another MIL one

[itainthalfhot]

ive not changed the name, as i'm expecting as much of a beating on this post as i got on my last one.

on the last post i missed an important fact on purpose because it bore no relevance to the topic.

my DH and i have 6 children between us, he has 4 and i have 2, so for those doing the math, the DS referred too in my last post is actually DSS. i mention it now as it will answer questions i know i will get. Just to clarify, we don't use the term step children. my children are his children, his children are mine, they are all treated equally. when 1 gets married they receive a cash gift, this gift is the same amount irrespective, when babies came, the same, sex reveal parties, the same, baby showers.. i'm sure you get the idea! All the children know that should they decide on any of the above, that cash gift is there for them. when birthdays come round, they all get a small cash gift, both them and their partners. this gift is not a lot, a token, enough for a meal out as they are adults and its more the gesture than anything else.

I go to church, church has a big impact on my life and has done for many years. my DD's were baptised by their grandfather, and their dads side of the family all hold religious office of one kind or another. my DD's both went to church until they chose not too. it was and is never forced on them and i respect their choices. DH and his children never set foot in a churh in their lives, and were all adults when i came into their lives. They know i have faith and respect that but its not for them which is totally fine.

My DD wants to have baby baptised, even though they themselves no longer attend church, they know how important this is to me and their dads side of the family so therefore its all booked. On this occasion, as the church is only important to me and not to my DH who absolutely does not do the whole church thing I am giving the cash gift on this occasion. The same rule applies, should any of the DC decide to have their babies baptised, then they will receive this gift. I need to make this clear, as i know some will come for me about this, there is zero pressure for the GC to be baptised, its a choice the parents need to make for their children themselves.

Of course you knew there would be a but. DS and DIL are unhappy, they have no plans to baptise their son, but why should they not receive a cash gift just becuase they are not having their baby baptised, and that we should therefore give them a cash gift for their babies 1st birthday party instead! We have pointed out that 3 of our other children have chosen not to marry (yet if at all) and they can't claim their wedding gift based on this, so no, on this occasion!

We do not believe that 1st birthday parties are something we should be paying for, for any of our GC, thats the parents responsibility. We will of course be giving a gift to the baby, what grandparent wouldn't. But if we give cash on this occasion, then in fairness we have to give to all.

AIBU?

You have used 2 different user names, your original post was in

itainthalfhot you are now using thursdaymurderclub, hence a name change fail.

So you have changed names. I was actually trying to be nice so all your posts are not connected.

@TheSpoonyNavyReader thank you I'm currently on my iPhone so clearly is logged in on that name...

I created the post on my PC... not really a fail just not very IT literate if it bothered me I would have panicked etc..

Feel free to report! I'll be back home soon if it makes you happier

Goodness you seem a difficult person! Why the comment of I will be home soon if that makes you happier. Does it make you feel better?

I flagged it because some do not want to be identified by different user names.

@TheSpoonyNavyReader I really am not I'm simply trying to say... thank you!

You are the one being argumentative and confrontational..

Again THANK YOU

Yanbu

You are giving out help for set things.

Weddings, christenings, baby showers, gender reveals.

One off events (unless they have more children but still one off for those babies) giving money to support or pay for birthday parties are not one offs they are yearly reoccurring things.

OP - i think the problem is you’ve called it a gift. It’s not, what you are doing is catering a baptism party. This is a normal thing for grandparents to do, but it’s not a gift at all, it’s you covering the party costs.

if one of the other children as an adult decide to be baptised, you could throw them a party. If the other children are not baptised, they don’t need a baptism party.

you aren’t giving a gift, you are funding the after baptism party that is only needed if a child is baptised.

yes thank you i realise that now... i did mean helping towards refreshements, i just put it very badly and i apologise!

thank you... when i replied i was on my iphone... didn't realise it would use that name, i as you can see am now back on my mac!

i do confess to being a little behind on technology! and i apologise for that. i do not believe having 2 or more names on MN is unusual? but if i am wrong i am happy to be corrected.

thank you

You could take the approach that the party is mainly for your benefit (and the child's spiritual wellbeing) and as such you are contributing or even cohosting so that your family and church friends have a nice afternoon. If the other couple are likewise planning a party for your friends and family then you will host that party too.

i can't remember if i have replied to you... so taking your theory into account, and we have well established now that i didn't mean to use the term 'gift'.

i just have to keep handing out money left right and centre? we have 6 children, there will be more GC i do not doubt. at what point do we say enough is enough? at what age do the GC have to be before we stop helping them out?

this makes sense.. im not looking to make excuses or deceive anyone. i made the mistake of using the term 'gift' where i should have said 'help' or 'contribution'.

we of course intend to help or contribute too our childrens big events as they come up. I am sure there are some things that DS and DIL will want for their child that the others don't want for theirs.

if you've read my other post, DIL asked for clothes for the baby, without realising we purchased a large bundle of 2nd hand clothes, and this was met with displeasure because DS and DIL only want brand new, branded clothes for their child (as is their right) and now, we only buy new for them, the other GC's parents are happy for 2nd hand, should be now only buy brand new branded clothes for all?

I paid for dgc baptism celebration.

2nd dgc has not been baptised and dd wouldn’t dream of asking for a cash equivalent. And she wouldn’t get it if she did.

So many dc think they have a say on spending their parents money.

