To be hurting 9 months after my Dad's death

[IsaidIwouldBeStrong]

I thought I was okay, but then nope, flood gates have opened again. I am in tears now, as I type. It has been 9 months, and if anything I only miss him more. I can't believe that I cannot see my lovely dad. He was in my life for 38 years, and now gone, just gone off the face of the earth. I have an amazing husband and dcs, and I appreciate them more than anything. It is however, like a shadow hangs over me, an empty space in my heart. I see older people walking around, some older than my dad. Why are they here, and my dad isn't? Why are their grandchildren older than my DCs? My dad didn't deserve to die. He had been through enough. I never got to show him my new Christmas tree and old school lights like the ones we had when I was a child. I didn't get to wrap up his presents. Who will get the purple bows now? Birthdays have gone by, with a big slice of cake I couldn't give him. There is things I want to buy for him, food I want to take over.

My parents are divorced, my dm tries, but she doesn't understand, and thinks I have to get on with things, which believe me I am doing. She has always been emotionally unavailable and guarded. It's not okay to not be okay. She did care for my dad still, and is doing the best she knows how, which I appreciate. I am extremely grateful she is here, as she could be gone like dad, in the blink of an eye.

I have a voicemail of my dad's voice that I cannot get back, no matter how I've tried. I hear his voice everyday when I talk to him in my head, I hear the comments he would make if he was alive. I have taken my lovely dad for granted all of these years. If I knew this pain, I would tell him I Ioved him every single day as I did when I was a child. I would tell him he was still a best friend, and that I still needed my Dad. I would tell him despite his issues, if I could have any Dad in the whole world, it would be him.

I promised my dad when he was unconscious and dying, that I would be okay, it was okay to let go, because i would be strong for him. We would be strong for each other, our bond could never be broken. Only it is all broken now, I have broken that promise, as I feel far from strong, I feel I have let my dad down all over again. The bond is shattered in two, because he isn't here. I talked to my dad for hours as he lay dying and couldn't open his eyes, so I have no idea what he heard/understood. I didn't tell him sorry though, sorry for not doing enough. I talked for hours, and couldn't even say that. Why couldn't I have said all of these things when he was a live? Far too late, I am so disappointed in myself. I just feel like a failure.

My Dad wasn't a one to boast or think much of himself, but did he think he was worth nothing? He arranged a basic cremation online, miles away in an area he hated, no funeral service. I received his ashes in a box in a gift bag. "Here is your dad," he said. "What was I supposed to do?" A person gone just like that. I had those ashes buried in a plot in the cemetery his parents are in, as close to their graves as possible, so he is somehow less alone. I had a plaque engraved in gold for my dad, he would think it was posh, he was worth gold, not some tiny plaque far away, on a wall in a place he disliked, and never drove to. Now I can visit my dad's parents as well for him, he went every year. I stand at the graves, and now I get it, truly truly get it. It's like I have woken up from n ignorant self absorbed slumber.

Honestly my dm is the only grandparent my dcs have now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never asked them to babysit, or put on to my parents, I looked after them as best as I could, all the little things etc. I hear people complain about so many tiny thing about their parents, not enough child care, they never host them, and I just want to scream at them. What did i do wrong for my dad to die? O didn't ask a thing of him, only for him to be there. Did I not see him enough, did I need to cook him more meals? With uncontrolled epilepsy and young children, times have been tough, I haven't been there as much as I would have liked after dc1 was born.

I have thoughts about how I will age to a point my dad won't recognise me, too much of my life to go without him. Maybe if I lost him a bit older it would feel different somehow, not as many years to miss him.

Friends who avoided me in the early weeks, have now switched to a nothing has happened mode. It's like it never happened. They have their parents alive and healthy, picking their dcs up from school, etc. I understand that they don't understand, I mean who does, until it happens to you. It is all universally used time frames, and grieving stages online. The truth is we all just bloody uncomfortable with death, nobody tells you what to do. The one person I need to ask is dead, I need fad to tell me how to cope. He lost his own dad at 28, (the lovely grandad I never met) who he adored, yet barely mentioned him. My mam told me he was a lovely man, Mt parents has been married 2 years when he died.

