Is she dead to me or should I be more understanding?

[LadyMarmar]

Can’t believe this really. I struck up a friendship with a woman through a mutual interest group that we’d both joined. I gave her a lift a few tmes & we really hit it off & had a lot to talk about. Met up a couple of times locally for drink / coffee.

Fast forward to today, about 4 months after we first met. Last week I’d invited her to come out to dinner with me to a local restaurant I thought it’d be fun to try. Knowing that she’s not very well off atm (she’s unemployed & on benefits) I said it’d be my treat. She thanked me profusely and said she was really looking forward to it.

So tonight I got to the restaurant ahead of the appointed time. About 5 mins before we were due to meet she called & said the thing was she was at a funeral wake which had gone on longer than she expected. She had many friends there she hadn’t seen for 30 years etc etc. She then said she’d assumed I was with other friends/ family (I’d never said that, & later going back over our WhatsApp messages it had been v clear that tonight was a get together for me & her). I said no, I was in the restaurant alone. She half heartedly said she supposed she could leave the funeral wake & drive on over to meet me but I told her not to worry about it & she sounded relieved & thanked me heartily for being ‘understanding’.

The situation left me feeling disappointed and hurt. I’m pondering whether I want to continue my friendship with her. Yes she is a bit dirzy & scatty (which I don’t normally mind & it makes her who she us) but on the other hand, this was downright thoughtless & rude. So: YABU - cut the woman some slack, she’s had a bereavement & her long term friends have taken priority or YANBU - she has been rude & inconsiderate. I don’t need people like that - she’s dead to me

It is quite a big step to invite a new friend out for dinner, so her flaking is really poor and I wouldn’t invite again. It’s quite different from an old friend you meet for dinner every month flaking once. BUT, is there any chance she felt really uncomfortable about you offering to pay? And she didn’t know how to deal with that but it manifested in her subconsciously sabotaging the plan?

Wakes do not happen on the spur of the moment, with 2 minutes notice. She could easily have called or sent a Whatsapp earlier in the day, the day before, two days before.

I wouldn't be arranging to see her again either, if you come across her at a shared club/hobby then there's no need to cut her dead, but I wouldn't be going beyond the polite and cordial.

Would be annoyed, but also wouldn't have offered to pay for a meal for an acquaintance of a few months. It seems a bit much. If I wanted to see someone who I knew was a bit hard up right now, I'd arrange something cheap/free. I'd also be uncomfortable if someone I didn't know well offered to pay for my meal. It'd be hard to say no, yet I wouldn't quite like the dynamic.

As for her being 'dead to you', that's quite intense.

Does no one else think friend went to funeral, was only planning to go to wake for a short while, but it went on longer than she thought and/or met up with old (school?uni?) friends and lost track of the time. Hence the last minute cancellation. She had fully intended to go for the meal but life got in the way.

I don’t think you could judge flakiness on one occasion.

I'd carry on the friendship if you like her. But I'd not bother arranging dinner again tbh.

I'm always amazed that people on here seemingly would take any excuse at face value. I don't believe she was at a wake. It's the sort of excuse someone would make up because no decent person would call them out on lying about something like that (a bit like 'sick relative'/'family member in hospital' type excuses). She got a better offer, prioritised that, and didn't even think to tell you until the very last minute, possibly keeping you as a back up plan in case whatever she was actually doing wasn't as fun as she thought it would be.
I don't think I'd immediately cut her off, but I wouldn't plan dinner again after that.

I’d keep this to a catch up over coffee if it was me, I’ve very little tolerance for ‘ditzy and scatty.’

Bit of a middle ground surely, before you give her up for dead to you?

You've known her for just a few months, I'd say you're more at the acquaintaces stage than actual friendship,and there's no harm in that. Maybe she doesn't want to take things further, maybe she's just a bit flaky, who knows? Either way, she musy have known earlier than 5 minutes before the appointed time that she wasn't going to make it, so in the respect she was rude to only let you know at thelast second.

Keep it breezy and casual and see how things go.

Well I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say she was dead to me, but I’d certainly be distancing myself and not arranging anything further with her. If she reaches out with a proper apology, wants to arrange something further and you feel you get something from the friendship, then you might want to give her another chance but I certainly wouldn’t be pursuing it myself.
I can’t bear flaky people though. I’m sorry but a funeral it’s not an excuse. The person didn’t die that day (that would have been a reasonable excuse) so she knew it was happening and had plenty opportunity to inform you.

If someone is at a funeral you need to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Also if someone is on a low income don’t offer to pay like that, from my experience it makes the person feel really awkward. Just do things that don’t cost much.

Hope you may still be friends.

I would give her one more chance if I am being honest. The last wake I was at had a full service sit down three course meal that went on for hours. Most people had expected a cup of coffee and a sandwich.

If its,a one off I'd let it slide but not try to arrange the next meet up. See if she arranges it.

