AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

If I were cleverer I'd like to express that along the lines of if:

T=34 x (E64 + J63) - Y48 +(OP31 + V32)

What is S8.

I'm sure a mathematician could provide the correct equation.

FFS @Happygoluckywifey I think S8 can only = poor kid and thank goodness for your parents.

You are not being unreasonable, but you need to understand their psychology and work with it. They feel they saved S’s life and they may even feel they saved Y’s soul. There is a spiritual bond there and, probably, a sense of responsibility. Not sure how you handle it, but recognising this is probably the first step.

At best she knew that she'd been unfaithful to him, and that someone else could possibly be the father. But didn't tell him

You've invented that part as well. We have no information one way or another what she told him, beyond she thought he was the father. She may or may not have told him about the other man.

We’re all highly educated, successfully people

This.

I don’t even understand the post. Also, most educated, successful people would also have more compassion and be able to communicate with people of all abilities better than this .

Agree but there’s nowt that can be done now, the child is here

I think you don’t like this ex-junkie, and her daughter who possibly has FAS, because they remind you of the things you don’t like about your own family — because you’re not all intelligent, ‘respectable’ and upwardly-mobile, are you?

You have a violent, junkie convicted criminal brother who was in a relationship with another addict whose life was so chaotic that she’d lost custody of previous three children by different fathers before she conceived a child by the man she was two-timing your brother with, and your uneducated, highly religious parents persuaded her not to terminate the pregnancy. You’re alarmed by the child’s low intelligence because it reminds you of the chaotic circumstances of her conception. And you didn’t invite them to your older child’s christening because you’re ashamed of what their presence at family gatherings says about your family to your DH’s family.

I agree with this ^ .
I don’t think it’s strange that you don’t see this girl as a part of the family. She is not, in the circumstances you’ve described, and you are obviously not the only one in your extended family who feels like this. Her mum is not a relative to you in any way and you have nothing in common. Would you be a friend with mum if she was your neighbor? No. You would be civil and polite, that’s all. And atm you are polite and friendly when you both are invited to your parents which is more than enough.
Your parents are the main problem here as they are prioritising religion and I suspect you will likely have more disagreements with them down the line. I wouldn’t invite mum and little girl to the christening as you need to draw a line somewhere however your parents might react really strongly. It’s like they are able to choose this girl over their daughter and her children just to prove the point.

Your parents are very big hearted people to.continue loving and caring for this little lost girl. They give her affection and stability when her parents don't.

You consider yourself educated and successful and the child not. She's not bright, you say, she can't engage in conversations. Most little girls can't. And it may be that she senses your hostility and can't talk to you.
It would do you a world of good to take a lesson on being a fine human being.

You are so proud to say that your other relatives are with you in thinking the situation weird. You are actually criticising your parents for not thinking like you
Can't you see that your parents are one in a million not to abandon this child? Show some respect.

I was going to say exactly the same thing. Claims to be highly educated but her sentence structure and grammar is absolutely appalling. I would never usually judge someone for poor grammar but if you make a statement declaring that you’re highly educated when you clearly aren’t then you open yourself up to criticism in my book. In fact, the way you go on about this woman and her daughter being so uneducated therefore difficult to converse with and understand is frankly laughable when the majority of your post is incoherent.

As for the rest of the debacle, OP you’re not any more worthy than they are and if you can’t be kind about a child and feel the need to laud the fact that she has educational struggles over her then it’s probably for the best that you keep your distance. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that you’re not emotionally intelligent either because if you were you wouldn’t talk about a child with such disgraceful contempt and children will often pick up on those who have a disliking for them. You don’t need to have her call you her Aunt but at least show your parents the respect and allow them to call her their granddaughter without question because they’ve made their decisions which they have every right to as you have made yours.

Well the conversation part was meant more about the mom. Obviously, kids still learn.
She is perfectly verbal. As I said, I’m always friendly and she even told my mom she loves coming to my house as it’s always so much fun. You are all really making this up and missing the point.

