To ask DH to not walk round the house with headphones in...

[wefly]

Always. He has talk sport in his ear or a podcast. Meaning that when I try to talk to him, he cant hear me. Or I have to wait whilst he pauses it and removes his head phones...

often what I was saying was just a passing comment or "chat" which then makes me feel awkward like I've disturbed him.

I've asked him numerous times and he says it's no different to me looking at my phone...

I think it's completely different but I can't quite put into words how or why.

We also have young children and I feel this is an unhealthy habit for them to see.

Can you help me make sense of this ...

He has found away to ignore his children and you.
You are the parent who is ON for your children.
Do you walk around the house looking at your phone unable to hear anything?
No?
Then his comparison is bullshit.
Awful for your children to be ignored.
He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, it is 100% deliberate.
You have a real problem and should take it very seriously.
I certainly would.

I'm a bit torn on this. My kids are older but when I'm cleaning or crocheting I always have a podcast on and if there is someone else in the house, or I want to do this in the garden , I put headphones in. I love murder and crime podcasts and I think its a bit antisocial to listen to them in the garden or earshot of others as the content can be not very nice.

I do kind of get what your oh is saying...its his way of relaxing and downtime. So I dont think its right to wear headphones if the kids are playing around the livingroom but if they are in their bedrooms and you're messing on your phone, I don't see an issue. He's choosing to do what relaxes him, just like you are. Unless you are happy for him to have what he wants to listen to without him using headphones?

I think basically the problem is if he is genuinely doing this all the time, why does he get to have constant down time and you don’t OP? For me, the headphones is a desperate choice because I don’t get any actual quality quiet time. Can you both make sure you each get better quality chill time, so the headphones and scrolling can reduce? (In our family, the answer to that is no at the moment, - can’t take hours out of the day to chill when 3 kids need us - hence the headphones)

I grew up in a household with sports, politics and news played out loud. Louder as the years went on and df got deafer. And interrupting was deeply discouraged, because it was live broadcast with no playback. I think there’s a lot to be said for AirPods and headphones.

I have adhd and use podcasts and music to push through the drudgery - sometimes I need to play podcasts at double speed to keep my brain busy enough. Other times I’m using them to create a sensory buffer like when I use them in the supermarket to block out musak, beeping, alarms, chatter, high pitched children squeals, crying, etc. it’s the difference between being exhausted by the errand and still functional.

But there’s also a time and a place. Do you think a respectful discussion about it is possible? Phones are also intrusive and it’s worth exploring that too. The fact that we’re using all this tech that are super stimuli is a serious challenge to human relationship and connection - it’s getting harder and harder to just be with each other, in quiet companionship without reaching for that high strength input of a quick scroll/game/newsfeed.

You describe our house.

DH does this. Kids are adults so I can't say anything. I hate it but I would hate listening to his podcasts even more.

Small house so it's his way of getting space . I have started doing it too on the basis that if you can't beat them, you have to join them. Definitely a good way of getting through household drudgery. Got them on right now while emptying the dishwasher.

@wefly

its in no way the same thing!

what he's doing is rude & anti social. Ask him if he wants to be single? Because he's disengaging from you & the kids. If he's hoovering/washing the car/ whatever - fine. But coming home together from a night out & making dessert together etc it's just bloody rude & totally unacceptable

No..no.no. I wouldn't accept this. He is ignoring you. Coming in and putting earphones in when you are sitting together is the definition of rude.

He doesn’t want to communicate with you, he’s blocking you out.

I agree with him it is the same as you looking at your phone. You’re disengaging from him by looking at your screen, I’m not sure how you think it’s better than his headphones.

I think it's always going to be tricky when anyone does anything that shuts out the world when they are around people who might not unreasonably want to speak to them. It doesn't matter if it's headphones, the radio, a screen, a book or other print media.

Would your DH be willing to agree to set do not disturb times to listen on headphones rather than doing it all the time assuming you'll be the default parent? That would be more reasonable.

This is just what I was going to suggest.
The sad thing now, is that phones, ipads etc all have the means to disconnect people from the real world. DH and I are constantly moaned at by our ACs for not checking our phones - why should we? Our lives are not dependent on carrying a little electronic device 24/7!
We see our GCs literally switch off from conversation and then usually fall asleep still plugged into whatever they are using. It is rude and off putting to see people disengage wherever they are - but humorous and sometimes dangerous when you see people so engrossed that they walk into lampposts or step out into the road because they are so disengaged.😆
DH and I are not dinosaurs, we both use PCs, laptops, kindles and mobile phones and only use headphones when it will interfere with the other persons enjoyment of the TV/Stereo/Radio if in the same room. It is possible to live with media in our lives but real interaction is so much more rewarding.

