Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Even if the OP was careless in her wording or had shown a bit of irritation over small things over the previous couple of days, it doesn’t justify two extended tirades about how awful she is/how terribly she treats him, especially not in front of their kids.

There’s just no excuse for his behavior, which was completely over the top as a way to address a minor grievance.

Completely agree with that sentiment, but there was also one side to the story. If you were being told how to load up shopping bags and then yelled at for doing it wrong, then a couple of days you walk in a room and see everyone has got their lunch and then hears "here's a sandwich that none of us will eat" then it can add to issues. Obviously that wasn't OPs intent but there is a very good chance that the OP believes she is acting one way but infact looks like she is being rude. In the same light her partner is potentially thinking ill leave the situation because I don't want to fight, and then thinks, okay I see her point I'll get the sandwich to show that I've listened, only for her to come in a few minutes later and go on and on about it. Personally I feel that he is definitely being extremely moody, but that doesn't mean that OP.isnr also moody. I'd think that they have lost the ability to communicate or act respectfully to each other as friends let alone partners, but like I've just said myself, there are always 2 sides and we've only heard one side, OP might well be downplaying his or her emotional responses. The only thing we can really say, is that there is a lack of friendship here and unless they can fix that soon they need to start to think about not allowing the kids yo be so worried about why is dad angry, why is mum crying.

No excuse as you say, but there may be a reason why he did that. Depression effects a lot of men and it's possible that he is not ready to accept he may need help.

I was on the fence reading the first part of your post, it's conceivable that he thought you sounded bossy rather than taking it as a joke. Then I got to the part where he ate the sandwich, wtf!? He sounds like hard work, and someone who just likes to pick stupid pointless fights.

I really hate to agree with this but it is very true. I have heard 'men' saying that they did exactly this to get away. They were doing me heed in. I hate that this is my own sex. Of course there are some men who I work with who do actually do a 50 50 split. They do washing, walking kids to school, help with homework, talk with their kids, embrace their activities,,organise the house. One in particular says.. we wanted children as a team, so we parent as a team.

It sounds like he wants a divorce but doesn’t want to be the “bad guy,” so he’s being horrible and frankly abusive to force you to end it. Berating you until you are in tears is disgusting behaviour.

I'm irrationally fixated on this too! Never have I found an abroad supermarket to be crap, European ones usually have amazing deli sections. Sorry, I can't get beyond this! 😬

Sounds like an arse, also sounds familiar - sadly I think a lot of men are like this ! Hope you are ok, try not to let him spoil the rest of your time away x

Tbh it's abundantly clear from your posts that you cannot stand the man. He probably feels the same about you. You both are sniping at each other.

It'd always hard to tell from these posts because they are one sided, your describe him as lecturing, launching into tirades, telling you your evil, whilst your just getting a bit irritable. I suspect its not completely one sided but regardless you don't like him so why waste your life with him?

Go home OP. Leave sulky bollox to his next shop bought sandwich

There’s no point in being in couples counselling with someone like this. If he behaves that way to you on holiday with your kids he doesn’t care about truly making it work.

My two pence if you asked me would be it was probably a bad idea to buy a low quality meat sandwich. More bread and hummus would have been better - if I am in a similar boat I try to make it that there aren’t any options I wouldn’t eat if stuck with that.

But his reaction was incredibly over the top and really horrible.

If you were being told how to load up shopping bags and then yelled at for doing it wrong, then a couple of days you walk in a room and see everyone has got their lunch and then hears "here's a sandwich that none of us will eat" then it can add to issues.

Yes… IF that was what actually happened, but it’s not what actually happened. It’s important to be precise when trying to decide whether a reaction is fair or not. Otherwise you’re just rewriting history to accommodate or justify one side.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

——————————

I asked him not to load single bottles of wine on top of other bags in the boot as they would be liable to drop out and smash. He then piled them in with bags in the back seat. So I said ‘why have you done that?!’ - irritated. That prompted a long tirade about my evil nature.

I’m amazed a fully grown adult male can’t buy himself something to eat if he doesn’t like what’s there. But why do something simple when you can make a drama out of it.
Id leave him to buy his own lunches, OP, he obviously knows best.

No this is not normal. But it does depend on the level of ‘falling out’ you’re referring to but what op has experienced is not really ok or something I would expect from my tired and hot partner on hols.

