another MIL one

[itainthalfhot]

ive not changed the name, as i'm expecting as much of a beating on this post as i got on my last one.

on the last post i missed an important fact on purpose because it bore no relevance to the topic.

my DH and i have 6 children between us, he has 4 and i have 2, so for those doing the math, the DS referred too in my last post is actually DSS. i mention it now as it will answer questions i know i will get. Just to clarify, we don't use the term step children. my children are his children, his children are mine, they are all treated equally. when 1 gets married they receive a cash gift, this gift is the same amount irrespective, when babies came, the same, sex reveal parties, the same, baby showers.. i'm sure you get the idea! All the children know that should they decide on any of the above, that cash gift is there for them. when birthdays come round, they all get a small cash gift, both them and their partners. this gift is not a lot, a token, enough for a meal out as they are adults and its more the gesture than anything else.

I go to church, church has a big impact on my life and has done for many years. my DD's were baptised by their grandfather, and their dads side of the family all hold religious office of one kind or another. my DD's both went to church until they chose not too. it was and is never forced on them and i respect their choices. DH and his children never set foot in a churh in their lives, and were all adults when i came into their lives. They know i have faith and respect that but its not for them which is totally fine.

My DD wants to have baby baptised, even though they themselves no longer attend church, they know how important this is to me and their dads side of the family so therefore its all booked. On this occasion, as the church is only important to me and not to my DH who absolutely does not do the whole church thing I am giving the cash gift on this occasion. The same rule applies, should any of the DC decide to have their babies baptised, then they will receive this gift. I need to make this clear, as i know some will come for me about this, there is zero pressure for the GC to be baptised, its a choice the parents need to make for their children themselves.

Of course you knew there would be a but. DS and DIL are unhappy, they have no plans to baptise their son, but why should they not receive a cash gift just becuase they are not having their baby baptised, and that we should therefore give them a cash gift for their babies 1st birthday party instead! We have pointed out that 3 of our other children have chosen not to marry (yet if at all) and they can't claim their wedding gift based on this, so no, on this occasion!

We do not believe that 1st birthday parties are something we should be paying for, for any of our GC, thats the parents responsibility. We will of course be giving a gift to the baby, what grandparent wouldn't. But if we give cash on this occasion, then in fairness we have to give to all.

AIBU?

I don't think a cash gift is appropriate for a Christening really under these circumstances and all these cash gifts for every occasion seem a bit formulaic and have led to an unhealthy expectation.

Depends on how much it is really. Guessing £50 would not be noteworthy but something like £1K - well I can see why that has lead to some grabby claims of unfairness.

SIL has her children baptised - we didn't. It didn't even occur to me to think her children getting an extra gift, and I have no idea what PIL gave as a gift. I just know what we gave. We didn't have the expense of paying for a Christening so I'm sure we could've levelled it if were were bothered at all out of that saved money. Maybe a bit of over-sharing going to too? Likewise PIL gave us £1K for our wedding - I suspect SIL got more but that is really not our business and I definitely don't want to know!

@itainthalfhot you're not being unreasonable at all! I never took money for anything from my dad (he was a single parent) once I became an adult, not for a car, the deposit on my first house, the birth of my child... nothing. I think it's massively self entitled to act that way. You are choosing to contribute towards life events for your children which is generous enough, and if these events don't happen there shouldn't be a cash alternative option for any of them! Like you said, some will get married, some will have baby showers, gender reveals etc, and some will have baptisms, you can't pay for every hypothetical event for all of them, that would be ridiculous!

as ive just said, its to help towards food/buffet, its not THE gift

Exactly though. So they are getting a gift for the christening plus you are paying towards the party. Not sure why you take such great offence to the other child asking about contributing towards the party for their baby also. It doesn’t seem that outrageous that they would ask given you’re contributing to one party and according to your post have made it quite clear to them there is a put of money available for various celebrations.

Totally reasonable OP. It’s money towards the costs of the specific celebration event. No event, no money. The baptised child will presumably also have a first birthday party that her / his parents will sort out?

Out of interest, if one of the non-religious families were holding a naming day celebration for their child, would you contribute to that? I know some people do this. (My guess is that you would, as it’s more that this is a significant one off event support thing, rather than a “support only for religious institutions” thing).

oh gosh we are talking £250 tops... and as i have already replied, i shouldnt have used the term gift.. its help towards refreshments.. because as we all know us church people like a cuppa and cake after everything! we will of course buy an appropriate christening gift

baby naming... i am so glad you asked! yes the same would apply, help with the costs absolutely.

but its not for me to approach DS and DIL to suggest it, i never suggested the baptism DD came to me with for help on how to get one booked in as she knows i attend church and she doesn't.

i have not mentioned baptism too DS or DIL because its not for me to force things on them, they are invited too their nephews therefore they have 'assumed' there would be financial help... our bad in hindsight but like i say my DH can't hold his own water 😂

If you were just giving a christening gift then I would understand but you are also paying for food for the christening party, so should pay for food at other parties to keep it fair.

