Comments from DH on appearance

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role.

Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on.

He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest.

Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift.

He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

What did you say after the weight comments ,make up comments and height comments, all of which were out of order? Did he help sort the dinner knowing you needed to get ready to go out or did he leave you to it then criticise your appearance?

Well he sounds like an absolute peach! Sorry OP, I think he is out of line and not being nice at all. If you have told him that he is hurting your feelings then he has absolutely zero justification for carrying on his comments, if you haven't told him and he thinks he's just being 'honest' like you would be then you need to set him straight asap.

I dealt with it straight away. Doesn't stop it happening though. Exhausted.

I'm sensitive though aren't I? It's the ultimate comeback. I can't say anything to you because you're sensitive.

Then I don't know what to suggest, he evidently doesn't care about your feelings and that he's chipping away at your self esteem. People who love us don't want to hurt us. He's disrespectful and rude.

Agree. I can't make him respect me. He doesn't want to get it. He will say he should be able to say his opinion and maybe that's where we're just different personality types. No right/wrong.

Just start asking him things like 'gosh have you bumped your face or was your nose always like that...?' 'Oooh did you notice all that nostril hair? Time for a trim' etc...

I'm so mature.

Is he one of these 'say it like it is' types? They tend not to care about hurting other people. I can only suggest either leaving or if that's not possible, disengaging so his comments don't matter. Stop asking his opinion for a start eg sandals.

And he's an Adonis who's impeccably turned out every day, is he?
I think the only crap choice you've made is the man you married tbh. I loathe people who put others down then make out it's their fault for being upset because they're 'too sensitive'.
He's a git.

I couldn't bare to have sex with someone who behaved so badly. He sounds misogynistic - the sort of fella who really believes women are there to do as he wants, and look a certain way (exactly to his liking).

Do you think he can improve? If not, do you think you'd be able to find a way to tolerate this awful behaviour?💐

It's like mind games.

He makes a comment about the shoes being high.

I say why is that a problem? Because I'm tall?

Yes.

Cue me bit put off and commenting that even if tall I can wear a bit of a chunk if I want.

I didn't say you couldn't wear them because you're tall.

Sorry?

I didn't. I said that the shoes are high. That's all I said you are reacting to nothing.

But is the problem they're high because of my height?

They're lovely darling you can wear them.

So confusing. He backtracks during the discussion and changes his account of his original comment when he realises he's been caught out making a dickhead comment. But the comment still hangs in the air. He obviously thinks that. Messes with my head.

Now apply this scenario to an everyday situation, most days. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like I'm walking on sand.

He sounds like a horrible git for several reasons but to moan about your shoes making you taller/your height in general.
How ridiculous and damn rude. Unless he married you when you were still growing (which I higjhly doubt) he’s a complete imbecile.
i feel sorry for you that he is this rude to you. Next time somone hits on you make sure he is well aware. I’d be sorely tempted to take them up on it if I were you.
Do not let this horrible man put you down again.

He's very nice when he wants sex. But yeah it's an intimacy I tolerate more than anything to keep him happy. I love him but like you said it's difficult connecting with someone who ultimately thinks they can push you into being a better version of yourself according to their standards (he actually does think he knows better than most).

I had an offer from an agent for a book I wrote in my 'free' time (zero support from him on that) He couldn't give less of a shit.

I have ADHD diagnosed recently. That hasn't altered his approach either. Hasn't read up on it either or been curious.

He's also great as well. This thread is really me airing that parts I don't get to IRL. Everyone thinks he's great (although sometimes my parents are on the fence). I think DD can see it as well. She hugs me sometimes after his comments.

How do I disengage from his comments & not take them to heart? If anyone has a 1,2.3 because I'm struggling to

This seems classic gaslighting...

He's making you doubt your perception as to what he said...

It's nasty and emotionally destabilising...

He sounds so mean. What the hell is wrong with him?
Dump him

OP you have to distance yourself from him in the sense that you no longer care what he says. You say he's great but I'm not convinced. Your daughter can see the effect his words have on you and she can see how hurt you are. I really don't like what you're saying about sex, that it's something you do to keep him happy.

In my opinion, he's happy when he's getting his own way and he gets a kick out of putting you down because he's a nasty little man.

I’d stop reacting- it’s like a game to him.

Him:,Those new shoes are high.
you: yes that’s what I love about them!

Him: no make up today?
you: yes my skin needs to breathe!

and so on and so on

Gosh he sounds horrible. Ultimately do you think he’ll make similar comments to your dd when she gets a bit older? Because that would be the deciding factor for me. We all tolerate different things but I had my father tell me I wouldn’t amount to anything when my mother divorced him (I was 12 and this didn’t come true) that I don’t tolerate any similar nonsense from any other man, including my husband when I got older.

Your book offer is an amazing achievement! Congratulations OP.

Sounds like he’s jealous and is looking for ways to take you down a peg or two.

It’ll be misogyny driving it, as is so often the case with inadequate men.

This is my worry. Because he knows best.

It's a defence mechanism on his part I think. And because it's emotionally destabilising he gets a reaction which basically backs up his perception & therefore nothing changes.

He just has really low social awareness or any desire to be more socially aware than he is.

This

I’d treat him the same way. I don’t care what it is - his clothes, weight, anything. I think this is the only thing that works with people like this. If you say how it makes you feel, you get accused of being sensitive. Do go y let it bother you. Just do it back. If he complains, tell him it won’t stop until he stops.

Thank you.

He knows. He has been told what those comments do to me. I have shared with him that if he took two seconds to think through what he says and to try to be kind he would change the dynamic of the marriage instantly. I don't mind constructive feedback. I'd want to know if I was leaving the house looking like a wally or my make up wasn't rubbed in. I care what he thinks because he's the one person on the planet (other than DD) whose opinion I do care about. I can't take that power away from him.