Given that she admitted he never said she was evil, I do wonder if his interpretation of rants and tirades might differ

I am trying to show that people exaggerate based in the outcome they want. Weve heard the story from one side it is very likely to be skewed in favour of the OP, because as humans we all think we are in the right by default..if OP is being completely honest then I fully agree he is an instigator and really has problems. If however her recollection is not 100% factual then there may be faults on her side that she hasn't recognised. No matter what he has issues communicating, but there is also a question of does she?

Sounds like he’s very sensitive to perceived criticism… and then throws the criticism back onto you ten fold in a way that is quite confusing to you!
Did he by any chance experience being criticised and shamed in the past? (I’m not saying this would make it okay btw!)

YABVU. If I was in his shoes I’d have told you to fuck off and stop being a stupid fussy vegetarian, you bought it so you eat it. You need to communciate better, how would you like it if he had said it to you?

I think next time he tells you off you say kids, cna you let mummy and daddy talk for a minute. Then tell him i agree, it’s time to switch the counselling focus. I can’t live like this, constantly wondering what normal comment is going to set you off next, knowing our dc see me being bullied so often that they think I need support - they’re right, I do, but seeing much much less of you will fix that right up. We will ask the counsellor to support us to split since you most emphatically don’t want to stay together because you love me, you might because you really enjoy having a human punching bag but that doesn’t fucking work for me and it’s pretty shit parenting, have you not noticed how they feel?? So we are done and do not yell at me again.

no more sitting quietly hoping he will calm down.

Women blaming women for men's behaviour is getting beyond boring.
For all of you trying to blame the DHs behaviour on the OP you need to wake up to how you've been brainwashed by the patriarchy

He's abusive. You are not to blame in any way shape or form for HIS behaviour.

I recommend the book - Why does he do that?
And a divorce.

I’m so happy I’m single … mumsnet doesn’t make me Want to meet anyone else 😂

You husband is lucky,
If my ex husband had behaved like that the sandwich would have been binned and when he finished his silk there would not have been anything left!

Thank you all. I really appreciate your time and energy. I can see how my words could be misinterpreted but I don’t think his behaviour was proportionate.

To answer a few questions - I might not remember them all…

• No deli counter, small shop, passing through in a hurry to get somewhere, he’d parked badly so I needed to hurry. Nothing kids would like from a deli counter anyway. Other sandwiches looked rank. Thought DC would be happy with plain meat sandwich (ham - just said meat to be less outing but think it’s beyond that) as he’d said he didn’t want hummus earlier. Hummus and bread seemed ok for us all. This was functional get something down us food, not a lovely picnic. None of it was nice. I was just going for ‘acceptable’. He’s usually happy to eat anything (he’s fine with eating broccoli covered with aphids, mouldy bread) so I had no idea he’d be unhappy about any of it.
• I used hyperbolic language on this thread to let off steam. In the whole sandwich gate situation I didn’t once snap or raise my voice. I was calm. I didn’t, however, just acquiesce and agree with his version of events.
• I got irritated twice this holiday. Both times were fleeting moments. One or two sentences said and then gone. Once because he was putting wine bottles loose on top of stuff in the car - kid could easily grab a coat and out would come a loose wine bottle. My irritation was momentary. His tirade lasted at least five full minutes and included sweeping, generalising statements about my behaviour and character - which I don’t agree with. I’m not perfect but I’m not awful.
• I’m not sure couples counselling is going to help. He’s certainly not sticking to what is agreed but it will be a helpful forum to decide how to separate.

I’ve woken up. He’s snoring away. He’s let off steam and vented. I’have s allowed my feelings down along with a massive bar of chocolate.

I will do my best to be friendly but I’m on guard. I’m fed up of being told how awful I am every time his feeling are hurt. he can go on for a long time and has said some vile things.

I’ll leave this thread now, over and out. Thanks for all the fish.

Had that recommendation before. Mr sensitive abuser describes my life perfectly without the physical abuse.

You didn’t dictate what he should eat. You let the children do that. And that's worse. If you bought the ever-so-outing ham sandwich from the shop that sells only three things (pre-packed ham sandwiches, bread and hummus) for one of the children, you should have said to that child “this is what’s for lunch for you”. You made a comment that your husband says “daddy dustbin again” when he has to eat things the children have decided they are not going to so it sounds like this is a pattern. Who’s the parent? Who’s the child?