Granny telling my son to keep secrets

[pizofaz]

We asked at the beginning of the year for the grandparents to not buy so many toys. This caused a massive row.

Now, granny will buy toys but tell my son 'shhh don't tell mummy and daddy'

I know this because my son literally can keep anything a secret, and tells me 'mum granny has bought me a big Lego toy but you have to pretend you don't know shhh' he just thinks it's a silly jokey thing. Which is obviously a good thing.

I say to him 'oh that's exciting etc' and I also say things like 'we don't need any secrets between us do we, I'm your mummy you can tell me anything you want to'

How else should I be dealing with this?

Frankly it pisses me off. I don't think she should be teaching him to keep secrets at all. She's also completely disregarding what we asked at the beginning of the year. I also find it fairly disrespectful to me.

Any thoughts or advice please?

Exactly.

People love to hate on the 'not keeping secrets' advice. I can't fathom it. Even if you aren't coming at it from a safeguarding perspective, 'keeping secrets' is a way of bonding by excluding another person which isn't an ideal example to set.

My Mum is a PITA for buying toys or giving sweets I don't want my kids to have. But she doesn't tell them to keep it a secret, she deals with the fall out like an adult!

@Levelinguperased it’s the telling them to keep it a secret which is the worrying bit. And it is more than likely granny doesn’t mean it in that way but it is important that she knows the reason why it is wrong.

As an aside, I do like to buy toys for my DGDs to play with, outside of birthdays and Christmas. But they're called 'Grandma's toys' and they stay at my house. I never say "I've bought you..." I say "I've got a new toy for Grandma's playroom" (The playroom is the dining room that I don't use, that just happens to have their toys in it!)

That way I can indulge them a bit (and keep them happily occupied when I do occasional childcare) without them thinking I'm primarily a gift giver, or them being spoiled.

don't be ridiculous.

Have you ever done safeguarding training and do you know much about how abusers operate? I'll give you the short version, and it's nothing to do with granny buying toys being child abuse (as you'll note in my post you quoted, I said the toys are a separate issue and OP should let that slide).

Abusers are often in a position of trust, a child that has been taught that it is fine to believe someone in a position of trust when they say 'oh don't tell mummy and daddy about this' are more likely to do as they are told by an abuser. While granny saying 'heehee don't tell mummy about this toy' is a nice secret, it's reinforcing the message that sometimes grown ups will ask them to keep a secret and that they should do it.
Kids like things to be straight forward, it's much safer to remove the need for them to analyse the situation, so they don't have to think 'oh I banged my head on this toy but it's a secret toy so I shouldn't tell mummy' or 'I had a nice time playing with this toy but it's a secret so I can't tell daddy about it' or 'this person is making me feel uncomfortable but I shouldn't tell mummy because they said it's a secret'

EVERYONE they trust should be telling them that they can ALWAYS tell their trusted adults about ANYTHING they want, and that no matter what anyone tells them, their trusted adults will NEVER be so cross with them that they should keep ANYTHING they want to tell secret.

its really not difficult is it

@newtlover "don't be ageist"

I'm not being ageist. I'm just saying that there are things that don't come across your radar unless you are actively involved in whatever it is. I came across the secrets/surprises thing when I did a safeguarding course when my children were teenagers. I wasn't aware of it when they were little. And I think it has to be explained to this woman gently and tactfully because it would be very easy for her to feel she has done something wrong, rather than just being unaware.

Absolutely agree with this

I think all grandparents spoil thier grandchildren don't they? My parents ruined my children, took them on holiday, bought them loads of crap but l didn't care as long as it stayed at thier house, l did roll my eyes when they started giving them an afternoon cup of tea at the age of 3..but l just let them get on with it, my kids had lovely time with thier grandparents. The keeping secrets thing is odd though, maybe just tell granny we don't do secrets in our house.

I agree with encouraging her not to say things like "don't tell mummy" and I definitely would have a chat. I would frame it along the lines that "it's not too much of an issue now, but when he is older and using the internet, it is really important that everyone in the family reinforces the message that children should never keep secrets from their parents". So you are not so much aiming your complaint at her, and you have given her a fairly solid, unarguable reason for not doing it.

With regards to the presents, what happens in nanny's house stays in nanny's house.

I’d tell her he told you about the secret but say that she’ll understand that you’re trying to teach him to never have secrets from mammy and daddy and you don’t mind a few toys but just to calm down on them that you want him to want to see her because she’s fab, not because of the toys😉

It’s never ok to tell children to keep secrets.

Explain that, and why, to granny. In exchange I’d ease up on what she buys, as long as it stays at her house.

From a child’s point of view, my grandad used to spoil me rotten when I stayed with my grandad and grandma whilst my mum was at work.

My grandad always took me to a newsagents where he would tell me we only have so much to spend on sweets, and I would go over that amount every time and his parting words to me were a chuckle and then don’t tell your mum! Nothing about that in my adult life looking back damaged me in anyway I look back at it fondly

Yes. That was because it was a harmless secret. But it could also have made you more likely to also keep a secret from your parents about someone else who was doing something that wasn't harmless. You were lucky.

This is like the people who jump on threads saying 'oh well we didn't follow todays safe sleeping guidance in the 70s and all my babies survived, it's a load of rubbish!' Not all babies survived that and not all kids who are trained to keep secrets by people they trust are ok.

It’s not for grandparents to teach children to keep secrets from their parents or to have a grabby mindset.

My mum still tries to spoil my DC by buying toys and games and clothes and whatever she wants — it affects her badly, reduces her concentration span, teaches her to want more and more, and means I have to unpick the grabbiness when she’s with me and find space for all the new plastic/low quality crap.

I deliberately avoid buying my DC loads of “stuff” and I seriously object to being undermined on that front, despite numerous discussions and attempts to curb it.

So the mum should capitulate because granny is devious?

No. That isn't how it works.

I’m not a gp myself but women my age could be. Also my mum in her 80s is a gp. So that’s a sweep of 35 years or so- which section Is the emotionally repressed generation? And how did they all become the same- does it happen as your offspring give birth- you join an amorphous grey cloud that acts as one?

I don't agree with you, but to each their own