Granny telling my son to keep secrets

[pizofaz]

We asked at the beginning of the year for the grandparents to not buy so many toys. This caused a massive row.

Now, granny will buy toys but tell my son 'shhh don't tell mummy and daddy'

I know this because my son literally can keep anything a secret, and tells me 'mum granny has bought me a big Lego toy but you have to pretend you don't know shhh' he just thinks it's a silly jokey thing. Which is obviously a good thing.

I say to him 'oh that's exciting etc' and I also say things like 'we don't need any secrets between us do we, I'm your mummy you can tell me anything you want to'

How else should I be dealing with this?

Frankly it pisses me off. I don't think she should be teaching him to keep secrets at all. She's also completely disregarding what we asked at the beginning of the year. I also find it fairly disrespectful to me.

Any thoughts or advice please?

Are the toys to keep at her house? If so, I think that's lovely and don't understand what your objection is.

You need to speak to her and explain that abusers ask kids to keep secrets and the message needs to be unanimous that he must never believe anyone if they tell him not to tell his parents something and that no one will ever be so cross about anything that he feels he mustn't tell you.

The toys thing, just let it slide. If she keeps them at their house what's the harm? Very much less important than the secrets thing.

Ha ha, this is what grandparents do!

Usually with sweets if the child isn't allowed them.

Did you not have a granny that acted like a drug dealer when trying to slip you a sneaky fiver?

Some and some.

It was a ridiculous amount and he was starting to expect new things every time we saw them. I don't want him to be spoiled hence my polite objection.

Bringing them to your house - ask her to take them back as you don’t have room.
Keeping them at hers? Perhaps be less controlling then she wouldn’t have to ask him to keep secrets when she wants to be a granny and buy her GS toys.

Just want to comment to offer my support unfortunately I have no advice. That's not ok

Feel a bit sorry for granny in this scenario tbh. She must love buying toys and seeing his face light up. She must really want granny's house to be an exciting place to visit. Surely you can't tell her what to buy for her own home? Kids are really good at learning that different houses have different rules, it won't spoil him or damage him in any way imo.

Tell her that telling kids to keep secrets opens them up to abuse

chill
its granny and toys!

Pil? I’d be having serious words re telling my child to keep secrets, that’s absolutely not on. It’s difficult to stop them buying stuff, as long as it doesn’t come home, then fine, although I see your point re the expectation every time he sees them.

Is it really that big of a deal if his grandparents spoil him? That's what grandparents do. It's not going to scar him for life.

She already thinks op is a nutter for telling her what she can buy for her own home. This will make it worse. Granny asking a grandchild 'not to tell mummy' when they give them ice cream for breakfast or let them stay up past their bedtime won't make them susceptible to abuse. It's a bit of fun that builds their relationship. No one except mn frets about this stuff.

It's not acceptable for anyone to tell a child to have secrets from their parents. A child can be very vulnerable to predators if a family member is telling them it's ok to have secrets from Mummy. Tell your MIL that she is to respect your wishes or she doesn't get to see him. Being his granny does not make it ok to ignore what you say.

I would aay to granny that you appreciate how much she loves your son and it must have been hard to dial back the presents. That keeping them at her house is fine, however please don't ask your son to keep secrets - the current teaching to keep kids safe involves telling them how bad people sometimes ask them to keep secrets and that they must always tell a parent/teacher if this happens. You wouldn't want him to think that granny was doing anything bad, so please just be open about any gifts that she can't resist.

I think the two issues are separate. The keeping secrets is the more important - and with that in mind I think that, if it was my mum, I would probably decide to leave the other issue alone entirely, in the hope of getting her to cooperate. I would pretend that this is NOTHING to do with recent events and ALL about safeguarding. Say we are adopting the position: because it's very hard for kids to tell good adults from baddies, we are going to tell them that goodies will never ever ever ask them to keep secrets from mum and dad - and so, from now on, we have to make this true.
I wouldn't require her to explain or defend what she's done for fear it will stop her agreeing with the above plan.

She will quickly realise how much she has spoilt him when he starts asking what she's got him before greeting her when you visit... let her learn that herself and then you can say " told you so "

The secret keeping is a safeguarding issue so you need to have a conversation about how inappropriate that is and why.

It's a shame she's so disrespectful to you but just make sure most of the toys stay at hers.

MN thinks that grandparents get a free pass to absolutely disregard parents' wishes. The same things that really wouldn't wash with an ex-H for example or tbh any other adult in the child's life.

Secrets are not OK, as are squarely disregarding parents' requests. Nobody wants a spoilt brat as a child but the grandparents who can't say no really can't grasp this. Perhaps they were too harsh and authoritarian the first time round and are trying to make up for it?

I see this behaviour as a sign of an emotionally repressed generation who use food/treats and material possessions to express love and overdo it with these blunt tools being the only ones they have at their disposal. Plus they just want all the fun and none of the boring discipline stuff.

I think your point about him asking her for stuff is a good one. Maybe that'll put her off naturally

I think that this is the right way to deal with it OP.

As for the poster who says that it's OK for a grandparent and child to have their secrets, sorry but you are SO wrong for saying that! Have you never heard of children being sexually abused by Grandfathers, not to mention other family members? Believe me, it happens, and more often than we'd like to think, but of course, it's just Grandad's little secret!!

Agree with this but my god, what a waste of money too, no child needs a gift from granny every time.

She will eventually find it rude and snap, but it will be of her own doing.

MN thinks that grandparents get a free pass to absolutely disregard parents' wishes

You have to be joking @Biffbaff . It's the absolute opposite, if anything.

I agree with this totally.

Yes grandparents are supposed to provide as much childcare as the parents want, even giving up their own jobs to do so. And while caring for the child, follow the many many rules laid down by the parents.

It's nice that she wants to buy stuff for him to play with at her house. Whether that's ok or not depends on how often it is, at least that's how it would be for me. I presume that she is looking after him for you, otherwise there wouldn't be an opportunity for them to have secrets like this... If that's the case then maybe it's easier for her if he has lots to do there. Or maybe she just gets excited about seeing him excited.

Grandparents spoil children, but they generally don't end up spoilt. My children's grandmothers often had new stuff for them when we visited. They've grown up pretty ok. Some things they did annoyed me, I'm sure, but childhood is short and it's nice that he has a grandma who cares for him.