Also if she continues to flake out. One of my friends flaked 50:50 and obviously thought it was OK as I let it happen. I'd never do that again. Also I'm not a flaky person but if your a flaky friend I have no problems with blowing you out for a better offer or if it can't be arsed. I'd never do that to anyone else.

Being to understanding solid reliable friend is an invite to take advantage for some people

‘She’s dead to me’ Jeez do people actually speak like this…?!

I don't understand why you wouldn't just carry a small diary and pen in your bag and make a note of your commitments at the time you make them if you know you forget things.

Neurotypical people aren't just remembering everything endlessly in their heads you know.

Ooo I’m usually a lurker on Mumsnet since my kids grew up but this topic resonates!
I’d made 2 friends at my new job in the town I’d moved to yrs ago. In my first week one said to me “we order Thai sometimes for lunch, I’ll do that with you tomorrow” it was her offer and we made plans. So I didn’t take packed lunch. I was at a training all AM and when I went to the office at lunchtime she and another colleague walked right past with homemade salads! She was lovely all day as if nothing was amiss lol. Not mean just flaky! I did become closer with her and the other but after couple yrs I cut them off, it wasn’t good for my mental health. She was flaky all the time and the other was a ditcher. Eg would text to say she’s going for a walk (with the other), I’d ask can I come and she’d say “let me ask”. Then say she’s not going on the walk. That’s not friendship. I would get ditched last min with funerals too! We’d go out and she’d beg cash I’d never see a penny back. I was new, lonely which made me vulnerable and a doormat. Toxic.
Once I got rid I joined book clubs, menopause club, and made local friends on bumble. I make a bigger effort with my friends back home. I have a quiet but positive social life and it’s of my choosing!
Don’t cut her off, it’s new so how much do you know her? But don’t be all over her with big dinner treats. She may not become a close mate but she may be a nice friend to see now and then for certain activities.

If it has upset you then that is valid.
i would be upset too and think she is not someone I would want to spend my time with so not continue the friendship in a non malicious way.

That was flaky of her, but I'd give her another chance.

Supposed "friend" did similar to me recently. She moved houses (about an hour away from me) and invited me over. Only for me to get there to find out she wasn't home. Worse still, tried to ring her and couldn't get through. Must have rang her about 5 times. She called me back about 20 mins after leaving her house, driving on the motorway, and genuinely expected me to turn back now that she's home.

No apologies for not being home, and doesn't understand why i'm upset.

I have binned friendship.

5mins before time meeting?
That's shoddy.

I'd step back abit. If she makes contact and wants to meet up, I'd take it from there but I'd probably not make any great effort.

I just wonder if she has social anxiety and there actually wasn't any wake...

Hmm , I think OP (and if I am wide of the mark please scroll on by) it may be worth considering why you wanted to pay for a meal for a relatively new friend. That's quite intense - her money issues are not your problem to solve.

She was rude, that is not in question but to stop you getting hurt in future perhaps don't go too "all in". If she is skint then do something she can afford.

It was a really sweet gesture, but your attitude perhaps unknowingly smacks a teeny little bit of 'But I was doing her a big favour/treat as she's unemployed, how dare she have cancelled on me'

That aside,regardless it was still rude. I am scatty & flaky, maybe she's like me, I genuinely struggle to keep a clear sense of time and always find it really difficult to extricate myself in social events like funerals and weddings. Also I overestimate my abilities and overthink massively how to let people down resulting in procrastination and a worse outcome.

So my thinking would have guaranteed from disaster from the beginning of the day:

Firstly, in thinking I could possibly do both things funeral + dinner instead of just one

Secondly, in not informing you beforehand that I had the funeral to attend thus at least letting you at least know I might have problems on the day

Not rebooking date.

Going funeral.

At funeral: Starting to question whether I should text that I won't make it, but then thinking texting is ruder than speaking in person, I'll wait till I can phone..hurry up service..oh god the funeral has gone overtime. Can't take out my phone now as rude to guests. Hello Barbara, hello Cathy, hello 1 million other people... Oh now I've actually got a minute it's now a mere bloody 5 minutes until I should have met her. Shit! Shit! Shit!

Something like that.

I mean assuming she's truly at the funeral. I don't think the friendship bodes well. Perhaps it's a bit intense?

She's shown you who she is, now you can carry on the friendship on that basis. Never rely on her, don't put yourself out for her, and don't give her handouts. You are low on her list of priorities so put her even further down yours.

Bin.

Neurotypical people aren't just remembering everything endlessly in their heads you know.

thank you! I’m AuDHD and it gets on my tits - oh but my brain! Surely no ones memory is good enough to bypass basic organisation aids and, if you happen to have the ND added layer, you need to take responsibility and not just shrug and expect everyone to accommodate you when you’re not trying.

My mum does this - didn't tax her car. "Oh i don't know how old people are expected to remember" they aren't mother, they write things down - as do I and am 30 years younger.