To ask DH to not walk round the house with headphones in...

[wefly]

Always. He has talk sport in his ear or a podcast. Meaning that when I try to talk to him, he cant hear me. Or I have to wait whilst he pauses it and removes his head phones...

often what I was saying was just a passing comment or "chat" which then makes me feel awkward like I've disturbed him.

I've asked him numerous times and he says it's no different to me looking at my phone...

I think it's completely different but I can't quite put into words how or why.

We also have young children and I feel this is an unhealthy habit for them to see.

Can you help me make sense of this ...

What happens when you are sitting on sofa. If he's got headphones on? Is TV on? Are you just looking at phone?

I was on the fence as I love to have a podcast on whilst I cook especially because the noise cancelling reduced the cooker hood sound - but putting them both back in after dinner out. Sounds like escape for him. What exactly is he listening to?

Not to victim blame but wondering perhaps do you talk a lot and he finds it too much?

He also wears the bone conduction headphones, so it doesn't block out all sounds and he can hear us, but it's the way he has to stop it on his phone and I have to start over, that makes me feel a bit unloved.

We also have a SEN child with language delays, and I don't think it's good for him either.

I'd love to know what a good solution is. Maybe I should ask DH to tell me every time he's listening to something so I know not to bother him.

What about bone conductor headphones. Runners/ sports people use them so they can hear the music/ info as well as surrounding noise for safety.

If he had some of those he could both listen to his stuff, and hear if you started a conversation/ be less cut off.

It would drive me crazy too, and when I listen to an audiobook on headphones my kids hate it as it totally disconnects me from them

So the consensus appears to be it's ok for women but not for men.

I get this entirely. It's not the listening to podcasts whilst working ir doing a task it's having them in all the time, it's so irritating not being able to make a single comment without having to signal and wait a beat for it to be turned off.

Whilst on your phone you can hear the start of a comment and instantly switch your attention without asking him to repeat.

But with small dc it's not on anyway, you need to be able to hear them and interact.

Can you agree to take turns listening to podcasts and he'll realise how irritating it is?

I listen to talking books when I'm walking the dog and feel rude when I realise I'm missing the greetings from other walkers.

It’s a tricky one. I have executive function issues and really struggle with basic housework. The only way I can manage it is to listen to something, it’s been a brilliantly easy fix for me. However I wear big over ear headphones so people know I am listening to something, and also only do it when I’m doing housework, and I explain to my kids that I’m going to take some time to focus on a job then will be taking the headphones off. I don’t think it would be ok if I wore them all the time. I also make sure I only have them over one ear if my kids are about. I’m female by the way. Also I look forward to listening to podcasts about topics I wouldn’t want my kids listening to, and my eldest struggles with sleep so I get such little time to myself it’s a bit of me time in the middle of the day. If I sit on the sofa to read or watch tv my four year old climbs all over me so it’s kind of a survival mechanism at the moment!

I know quite a people who have a podcast or something all day long and it's not an issue. I often have an audiobook or a podcast playing on mine, if I'm home alone I'll play it on the speaker but if not, I'll play one on my headphones while I'm pottering about or whatever and dd 19 has hers on all day.

He must be playing it really loud and in both ears if he can't hear you talking to him, does that mean he also can't hear children? I can hear dh and dd perfectly fine, I'm also able to hold a convo perfectly fine in the same I could do if the radio were playing on a speaker, dd only uses one AirPod at a time too, the people I know who use them a lot do the same.

Being able to hear, talk and engage with my family is what I give priority of my attention to, I make sure I can easily do that by keeping volume low and only have one earphone on, if I'm using headphones I keep one ear uncovered. If your husband isn't doing that it sounds like maybe your he is expecting it to be the other way and his talk sport is what he wants all his attention on, with you and the kids being the less important sounds to hear and engage with.

So I actually think you aren't unreasonable, he's actively trying to put all his attention on the talk sport and block his family out, it's different to you on your phone because you are not doing that and even when you are on it, you're not blocking your family household members.

