AIBU to not feel like my parents chosen grandchild is part of the family

[Happygoluckywifey]

I (32f) have two brothers, T(34m) and V(31). We come from a lower middle class family, but we’re all smart and V and I both graduated from university and live a stable live married with children.

V has had a drug problem in a very long time and has been living a very unstable life. Finally, he was arrested and is currently in prison.
Before he was arrested, he had a girlfriend Y(48f). Y has had a problem with alcohol and lost custody of her three children from three different dads to the respective grandparents.

Shortly after my brother T was arrested, Y realized she was pregnant and claimed T was the father. She thought about terminating the pregnancy but my parents J(62f) and E(63m) as deeply religious people talked her out of it. They supported her throughout the pregnancy, helped her find a small apartment, she got sober and gave birth to a baby girl S(8f). My parents who didn’t have any other grandchildren at that point, treated her like a grandchild and my brother V and I treated her as a niece, although we lived far away and din’t have much contact as she was still a baby.

When Y claimed child support, my brother questioned paternity and a DNA test was done through the court. The test came back negative, my brother T wasn’t the father.
When my parents learned about the test results , S was already 18 months old.
Y told us on Christmas Eve, although I later learned from my grandmother, that my parents had already known for months at that point and I felt manipulated by the timing of telling us. My brother V and me just nodded it off awkwardly back then.

My parents then just decided for themselves, they wanted to keep everything as it was and kept treating S as their grandchild.

My brother V and I have stopped calling us aunt or uncle but otherwise treat Y and S respectfully. They are friendly but don’t fit in very well with us, we have absolutely nothing in common. They are at every family gathering at my parents place, every family holiday. My parents have S stay with them for weeks on end during summer breaks.
Just when my grandmother, my brother or my husband and I are hosting, we don’t invite them, which causes tension with my parents.
Now my brother and I have both had kids who are started getting attached to S and I feel like I have to make a decision to embrace them or not and what to tell S and my children who they are to each other.

I don’t want to punish S since it’s not her fault she doesn’t have family but I also think it was wrong of my parents to push this on us.
So AIBU to feel like S and Y are not part of the family ?

This is a big part of my thinking too. Perhaps there would be no child without them. It is cruel to both mother and child to disown them now.

Your parents are the kind of amazing and compassionate people every child should be privileged to have in their life 👏🏾.

I also believe highly educated people are able to have some level of conversation with people from all walks of life, so you may be confusing pompous with bright.

Surreal, where is your heart OP? Words escape me

Have you included her up until now?

Should I then ask if they are invited and when it’s a yes immediately turn down any invitation to let’s say Christmas at my parents ? Wouldn’t that be extra rude and hurtful ?

I understand why you don't want to go along with the pretence that this child is a cousin to your kids, and that you don't want to pressured into playing happy families with your brothers ex.

It sounds as if her mother decieved your brother, and your parents. Up to your parents to fill a grandparent role if they like, and they are probably worried that she could stop them seeing the child they bonded with when they thought your brother was the father. It's unfair of them to expect you and your brother to go along with it, especially as your other brother, the supposed father, doesn't have a relationship with her.

I understand why sometimes you would like time with your actual family, without your brothers ex and her child along, so I think it's reasonable that you don't invite them when you host family gatherings, while continuing to be civil when you're at family gatherings organised by your parents.

I suspect that there is some resentment that this mother and child are the latest in your parents charitable causes, which they seem to have prioritised over you and your brothers when you were growing up.

As I said unless you want to stop your own children seeing their family at family gatherings and come off as an arse both to them and to your family, you cannot leave her out, she’s a little girl who looks to your parents as her grandparents and hasn’t done anything wrong.

If you claim to care about the girl, are nothing but nice to her (apparently) why on earth would you refuse to go to your parent’s home for Christmas due to her presence?!

Thank you so much for this comment, I think you nailed it!

Well, @Happygoluckywifey your post about “highly educated” and “not the brightest” just confirmed the opinion of most posters - you are a petty little snob. I’m sure you can arrange some events with V without having to include Y and S if it irks you so much but you can’t really dictate who your parents choose to include in their family get togethers.

Fact is, she (S) could’ve been the offspring of super bright jailbird T and former drunk Y, while still not being raised by him because him being incarcerated for her whole life made this impossible. Then she WOULD be your niece and your parents’ grandchild.

So, is the blood connection the decider or the lack of intelligence of the mother (and/or child) the issue?

Your parents seem to be decent people. They are supporting the now sober Y and S because they have created a bond, a family connection they feel is real. Perhaps they feel some kind of obligation to Y because they urged her to continue the pregnancy when she wanted to terminate - they may have told her they would help. I’m sure you would have said if you felt your parents were depriving you or your kids of something because of their involvement with Y and S. Who knows, perhaps one of your kids will grow up to be poor conversationalists who are dumb as shit too. Will you not invite them to events for this reason?

