Granny telling my son to keep secrets

[pizofaz]

We asked at the beginning of the year for the grandparents to not buy so many toys. This caused a massive row.

Now, granny will buy toys but tell my son 'shhh don't tell mummy and daddy'

I know this because my son literally can keep anything a secret, and tells me 'mum granny has bought me a big Lego toy but you have to pretend you don't know shhh' he just thinks it's a silly jokey thing. Which is obviously a good thing.

I say to him 'oh that's exciting etc' and I also say things like 'we don't need any secrets between us do we, I'm your mummy you can tell me anything you want to'

How else should I be dealing with this?

Frankly it pisses me off. I don't think she should be teaching him to keep secrets at all. She's also completely disregarding what we asked at the beginning of the year. I also find it fairly disrespectful to me.

Any thoughts or advice please?

The point about keeping secrets is in my view a non issue - in this case it is the grandparent buying toys, just the same as don't tell I ate this etc. Its taking the whole safeguarding too far.

I’d certainly explain to her that kids shouldn’t be taught to keep secrets - for their own safety.

But with the toys, maybe reassure her that she doesn’t need to buy his affection.

I had 2 sets of grandparents growing up. One set barely bought me anything, but taught me to play the piano and tennis and I had a great time with them. The other set bought loads of tat, and it was an attempt to make up for being unable to really connect. (That’s putting it kindly.)

you have no right to tell them what to buy in their own home, you do not get to control them on that .

No, no child care arrangement. It's said when we're visiting and they're alone together

It's not just in their own home.

If my child is behaving in a spoiled way it's 100% my responsibility to change whatever it is causing that behaviour.

1. You have to be absolutely blunt with her that your family does not do secrets. If you can, find a story where a child was told by an abuser 'this is our secret'- ask, does she want to make her DGC at risk of this

explain the difference between 'surprises' (a present for someone, we won't tell them till their birthday) and secrets

1. the toys- she wants to buy them, great (well not great, but its her money)- they stay at her house for DGC to play with there.
2. The spoiling/expectation thing- explain this to her and then let her make her own mind up

I don't agree but accept that grandparents get to a point their grand kids- provided all toys are at their house. The problem is the telling him to keep secrets from you- I would personally stop contact over than and have a serious serious conversation with grandparents and not allow contact again until they agreed and understand why it's not ok.

If it's making him spoilt tell granny that he loves her because of the toys not for the quality time and suggest if she wants a meaningful connection with him to spend time with him not buy more and more shit

You would really say this to your parents or in laws? It sounds super patronising.
Mum this is what a secret means and this is what a surprise means?

I'd have a brief word asking her to avoid using the term 'keeping secrets' as it's important that your child doesn't think it's okay fr adults to ask them to do this.

Otherwise leave it alone. You don't own your child. They are their own person and their relationship with their grandparents, as long as it is not harming them is between them and their grandparents.

You don't get to dictate what they do. You get to parent on your own terms but they are not parenting - it's a different relationship. They don't have to do discipline beyond their own house rules, which may be entirely different to your own.

Parents insisting on grandparents sticking to their rules seem to think that they are employees of some sort.

Buying toys for kids does not spoil them . They are spoiled if they demand them , or they are used for bribery . They should also pack up and put their toys away after they have finished and appreciate whoever buys them anything. Pandering to their every whim where they feel entitled is spoiling . Of course , it’s the parents responsibility to not let this happen . The grandparents should have the same rules but buying him toys in itself is not the problem .

No. My grandparents would never have undermined my parents. We adored them and they made our childhood far better and richer than it would otherwise have been, but we were never spoiled.

My wise old Great Granny used to say 'you spoil your kids for other people to dislike them'. She was right.

There is something a little unpleasant and selfish about granny's behaviour. I am a grandmother and I feel instinctively that it would be wrong to buy endless toys if the parents have asked you not to, then worse to mention it is a secret. Granny is overbuying for her, in a way.

@AvrielFinch yes I would tell GPs this if they had failed to understand it so far
if they won't listen and don't understand what else are you to do

They are their own person and their relationship with their grandparents, as long as it is not harming them is between them and their grandparents.

But small children don't have a relationship with their grandparents totally independent of the child's parents, though, do they? Not in practical terms. Because it requires at least one parent to facilitate that relationship – if the grandparents aren't willing to abide by reasonable requests, the end result might be that the parents choose not to see the grandparents as much…

@newtlover then you would be incredibly patronising and condescending.

Another ageist post!!!!

I'm really torn on this I believe a grandparents job is to spoil their grandkids but obviously within reason. With the whole secret thing I was told it's our little secret as I was being sa as a child so I have spent a lot of time teaching my girls the difference between a good secret and a bad secret and they seem to understand this.

Really ? All we know so far is she bought a Lego block . How do you come up with granny is overbuying .

I know a woman who did this. Bought her grandkids loads of toys and spoiled them when the parents asked them not to. As the kids got older it developed into undermining the parents in other ways. So whenever the parents tried to enforce boundaries with their teenagers they would phone Nanny who would say "Come and stay with nanny, you poor thing". One grandchild in particular, now only ever visits her when she needs cash.

Anyway op. I would.make it.very clear that encourage my child to keep secrets from me is crossing a line and if it happens again they won't be able to spend time together. Ask her again to stop buying him stuff and ask her to show her.love in other ways. Maybe instead of spending 30 quid on Lego she could take him to the cinema or swimming. Let her know how much you want them to have a lovely relationship and you think that this is more likely if they do stuff instead of but stuff.

Buy not but. Ffs.

They're overstepping and need to respect your boundaries.

His grandma is actively telling him to keep secrets from his mum and you ask what the problem is?

Children must not be encouraged to keep secrets as this is how abuse happens.

I am a grandma. I hate all this talk about its gms job to spoil their gc etc. I adored my gd..my gm passed away early. What l remember was he was always delighted to see me. I liked trailing around after him as he gave me little jobs to do. He might give me a coin and l did love that. My dc also loved my mum. She made them lovely dinners and was a constant presence always there, always interested in their lives. She did buy a birthday present. Kids don't need constant stimulation , new toys, sweets etc. They need attention, interest, little challenges, to feel they belong. Can we give it over with the constant bloody buying.
I would insist she stops the buying and explain about the secrets. If she is your mil get dh to insist. You decide what's right for your dc. I am not a great fan of ten rules before grandma can hold the baby but put your foot down here..no excuses.

This 1000%