I am actually openly criticizing my parents, is that forbidden ? Do they have a claim on being in the right just because they’re older ? I also think respect isn’t a one- way street. They have hidden the paternity from the rest of the familyfor months to be able to steamroll us with this on Christmas Eve back then just so they could strong arm us into their agenda.
I am an adult and don’t owe other people to cross my boundaries just because they did the bare minimum raising me.

Just to repeat it since I can’t expect everyone to read the whole thread: English isn’t my first language, I’m on the phone tending to a baby once it wakes so I won’t bother making this perfect for the grammar police. In my home country (again not UK) I have the highest formal education one can reach, believe it or not.

I wouldn’t have mentioned the intelligence, hadn’t someone said: „Come on, what do you mean, how are you different“.
Our life paths are so different as well as our current situations that there are hardly any topics presenting themselves for a conversation. It’s just awkward small talk. that’s really all there is to it. No superiority complex, you are making this up.

Someone said I don’t worry about S. I would if I had to, but I don’t feel I need to, she’s safe and sound folks.
I never even said I dislike mother or daughter. They are friendly I have nothing to bring against their demeanor.

I suggest you holy people go to a random supermarket, pick a random person and invite them to every family gathering for the rest of your entire lifes, In my case that’ll be another good 50 years. See how you and your family like it.

It’s my life and I have a right to live it for myself the way I like it. It isn’t my only purpose in life to please other people.

Just have to put this right, I’m not ashamed of them. Just like with my older brother I learned to accept this as something that doesn’t have anything to do with the person I am. I earned my place and it isn’t threatened by anyone or anything. My in laws know the story.
I’m just tired of explaining all this mess, which I never asked to be dragged into.

Hubby‘s extended family is indeed a little snobbish and I wanted to spare her the judgment and I also refuse to lie for anyone.
I have no problem with the fact that my parents and grandparents aren’t educated. Those were different times with limited possibilities. I’m sure they would have made it too with the options I had. Again, I’m not better than them. They are wonderful people overall and I respect everyone for their individual strengths. My granny can’t even read and I love her to pieces and of course she’s invited to everything as are my parents.

Sorry to say, you have no idea how wrong you are. They are far more likely to live in their own little world.
At my current work place we’re all academics and you wouldn’t believe how little understanding of the real world and common folks problems they have. Since I know both worlds, I notice that all the time. Just think of politicians. No compassion there at all.

Well, my older brother will probably be received, but they wouldn’t make her stay away at his or anyone else’s request.

I‘m rather sure my parent‘s wouldn’t choose me over mom and daughter and that’s the reason I never confronted them about it. I‘d like for my kids to at least know their grandparents, even if they will only ever be second our third fiddle to them. They have my in laws still where they’re the only grand children.

They broke up way before she was born and he was never a father figure for her.
So for my younger brother and me at this point she’s like my parent‘s friend who gets into all family affairs.
As I said, I don’t do lies and I will always be age appropriately honest with my kids.

The whole thing doesn’t matter enough to me to make such an effort to keep them apart. Since I don’t even dislike them strongly (just not love them like family) I have no reason to go out of my way to avoid them.
I don’t even ask my parents to not invite them, I just don’t want to invite them myself that’s it.

Why say she wasn't raped by the bio dad? What a peculiar thing to say, would it make you feel better about her if she was?

To be fair to OP the idea was brought up by a PP who suggested that the bio dad may have raped the mum. No, I don't know where said PP got the idea either. But that's why the OP is clarifying.

What a tricky dynamic. I think you‘re doing the best you can in the situation.

The relationship is between your parents and the mother/daughter combo. Whatever their agenda and motivations, they have given the little girl the stability her older siblings clearly didn’t have and have helped the mum, too. As they pressured against the planned abortion, all credit to them for continuing to support the girl and her mother so well.

