....to think this is too much to charge?

[AmIEnough]

So my 17-year-old DD has a BF (also 17) who she has been with for just over a year and a half now. He spends most of his time at our house, partly due to the fact that his parents have just moved and are currently converting a brick built outbuilding into a bedroom and shower room for him so he doesn't have a bedroom at the moment (he has to sleep in his brother's room).

He has a full time job/apprenticeship so earns a low wage at the moment. I cook for him three or four times per week, the rest of the week they do their own thing. He eats breakfast at ours (tea and toast) and obviously uses the shower. I don't do his washing.

He kindly and quite maturely in my opinion, offered to contribute for the food he is eating. I find anything financial quite awkward to discuss and it was quite surprised given that he is quite a young 17-year-old. He's a very sweet boy and fits in with our family beautifully. I thanked him very much and told him I would discuss it with my husband (who is not my DD's father but treats her really really well).

I have mentioned it to my DH and his response was that yes, that was very kind and it was the right thing to do given that everything is so expensive and that he works so hard to provide a lovely life for us, which he does. When I asked him how much he thought was a suitable contribution, he told me £250 per month.

I think this is way too much given that the cost of one additional meal when you're feeding four people isn't huge.

What do you think would be an agreeable amount given the cost of living and also the financial status of the BF? I just can't envisage going to the BF with this amount and having to go through the toe-curling experience of seeing the shock on his face when I tell him.

Thanks in advance for your input. Any advice on how to navigate this would be very gratefully appreciated

Occasionally they use household food but more often they are out or get a takeaway as we tend to be out at the weekends

I really think, looking at your updates, that your DH just has a totally different attitude to this than you.

I think he is seeing it as - it's a huge imposition and a bit cheeky to spend so much time at someone else's house, it's not what he wants to have a guest most of the week, so he wants to discourage it by charging a lot for it.

Whereas you seem to really enjoy having this kid around and probably think you get to see more of your DD because of it (realistically this will matter less to him as she isn't his DD).

I think the better approach is to tackle the root cause and just set clearer boundaries about how often he can stay

Id just say to him that if he wanted to pick stuff up like snacks or shower gel he can but not to worry

Yeah that bit made me cringe!

Is your husband the father of DD? He doesn’t seem to realise he may be pushing her away.

Your husband is being ridiculous and grabby.

Your DDs bf sounds really lovely and respectful, I'd be so happy I would probably just ask him to buy in a family take away like a pp mentioned once a month and get to know him a bit more, you never know he could end up as your SIL.

I don’t see why he is at yours so much? He doesn’t currently have a bedroom, but as a pp said, he isn’t homeless. My first action would be to limit how much he’s there. Sorry, probably a massively unpopular opinion, but I can well imagine the OP’s DH, who treats the OP’s dd as his own, is not thrilled to have the bf there on a constant and is asking for serious cash, fair play.

I wouldn't charge him anything, if he insisted on paying I'd take no more than £10 a month. I think asking him to buy and cook once a week would he more reasonable, he isn't a lodger he's a guest.
If I was the boys parent and found out he was giving you £250 a month I'd think you were financially exploiting him.

When you say most of the time- how much of the time is that? If he’s staying with you 6 nights a week and you’re cooking for him 3 or 4 nights a week then I think £100 per month is the minimum he should be paying really.

I’m assuming this was a bit of a stealth (almost) moving in, rather than it being discussed?

Your DH is mad. I personally wouldn’t charge anything unless you need the money. It doesn’t hurt to be generous. He may be with your DD a long time.

No he’s not her father

Yes, stays most nights, eats three or four nights

Get him to shop and cook a couple times a week. Don't charge him rent

£100 a month would be more than enough.

If dh is feeling too put out, maybe ask the lad to help with a few chores, like cutting the grass or sticking the hoover around occasionally too

It’s most like he’s moved in, I think your seeing this as covering some meals and dh is seeing it as rent.

It’s almost like he has moved in by stealth. They are quite young at 17 to be living together. I wonder if your dh is concerned and trying to discourage the living together.

I think in that case either he should be paying you or his parents should, yes. It’s not just food, he’s using your water to shower, using your electricity to charge his devices, using your Wi-Fi etc.

Does your daughter work, or is she at sixth form/college?

I think it’s common for young people to spend a lot of time at their boyfriend or girlfriends house - my youngest sons girlfriends have always spent a lot of time here and basically when his brothers were still at home I had to literally do a head count when making dinner!!

You could suggest he gets a takeaway in once in a while or if he can cook maybe ask whether he'd be happy to cook a meal for the family now and again. I think it feels a bit nicer and will likely make him feel more a part of the family. I guess it depends on your financial situation and if he has a big appetite, but £250 does sound like quite a lot.

When I was 17 (20 years ago) I paid £200 a month keep. £10 a week now adays is ridiculous. I think £250 a month considering food/electric/heat and a bed is more than fair. On a side note I'd be very careful with this arrangement given their age, very young to be living together even if it's temporary

If it’s short term and he’ll be back at his once the building work is complete, I’d offer for them to cook for the family once week (with bf buying the ingredients) or £20 a week to cover his food costs.

I’m not sure why you’re encouraging your DD into essentially a domestic partnership at such a young age. Lovely he may be but it sounds way too intense. Too much, too soon.

🤣 amazing what men suggest when they think the woman will be the messenger!

Tell DH you were thinking closer to £100 "but whatever you decide to tell him, dear."

A room in a shared house is usually about 600 per month in my area but that includes bills and doesn’t include food.

personally I’d charge him £160 and include the food, your time cooking, bills in that.

If he's only eating 4 evening meals and some toast then that's about 20% of one adult share of the food bill. If he's dipping in to ask the other food then it comes to a lot more. Showering every day adds some cost too. That said, I wouldn't charge him as I wouldn't want him feeling he had rights to stay. If you're keen to charge him then £100 is a fair amount to cover his actual extra costs; £65 for the food (assuming low level dipping into supplies like pasta and veg), £10 for showers, £5 for devices/ TV and washing machine, £10 towards cleaning products and other bits. You wouldn't include things like share of council tax, heating, electricity standing charge etc in this situation because that's existing cost and he isn't a lodger fully paying his way.

I would say £150pm would be the actual cost, but just charge him £100pm as a kindness as you wouldn't begrudge the first £50pm or so if he was with you less frequently.