....to think this is too much to charge?

[AmIEnough]

So my 17-year-old DD has a BF (also 17) who she has been with for just over a year and a half now. He spends most of his time at our house, partly due to the fact that his parents have just moved and are currently converting a brick built outbuilding into a bedroom and shower room for him so he doesn't have a bedroom at the moment (he has to sleep in his brother's room).

He has a full time job/apprenticeship so earns a low wage at the moment. I cook for him three or four times per week, the rest of the week they do their own thing. He eats breakfast at ours (tea and toast) and obviously uses the shower. I don't do his washing.

He kindly and quite maturely in my opinion, offered to contribute for the food he is eating. I find anything financial quite awkward to discuss and it was quite surprised given that he is quite a young 17-year-old. He's a very sweet boy and fits in with our family beautifully. I thanked him very much and told him I would discuss it with my husband (who is not my DD's father but treats her really really well).

I have mentioned it to my DH and his response was that yes, that was very kind and it was the right thing to do given that everything is so expensive and that he works so hard to provide a lovely life for us, which he does. When I asked him how much he thought was a suitable contribution, he told me £250 per month.

I think this is way too much given that the cost of one additional meal when you're feeding four people isn't huge.

What do you think would be an agreeable amount given the cost of living and also the financial status of the BF? I just can't envisage going to the BF with this amount and having to go through the toe-curling experience of seeing the shock on his face when I tell him.

Thanks in advance for your input. Any advice on how to navigate this would be very gratefully appreciated

Maybe he and dd could cook one meal a week for the family? Would be great practise for adulthood too!

My DS had a similar set up with my now DIL at the same age. She stayed at ours most nights. She offered to pay for ingredients and cook one meal a week for everyone, which I thought was lovely.

£250 is really unfair for a 17yr old.

£250 is far too much! how much does he get paid? I agree with those saying £100 a month but you should also take into account how much he actually earns each month too.

“I have mentioned it to my DH and his response was that yes, that was very kind and it was the right thing to do given that everything is so expensive and that he works so hard to provide a lovely life for us which he does. When I asked him how much he thought was a suitable contribution, he told me £250 per month.“

Ugh. Anybody else read that and think your husband was laying it on a bit thick? 🤨
Not really relevant and not really the time to present his hero status. Were you suitably grateful and adoring to him?

Anyway, £250?! Your husband is taking the piss! Profit off a young adult on apprenticeship money?

If I could afford the extra food, I’d say thanks but no thanks, just pleased that he’d offered. I might - even if I didn’t need the money - say, “how about you do a family takeaway once a month?” Although, price of takeaways, that’s probably the same as he’s costing you all month 🫣

If it is a strain on your finances - do an approx calculation of what he’s actually costing you.

I'd thank him & turn him down flatly & suggest that one night a month he treats you all to a nice meal at a nice restaurant
Win win

You don't cook that night
He learns to give back
You all spend quality time together
He feels he's contributing
You all feel spoiled
You are building up a lovely tradition if they stay together

@beachcitygirl it’s a lovely thought and I like your reasons. But I posted about a takeaway and said that night cost more than he’s actually costing them - a think a nice restaurant definitely goes into that territory.

Some upthread said about them cooking - I think that’s a lovely idea - as long as he pays for the ingredients and the daughter isn’t doing all the cooking! 😉

Ask him how much he thinks that he should pay.

I would go with saying that he and dd can be in charge of feeding everyone once a week. It will be good for them both to shop for and cook bigger meals. And if he did want to splash out on takeaway sometimes, then he could.

Him paying to feed you 3 once a week balances out the meals he has pretty well I think!

I wouldn't charge him anything because he's not a lodger, he's your daughter's guest (who stays a lot!)

Ask him to contribute in other ways that equate to what you might think of charging him... Paying for a takeaway, doing the supermarket shop, take on a share of the household chores...

this

I'm staggered by suggestions of a hundred quid a month!

A tenner a week is much more appropriate imo, unless you really are struggling to cover the extra cost, OP.

£250 a month is hilarious.

This would be better and would leave your daughter free to have him over less and him to come over less.

Cash contribution for a set period creates too much obligation/entitlement in my view and therefore pressure on your DD/their relationship. Yes he's lovely and polite and they're both happy now, but give them the freedom to keep it that way by choice not feeling contracted in.

This!!!

What does it cost you?

I wouldn't charge personally, I'd say that I'd like him to organise dinner twice a month - he can cook or buy something in its up to him.

I cannot believe your husband is so greedy, £250 is absolutely ridiculous. For a family of three we spend about £300 a month!

I wouldn't charge anything, but if you must, then I'd say £50 per month maximum.

£250? Your husband is being ridiculous.

I would say £10 a week or £50 a month is ample. Sure some 17 year olds live alone yada yada but for most, that's a significant amount of money.

You could consider asking DD to cook a family meal occasionally, which is age appropriate at at 17, and which he would prob help with.

My dd is a 17 year old apprentice, but obviously lives with us full time.
She gives us £100 a month.

My son and his girlfriend are back from the summer from University. I don't charge them anything as they only work during the summer. They are good, they will often buy some foods or cook for me. They were supposed to be living at my ex husband this summer as my son got a job in his dad's workplace so it will have been handy but ex wanted to charge then £ 300 for the room and they have to provide their own food and have to vacate the place when his girlfriend is in his place so they refuse to stay at his place

That's a lovely idea, but a nice meal in a nice restaurant for at least 4 people could be pretty expensive. You'd need to set a bar.

Dd 3 is at uni and her weekly food budget is £30.

As he is only with you 3-4 times a week (and showers) I would the suggested £10-15 a week is suitable

£100 a month would be reasonable on apprenticeship wages. £25 a week is nothing much - it's around £3.50 a day for the meals, shower, roof over your head.

I think this is the question - is he paying board and lodging - the roof over his head and daily food - or for 4 meals a week and a few showers?

I was assuming more the latter. I imagine your husband was assuming the former OP.

£250 is ridiculous- he’s not a lodger. Can you work out roughly what he is costing you in extra electricity and food? Tea a toast is hardly a lot. Then a few meals per week - say £4-5 per meal? Depending on what you’re having? £20-£25 per week should more than cover it so maximum £80-100 per month. I think it’s lovely that he’s offered.

Gosh, that's way too much!
£100 a month would be plenty.