Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Did the children pick then sandwich and then change their minds? Was he expecting to have hummus and then got lumbered with a sandwich he didn't want? I'd be annoyed too.
Although there's way more than this as you've said anyway. It's just another thing to add to the bucket.

I actually think it's spot on

Was it a sandwich which he would normally eat? If everyone would eat bread and hummus why did you get a meat sandwich?

Although it may be nice to raise a point without needing to do it as a personal attack

Of course you would. 🙄

Amen to that!

Cant believe you lot wittering on about bloody sandwiches 😂

This isn't about a sandwich, of course. OP, your marriage is failing. One or both of you is probably resentful at the cost of couples counselling. As pp have said, at the very least get counselling for yourself.

Have your children ever said how they feel? A bad atmosphere in a family is so harmful to them. You may need to make difficult choices and separate/divorce.

Sorry I haven't read all the thread, mainly your updates, so others have probably mentioned all this but I think it needs repeating if so. Sending you a hug and wishing you all the best.

I think you need to separate.

To simplify the situation you’re upsetting your kids and yourself by continuing with this relationship.

Where were you that only hummus and sandwiches were available.
Not a bag of chips or a Maccies nearby ?

He sounds utterly vile. It must be exhausting living with him, constantly worrying about how to word things and what will set him off

It sounds tiring OP. If I were you, I'd just be feeling very deflated and tired from all the pettiness.

Is the couples counselling working at all?

It sounds like your husband isn't seeing what he's doing to his family and marriage. I think, if you've given counselling a good shot and he's not making or maintaining changes, it could be time to finish it. You deserve stability and happiness. All couples argue but if you're starting to feel very low about it all, I'd suggest making a change.

I hope you and your kids can enjoy the holiday.

In all honesty this marriage clearly isn’t a happy one and from what I’ve read it isn’t working. You both sound like you have your flaws but you’re only focusing on your husbands.

Good grief. Can't believe anyone is defending the DH. He had parked badly, OP had to rush and grabbed a few things she thought they would eat. She didn't deliberately sabotage her OH or treat him like an afterthought. Any normal person would either have just eaten whatever food was on offer or gone off to look for something themselves. He's then launched an unnecessary tirade, upsetting his wife and kids on holiday. I couldn't be dealing with such immaturity and pettiness. If it's a symbol of greater marital issues then maybe time to draw a line.

Why did you call it a meat sandwich ? Most people say ham sandwich , chicken sandwich etc . It sort of shows your disapproval of anyone not being a veggie , without you actually realising , when you suggested it for him . And you said he hates food waste , but you said you could chuck it in the bin .

I'm not saying he was in the right because his actions weren't , I'm just saying that he wasn't wholly in the wrong .

Your poor kids being stuck on this holiday. It sounds like you could cut the tension with a knife. What a horrible atmosphere for them.

The problem is, and I’m sure you’re well aware of it, you’ve both fallen out of ‘like’ with each other. Once you don’t like each it’s a slippery slope and very difficult to get back to the place where you liked and enjoyed being with each other.

Single counselling and serious thoughts of ending this painful marriage if it’s past the point of no return. You are two unhappy, resentful people and you have kids who deserve more harmony in their life.

That and after Christmas, couples spending more time with each other than usual... Ah, the joy of a family holiday!
But seriously, it sounds like it is not really about the sandwich or the hummous, good luck with the therapy and just try to make the best of the holiday you got left!

Couples counselling can be helpful in some situations but honestly if one party has a toxic personality then it can do more harm than good.

Nailed it.

He's a real prick and those poor children will carry the scars for a lifetime.

What your son witnessed is emotionally abusive.
Save your money, get your ducks in a row.
Mind yourself OP.

He sounds unhinged. All of your examples are just everyday minor irritations that DH I would brush off after maybe being grumpy about it for a minute or two.
You don't have to live like this.
He reminds me of my emotionally abusive ex, always ready to make an argument out of anything. What he's doing is emotional abuse, he has you walking on eggshells. Clearly the couple's counselling isn't working.

What a twat he is.

Does he continually seek to be offended? You must all be exhausted.

When people stop liking each other, they tend to interpret every little thing as a personal slight. It was just a throwaway comment from you, but he took it to be a sign of disrespect towards him. As in the shitty sandwich isn't good enough for DC, but it is good enough for him because he is worth less. Like others have said, this isn't really about the sandwich. Your husband doesn't like you and he knows you don't like him either.

This is what I read.

“Here’s horrible food rejected by the kids and everyone in the shop- it’s at your level”. So insulting- especially when you get the nice food. I would not be happy at all, and whilst I wouldn’t use the same words, it would be the same message.

It sounds like you both lack goodwill towards each other and treat each other with suspicion at best, disdain at worst. He has tantrums and you walk on eggshells.

You might also micromanage a bit (common among women who have been expected to shoulder most of the responsibility for some time, but it only annoys people and gets you ignored sadly - I say this as someone who’s guilty of it too!)

I agree with PP that it sounds like you’d both be better off alone sadly. Or do you think you can come back from this level of bad feeling and ill will? Is it external stresses and circumstances driving it or are you just not compatible?

Always bearing in mind that while the wife can escape from the vile husband the poor children will likely be court ordered to spend overnight unsupervised time alone with him and his ugly moods.