Your DS and DIL are the problem and will continue to be unless you learn to deal with them. They (unfortunately) know you have a nest egg put away which is being used to fund gifts/contributions for your children and grandchildren, they are determined to get as much of this for themselves and will use whatever means necessary to do so. Stand up to them now or you will be battling this forever. The money is yours, no-one should have any say is how it's spent other than you and your husband so please make this known. I've seen similar behaviour in my own family, my parents came into a lot of money through the sale of a business, my younger sibling and I are of the belief it has nothing to do with us but my older sibling has a very different view, he told me that he intends to get as much as possible from my parents despite having little affection for them, he chose to have little to do with our family after he married and despite years of effort we hardly know his children but once the money was in play his children visited my parents twice yearly, on their birthday and at Christmas, on the sole expectation of receiving a cash gift. Put a stop to the expectations held by your dc, the money is yours and you will decide how it's spent, maybe tell them you're planning an extended cruise til it's all gone, that might shut them up. And regarding new brand name clothes for dgc, make sure you spend the same amount on clothes for the others who aren't as fussy, my mother loved shopping in charity shops for children's clothes despite her wealth and my younger sibling and I were very grateful.

to be fair with the designer clothes they have cut off their noses despite their faces... we buy 1 outfit tops every couple of weeks, whereas with the 2nd hand stuff, it WAS designer stuff and we got bags of it for the same money!

both my husband and i regularly shop in charity shops, we love a bargain! we do actually cruise a few times and year and our whole wardrobe is from charity shops.

I didn’t say you owed them a party, not that you have to pay for everything.
I’m simply saying it’s not that crazy for this person to have gone to the GPs who are paying for a party for one baby. You say in your OP you have specifically let them know there is this pot of money available for various lifestyle events for them, so it’s not really out of nowhere for them to say ‘you paid £250 for cake and tea for baby A’s party what about baby B?’
Clarify it’s a post christening party and move on.

to be fair with the designer clothes they have cut off their noses despite their faces... we buy 1 outfit tops every couple of weeks, whereas with the 2nd hand stuff, it WAS designer stuff and we got bags of it for the same money!

Also I’m not sure the relevance of the clothes to this? The further details don’t really paint the couple in as bad of a light as you think.
Every few weeks you gave them bags of charity shop baby clothes? Honestly no one needs that much admin with a young baby.

I have a relative who dumps huge bags from the charity shop on me, a huge rage of baby sizes, season etc. it’s annoying. No one needs vast quantities.
1 outfit every few weeks max is more than enough of a gift from GPs. I’m sure they much prefer that. Plus if the size is wrong it can be swapped when new so it’s actually useful.

im afraid this refers to another post.... i asked what they wanted and needed... they asked for clothes in a certain size.. lots of clothes which is what we got for them not realising they wanted brand new.

i dont just dump things on people.. we communicate with our children and ask what their needs are nothing more nothing less

You and your husband are financial over-sharers, which is the root of all these issues.
The DS that asked if you and your DH were funding the christening tea party -should have been firmly to mind their own business. It's nothing to do with telling lies; it's information they are not entitled to receive !!
Oh OP come on , the children asking for money and information are so rude, it's breathtaking. Get some boundaries in place OP, and stop all this financial over-sharing going forward.
There's a touch of the lady-bountifuls going on here though. That's the impression I'm forming anyway from your posts.

as i said previously... i didnt over-share... DH did. and yes you are right it does need dealing with but thats another thread for another day.

im not sure what you mean by lady-bountifuls... another slur on a caring mother because as we all know they are not allowed on MN are they

Surely there will be other events in time, that not all the grandkids will have, graduations, kings scout award, special sports matches or performances. Things will be celebrated along the way and you'll probably make a call on giving a donation to the party, hopefully in a way that evens it all out between them.

If you were being ordinarily charitable OP I'd concur with you. However, it would seem all your charitable acts are trumpeted about, talked about at length amongst the family causing all this unpleasantness.
I stand by my lady bountiful comment. You strike me as one of those people who enjoy handing out money but with mega strings attached.

well i guess thats just your opinion and we are all entitled to them. im not sure what unpleasantness you speak of or what strings?

Your grandchildren are young, and for now the amounts are small (all this over £250, shameful really). Where will it end? A card with £100 in it by way of congrats to the grandchild who got all A*s in her GCSEs. Will the parents of the grandchild who didn’t do so well expect the same “because they out in just as much effort and it’s not their fault they’re not as clever”?? Wedding gifts for those who marry, but the parents of those who don’t marry will ask for the same because “it’s not their fault they haven’t met someone, in fact they’re more deserving as they’re all alone”? God forbid when it comes to wills.

The ONLY way around this is to shut it down completely. Don’t tell anyone about anything, other than the people directly involved. If they talk amongst themselves and challenge you, have the same stock answer for them all: We’re not going to discuss our financial affairs with any of you.

This is ridiculous already and will only get more ridiculous as the grandchildren grow.

Exactly - because the snippy posts to me made zero sense given that they appeared to me coming from a random person, not the OP.

@Newposter180 I'm afraid I'm back on my phone... the answer was by no means snippy ... but again it's all down to interpretation I guess.

You were talking about graduations and stuff... the babies are currently 2 months and 6 months old! We ARE a long way from graduation should they chose an academic route