Is she dead to me or should I be more understanding?

[LadyMarmar]

Can’t believe this really. I struck up a friendship with a woman through a mutual interest group that we’d both joined. I gave her a lift a few tmes & we really hit it off & had a lot to talk about. Met up a couple of times locally for drink / coffee.

Fast forward to today, about 4 months after we first met. Last week I’d invited her to come out to dinner with me to a local restaurant I thought it’d be fun to try. Knowing that she’s not very well off atm (she’s unemployed & on benefits) I said it’d be my treat. She thanked me profusely and said she was really looking forward to it.

So tonight I got to the restaurant ahead of the appointed time. About 5 mins before we were due to meet she called & said the thing was she was at a funeral wake which had gone on longer than she expected. She had many friends there she hadn’t seen for 30 years etc etc. She then said she’d assumed I was with other friends/ family (I’d never said that, & later going back over our WhatsApp messages it had been v clear that tonight was a get together for me & her). I said no, I was in the restaurant alone. She half heartedly said she supposed she could leave the funeral wake & drive on over to meet me but I told her not to worry about it & she sounded relieved & thanked me heartily for being ‘understanding’.

The situation left me feeling disappointed and hurt. I’m pondering whether I want to continue my friendship with her. Yes she is a bit dirzy & scatty (which I don’t normally mind & it makes her who she us) but on the other hand, this was downright thoughtless & rude. So: YABU - cut the woman some slack, she’s had a bereavement & her long term friends have taken priority or YANBU - she has been rude & inconsiderate. I don’t need people like that - she’s dead to me

It’s odd to offer to pay a new acquaintance. I think there’s more to this. Perhaps she is already trying to distance herself from you.

Yes I do think that’s likely the case. She’s generally a sweet person but I have noticed a tendency to over commit herself (often helping others) when she tells me stuff about what’s been going on in her life

I don’t believe there’s ‘more to this’ as you say (I don’t have a gay crush on her if that’s what you’re thinking! 😂) if she wanted to distance herself from me, then fine don’t accept the invitation but it’s rude to bail out at the last minute.

I’d leave the ball in her court. If she contacts you to arrange something else, accept the invitation and see what happens. Don’t offer to foot the bill again though, O’d definitely class that as a one-time offer that has now expired.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I just wanted to jump on here & say yes, ‘dead to me’ makes me sound rather unhinged In retrospect & I shouldn’t have used that term and was being deliberately hyperbolic. I wouldn’t really cut anybody off completely for what is a relatively minor issue.

I don’t mean to sound overly intense or drip feed but for context, it’s been a stressful couple of months with not much social time plus a recent bout of Covid. Thus I was very much looking forward to letting my hair down & having a good catch up on a girls’ night out. So my disappointment was more than it usually might have been on this occasion.

I certainly won’t cut this person dead but I probably won’t be be actively making much of an effort either

Give her another chance if she does it again cut your ties

I wouldn't be offering her any more meals, and I'd let her make the next social move.

This won’t be the last of it. She’ll do it again. I would doubt there even was a funeral. I bet if you do some digging …..

Why be an “optional” when you should have been a priority?

I agree with a pp. See if she tries to rearrange.
And I'd cool it a bit with her. Only slightly. See what she is like with you and take it from there.

I realise I might be projecting here. I fiund the term “dead to me” quite striking and I thought it was either a joke or you’re very upset.

Now after your update I see that you’re very upset.

So just to say, if you are in that position, where friends are in short supply and a night out means a lot, I understand that. I’ve had a few threads about friendship on here.

I would say that I’ve learned quite a bit from those threads and sadly, looking at my real life, I do feel that people behaving like this is a red flag. I appreciate that a wake may run on but I am the sort of person who would just say “I’ve got a commitment” and leave. not complicated in my view.

Her thinking there were other people there at the restaurant does feel like an excuse.

So I would probably say one more chance if she organises it. I wouldn’t offer to pay. I think that’s quite risky because you could potentially really be taken advantage of?

