Is she dead to me or should I be more understanding?

[LadyMarmar]

Can’t believe this really. I struck up a friendship with a woman through a mutual interest group that we’d both joined. I gave her a lift a few tmes & we really hit it off & had a lot to talk about. Met up a couple of times locally for drink / coffee.

Fast forward to today, about 4 months after we first met. Last week I’d invited her to come out to dinner with me to a local restaurant I thought it’d be fun to try. Knowing that she’s not very well off atm (she’s unemployed & on benefits) I said it’d be my treat. She thanked me profusely and said she was really looking forward to it.

So tonight I got to the restaurant ahead of the appointed time. About 5 mins before we were due to meet she called & said the thing was she was at a funeral wake which had gone on longer than she expected. She had many friends there she hadn’t seen for 30 years etc etc. She then said she’d assumed I was with other friends/ family (I’d never said that, & later going back over our WhatsApp messages it had been v clear that tonight was a get together for me & her). I said no, I was in the restaurant alone. She half heartedly said she supposed she could leave the funeral wake & drive on over to meet me but I told her not to worry about it & she sounded relieved & thanked me heartily for being ‘understanding’.

The situation left me feeling disappointed and hurt. I’m pondering whether I want to continue my friendship with her. Yes she is a bit dirzy & scatty (which I don’t normally mind & it makes her who she us) but on the other hand, this was downright thoughtless & rude. So: YABU - cut the woman some slack, she’s had a bereavement & her long term friends have taken priority or YANBU - she has been rude & inconsiderate. I don’t need people like that - she’s dead to me

If she was genuinely at the funeral, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and one last chance.

If she pulls a stunt like that again, then I'd say yes, call it a day on the friendship.

Why did she arrange dinner with you when she was going to a funeral? She's rude and ungrateful, it'd be the end of it for me

Obviously it's your choice who you have in your life, and whether this woman ultimately gives you as much as she takes, but it's a very new friendship -- it seems a bit melodramatic to leap straight to 'she's dead to me', when in fact you're still really only getting to know one another. Are you quite black and white in your thinking? If you decide to continue to have a relationship with this woman, maybe restrict it to low-effort meetings, like a coffee? Or is not showing up part of a pattern of behaviour?

It seems like am OTT reaction on your side but everyone has their non negotioables in friendships

Is “yes she’s a bit dizzy & scatty” code for she’s flaky?

If someone phoned me 5 minutes before we were due to meet, when I was sat alone in a restaurant like a lemon, to tell me they couldn’t make it I wouldn’t be arranging to meet them again.

I'd maybe give it one more chance, but I get how you feel. The funeral surely wasn't a surprise and even if it was she would have known that if she's hadn't already left by the time it took to get to you that she wouldn't be there on time so was very unreasonable to only message you 5 mins before.

She's terribly flaky and I wouldn't invite her out again. But "she's dead to me" is an overreaction.

I certainly wouldn't make any more arrangements where I could be left waiting at a venue.

She was at a wake, I’d let it go, maybe she didn’t know how long a wake could go on for, or accidentally double booked you, distracted by bereavement. If you like her, I’d give her another chance.

I'm on the fence.
I would be very pissed off in your shoes. At the same time, if her excuse is genuine, I do understand it. The last wake I went to, I thought I'd be there maybe an hour and it ended up a lot longer.

I think I would give her one more chance but any repeat in future and I'd be done.

Once she knew the date of the funeral, she should have let you know and asked to rearrange. Assuming there actually was a funeral anyway and not just a made up excuse.

I'd give her another chance but be wary.

“She’s dead to me” after knowing her for 4 months? I knew someone like this. I don’t bother with them anymore. Too suffocating

I think a wake is one of those things where you think oh I'll only be there an hour, but time runs away with you when you're catching up with those you haven't seen for years. Having said that, I reckon she knew that you hadn't invited anyone else and was using that interpretation as a bit of an excuse.

Yes, me too.

Well I wouldn't be instigating any plans with her, maybe if she suggests something I'd go along.

Dead to me is a bit harsh though

‘Dead to me’ is a huge overreaction. She probably didn’t expect the wake to go on so long, and see so many old friends.

Just re-arrange the meal and take it from there. It was just one of those unexpected situations, and these things happen.

To be honest, your reaction sounds a little intense.

In recent times I have taken the view that if a friend lets me down, it tells me everything if THEY try to reschedule. If they say I’m so sorry can we do X night instead or Y activity instead - then I know they genuinely wanted to spend time with me and am more than understanding.
Other “friends” let me down repeatedly and then never ask to meet up. It’s always me saying hey, did you still want to…? And I’ve stopped doing that - I wait and see if they get in touch, but I don’t get to do it for them.

it pretty much gives you the answer.

If she really thought others were coming and then found out you were alone in the restaurant she would have been mortified! This did happen to me and the friend was beside herself and she apologised and rearranged. Wait and see what move she makes next… You don’t need to do anything.

I would be annoyed at the time but not end the friendship over it. However I also would not be offering to buy her dinner as that seems a bit much for a new friendship.

She might be grateful but possibly doesn't want to feel beholden to you either?

If cancelling short notice happens again then I would let the friendship slide away naturally

As a one-off, I'd definitely just let it go. Maybe she did genuinely get muddled and think you were meeting others to, and in the moment it seemed to her more important to spend time with friends after the funeral. I'd only give up if it was a repeated pattern of behaviour.

Are you usually so extreme with people being dead to you? What are you like when you are being dramatic.

Nope, I don’t waste my time with unreliable people. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I hope you still enjoyed dinner.

'dead to me' after a 4 month pal got waylaid at a wake is intense. I wouldn't be making arrangements with her, I'd be letting her come to me as it was rude not to let you know earlier but it's not "dead to me' territory! It might be 'i won't bother with her again' territory but there's a difference!

Also, it seems a bit off to me to invite her as your treat knowing it was out of her price range as such a new acquaintance. She accepted but that would make a lot of people uncomfortable at such an early stage in the friendship.

You say she's scatty, could she possibly have ADHD? Just a thought.

I do and a few weeks ago I triple book myself out on night because I forgot about the other plans I'd made. I said go for dinner with my friend about a week earlier. (Forgot about that) then I said I'd have my nieces round to play after school (forgot about that) then I made rrangenents with my mum to go to bingo. Only when I had arranged that all my other commitments came barrelling towards me and I realised I'd messed up. Neurodivergent brains work differently, also if she's unexpectedly met up with friends from 30 years ago I'd just say oh it's ok don't worry, it's ok to be annoyed on your part. But don't drop her, she was in a difficult position tbf. And like others have said being a charity case isn't fun for the recipient

I thought you were going to say she was there an hour before you raking up a Bill on cocktails and expensive wine and nibbles.

She should have given more notice she didn't want to go if she preferred to catch up with others.
Maybe one more chance?

I would cool down contact and not make effort to make plans as she left it so last minute to cancel/reschedule.