another MIL one

[itainthalfhot]

ive not changed the name, as i'm expecting as much of a beating on this post as i got on my last one.

on the last post i missed an important fact on purpose because it bore no relevance to the topic.

my DH and i have 6 children between us, he has 4 and i have 2, so for those doing the math, the DS referred too in my last post is actually DSS. i mention it now as it will answer questions i know i will get. Just to clarify, we don't use the term step children. my children are his children, his children are mine, they are all treated equally. when 1 gets married they receive a cash gift, this gift is the same amount irrespective, when babies came, the same, sex reveal parties, the same, baby showers.. i'm sure you get the idea! All the children know that should they decide on any of the above, that cash gift is there for them. when birthdays come round, they all get a small cash gift, both them and their partners. this gift is not a lot, a token, enough for a meal out as they are adults and its more the gesture than anything else.

I go to church, church has a big impact on my life and has done for many years. my DD's were baptised by their grandfather, and their dads side of the family all hold religious office of one kind or another. my DD's both went to church until they chose not too. it was and is never forced on them and i respect their choices. DH and his children never set foot in a churh in their lives, and were all adults when i came into their lives. They know i have faith and respect that but its not for them which is totally fine.

My DD wants to have baby baptised, even though they themselves no longer attend church, they know how important this is to me and their dads side of the family so therefore its all booked. On this occasion, as the church is only important to me and not to my DH who absolutely does not do the whole church thing I am giving the cash gift on this occasion. The same rule applies, should any of the DC decide to have their babies baptised, then they will receive this gift. I need to make this clear, as i know some will come for me about this, there is zero pressure for the GC to be baptised, its a choice the parents need to make for their children themselves.

Of course you knew there would be a but. DS and DIL are unhappy, they have no plans to baptise their son, but why should they not receive a cash gift just becuase they are not having their baby baptised, and that we should therefore give them a cash gift for their babies 1st birthday party instead! We have pointed out that 3 of our other children have chosen not to marry (yet if at all) and they can't claim their wedding gift based on this, so no, on this occasion!

We do not believe that 1st birthday parties are something we should be paying for, for any of our GC, thats the parents responsibility. We will of course be giving a gift to the baby, what grandparent wouldn't. But if we give cash on this occasion, then in fairness we have to give to all.

AIBU?

That's all you need. A nice ceremony with close family and friends, some light refreshments after and your prayers. It's not Christmas or birthday, no need for gifts (and even that gets out of hand).

well i thank you for your blessing... my GC will recieve a gift! it will be his first bible, and i do not doubt he will receive many many of them from others too... i still have all of mine from many many years ago.

GC may chose the church, and he may not.. and that is his choice!

I won't be buying alcohol and i never understood the need for a specific cake at a baptism.

I am not arguing with anyone, I am responding to your posts that you have asked for people opinions.

You are arguing about its not a party, having a gathering after a christening is called a christening party, and you are providing refreshments for, as I have said could you not just give money/help to your DS for their chosen occasion.

I personally would not bring my child into a church that I did not attend because I have decided that I do not want to practice the faith. It would seem that your DD is doing it out of duty and not faith. Once this christening is over I don't think your Grandchild will attend a church again.

So if it is his choice, why have him christened, you all should wait until he can decide.

the child already goes to church with mums blessing, just not with mum! please never assume something you have no understanding of.

ive used the term baptism several times now... if you are just giving your opions please also be respectful.

just because my DD does not practice.. does not mean she does not want her child too!

this is a faith arguement you and i do not want to get into. how can a child decide if he wants to follow a faith if he is not taken to church to find out?

but anyway... have a lovely day

The party after is optional though, it’s got nothing to do with faith. A baby can be baptised without an additional party after of £250 on tea and cake.

You and I don't want to get into- WOW can you not see what you have written, not very Christian of you.

I answered a point that you made and if you do not see the irony of it, then God help us!........

The OP does not understand that at all....

That's a perfect, suitable gift (connected with the occasion). I still have mine too (and made sure to keep my gran's when we went through her things when she died). Good that you are open to them choosing not to have a faith when they are older - best you can do while they are young is give them a good example about how to live a good moral life and see where they go.
I don't get the cake thing either - we had a nice cake for my daughter as my friend was doing a cake decorating course and wanted to practice. As for the booze - we had some Prosecco but just because we like it.

