on my past if people thinks that may be relevent. But I'm wondering if we were to go down the court route what would the contact look like? Would he gain immediate huge amounts of custody, rights etc? And if we came to a mutual agreement what would contact after birth be as a recommendation?

He won’t be able to afford to take you to court, unless he gets himself a job. Agree with not putting him on BC, don’t contact him at all. He sounds awful. Courts don’t recommend shared custody for babies anyway.

social services are still involved with you despite the event that instigated being 11 years ago?

do you have other children OP? is this why SS is still extensively involved in your life 11 years after they initially were

No this is my first child since that adoption. From what I was made to believe in my booking appointment by my midwife it was routine to be referred to them during this pregnancy due to previous involvement. I also think the concerns of I raised in the beginning about baby's dad added to that need as a procedure too.

As far as im aware their initial involvement from February was to assess that changes had been made and i was in a different place to 11 years ago. Which i am, I've got my own home, I work, financially stable, I've sought and actively engaged for many years in MH therapy and relationship work, no criminal activity, etc. All of which I'm pleased is documented and I've been able to demonstrate to them myself. Their involvement now is purely for support, especially with the issues to do with ex. The plan is to close the case 5 months after birth should no concerns arise on my behalf.

Well done on everything you've achieved so far. You've had some really good advice in this thread, especially the bits about not putting him in the birth certificate, reducing contact as far as possible, and absolutely breastfeeding if you can. The important thing to remember through this process is that your baby's welfare is first priority, but yours is very very close second. You're going to be an amazing mum, and you have to keep yourself safe and well in order to do that.

OP was your baby removed from you?

@PonyPatter44 Thank you, that means alot to hear. I think that is why ss want to remain involved for a period of time post birth to ensure that my MH etc remains stable afterwards especially since we both don't know what dad's full intentions will be once baby is actually here in the flesh, so I am actually grateful of their continued involvement at the moment as it means I have quicker access to support and routes to take if any intervention is needed for both safety to baby and myself should he step up his hate campaign or whatever his intentions are.

Its just that unknown that's tricky to navigate at the moment but this thread has atleast reassured me and helped me prepare for all possibilities. I do plan to stick to the plan with ss moving forward even if that could go against me in court but atleast that way the ss could back up my reasons with their own documents of the whys, discussions we've had and concerns of their own, if comes down to it.

@whichfan as mentioned earlier in my thread... Yes, 11 years ago my 1st (and only, until now) baby was removed from me at birth from the hospital and the adoption finalised within 6 months when I was 17.

This baby I'm currently pregnant with will NOT be removed at all. That has been planned, agreed, signed, documented, etc by all necessary professionals involved for quite some time now.

Yeah this.

Stay involved with SS and be open with them. Absolutely breastfeed your baby because then that will take priority around access. I'd agree also not putting him on birth cert. And see if he actually does anything.
I'd cease contact with him and keep it to short factual responses if he contacts ypu.

I’d come off social media, change my phone number, move house, don’t tell anyone where I’ve gone, never contact him. Hopefully you never hear from him.

Definitely breast feed. No judge in their right mind is going to take a newborn or baby away from its source of food

Good advice if you can manage this.

Also WELL DONE you researching this now and getting prepared. You are going to be an amazing mum.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Give the child your surname. I'd also stop all contact and move if you can. If he wants contact let him go to court for it. If he wants to be added to the birth certificate let him get a paternity test and go to court for that as well. I'd keep records of all contact. You need evidence of his abusive behaviour. If he leaves voicemail make sure you save them. Keep a file with all the abusive emails. Don't answer any calls make him text or email you so you have everything in writing. I wouldn't apply for CM or even acknowledged that he's the father anymore. He sounds very abusive and volatile.

Don't trust SS to back you in court. You need to ask for them to put everything in writing as well. Ask for a written action plan and copies of your case notes if possible. Be organised a keep a file with everything.

Also, keep a wall calender. You can write in all your appointments with the health visitor, baby weigh ins and weights. Groups you go to with baby. Also make sure you register baby with your GP and dentist. Dentist you need to take DC at 1 and opticians at 2 unless you notice a vision issue before.

to be clear

you did not say SS removed your baby and placed the baby up for adoption

you said

Many years ago, before I was 18, I had a child adopted at birth due to a highly dv relationship and my MH immediately after that process.. which indicates the choice was yours rather a court determining that the baby be removed from you and placed for adoption

That does not happen unless something incredibly serious happened. And i mean catastrophically serious. If you’re not going to be honest about why SS remain so heavily involved 11 years after, then i’ll leave you to it OP.

not a chance that before the baby is even born will SD have signed anything regarding what happens to your baby.

@whichfan no disrespect but I'm not here to rake over anything to do with what happened in my life 11 years ago as that has nothing to do with you or why I'm posting now. If you can actually read SS have not been involved in my life by any means over the last 11 years continuously or extensively at all since the adoption was finalised until February of this year. I have no reason or motive to lie and withold information. It's quite clear a significant event that your implying didn't happen considering my baby was took by ss within a matter of hours after birth from me in the hospital so it's pretty impossible that I had a chance to abuse or harm my child in a controlled environment within 2 hours for a court order to be obtained and plans made for removal in that space of time, if that is what your trying to say. Also why would i openly state ss was involved 11 years ago if the adoption was my idea?

I also have all the relevant paperwork and meeting notes that can prove my baby will be coming home with me from the hospital documented in writing by ss so if your just here to derail my thread and attack me over inaccuracies then please continue if it makes you feel better.

good luck op

While Op's done a good job of standing up for herself 👏for those incapable of imagining beyond their own frames of reference:
Op already stated all any of us need to know to offer advice on what she asked.
16/17yr old when pregnant,in a relationship with DV, MH issues.. Probably no support network. Nothing more catastrophically serious needs to have happened for the decision made to be taken, with a very young woman probably entirely ill equipped to be able to know how to oppose it.

@LoneWolfOfThePack The only negative thing I would say to you, is you may need to raise your relationship material bar higher in future, but that can be said of so many of us!
You've had lots of good advice and I'm in agreement with many others that your sensible route is make no overtures to this man, make it harder for him to have any involvement that he hasn't had to get of his butt and fight hard for, do nothing to encourage him, definitely breastfeed, follow your social workers lead, and there's a very good chance there will never be any talk of co-parenting in any court. This is quite simply in your child's interests.
I know it's very un MN, but I agree with not seeking any contribution from him tbh. There's nothing worth having and he's less likely to push if he's getting away with no financial liability, and if he's never even offered it may actually help in the future should he decide to make an issue of himself.
You realized early the relationship was a mistake, now consolidate the unlikeliness of him being a good parent on any level, and do what you can to leave him behind.
I hope in amongst the difficulties you're facing you are also able to enjoy your pregnancy, cherish your baby, and that you and they go on to have a good stress free life.

Hi
I would advise you to follow the advice SS have given you. Do not willingly put his name on the birth certificate. Do not facilitate any contact at all. Children deserve relationships with both parents - ONLY when both parents are suitable! He clearly is not.

If social services were previously involved and a child adopted because you were in a DV relationship that will be because in the past you failed to prioritise your child over a relationship despite advice to do so. Therefore this time (and it sounds like you are) follow the advice - so don't put him on the birth certificate- but actually also make abundantly clear to them how you will be distancing. So block him on all methods of communication but tell SS you are doing that and give them your new details confidentiality. And if you can move but still have sufficient support, move.

You seem very intelligent.
You know what you think and should be assured of it. Don't second guess yourself
And don't put him on the birth cert