Oh dear lord id far rather have to prod my partner when he’s got his headphones on than listen to American politics / farage / whatever podcast he’s got going on at any given moment.
I just shove my nose in a book or mumsnet.
id love to chat about stuff that’s going on in the uk, but it’s never going to happen and frankly I’m not that interested

When you are looking at your phone, if he says something to you, do you respond immediately or does he have to repeat it?

I listen to stuff almost constantly, but with only one earbud in so I can respond to other people as normal.

You're both just going round in circles.

Nothing wrong with your DH spending time listening to his sports or you having a scroll through your phone, its when one thinks one's acceptable but the other isn't.

Either you both stop with the head phones/looking at the phone or you both stay attached to them.

While one/the other/or both are listening/looking/scrolling neither is fulling engaging with anyone.

My dh does this. I don't mind if l am otherwise engaged, reading or scrolling . But sometimes..say after dinner..l think we are chatting then l realise he has turned it on and l hate it. It's rude and ruins everything as the spontaneity is gone. When he says: hold on..so he can press pause it drives me crazy as l am not happy just to say my bit and then back it goes on again. We are either here together or we're not.
Also he misses conversations and then says..what's that about when it comes up later and l want to say..plug out and you will know what's going on.
My adult kids hate it too. Though they are a different generation they never have earphones in company..only dh!!
You have my sympathy!

I love to listen to audiobooks to clean or household chores or whole cooking. My kids are teens. Dh has a whole cob on about me wearing earphones while walking qorund the house doing the washing or cleaning. I tell him tough. I struggle with chores and helps time pass. If my kids were little I wouldn't have them in

I get like that when reading too, I wouldn't be trying to get immersed in a book at certain times though, dh gets immersed in a game on his phone in the same way as I get immersed in a book. He knows this about himself so he doesn't play the games he knows he gets fully immersed in situations where many would say is bad manners to be on phone. I do the same with books. I dont choose to pick up a book and fully immerse myself while eating with dh like the scenario OP gave,I think thats the difference.

This! Women are meant to deal with kids asking for things I guess. The men get to listen to their podcast in peace.

I'm the headphones person in our house. If everyone wants food prepared, toilets cleaned and washing hung out, they need to be prepared to accept that it will only get done by me if I have something to listen to😆

I had this too.
YANBU. It’s like a physical barrier to communication plus they are designed to block out some external noise.

a phone when reading it is like a book, readily interrupted.

I find it really rude. And sending a message that you want your own space (fine) but all the time (not fine).

Could you agree some times when you'll both stop?

When I am using my phone I can hear and respond to things happening around me. If you talk to me or make a comment on something I will respond with your headphones on you can't do this I spend the day effectively alone and isolated only able to communicate if I touch you or stand in front of you. You make no effort to engage me in any conversation unless it's something practical like food. I'm left feeling alone.

Yes I have a 2 year old. Why?

Why don't you both give up your phone and the headphones or have set times when you don't use them to connect

Is there any room for compromise? I wear one earphone so I can listen to podcasts whilst doing stuff around the house but I can still hear and engage with others at the same time. Most of the time they don't even know I am wearing it as it is hidden under my hair.

🤣 I get this. I genuinely don't hear people if I'm reading a book

Would you complain if he had talksport on loud though?

I do this a lot (few times a week) but will say to DH ‘I’m going to X task (usually cleaning kitchen!) and listen to a podcast because I need to be alone’ - how sad is that! - and it is annoying when people then come in and make inane comments to me when they know I am trying to zone out.

If the kids are trying to talk to me I absolutely whip the headphones off as agree it’s not ideal but really DH should have (and does usually) intercept them before they get to me.

And then I remind myself that my both parents often ignored me while they were reading the newspaper for example, which wasn’t scarring and at least my kids have a whole other parent literally on duty while I’m zoning out.

To be fair to DH he is taking them all out this morning so I can be alone and have some peace and get some work done, but other than that I haven’t been by myself for at least a month.