....to think this is too much to charge?

[AmIEnough]

So my 17-year-old DD has a BF (also 17) who she has been with for just over a year and a half now. He spends most of his time at our house, partly due to the fact that his parents have just moved and are currently converting a brick built outbuilding into a bedroom and shower room for him so he doesn't have a bedroom at the moment (he has to sleep in his brother's room).

He has a full time job/apprenticeship so earns a low wage at the moment. I cook for him three or four times per week, the rest of the week they do their own thing. He eats breakfast at ours (tea and toast) and obviously uses the shower. I don't do his washing.

He kindly and quite maturely in my opinion, offered to contribute for the food he is eating. I find anything financial quite awkward to discuss and it was quite surprised given that he is quite a young 17-year-old. He's a very sweet boy and fits in with our family beautifully. I thanked him very much and told him I would discuss it with my husband (who is not my DD's father but treats her really really well).

I have mentioned it to my DH and his response was that yes, that was very kind and it was the right thing to do given that everything is so expensive and that he works so hard to provide a lovely life for us, which he does. When I asked him how much he thought was a suitable contribution, he told me £250 per month.

I think this is way too much given that the cost of one additional meal when you're feeding four people isn't huge.

What do you think would be an agreeable amount given the cost of living and also the financial status of the BF? I just can't envisage going to the BF with this amount and having to go through the toe-curling experience of seeing the shock on his face when I tell him.

Thanks in advance for your input. Any advice on how to navigate this would be very gratefully appreciated

Personally I wouldn't charge him anything because I think if you do, it basically says that you're happy for him to move in with you and pay you rent.

I would instead limit him staying over to 1-2 times a week.

But if you are going to charge him something, I suspect the extra groceries and water and electricity is more in the 150-200 region

What kind of meals do you cook? How much does he eat ? Big difference if you are cooking roast or steaks. I think a nominal amount like 10/20 PW until he qualifies then revisiting things would make sense.

@DramaAlpaca

Try again £250 per MONTH.

i still think it's too much though.

op you know what it's costing you in extra food/ither bits, just charge him that.

we don't know if you're feeding him gruel or caviar, if he's eating/drinking lots of expensive drinks/snacks.

his parents should be contributing, not him. Unless, of course, they think he needs to be at his home, not yours. Have you spoken to them??

He’s 17, a child. Albeit a child with a job. If you can’t afford to feed him, send him home. If you
can, just turn down the offer and suggest he and your daughter cook for the fam one day.
We have a relative (older than us!) who is probably better off than us who eats with us at least 2/3 evenings per week, as well as snacks/ tea etc. I sometimes ask him to pick something up (on your way over could you buy some snacks etc).

Is DH thinking it's for rent rather than just a contribution to food? £250 is too much for just food.

I wouldn't charge for rent. If he wants to contribute to food, why not ask him to pay for one shop a month, if it's not too expensive.

I wouldn't charge him at all.

You sound so kind and reasonable, as does he.
I think this arrangement is a win win for you both.
£250pm seems a lot, I think £100 is a great deal for you both. You put it towards your food shopping and you don’t end up feeling resentful of his presence, and he is getting a great deal.

Since he's there, I think it's fair he contributes and he will be happy if he pays something towards it. How about £50 a month?

it depends wether you actually need the money or not but another option could be that he treats everyone to a takeaway a couple of times a month.

He sounds a kind and mature lad and as he's offered, I would accept £10 as a contribution.
£250 would be exploitation!

£10 per week that is

Don't be such a wimp and just suggest £50 a month and leave it at that: your DH is ridiculous asking for £250

I thought about £100 a month, but he may find that too much, he is only 17, so maybe £50.

I wonder if your DH just isn't as happy as you about having him around all the time?
.
Over on the step parenting board, a lot of posters clearly struggle with their step children let alone their step children's boyfriend on top.

He might be suggesting a high figure hoping the boyfriend will say no and dial back on the visits

I'd suggest £30 a week. Maybe ask him if that is OK, given that he has been mature enough to bring it up? £250 a month is def too much.

I’d ask weekly because he’ll leave eventually and it might be part way thought a month.
If you can afford it, I wouldn’t take anything and here’s why.
Once he pays, he pays he has expectations. Atm everything is on your terms.
You are in total control.
he’s a child, would your ex charge your dd ?
Id say, really kind of you to offer but since its short term until your room is fixed we can cover you for x time.
perhaps you can pick up ingredients and cook once a week.. that’s a great contribution.
Otherwise before you know it. He’ll have moved on!

Unless you need the money id thank him but encourage him to save his money and think about how he could contribute in other ways.

him and your DD cooking one night a week, or perhaps physically helping with the shopping if that’s practical.

17 year olds in Supported Lodgings are asked to contribute £25 a week out of their money in my local authority. That seems fair.

So he isn't eating a huge amount and showers - £20 a week

I wouldn't ask for money but probably would ask him to do some shopping; biscuits, bread, jam, butter, sugar milk, pasta, toilet roll...on his way home from work.

£20-£30/week, I’d say.

That's what I thought. It's not as though you're actively buying him specific things, he's just having a portion of what you've already brought

I'd ask for £15-20 a week towards food. Bless him for offering. DS's first partner lived with us for a month and never bought so much as a carton of milk. He was from a wealthy family too.

At £250 per month your DH is a CF. He is wanting the poor lad to cover far more than he is using and pay some of your own families costs.
I’d be embarrassed if my DH suggested this.

I also think £100/month

I think something around £50 a month seems reasonable.
It was mature of him to offer. He might have been prompted by his parents who are acutely aware of how many meals he is eating at someone else's house.