I see the whole world so very differently now, life is fragile and can all be gone in a second. It just all seems so vacuous now. They say grief heals with time, but when does it get better?

I don't even really know what I want from this post, I just felt I had to write it.

Sorry about the typos. I wrote it through tears, and the edit function has since expired.

You haven't let your dad down, you haven't let yourself down, you haven't let anyone down. You have obviously tried to be as strong as you can, like you promised your dad that you would be, but grief is a funny thing that comes in waves, sometimes when we're least expecting it and when we think we might be coming out the other side. As for your dad not recognising you as you age, it will have nothing to do with what you like look, he will recognise your soul and the love you will always carry for him. I lost my dad 5 years ago, like you I sat at his bedside and told him it was ok to let go if he needed do. Time has helped a lot, as cliché as that sounds, but sometimes I'll remember something or hear a song and the floodgates will open again. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, to me it's just a reminder of how much I loved my dad. If you haven't already, maybe look into some grief counselling to help process your feelings. I'm sorry for your loss 💐

I didn’t read your whole OP but I do want to say - 9 months is no time at all ready. You knew him for 38 whole years. You can’t just get over someone close you loved so dearly in 9 months.

Give yourself some grace OP.

I lost my dad at 28. This is grief talking, nothing more and nothing less. It will pass and I promise that it won’t always feel like this - 9 months is nothing. I would say give yourself grace and time, there will come a time when you can remember him with less emotion but it takes ( a lot of) time.

be gentle with yourself, and as for your friends - they are trying their best but it’s so hard when you’re the first in the group. Sadly I’m not now the only one and it’s so much easier to support someone with it from experience.

9 months is no time at all. My mum has been gone almost 3 years. I have only recently started to feel some sense of being normal. In the last few weeks. And to be honest, I don’t want to be ok. It feels like a betrayal.

Her death hung over everything. The first anniversary was probably my lowest point. She died just before Christmas and I thought nothing would be more painful than seeing the unopened presents that Christmas Day. But, actually, not buying her any presents was worse. I think so many things can seem easier or worse. And it’s very up and down.

All you can do is keep taking one day at a time. I am so sorry for your loss.

I believe it was the Queen Mother that said “grief is the price we pay for love” and never was a truer word spoken.

You are doing just fine. You are walking a different, diverging path from the one you would have chosen and it’s shit.

But life is for living and it is for the living. Time shapes and reshapes the gaping hole you have now until it becomes part of you. I read something once that the worst of it lasts a month for every year you knew someone so I just floated on that thought without getting stressed. I just accepted that this was where I was at that point in life. And, it was about right.

Dd was three. The conversation one day went
Her “you’re upset”.
Me “yes (sob, sob)”
Her “you’re upset about Granny”
Me “yes (sob, sob)”
Her “I’m not upset”
Me “That’s right, you’re not and you don’t have to be”. And life moved on. But it took time.

Thank you for reading any of my post, it is very long, and I went on a bit of a rant. I will try to be kind to myself. I just miss him so much. He is the closest person I have ever lost. A friend struck a nerve the other day when she mentioned her parents seeing her dcs this Christmas, and the memories of them as dcs coming back, reliving it etc.

It is like I have joined a club that I didn't sign up for, and can never leave.

I am sorry about your losses, and thank you for your replies.

@LiamNeesonIsADerryGirl Thank you for your kind words, I love the piece you said about recognising the soul. I am sorry about your Dad, too. I think seeing them die and fade away is one of the worst thing in the world. He went to nothing in the end. Life can be so very cruel.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my parents are both very ill and it's almost certain I'll be joining this horrible club in a couple of years or less. I can't even think about it most days so am certain I won't get over it. Definitely not in 9 months, or maybe even 9 years. I don't know, it's awful and again I'm so sorry about your dad.