It is very hard because you don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater but you also don’t want people taking the Mickey.

Downright rude. She could have at least told you sooner as she must have known you would be going to the restaurant at a certain time - I could understand more if she had called you an hour or so before

Id never invite/pay for her again

OP sounds a bit OTT. I’d be the one doing the avoiding if I was the new “friend”

So rude at least tell you in advance that she has a funeral to attend? I wouldn't bother with her if it was me. If she apologises then rearrange something then fair enough

OP, what did you do re the restaurant? Did you eat alone or did you leave?

Sack her off- shows what she’s like

She’s flaky and you’re a drama queen.

I agree that of course it’s really annoying to be stood up, especially for something you offered to pay for. It must have been very frustrating for you. She must have known there was a clash of events and should have let you know before that there might be an overlap. It’s very inconsiderate and/or scatty not to have realised it might not work.

BUT what on earth is the ‘she’s dead to me’ about? It’s so weirdly over dramatic. You don’t know her well enough to know if this was one off bad planning, general scattiness or deliberate disregard of you. Most people would be pissed off (no point in pretending it was ok) but give her the benefit of the doubt, just once. Even the most organised and considerate person messes up sometimes, I know I have and I’m sure you will one day even if you’ve made every effort not to. Wait and see, she might feel really bad about it, try to make up for it and never do it again. Or she might quickly turn out to be 100% flaky.

Whatever, cut out the drama. This is nothing to do with being a doormat or not being assertive. Take care of your adrenaline levels and blood pressure. Life is full of people messing up (and often it’s you). Either move on or give the benefit of the doubt. No drama.

A few years ago I had a horrible experience when a friend invited me to attend a large park festival she was on the board for, she said I could go behind the scenes with her.

When I got there I rang her and rang her and she didn't pick up or return my calls and I was just there on my own amidst family and friends groups.

I looked around for ages for potential company and eventually feeling like absolute shit, I went and ate dinner alone

We never spoke again.

Leaving someone in the lurch is a shitty thing to do.

No I wouldn't be harsh with her. Carry on being nice but don't arrange anymore meals. She's not going to be a close friend. Put your efforts elsewhere.

Btw I've been stood up at a meal - a bit jarring at the time but it was a nice person who apologised and I left it at that.

I would believe her, you don't know her enough to know she has form for this so I would assume the event genuinely ran over, she got mixed up with times and basically screwed up. We have all done things totally out of character sometimes and wouldn't like to be judged on those moments. Maybe she is absolutely mortified. But as pp suggest, the next move is with her and I wouldn't offer to pay next time either.

Ate on my own! 🤣 It was one of those restaurants that takes a deposit when you book plus I was hungry so happy to have a solo dinner

I would be really annoyed that she didn't mention it till last minute. I don't think it makes any difference that it's a wake.
I wouldn't bother trying to develop the friendship. It would put me off

This 100%. Mistakes happen/ life gets in the way at times and I'm fully understanding of that. However, if someone cancels and doesn't go on to offer an alternative date, it tells me everything I need to know and I won't put myself in the position of asking again. I wish I'd taken this approach years ago. It would have saved me a lot of time and wasted energy on flaky people!

I don't think ADHD can be used as a blanket excuse for everything. I'd scale back on this friendship to avoid future disappointments.

If you only arranged it last week presumably she already knew she had a funeral that day. I always write off a full day for a funeral as you never know how it's going to go with old friends and distant family etc. She should never have agreed to the dinner in the first place.

I also hate that people allow others to mess them about and excuse it as being scatter brained etc. No, she's a bloody adult and should be able to manage her affairs. My DH and I both have ADHD but we use reminders, calendars, alarms etc because we know our weaknesses.

I wouldn't completely write her off now but I'd leave the ball in her court to make the next arrangements and this would be her last chance. Don't go chasing her.

Exactly. If she didn't want to go she could have canceled in advance, not when she knew you had already gone to the effort of getting ready and actually getting to the restaurant. That's just rude.