Is she dead to me or should I be more understanding?

[LadyMarmar]

Can’t believe this really. I struck up a friendship with a woman through a mutual interest group that we’d both joined. I gave her a lift a few tmes & we really hit it off & had a lot to talk about. Met up a couple of times locally for drink / coffee.

Fast forward to today, about 4 months after we first met. Last week I’d invited her to come out to dinner with me to a local restaurant I thought it’d be fun to try. Knowing that she’s not very well off atm (she’s unemployed & on benefits) I said it’d be my treat. She thanked me profusely and said she was really looking forward to it.

So tonight I got to the restaurant ahead of the appointed time. About 5 mins before we were due to meet she called & said the thing was she was at a funeral wake which had gone on longer than she expected. She had many friends there she hadn’t seen for 30 years etc etc. She then said she’d assumed I was with other friends/ family (I’d never said that, & later going back over our WhatsApp messages it had been v clear that tonight was a get together for me & her). I said no, I was in the restaurant alone. She half heartedly said she supposed she could leave the funeral wake & drive on over to meet me but I told her not to worry about it & she sounded relieved & thanked me heartily for being ‘understanding’.

The situation left me feeling disappointed and hurt. I’m pondering whether I want to continue my friendship with her. Yes she is a bit dirzy & scatty (which I don’t normally mind & it makes her who she us) but on the other hand, this was downright thoughtless & rude. So: YABU - cut the woman some slack, she’s had a bereavement & her long term friends have taken priority or YANBU - she has been rude & inconsiderate. I don’t need people like that - she’s dead to me

I use that phrase all the time, it's very tongue in cheek.

I can see how this could happen at a wake. I’d totally understand (but also be a bit miffed at my night out being cancelled!)

Exactly. Suffocating and smothering. No ta. Lived it all and it’s very disconcerting

She sounds flaky. I would relegate her. See her on your terms at your hobby. I’d not always be available to do lifts either. That was very handy for her.

My first thought was 'is she telling the truth'. Because if she is lying then its a definite no from me. But if she really was at a wake it seems really odd anyway. Why wouldn't you expect there to be old friends there if you knew the person?? How old is she? Is it possible that she hasn't been to any/many funerals before? Because the 'wake' part doesn't generally have a time (to start or end really) so its possible she doesn't know how they work.
I suppose the other factor is, when did you arrange the meal? Because you don't really get much warning of a funeral so likely that came along after you booked your meal. So she might have just not realised initially.
If you enjoy her company, maybe give her another chance. I don't think I would be offering to buy her dinner again though.

Yes I agree with this. For me it would depend how sorry she was (did she ring the next day and apologise again?) and whether she tried to reschedule something. Otherwise I wouldn’t waste any more time on her.

I have someone who's "dead to me" and I've taken a lot of flak for it in RL so I opened the thread because I was curious to know what other people think is a reasonable justification for this. Suffice to say I feel a lot more justified now!

I honestly think this just sounds like a basic misunderstanding. The funeral/wake went on longer than expected (and may not even have been known about when the dinner arrangement was made) and it sounds like she spaced the fact that dinner was a one-to-one occasion, which is easily done. Maybe she's a bit flaky, maybe she's just totally normal, but either way I think your reaction is OTT.

It would never occur to me that a booking attracted an up-front payment. What is that? An up-market thing? Or a down-market thing? Or just a new normal thing? I couldn't be doing with it myself. I can see why it raised the temperature for you, but unless she chose the venue knowing about it I don't think you can factor it into your annoyance.

I'd let her fo the running now. And no more treats, she can pay her way.

Being a liiiittle bit of a hardass here

Because she probably didn’t know her friend was going to die when she accepted the dinner invite 🤦🏼‍♀️

i have a friend like you. Do yourself a favour and get a calendar. How hard is it.

Fuck me you’re not allowed a mishap even when death is involved, apparently.

explains a lot. What next? “Her child’s chemo was rearranged to the time we had a completely otherwise non important lunch and she forgot to let me know and wasn’t rearrange-y enough to show her true remorse when we did speak, I won’t ever speak to the cow again, AIBU?”

"She's dead to me" is a bit over the top, but I would be sidelining this friendship.

Regardless of anything else, it was rude of her to only contact you five minutes before you were due to meet. She absolutely knew earlier that she wouldn't be able to make the meeting and could have told you. Bare minimum, she’d have known however far in advance she’d need to leave to travel to you. Yes, too late to cancel the reservation without inconveniencing the restaurant, but you could have been saved the effort of getting ready and turning up or could have gone in knowing you'd be alone.

The lie on top that she thought it was a group thing would seal my decision to not meet her again individually. At least own your bad behaviour.

Very hard for people with ADHD. A calendar and alarms can help but they don’t solve every challenge that this kind of thing poses for folks with this condition.

however, it’s not hard for their friends to be understanding or to help them. To message them a week before the agreed plans, then again a few days before and again on the day to remind them and confirm.

And if the friend with ADHD has gotten mixed up and double booked themselves by accident - a good friend would understand that it wasn’t intentional. And a great friend would be the one who took the pressure off them and offered to reschedule, without making them feel bad

@xxx82 I'm NT. To remind someone 3 times that we are meeting, I would have to set reminders in my diary. In exactly the same way a person with ADHD would do. And to continually give slack if they don't show up? No. I treat everyone the same way - a check the night before , or on the day, that we are still meeting. And continual flakiness of no-show or late cancelling, I drop them. I'm not someone's walking diary system.

The only person I'd give that level of leeway to would be a parent with some level of dementia.

I’m ND and I agree that the several checks at different time points is excessive. It would also make me feel like my friend thinks I’m incapable

everyone on mumsnet : OMG SHE HAS ADHD.

No, she’s flaky unreliable and pulled a dick move.

OP - I’d be disappointed too.

Depends how long before the meal was booked. Funerals often Happen within 2/3 weeks of someone passing. She may not have known she would be at a funeral when she organised the dinner

Are you truly just wanting friendship? This just sounds a little intense. It sounds like something a man would say if he wanted something more from a woman.

Never plan or pay for anything with her again.

OTT on your part OP.

Given that you hardly know her I would let her arrange the next meet up. Just leave it and see what happens.

I’d dump her. No question. She could have phoned you before you left.