9 months is nothing. The floodgates are going to continue to break through randomly. The random anger at people just being in the world smiling is going to reappear.

very slowly, over a few years, it will happen less often. There will come a point when you now smile more often thinking about your lost parent than crying about them.

im not promising you will never cry again once you reach that point. I still miss my mother. There are days I wish so much I could talk to her about my daughter. There are days I play her last voicemail to me. I have it saved in 3 places just to be safe.

But mostly, I am at peace and I think about the good and smile

@PetulantPenguin I am so so sorry you are going through such a tough time yourself. Nothing can ever prepare you for this, I know that now. It's like memories have appeared that I didn't even know I had. They say that when you die, your life flashes before you. What they don't tell you is that when you lose somebody, all of your memories with them flash before you. I have seen every version of my dad from when I was a little girl right up to him being in the Chapel of rest. It feels like I have lost them all at once, it is such an indescribable feeling, it hurts to the core.

@Ponderingwindow thank you, and I am really sorry about your Mum. Some days I do half smile about certain things about my Dad, his little quirks, then at other times, like today I am balling my eyes out. Dh thinks it is because I have been bottling it up, and acting like he is still here.
I mean I'll be in a shop, and say "Oh, my dad would like this." I hate talking about him in the past tense. When I first get up in the morning I forget, and everything feels normal, then I remember, and cannot quite believe I can't see him. He should be popping in today for a cup of tea, the finality of it is the worst, knowing there isn't anything that you can do. I find it difficult to process that he isn't coming back. I text his phone, only I'll never get a read receipt again, and I wrote him a father's day card, and took it to his grave, even though he will never read it.

When he first died I surrounding myself with all of my Dad's sentiment possessions. I am looking after them for him while he is away, only he isn't coming back.

Bereavement is horrendous OP, especially for someone who was your rock and cornerstone like your beloved dad. 9 months is nothing. Shock will have carried you through initially and now the pain is hitting you hard.
I am 16 months into grieving my dear dear gran. I understand you. I ask myself the what ifs all the time. It must be so hard that you didn’t get to give him the funeral he deserved (ours was fit for a queen and that brings me comfort). But there are things you can do. Visit his lovely plaque, if you have faith, organise a memorial service or simply ask the vicar to pray with you for him, if not, visit a special place for you both and just remember him. Be kind to yourself OP. There is no ‘should’ in this.

It’s been 50 years for me and I still miss my Dad every day. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that he loved me so much and would be unhappy to see me sad.

I try to live my life every day how he would have wanted. My eldest two were babies when he died and the youngest not even born. It used to make me sad that they would not benefit from his influence. Now I look at the three of them and how they are with their children and I see him in them all the time.

Nothing will take the sadness of his loss away from you, all you can do is make him as proud of you after his death as he obviously was while he was alive.

Oh @IsaidIwouldBeStrong it's only been 9 months, please don't be so hard on yourself, there's no time limit on grief and you are free to cry whenever you want to.

My dad died 28 years ago (when I was 11) and I still can't talk about him/that day without crying.

I promise you, it does get easier as the years go by, but it never fully goes away - you'll always miss him and think of him 💙

I sobbed in the middle of a store aisle holding some absolutely awful Christmas decoration tat. I mean full blown sobbing, in public. I was mortified afterwards.

the reality is that you have to let it out. The more you try to hold it in and be ok, the longer you are going to stay in that state of grief where anything can set you off.

what really helped for me was being able to tag DH and just say I have to disappear for a bit, you are in kid duty. Obviously he wasn’t always available, but he did it whenever he could and I needed those moments. I felt like I couldn’t really break down in front of dd as much as I needed. A short break in private was much more effective.

Oh OP, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I don’t know if this will help but my Dad was 69 when he died and I was 32.
It’s rubbish. It was 10 years ago for me and it is still rubbish now.
I hate that he never met my children, especially my son who loves everything he used to love.
He had dementia and I hate that I never had a proper conversation with him adult to adult.

