another MIL one

[itainthalfhot]

ive not changed the name, as i'm expecting as much of a beating on this post as i got on my last one.

on the last post i missed an important fact on purpose because it bore no relevance to the topic.

my DH and i have 6 children between us, he has 4 and i have 2, so for those doing the math, the DS referred too in my last post is actually DSS. i mention it now as it will answer questions i know i will get. Just to clarify, we don't use the term step children. my children are his children, his children are mine, they are all treated equally. when 1 gets married they receive a cash gift, this gift is the same amount irrespective, when babies came, the same, sex reveal parties, the same, baby showers.. i'm sure you get the idea! All the children know that should they decide on any of the above, that cash gift is there for them. when birthdays come round, they all get a small cash gift, both them and their partners. this gift is not a lot, a token, enough for a meal out as they are adults and its more the gesture than anything else.

I go to church, church has a big impact on my life and has done for many years. my DD's were baptised by their grandfather, and their dads side of the family all hold religious office of one kind or another. my DD's both went to church until they chose not too. it was and is never forced on them and i respect their choices. DH and his children never set foot in a churh in their lives, and were all adults when i came into their lives. They know i have faith and respect that but its not for them which is totally fine.

My DD wants to have baby baptised, even though they themselves no longer attend church, they know how important this is to me and their dads side of the family so therefore its all booked. On this occasion, as the church is only important to me and not to my DH who absolutely does not do the whole church thing I am giving the cash gift on this occasion. The same rule applies, should any of the DC decide to have their babies baptised, then they will receive this gift. I need to make this clear, as i know some will come for me about this, there is zero pressure for the GC to be baptised, its a choice the parents need to make for their children themselves.

Of course you knew there would be a but. DS and DIL are unhappy, they have no plans to baptise their son, but why should they not receive a cash gift just becuase they are not having their baby baptised, and that we should therefore give them a cash gift for their babies 1st birthday party instead! We have pointed out that 3 of our other children have chosen not to marry (yet if at all) and they can't claim their wedding gift based on this, so no, on this occasion!

We do not believe that 1st birthday parties are something we should be paying for, for any of our GC, thats the parents responsibility. We will of course be giving a gift to the baby, what grandparent wouldn't. But if we give cash on this occasion, then in fairness we have to give to all.

AIBU?

What next - a relative who isn't getting married demands a gift equal to what you're giving to a relative who is?

Demanding money like that is. . . not classy, to put it politely. Ignore.

Of course the grandparents shouldn't pay - you paid for your own children's parties.

Parents responsibility.

Just reiterate to them, should they change their mind and baptise their children to cash gift would be the same.

I would also be having a little talk about growing up and not comparing who's had what etc - just be grateful to have a loving family - many of us don't.

It all seems pretty clear, for certain life events (baptism, wedding etc) you choose to give your children a specified cash gift.

If the thing doesn’t apply to them then they don’t get the gift, it is not a difficult concept & your DS is being somewhat cheeky to demand the gift for his child.

I would probably have chosen to put the same amount in a savings account for each grandchild at birth then they all get something but then one of the parents would complain that child X was born a few years prior to theirs and so has more interest and it’s not fair. Essentially some people are CFs and will always find something to complain about, especially where money is concerned.

OP I hope this is sarcasm, you absolutely do not have to contribute to all future birthday parties. WTF I can’t believe the amount of flack you are getting, do people expect you to contribute to 10 year old grandsons birthday party to laser tag when only school friends are invited and no extended family.

OP - many people who don’t do a baptism or naming ceremony do a big family party for their dcs 1st birthday to still have the family event. At 1 they don’t really care/enjoy the party is it is for the grownups.

I got invited to a lot of friends babies first birthday parties but then not subsequent parties.

I do think the problem is you have called it a cash gift. You were never offering money, you were offering to buy the food. They never had the option to take the cash and not cater the party.

Hi OP. This is slightly off the point but in your effort to be fair are you sure you're not being unfair to your two DC. Do your step children get gifts etc from their mother's side of the family. I think I've understood correctly that you're widowed. If so is your children's inheritance from their Dad protected? If not I would rethink this whole system.