I think continuing to see them as ‚Granny & Grandad‘s friends‘ is the right approach. I don’t invite my parents’ friends to my events. As you‘ve noticed, your parents‘ friends may tag along anyway. You sound caring and attentive when you see them at your parents‘ events.

Ideally, an honest conversation setting out your relationship to them with your parents would be good. I do wonder whether they would be receptive to that, though. I suspect their different values would make it difficult to see your valid perspective.

Do you maybe come from a culture with a looser understanding of family than our Northern European blood relations/ 2,4 kids? In a former colleague’s Arabic family, for example, her father regularly adopted random people into the family, mostly long-term. (Can’t remember father‘s country of origin).

If you haven’t already, you may well benefit from therapy to unpack your family dynamics and what that has meant for you growing up and beyond.

To the issues at hand: No, you don’t have to invite these two to your events. Phrases could include ‘immediate family only’.

For your children: they‘re Granny and Grandad‘s friends, Y & S. Later vocabulary could be ‘like godparents’ or ‘like an aunty, but she’s not mine, V & T‘s sister‘ (aunty is also an honorific, isn’t it). Much later: ‘Granny and Grandad had space in their home and hearts once we siblings had grown up, so decided to help Y & S.’.

Two elephants in the room which aren’t your job to remove is a) What does S believe about her paternity and b) what will happen if your brother completes his rehab (and associated sentence) and comes out? For me that would be another reason to have certain boundaries between you and your parents’ friends.

Good luck!

Someone suggested it in this thread and as far as I have been informed, it didn’t happen but again, I could have been lied to but what would have been the point.

I’d still feel the same way since it would still be odd to have strangers at every family event.

She’s not a stranger though! She’s been involved with the family for 8 years now, if she feels like a stranger that’s on you.

Would you think it was okay if your sibling didn’t want your husband invited to any family events since he’s a stranger to them??

even if they will only ever be second our third fiddle to them. They have my in laws still where they’re the only grand children.

And there it is! As I said right at the beginning of this thread, if all comes down to jealousy. Children don’t need to be the only grandchildren to be loved. Children actually enjoy having family around, particularly cousins. But you clearly have a chip on your shoulder about this girl being less than and it bothers you that your parents are acting like she’s a grandchild whereas now you have the “real” grand children you want them to dump her and make you feel special.

I gave these examples as someone questioned you could not tell she wasn’t bright. Yes, you can tell at 8 years old. Of course I feel sorry about that but I think she will have a fulfilled life anyways. But again, that’s not really the point anyway. The question wasn’t if they are good enough, that doesn’t matter, the question was if I should invite them because they have relations to us when I feel they don’t.

I would imagine that your parent's reaction to all this is bound up in their grief at what happened to your brother and him ending up in prison.

My son is adopted OP, no blood ties to me at all yet here I am loving him in he same way any parent loves their child. She has no blood ties to you so you just don't love her. I hope my family don't feel that way. Your parents sound absolutely gorgeous examples of human beings with lots of love to give. That little girl is their family too blood or not. You sound like a jealous child and now you are about to potentially ruin a child's relationship because of your feelings. How would you feel if you were that little girl on he outside looking in? No one wants you in their family because you are not blood tied. Jesus you are cold.

Thanks for your comment, you got exactly what this was about !
Of course I am always friendly when I meet them. Question was do I have to go out of my way to invite them to everything. I think you can be part of a family without having to be at every gig much like you would get some one on one time with your children individually.

They don’t feel like a relation because you perhaps have no intention of ever considering them this way unless something like adoption paperwork forces this. When my parents divorced I didn’t expect my non bio dad’s parents to stop being my grandparents because I wasn’t ‘blood’ and there was no longer a marriage link. Thank god they were caring and able to step above this type of behaviour. Obviously you don’t have to invite them and perhaps sometimes you don’t invite anyone beyond your immediate family but would it really hurt you to be more inclusive where you can be?

With the adoption you have created legal ties just like with a marriage. That would be really all I needed to embrace them as actual family. Now to me they are just friends of my parents who I am expected to invite to everything.