The vicar also told me to tell my Dad, as he lay dying, that it’s ok to go incase he was hanging on for me. I too, have infact been less than ok and I beat myself up everyday because for saying I would be.

But this is grief. Nothing you could have said would have been enough as you look back. Some days you can rationalise it, other days you can’t.

But it was only 9 months ago. That’s still very fresh. There is no timescale for grief. I often think of it as a journey. It never goes away but it does change. You get better at coping with it but you can’t force that. Only time will do that for you.
Just take it day by day. Do the things that bring you comfort.
Sending you massive virtual hugs and you are not alone in anyway xxxxxxxxx

This! It always comes out of the blue, doesn’t it! I went to a friends wedding, I felt great, having a wonderful time…until I saw her Dad walk her down the aisle. That was it. I lost it.
Thank goodness I was abroad and could sob behind my sunglasses 😢

I'm 53, and lost my darling Dad 18 months ago to liver cancer. He was horribly unwell in his last 6 months of life, and seeing the cruelty of how quickly he was felled is something that I feel I'll carry forever.

I still have moments where it suddenly hits and it's like a physical pain. I still cry when I take flowers to his memorial stone. I've got a load of voicemails that I can't bear to listen to. I used to spend every sunday with him and I absolutely dread that day of the week because it's so empty without him.

Go easy on yourself - you're still in the raw phase of physical grief. It sounds trite but it really is OK not to be OK all the time

I am sorry that you are hurting OP. It does not seem fair. I am not remotely close to my parents and they are in their 80s. Both cold and distant. Yet you have lost your dad. 💔

It is of course early days. But I would love to have had such a wonderful and close relationship with my parents as you did with such an amazing man as a father. How lovely that you two were so close and that you could confide in him. What an incredible job he did as a Dad.

I hope that over time you can treasure the sweet memories without feeling such acute pain. Thinking of you X.

I feel i must say to you how beautiful your first post is, the love just comes pouring out of it. If your lovely dad felt even half the love that you showed there he will have been a very happy man, you sound like a lovely daughter and should be proud of yourself. Others have lots of wisdom on how to cope but honestly that was beautiful.
. Take care

I lost mine last year, he was 69 and I was 46 and gosh I miss him everyday. His death was terrible and we were not with him and I will never forgive myself or get over it. Yet life goes on. The worst thing for me has been watching my Mum grieve for my Dad, my heart breaks for her and there is nothing at all I can do to make it better. You are not alone, grief sucks x

As others have said 9 months is still very early on. I lost mine 4 years ago and it felt the longer since I’d seen him it hurt more. Probably only in the last year it’s not been as constant but still have my moments. Just get through each day. Plan things that you enjoy, however small. See friends, talk about him. I found going to tidy his grave was quite comforting. Get through each day and eventually it will become more bearable. I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing him, but am trying to carry on as I saw him do after he lost his parents, and remember him with a smile. Look after yourself 💐

OP I lost my dad nine years ago this October and I still have days where I’m a crying blubbering mess.

As others have stated you did nothing wrong and as hard as it is to not feel guilty you shouldn’t. I won’t say things will get easier with time as for me personally its more bearable but not easier.

You’re right about your friends not understanding. As much as they may try until they have walked in your shoes and gone through the trauma of losing a parent they will not understand. It’s also a very difficult situation to navigate for them as some people feel awkward at reaching out as they don’t know what to say or do.

For them life will go on as normal but what I would say is if they are really your friends then they will be there for you regardless.

There is no magic wand to heal how you’re feeling. In time you will get stronger and things will become easier for you.

There will always be days where it will sting more or you can’t hold it together but that doesn’t mean your failing - it means your only human.

it took me a long long time to open up about how I really felt about losing my dad but it was one of the most healing things for me to do.

Do not let anyone rush you or make you feel uncomfortable about how you feel. There is no time limit on grief and each stage will come when you are ready; only when you are ready.

look after yourself OP x