Comments from DH on appearance

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role.

Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on.

He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest.

Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift.

He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

Does he practice DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. It's common with emotional abusers which he is. Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

Oh I know. He had a tough person to deal with at work who was sending difficult emails. I am in meetings and deal with all sorts of people all day so I supported him handling it as he has much fewer meetings and when they do they are focused on topics he enjoys.

Helped him with that then I get shitty comments at the carpet shop and then the make up comment. I think he is finding work tough because he's having to deal with people more than usual and do admin he doesn't normally do like organise an event & is taking it out on me. I said to him earlier, I'm not the one who gave you those tasks at work, don't hate on me!!

I went back and read some parts I missed. If its the perfect time to split because of an easily split pot of assets then go for it. You didn't state how old you were or how long you've been married but you know when its enough.

100% it's always reversed on me.

Take the carpet shop example when I was hesitant to take out credit and he was mysteriously asking about it and getting annoyed when I was stressed. He had this plan he didn't share that we would take out 0% credit & pay it off instead of paying upfront with proceeds of house sale to put that money in an account to earn interest.

Not once did he say this when I was stressed/concerned about taking out a credit agreement.

His response: "You work at a bank, you should have figured it out"

The wrong side of 40 and 12 years.

Op, he needs a very firm talking to and some consequences. Tell him very clearly that there will be no more comments about your weight, clothes or makeup- none. If there are, the only explanations are that he’s either thick as the proverbial as he can’t understand a simple instruction, or he’s being deliberately nasty. Neither is attractive.

I do not do favours for someone who speaks to me like this. I would have no hesitation in reminding him of this.

You sound like you’re doings lots - good job, book deal, help him out whenever he needs it - what exactly is he bringing to the table? If he’s a really great dad that might be something but you haven’t said that he is. He certainly doesn’t sound like a great or even good husband.

Problem is I'm already self-conscious with adhd/auditory processing issues and rejection sensitivity. Basically I come across as a bit of a slow, emotional idiot. I don't word things normally all the time especially when stressed because I find words hard to grasp and get out there sometimes. My verbal skills are a lot better when I'm not stressed. I'm an easy target.

I would wear those sandals or high heels every day for the next month just to annoy him.

He’s super rude. Imagine him making bitchy comments like that to your daughter - gruesome.

He is a good father but I worry about him raising a teenage daughter.

But are you an ‘easy target’ because he has made you feel this way gradually over the years?

That's not really DARVO. It's:

How do my new sandals look?

They make you look tall and ugly.

No need to be so rude.

You're always complaining, I can't say anything. All you do is nag. I can't put a foot right. All I get in this house is grief, I'm off to the pub.

Can you really see yourself putting up with the same treatment for another 40 years of your life?

They do get harder after the age of 12 and definitely more sensitive. It would be awful for a teen girl to hear she needs to wear more/less make up and weight comments should be totally out of bounds. Could he do that?

I actually haven’t had to speak to my DH like this, as the only time he was unpleasant (not comments about appearance like this, but was stressed over something and was verging on the shouty), he did it in front of his parents, and FIL bollocked him. If he hadn’t, I would have - and he knew I would. So mine learned in his 20s not to behave badly. You’re going to have to assert yourself now as yours hasn’t learned.

I think it is gaslighting to a) change an account [example in another post of shoes] to "I never said what you think I said" and b) in this scenario I pulled him up on not properly explaining his plans and being rude to me in the shop, and him defending his stance with "you should have known"

oh op. You shouldn’t need to be working hard to disengage from mean comments — that is not how a loving relationship functions. There should not be any mean comments to begin with.

This is the marriage I want.

My father is like this, he comments on my mums weight, tells her she should still weigh 9stone like when they met, comments on her clothes, just generally criticism. And best believe he comments on me too, a favorite of mine was at Christmas he told me good job my husband likes rugby because I've gained weight and now look like a rugby player so much so he could hide behind me (I'm a size 12-14)

You need to nip this in the bud now before he starts on your daughter too.

Does this specimen ejaculate diamonds? Because I can’t think of any other reason to overlook his vileness and keep him around. Even then, it’d be a stretch.

Your love for the absolute bell end seems quite misplaced.

That's awful.

Gaslighting is where the abuser tries to make out you're mad.

I think you're making all kinds of excuses for him, listen to what people have written here. You have a young daughter to protect and the perfect timing to go your seperate ways instead of entangling your funds up again in another house. Also, there's no 'wrong' side of 40. 40 is young, do you want to be stuck with this dickhead the 'wrong' side of 50, or 60? He's jealous and doesn't respect you - get rid.

am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

No. He was the one crap choice 12(?) years ago.

And you are still choosing him.

It isn’t just him, and it isn’t just your marriage. You aren’t going to resolve this in just one thread on MumsNet.

You are talking about your whole life here. You are half way through it. Do you want to spend the rest of it listening to those sort of comments from him and questioning yourself?

You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. So you either have to choose to decide to live with him and accept his behaviour or choose to decide to live without him and find happiness.

Other people are right, if you are selling a house, it could be the perfect time to split up but equally, take the time that you need to decide this for yourself. Whether that is the time it takes to read this post or weeks or months. Try not to take years. You don’t deserve to be living unhappily with him for years.