Your family set up seems similar to mine. You and your husband would be “My parents” in this scenario.
My parents have 4 kids between them. My Stepmum has 2 and my Dad has 2. They are also church goers.
My Stepbrother has 2 children, non churchgoers didn’t get children baptised. My brother and my stepsister have no children.
i have a son, go to church and got my son christened.
There is absolutely no way that any of my siblings would query if my parents gave a gift to my son or us for the christening (I can’t remember if they did - he’s 19 now!). It’s a gift for a set occasion and would be treated like that.
We understand that different siblings have been given gifts at different times for different occasions, although it’s kept quite private who has been given what and when. But we would certainly never quibble and say you’ve paid for that for them, so you should pay for something for us.
You’re not being unreasonable. It’s a gift for a set occasion, DS is being entitled and grabby.

You are not being unreasonable. You’ve agreed to help with once in a lifetime special occasions. While birthdays are important to children, they happen every year and the cost of the party is for the parents to pay. It’s part of the expense of raising children.
I would also be annoyed if my child started telling me how to spend my money.
Giving money to help with big life events is a lovely thing to do but I imagine the business about the first birthday party, and your child’s sense of entitlement to a share of your cash, is souring it a bit.
People do act strange over money. I’ve seen families tear themselves apart over a small inheritance. It seems to bring out the worst in people.
I don’t know what you can do about it now they all know about your windfall. Like you say, you can’t get into a situation where you are funding all the parties.
I think your post makes perfect sense. Clearly a wedding or a baptism is in a different category to a birthday party.

It's a baptism gift. If they don't get married they don't get the wedding gift. Not sure why they are moaning.

I'm not sure about tying a cash gift to a religious decision to be honest.
I would personally take the policy that the same amount of money is there for each DC and DGC, which will be gifted at a timing that is appropriate for them and their needs, be it wedding, house purchase or other relevant event (exam results, graduation, driving lessons... whatever is needed or relevant to them as an individual), or otherwise will sit on trust for them so if you die without them taking it they will still receive the same as their siblings/cousins have. This allows you to be even handed but also help each of them when they need it, rather than giving an arbitrary gift for 1st birthday or whatever and then refusing when they actually need it.

Op I'm a bit late to this so I hope you see this.

I grew up in Denmark confirmations are a HUGE thing there with big celebrations and large cash gifts.

Of my 4 only ds has chosen to get confirmed. When he did both my father stepdad and sister sent him generous amounts as a gift for his confirmation. His sisters understood that as they had not chosen to have this celebration of their faith this would not be given to them.

We celebrate that moment and decision
We are not "spreading it out evenly" in the suggestion of the 1st birthday they are actively suggesting that 1 grandchildren should not get the same as the others.

Hold firm it doesn't matter if you call it a gift or a contribution. It is for this child's christening and the others have chosen to not have this celebration. So no gift/contribution.

I don't think yabu at all. As another pp said, baptism is a once in a lifetime event whereas birthdays one around every year. There is bound to be a time when your other dgc have reason to celebrate something that the others don't and I'm sure the your ds and Dil wouldn't be happy if all other dgc received the same gift for the sake of evening things out. One may go to university, one might learn to drive, another may achieve something special in another context such as sport, scouting/guiding etc. You would only expect to acknowledge that achievement, not just hand out cash randomly to the others? As far as exams go, personally, I reward effort, not achievement. If someone achieved 9s or 1's, the important thing is that they gave it their very best shot.
It sounds as though for you and your family, baptism is definitely a spiritual occasion, not just an excuse for a jolly up. You speak of church members enjoying a coffee and slice of cake after. That sounds like a true welcome to the church family and imo, is not comparable to a first birthday party.

Why are grown up children asking for money? I wouldn’t dream of asking for anything from my Mum for son. She buys him gifts when she wants to not when I want her to.

my nephews were christened and my parents gave some money towards the christening. My baby was not as we are atheist. I did not think my baby should be compensated for her cousins having a christening. That’s very weird and grabby. My child and presumably theirs will have other occasions on which they are spoiled - and my child (and my
husband and I) also got to enjoy the christening gift as guests.