That was a question since someone suggested I should not attend any gatherings where they are present if they bothered me.
I don’t think it makes sense and I don’t think it would be fair to deprive my kids of memories with their family over this.

Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them.
Unfortunately the way you are expressing them, and the reasons behind them, seem to be snobby and a bit mean.
Basically, it comes across like you and V feel you have done ok for yourselves. T is the odd one out but you could cope with that; however Y and S remind you that you are a few poor choices away from that lifestyle and you are not secure in yourselves enough to cope with that. Your parents, on the other hand, understand more about what it is like to be in that world and realise that love and support helps more than distance and exclusion.
You say yourself you were brought up lower middle class. That has left you insecure and always aspiring for more. That’s fine for you, but don’t trample others on your way up.

I do have sympathy for the brother who's in prison though. He's going to come out to find that the woman he broke up with (who lied to him about being the father) and her child who isn't his, and who he hasn't met, are installed into his family.

That's the bizarre bit, not the effect that it has on OP.

-So, is the blood connection the decider or the lack of intelligence of the mother (and/or child) the issue?-

Again I don’t care if anyone is smart or not, it was an example as to why we don’t have much in common.
I think the much cited bond isn’t missing because we aren’t blood family but because she was never formally my brothers child as on adopted or stepchild or anything alike.
Normally you get that role and and then built a relationship on that and that’s just didn’t happen since we knew so early she wasn’t my brothers child.

If you aren't going to embrace this child who has been in your family for 8 years, you shouldn't be going. Without realising, your obvious reluctance and desire to welcome this child with open arms as an integrated part of your family is evident in all your posts.

I get it, OP. This woman and her child aren’t blood relatives, they aren’t legal relatives, they no longer have a tie with the person who introduced them to the rest of the family, and while your parents can be “adoptive grandparents” if they want, now no one’s “allowed” to have a family gathering without inviting this woman and her daughter. And it’s an unusual situation that’s hard to explain to your kids.

YANBU. The rest of you shouldn’t be pressured into having a relationship with them, and made out to be bad people if you don’t want to.

I don’t think advertising your coldness and cruelty towards a child is the win you think it is.
YTA
YABU
I bet you make your closest friend pay you back that £1.19 for coffee you bought her three weeks ago, too.
Do you kick dogs and cats?
Knock down little old ladies?
Park your kids buggies in tow-away zones?
Wrap their lunches in road maps?
While all the other kids are ice skating, are your kids swimming?
lol

If we were different for another reason, let’s say they were royal and so to speak „above me“, then I’d still feel the same way since it would still be odd to have strangers at every family event.
You are making it too easy for yourself by calling me a snob. That’s really not the cause.

Was the mother with both brothers? Anyway in any story like this the overwhelming priority is the child/children. Your parents sound like wonderful moral people who don't want to give up on this little girl and sense her need for loving family and support. You seem to cast her need (they are very different to us, benefits etc) against her rather than a reason that this child should remain within the support of your family. This could make a huge difference to a child's life and your parents are willing to give it, support them and her, it sounds like there's enough resource to go around

Good for your parents.
The rest of you sound entitled, mea spirited and jealous.
Grow up.

This should have all been nipped in the bud while she was still really a baby and the paternity test came back negative. I do think it’s a bit late now she’s 8, but you and your brothers need to have a proper conversation with your parents about everything.

Everyone on here is so worthy, oh you must love this random unrelated person because she's a child and whilst I agree it's not the child's fault, the mother should've withdrawn when it was clear the child was nothing to do with the family and the relationship with the brother in prisom was over. I totally umderstand not wanting my parents & family taken over by someone who if the brother was not in prison would probably be long gone

No, it is not her fault. It's also pretty horrible if you are rejecting her because she is not smart enough for you.

I have a niece with learning difficulties. I do not look down on her or other her in any way. I seek to find things we can talk about. I have learned a lot about squishmallows. I collect them now. I don't give a fuck about squishmallows, but I do care about that wee face lighting up and I know that she actually seems to enjoy me collecting them more than me just giving them to her. Obviously, I do give them to her, but I keep some for a while etc. so we can share the joy of collecting.

What have you done to bond with this child? A child your parents see as one of your family. A child who may well not be here if your parents had not weighed in and gotten involved with the mother (lost all track of letters).

Your parents were critical in the birth of this child. She is part of your family. We do not get to choose family.

My family are very varied in terms of education, ability, success etc. We can all talk, get on, enjoy one another. Primarily because we want to. You don't like this child. That is a you thing. She is a child. Sort yourself out.

Family's cut family off all the time no-one bats an eye

So you are a jealous petty adult who can't cope with a child, an innocent child who clearly has a very unstable parent, having the security and support of your parents?

Grow up.