AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

So to all those who say that the whole extended family should embrace mother and daughter (and part of me feels the same), what happens if OP 's brother comes out of prison and refuses to be in the same house as the women who he left and who lied to him about the child?

Because whatever you think about OP and her other brother's attitude, he is the person that matters. Are his parents going to choose this woman and child over their own son, the victim of her lies?

ETA that maybe you could answer this, @RedToothBrush

When my parents ask if they can bring them or tell me they are bringing them I always say yes without a fuss. But they weren’t invited to our older child’s christening. I didn’t want to spend the day explaining this to hubby’s extended family and I also think she might not have been comfortable with that herself.

I agree with this.

No one likes being deceived.

Your parents can invite them to their home but they are very UR to expect you to invite them to your home.

We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.'
This is judgemental and unnecessary, all you needed to say was, we're very different people and don't have anything in common. The fact you've felt you needed to post about her lack of education and her intelligence is judgemental. Nowhere does it feel like you're worried about S. You wouldn't exclude her from your family invites as you've said you do in your OP if you were actually concerned for her well being.

Wow

I wonder if your parents are so busy engaging this relationship at the cost of your family bonds, and pushing their addenda, that they almost promise this woman and child are family and you embarrass them by acting like they’re not (I know they’re not) It may also worry you what will happen when your brother who needs support is let out of prison and no longer has a safe space to be round family?

My first thought here is probably your parents have no idea about your thoughts or feelings, or that they don’t actually care?

She was smart enough to trick a man into thinking her baby was his. I wouldn’t warm to her either.

You actually wrote this out loud? Read it back. Do you not realise how utterly horrible you sound?

Your parents are great.

She told me herself she wanted to believe my brother was the dad.
She wasn't raped by the bio dad.
If her actions paint her in a bad light, I guess that's on her. I merely stating facts.

Like she’d tell you if she were!! You’re hardly her BFF. Everything you do know about her you have weaponised against her.

Your parents are great

@NewFriendlyLadybird , the parents who prevented the mother from having the abortion she planned, because of their religion?

There are things I admire about their commitment to the child, but I wouldn't call then great.

There's more to family than blood.

So you don't know if she lied as there was a possibility your bother could have been the father.

No idea what point you're trying to make mentioning rape, although puzzled why you think she, or anyone, would confide in you.

We’re all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest. Can’t engage in any conversations, she still feels like a stranger who gets to join every gig.'

Well your poor communication skills are on you.

Their son is blood. And he's going to come out of prison to find that the woman who tricked him and the child that she lied about, have taken his place at the family table.

Well (a) we don't know if she "tricked" him - she may genuinely have thought he was the father and

(b) There's nothing whatsoever to suggest his parents won't have a place for him- if anything the evidence would suggest there will be.

We're all highly educated, successfully people and she is, sorry to say, not the brightest.

Are you sure? Maybe re read your OP back to yourself before making wild statements like this. Most highly educated people have much better sentence structure and the common sense not to spout shit like this. Also what a nasty attitude. Your parents love this little girl. She's very lucky to have that stability in her life considering all the junkies she surrounded with. Thank god my grandparents, who were also not related by blood, didn't think like you and your judgemental 'highly educated' wider family.

Why would be want to be in the same room as this woman? Seriously?

I can't imagine being treated appallingly by a man, and coming back after an eight year absence to find that he'd become part of my family.

At best she knew that she'd been unfaithful to him, and that someone else could possibly be the father. But didn't tell him.
At worst, she knew that he probably wasn't, but told him (and his family) that he was, and would have continued deceiving them had he not taken the test.

when did the child go back to the mum?

You sound like an utter knob. The end.

What?

When did the child's mum regain custody of her? The OP mentioned the GPs took her as a baby, but when did she return to the mum?

You have it wrong. Her previous three children were removed from her.

This time, OP 's parents
...supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild

They didn't take the child from her

Ooh, fair bit of invention there. There's very little in this sorry story to say the violent, junkie brother was treated "appallingly" by the mother.

The only solid fact is the mother must have had sex with another man as well as the brother. It was no doubt a chaotic relationship on both sides due to alcohol and drugs and probably violence. Who knows what the circumstances were of the conception or why another man was involved. I bet the relationship with the brother wasn't a loving, stable, committed relationship. OP has decided the woman lied. We don't know if she lied or made a mistake.

From what the OP has told us it's very unlikely the parents won't have a place for their son.

Short and to the point.

Why say she wasn't raped by the bio dad? What a peculiar thing to say, would it make you feel better about her if she was? She had a chaotic and dysfunctional life, was an alcoholic, was with your drug addict brother none of that is healthy. You excuse your brother for his misdeeds due to falling into the wrong crowd, drug addiction, criminality and mental health issues you don't paint him in a bad light and merely state facts do you?

You want her to be held responsible for her failings but excuse your brother his. She is not the one serving a lengthy prison sentence, she is not the one who threatened someone with a weapon in the course of a robbery she has turned her life around but still that is not good enough she still has to be painted as being bad and irredeemable.