Comments from DH on appearance

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role.

Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on.

He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest.

Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift.

He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

Stop trying to please him - forget his wants. They don’t matter and he’s a shit for telling you these things op. He sounds like he is resentful and controlling.

I am not sure you should miss this golden opportunity for a clean split with the house sale. Have a look at rentals/flats/whatever you’d do on your own and see if you feel freeer.
in the meantime, every time he says something, you pause, let it hang. Then say, yes. and? <pause> if you are pushed to it you just say calmly I couldn’t tell if you were trying I say something.
those shoes are tall.
yes. And?
i just said they’re tall for chrisssake!!
i couldn’t tell if you were trying to say something else. Yes, they are tall.
Walk away.

oh, and wear the nice sandals!

I did actually think earlier that if I wanted a clean break now would be the time do it. The house is selling in a couple of weeks. We could get half of the proceeds each and go our separate ways. There'd be no big house & he wouldn't have access to discounted financial products through me.

Grab that opportunity with both hands. He's never going to get better, only worse. He is choosing over and over to make you feel crap. You are "tolerating" sex. No.

This is no future for you or your DD.

Anything but getting the hell away from him just prolongs the torture.

Would be a good time to live apart and maybe see if a relationship living separately will make him treat you nicely?
And if it doesn't, then it's easier to split because you've each got your own property
He sounds like he's deliberately horrible to you - what an awful way for you to live

You could try smiling brightly and saying "Thank you, darling!" And don't engage in any further discussion. I wouldn't let anyone see they were bothering me. Just close the comments down by strangling them at birth.

Okay - OP, I was in a very similar position to you. Similar age, similar length of time together and I also have ADHD.
You are not over sensitive. You are not making bad choices. This kind of behaviour will slowly chip away at your self-esteem and make you question your choices until you have no idea how you really are anymore.
You’ve talked to him numerous times. He won’t change. Don’t be fooled either - this isn’t about not being socially aware. This is intentional. He’s trying to keep you in your place. Even what seemed like a
compliment make me question it - like if I’d dressed up, he’d said ‘Oh, you look nice’ like he was surprised!
I ended my marriage a couple of years ago. Best thing I ever did. It took me some time to get my confidence back. I’ve also had to work on DD’s self-esteem. We have both blossomed away from him. I’m now in a lovely relationship with a guy who treats me well, he compliments me, he tells me I’m gorgeous, likes my outfits. It feels so very different. Took a long time to trust him. But even being single was so much better than being in such a horrible marriage.
Honestly, sounds like now is the ideal time to split. Do this for yourself and for your DD. He will do the same to her. You both deserve so much better.

Next time you see him naked let out a big sigh and say you wish he had a bigger penis...

I'm imagining he's no Brad Pitt. What a twat.

He sounds gaslighting and narcissistic.

Check out covert narcissism and see if that rings any bells.

What are his good points? Is he nicer when other people are around?

Agree with the house sale that now could be a good opportunity to separate.

And is there any chance he could be having an affair? Because that's when my ex ramped up his shitty (and critical) behaviour - I didn't see it coming but a few of my friends did.

I don’t think you need a comeback or a strategy. You’ve asked him to stop and he won’t so you need to decide if you want to carry on like this or not.

Very good.
In my case, off he'd fuck (or myself), however,
I'm 45 and no kids so it would be relatively easy.
Plonker.

Loving someone doesn't mean that you make yourself small for him.

There is a difference to compromise in marriage, and making someone feel like shit to make yourself superior.

I don't think you should learn to block it out, and clearly he isn't going to change.

I'm struggling to understand what you love about him OP.

You're way too sucessful for his liking @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze , you've been promoted, you have a book offer, so to keep you in your place he picks, and picks, at you. I notice it's always about your looks, he wants you to think he's the best you can get, he's deliberately wearing you down.
He won't change Op, in his mind he's doing nothing wrong

I think it’s about time you started being really honest with him (he doesn’t sound sensitive at all so it shouldn’t be a problem)

Don't let him push you into a corner- take up your space and own it
he sounds spiteful and jealous

So you work in banking, have been promoted, have got an agent for a book, are tall and gorgeous, adhd which probably makes you fun to be with.

and he went on rock climbing holiday - not one with you ?

to echo a pp - Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

and go see a solicitor to find out what would happen if you spilt. you have a chance now that is perfect.

maybe the shock of that will get your DH to stop being an unpleasant dick to you.

and the sex thing isn’t good. Sounds too much like you do it for him, what happens if you don’t? Sulking?

Leave!! He's awful, abusive. Just get out.

And do you have access to that account?

Tell him to fuck off with the comments; if he gets offended, that's tough- he says what he wants, so do you 😏

Whether or not you were 'sensitive' (you aren't) - anyone would have to be an absolute blockhead to keep saying things that you know hurts their feelings.

Then that's your answer, every time. 'Don't be so rude' and walk away, don't give him an opportunity to justify his remarks or debate them. You are not interested in why.

Sorry you have to deal with this op.
My exh always had something to say about my appearance. I was size 6 when i met him in my 20s, and he told me i had cellulite. Then as time went on i gained weight (never, ever overweight) he told me i need to exercise 3 times a week, and that i could be the hottest mum out there, but i've let myself go.
Eventually I let him go! And now i do exercise 3+ times a week. Not to look hot for anyone, but because i like it! Never again! If i let another man walk into my life one day, the connection needs to be based on emotional connection and kindness. Not looks.

Kindness - so important.

Yes I would because I would demand the profit on the interest go towards joint expenditure.

It was only when we applied for new mortgage he disclosed a salary increase. We pay proportionate but that needs to be recalculated if either of our salaries change.

He will do the right thing but I have to pull him up on it first.