Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Tell him to get the bloody lunch next time!

There was enough hummus for him as well!

For those still talking about the sandwich...
This is a relationship in severe distress. They are at the point where they are both seeing seemingly every interaction in a negative light and unable to see a more charitable interpretation of each others intentions. Both of them are feeling unseen, unheard and misunderstood by the other.

It is worth a read about negative sentiment override and the four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt). It sounds thoroughly as if the OP and her H are stuck in this cycle.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/

My DH would be the same. Selfish and thoughtless.

I think this is about more than a sandwich, but also I wouldn't want to be treated like a child and told I have to eat a sandwich that didn't appeal if there was other food. It sounds like you were both irritable.

I think people are too focused on your food choices and not on his behaviour. It’s not ok for him to shout, storm off etc and especially not with the children around, even if you had done something to really upset him (not just got lunch!) He sounds like he was being unkind, perhaps you have been unkind earlier in the week also (easily done at the best of times) I think try to be as kind as you can to him, speak to him respectfully, as if he were a friend and if he is able to reciprocate this great, see how you get on with the counselling. If not I personally can’t see a future that is ok for you with him. It’s not ok for him to behave like this.

Take kids out without him.
Think about separation shen you get home.
My ex was a dick too and spoiled all our holidays.

Our holx now are lovely,, without him. Don't let this unhappy bully ruin their childhoods too or they will grow up thinking this is normal. That daddy makes mummy cry on holiday.

because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich

I would be pissed off too if someone told me I was being stuck with a boring sandwich because the kids didn’t want it. It makes it sound like he’s last priority and doesn’t get a choice in what he eats. Imagine if this was reversed and DH was telling you that you have to eat something because no one else wants it.

Out of interest what would have happened if more than person wanted this ‘one and only sandwich’? Sounds like a bad idea from the start.

Sorry but absolutely no reasonable person would take her comment as “dictating what he ate”.

He is a grown man, if he didn’t like the suggestion, I very highly doubt he felt like he was held prisoner to the sandwich. He could have brushed it off and got himself something else but instead he started an argument with his wife in front of the kids on holiday.

shoddy behaviour

So why would she treat someone she’s supposed to love like the dog she’s throwing scraps off the table to? Why be glib, rather than making sure everyone got something nice.

He does have a choice, he’s a grown man with grown legs. If he felt that strongly, he could have bought something else instead of ruining the holiday with his childlike behaviour

Excellent, I see you’ve found your anger.

honestly, as others have said - if this is him trying his best /if the couples counselling isn’t helping, maybe it’s time to consider ending it (I know, I know, much easier said online than done in real life).

I hope you can glean some enjoyment from the remainder of your holiday.

The children will remember this holiday for all the wrong reasons. I have lots of horrible holiday memories of my dad being grumpy and my mum snapping at him. They stayed together "for the kids" for too bloody long. Think about what this is doing to your children.

One of the best holidays I ever had was my first as a single parent. The feeling of freedom and the weight of a shit relationship lifted from me were indescribable. The DC and I have the best holidays now, we go where we want and do what we want and no one has to tread on eggshells.

100% agree!

There is a lot of “he should have known what I meant” from the op

and also saying he thought she was evil, then admitting he hadn’t actually said that at all

it looks to me like op says one thing, means another and hopes he understands, as well as deciding he’s meaning things he hasn’t actually said

Those sticking up for the husband, wtf he’s an adult and if he didn’t like either of the options he could get off his lazy arse and get his own dinner!

it sounds like he was spoiling for a fight. And like he doesnt want to be married anymore but doesnt want to be the one to say it

Same here. I worked so hard for us to afford holidays and my ex ruined every one. Life without him is amazing.

good luck OP.

Yes I agree to be honest it all sounds quite over dramatic from both OP and DH.

Unfortunately it sounds like you aren't realising that you are sometimes communicating to him in a belittling manner in his eyes. It is quite likely that he is already thinking that he can't do anything right, that his marriage is failing and he won't be able to see his kids all the time. The reason I say unfortunately because you are unwittingly saying or doing things which are triggering this when he's feeling depressed and there is nothing you can do to help him except to advise him when he's in a good place that his mood swings seem to be linked to stress and that perhaps both of you should see individual counsellors. You are also reacting in a none healthy way to his words and actions like he is to yours.

Fucking hell, the people going on about the bloody sandwich. We get it. You think OP failed in her womanly duty to provide the best food for her husband. Your standards for male behaviour are utterly pathetic.

OP your husband berating you until you are in tears because he didn't like your offhand remark about the sandwich is awful. I would just get up and walk away the next time he does that. And seriously consider never going back.

Unfortunately there are always 2 sides to a story and so although I can't say that he is in the right I can see how it's very possible that both of them are the problem

This x 10000.

Forget the bloody meat sandwich. The husband was suitable aggravated enough to cause distress to the point the children noticed. His behaviour is totally unacceptable even if he felt bottom of the pile with a crappy sandwich for one meal.

Only one of them went on about it and led to distress to the children….