Obviously they are being unreasonable to demand money at all, but I do think it’s a bit mean to effectively punish those that choose not to baptise as their children won’t receive the same “help”.
I hope there are other milestones available for cash gifts that are not related to marriage and babies, for example achieving degrees or a promotion.

Just say it as it is then, you take GC to church and now you want to parade them around all your church friends in the way of a baptism. Your DD wouldn’t organise the vicar or church and nor would she throw or pay for a party, it’s your party so you are paying in order to make it happen.

But the justification your your other child is strange, you’ve essentially told them it’s essential to have cake after a christening therefore you’re paying for it, but cake for 1st birthday is optional. It’s a weird set of rules so I don’t think you can be annoyed that they didn’t immediately know this.

Of course ... but we are a few years away from that!

I think your kids are treating you like a cash point! The moment my adult dc started demanding my money and behaving as if they had an entitlement to it, would be the moment I stopped giving it to them!

In your attempt to be supportive of their life events, you've unfortunately created a situation where your dc are all desperate to make sure that none of their siblings are getting an extra leg up - it's not nice and it needs nipping in the bud.

I would remind my dc that they have received support for weddings or other events that a sibling has not, that treating children fairly does not mean always treating them exactly the same and that your money is not theirs to divvy up as they see fit!

And tell your husband to stop over sharing. Your finances are your own business - your kids do not need to know everything!

Where does it say she won't? I've clearly stated she asked how to do it?

Are my children now also not allowed to ask help?

Honestly no idea what you’re taking about. Are you the OP?

How? Surely the vast majority of people would have academic achievements before marriage and babies? My point was just that relationships and family aren’t for everyone, it doesn’t make them lesser and other milestones should also be celebrated by wider family IMO.

OP don't get drawn into discussions about whether your grandchild should be baptised and the importance of whether your dd attends church - it is irrelevant. Your dd has decided to baptise her baby and that's her prerogative. You have decided to support her in that, which is also your prerogative.

Your other dc don't need the support which you are giving to your dd since they are not doing this particular event themselves. End of!
They just don't want your dd to get something they aren't getting. Even though they have no need of it. That's what you have to address - their sense of unfairness and entitlement. I'm trying to be scrupulously fair, you've inadvertently created a situation where some of your kids have become grabby. That needs shutting down.

I mean, you could give the dc with the baby's birthday party a cash gift, but then they'd complain if you did the same for your DD's baby because she'd already had help with the baptism. It's a never ending spiral of competition

YANBU. You contribute towards an event, so if the event doesn't happen then of course you aren't going to give them any money because they don't have the costs of the event.

They appear very ignorant and entitled.

@Newposter180 what do you mean how?

How do I know? My youngest DD is graduating in November... she is neither married, has a house or children.

Of course she will have the event marked in a way she chooses and we shall offer whatever help she requires and will receive a gift.. not always money?

Your question is pointless

The (adult) child demanding money for their child's birthday is the unreasonable one. It is your money and it is so rude to start putting claims in. My sister got married several years ago and my parents contributed significantly to this. I have no idea of the exact sum and would never ask. And I would never in a million years demand an equivalent contribution towards my personal expenses!

Make sure you have a will OP because when you/your partner pop your clogs, unless things are written down specifically, your 6 children are going to start putting in claims for future birthdays, weddings, holidays, driving lessons, parties etc before the money is divvied up or else the grabby ones are going to fall out over who gets the dining table or some other such nonsense.

Is this a Name change fail, you may want to ask MN to delete

Going back 13 years now my oldest was baptised, we have a big family and also the church is big. I think we were around the £300 mark for cake (one of the £50 Greggs ones) and food and refreshments. We then made a donation to the church as well. Similar with my middle daughter. Their Dad was a church elder though, my youngest hasn’t been baptised even though offered at birth and neither me nor her dad are religious.

@TheSpoonyNavyReader not really just different devices... if MN want to delete they can do.

My original post says name not changed... nothing to hide