Your DD could just get the child christened and not have a party, just like you think that your son and DIL should not have a party for their child's first birthday as they cant afford.

I was with you about the gift and then you are saying you will help out with catering etc.

hang on at what point did i say they can't afford a 1st birthday party? they are already planning the big first birthday.

if they came to us and said they can't afford a 1st birthday party then a conversation would have to be had, with both sets of grandparents! (there are no grandparents on DD's husbands side sadly)

all the other children, should they have GC I would also expect them to pay for their own childrens first birthday parties too.

by your theory, it appears that grandparents have to pay for every GC's party for the rest of their lives? or am i misunderstanding you?

Well that changes it a lot - paying c. £250 towards the expense of hosting a Christening (an extra family event) that the whole family will enjoy is a generous and kind thing to do and I've got no idea why your other children feel hard done by. Then all parents pay for their child's first birthday.

Your other threads have said that they are having financial difficulties. Which you allude to.

If you are going to contribute to one event for food, you should do one event in the interest of fairness.

They’re contributing to one off events, not funding all the family birthday parties from here to eternity.

so just to clarify... if i contribute too the refreshments of the baptism for DD, i should contribute only to the birthday parties of the those GC that are not baptised?

lol well it looks like i must now doesn't it.... i honestly didn't know paying for GC's first birthday celebrations was a thing for Grandparents! so it looks like i need a conversation with DH

Where have I said they would be funding all family birthday parties, I have said that they should do the first birthday party as they have contributed to the christening party that is not needed.

The Op has stated that they are fair and equal, in gift giving and helping out, the OP has decided to contribute for food at the christening but is not going to for a first birthday.

Also the OP has dripped feed the thread, as I read it in the first few posts she was talking about a gift not the contribution to food.

I have had both my children baptised, and we are a churchgoing family. Made it quite clear that we don’t expect gifts and certainly not cash. Neither was there is big piss up party afterwards. I likewise don’t give cash for other children’s baptisms. Totally against the point of the occasion.
My DH was brought up catholic and he thinks likewise about first communions. Vulgar amount of money spent on a young child who barely understands what’s going on. He had classmates taken to Disneyland and given thousands as presents. I am CofE but we will have our feet firmly on the ground with our own family.

You seem very focused on money, using the term "cash gift" so much. I don't know what my parents gave my nephew for his christening, if they gave anything at all. I also don't know what they gave siblings and cousins for their weddings, birthdays, Christmas. It sounds as though you make announcements of your largesse, which shouldn't be in keeping with your Christian faith....

A baby's first birthday party consists of £10 on cake ingredients and a bottle of cheap fizz.
You sound nauseatingly obsessed with spending money. Like my own mother.

Yes as then its fair, which you have said that you are all for.

I do not understand why the need to contribute to the christening party anyway, £250 is a lot for tea and cake, its about the christening not the party.

Why is refreshments after a christening not needed? are you suggesting that people are invited too the baptism, to travel some a long way, some guests will be members of the church congregation... and after the baptism we say thanks for coming... see you later bye?

The OP has not drip fed anything, just worded wrongly... its hardly a drip feed is it?

I thank you for you comments... you keep using the term Party... a baptism is a celebration in faith, not a Party...

I'm guessing you don't do the whole faith thing, and that is entirely your choice.

Oh hell... i need a cake? and fizz??? looks like i need to change the budget 😂😂. thanks for you comments

as i said in my original post.. i knew poeple would come for me. I am aware that i used the term when i should have said contribtion towards refreshments, i apologise with all of my heart for this error or as it has been called 'drip feed'

there have been no annoucements of largesse... please don't come at me for my faith. i have given an explaination as to why our children know about our other contributions.. which you have chosen to ignore.

for this particular event, DS asked his DD if we were contributing, and he was told yes because we do not lie to our children.

but thank you for your comments

The christening is the celebration of faith, the party (tea and cake at £250.00) is not needed then, you have offered to pay for some of the catering which is not needed but you want to do it.

As I have said if you were buying a gift for your grandchild ie a bible, piece of jewellery then your DS and DIL would not have a leg to stand on but you are providing refreshment for the event after the christening.

Also as you have stated your DD has no faith and does not attend church why is she even having a christening, my bet is she wants a get together for the family to meet the baby. IE a party.

yeah i dont think £250 max (although apparently i now need a cake and some fizz) is quite disney land!

there was no expectation from my DD, all she needed was help with how to book the Abbey/Vicar, which as you know is free. i offered to help with refreshments, because as you will know, the church family is large and there will be people there even my DD and her husband do not know.

her (dead father) and his family are all from the church. just because SHE does not attend church does not mean she does not care about her childs religious upbringing. she herself was baptised by her own grandfather in his own church as was her sister. the godparents are not just their 'besties', they also have strong religious views and habits. she wants her child bringing into the church, is there something so wrong with that?

but you argue away all you like..