It’s this isn’t it?

as far as he’s concerned you are default parent and it’s your job to be aware of and respond to the children while he relaxes in man world free from concerning himself with them

If your DH was working from home and moved away from a desk for a call, I think that would be reasonable. Not to listen to the home of sporting misogyny, Talk Sport, or to avoid discussions/contact with you or your DC.

I think headphones are a real problem to be honest. Anyone constantly shutting themselves off from the world cannot be healthy and I think will lead to a lot of social anxieties for young people further down the line.
This is pretty obvious too about phones.
Both you and your DH need to be emotionally available for your DC and each other, otherwise this is going to massively impact on their development and relationships with you and others.
Have an agreement to both come off your distractions…..look and listen to each other.

Slightly different as we don’t have young children but I have a tendency to do this and my husband finds it annoying. I like to listen to an audiobook while doing housework but then my husband walks in and wants to chat so I stop- fine. So I just stop listening and chat. What is really annoying though is when I’m listening to something and he just randomly interrupts me to say something like “bird in the garden” or “ho hum” meaning I can’t listen to my book but also neither of us is benefiting from me not listening to it.

So I have taken to announcing what I’m doing eg I am going to half an hour's ironing while listening to my book. And sticking to that and discouraging pointless interruptions. Then taking the AirPods out.

Would your husband be open to something like that? Listening properly for limited periods rather than just having it burbling away all day long?.

Damn. I am probably guilty of burbling " There's a cat passing by." I am very chatty.

I think a lot of people commenting have missed the fact that OP's DH always has his headphones in. Wearing them while you do the cooking/housework)gardening is not the same thing.

OP, my stbxh did this too. It made me feel like he had no interest in me or our relationship. I had to say everything 3 times, as the first time he didn't hear me at all, the second time he heard something and the third time he'd take the headphones off and listen, but by the time we'd gone through that little ritual again, I'd be annoyed, and in the end it just reduced our conversation to practically zero. I felt lonely within our relationship, and after trying to explain to him multiple times how I felt and him not changing, it contributed to my decision to leave him. It was a sign that our relationship had run it's course imo.

So I have no advice really. If you've told him how it makes you feel and he hasn't taken that on board and changed his habit then you are left to interpret that as you may.

I'm the headphone wearer in our household, not sure if the loud American political videos that DH watches sans headphones are any less annoying though. I tend use my earbuds maybe 3 times a week to listen to fairly quiet youtube videos with 1 earbud in although DH still gets annoyed that I'm supposedly not listening to him.

I think you need to agree on a time period when neither of you use phones or headphones, say two hours every weeknight and 5 hrs at the weekend.

It was exactly the same for my H. No point asking him anything as by the time he's paused it, and taken the headphones off I might as well have got the drink, the snack, found the toy etc.

I think people talking about wearing headphones sometimes are suggesting it as a compromise- rather than asking him never to do it, he could do it for limited periods and that might work for everyone.

Slightly different as we don’t have young children but I have a tendency to do this and my husband finds it annoying. I like to listen to an audiobook while doing housework but then my husband walks in and wants to chat so I stop- fine. So I just stop listening and chat. What is really annoying though is when I’m listening to something and he just randomly interrupts me to say something like “bird in the garden” or “ho hum” meaning I can’t listen to my book but also neither of us is benefiting from me not listening to it.

This is VERY familiar @mirrorlife. I use my headphones to get me through the boring stuff. But DP has a tendency to say stuff out loud that I'm inclined to keep in my head, so I'm constantly pausing my audio book and saying 'Sorry, didn't hear that ...' and it turns out to be 'I wonder if I have any fuse wire'/'This bin is full' and other assorted mutterings. I'm fine with removing my headphones though, if there is something we need to discuss or just to have a general conversation.

Spare a thought for me OP. DP listens to Talk Sport and to football matches without headphones, so we are all subjected to that unique tinny, shouty timbre. It's like having your skull drilled. I think I'm quite considerate wearing headphones😅

I think that if you want him to give up his headphones then you need to give up your phone.

I think phone addicts don't realise how much their phone use affects others around them (I am one btw).

Agree to it for a month.

I love listening to audiobooks on my headphones when I am doing drudge jobs. It lifts doing the ironing, tidying up, cooking.
I feel really guilty at taking them in and out when my husband talks to me but he insists he doesn't mind and that he is pleased I have found a way of making jobs enjoyable.
It does come across on MN that men are not allowed to do anything but if a woman does it, it is ok.

There's evidence that this sort of mundane communication is part of the glue that keeps a relationship together. Although I agree it can be annoying!