To be hurting 9 months after my Dad's death

[IsaidIwouldBeStrong]

I thought I was okay, but then nope, flood gates have opened again. I am in tears now, as I type. It has been 9 months, and if anything I only miss him more. I can't believe that I cannot see my lovely dad. He was in my life for 38 years, and now gone, just gone off the face of the earth. I have an amazing husband and dcs, and I appreciate them more than anything. It is however, like a shadow hangs over me, an empty space in my heart. I see older people walking around, some older than my dad. Why are they here, and my dad isn't? Why are their grandchildren older than my DCs? My dad didn't deserve to die. He had been through enough. I never got to show him my new Christmas tree and old school lights like the ones we had when I was a child. I didn't get to wrap up his presents. Who will get the purple bows now? Birthdays have gone by, with a big slice of cake I couldn't give him. There is things I want to buy for him, food I want to take over.

My parents are divorced, my dm tries, but she doesn't understand, and thinks I have to get on with things, which believe me I am doing. She has always been emotionally unavailable and guarded. It's not okay to not be okay. She did care for my dad still, and is doing the best she knows how, which I appreciate. I am extremely grateful she is here, as she could be gone like dad, in the blink of an eye.

I have a voicemail of my dad's voice that I cannot get back, no matter how I've tried. I hear his voice everyday when I talk to him in my head, I hear the comments he would make if he was alive. I have taken my lovely dad for granted all of these years. If I knew this pain, I would tell him I Ioved him every single day as I did when I was a child. I would tell him he was still a best friend, and that I still needed my Dad. I would tell him despite his issues, if I could have any Dad in the whole world, it would be him.

I promised my dad when he was unconscious and dying, that I would be okay, it was okay to let go, because i would be strong for him. We would be strong for each other, our bond could never be broken. Only it is all broken now, I have broken that promise, as I feel far from strong, I feel I have let my dad down all over again. The bond is shattered in two, because he isn't here. I talked to my dad for hours as he lay dying and couldn't open his eyes, so I have no idea what he heard/understood. I didn't tell him sorry though, sorry for not doing enough. I talked for hours, and couldn't even say that. Why couldn't I have said all of these things when he was a live? Far too late, I am so disappointed in myself. I just feel like a failure.

My Dad wasn't a one to boast or think much of himself, but did he think he was worth nothing? He arranged a basic cremation online, miles away in an area he hated, no funeral service. I received his ashes in a box in a gift bag. "Here is your dad," he said. "What was I supposed to do?" A person gone just like that. I had those ashes buried in a plot in the cemetery his parents are in, as close to their graves as possible, so he is somehow less alone. I had a plaque engraved in gold for my dad, he would think it was posh, he was worth gold, not some tiny plaque far away, on a wall in a place he disliked, and never drove to. Now I can visit my dad's parents as well for him, he went every year. I stand at the graves, and now I get it, truly truly get it. It's like I have woken up from n ignorant self absorbed slumber.

Honestly my dm is the only grandparent my dcs have now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never asked them to babysit, or put on to my parents, I looked after them as best as I could, all the little things etc. I hear people complain about so many tiny thing about their parents, not enough child care, they never host them, and I just want to scream at them. What did i do wrong for my dad to die? O didn't ask a thing of him, only for him to be there. Did I not see him enough, did I need to cook him more meals? With uncontrolled epilepsy and young children, times have been tough, I haven't been there as much as I would have liked after dc1 was born.

I have thoughts about how I will age to a point my dad won't recognise me, too much of my life to go without him. Maybe if I lost him a bit older it would feel different somehow, not as many years to miss him.

Friends who avoided me in the early weeks, have now switched to a nothing has happened mode. It's like it never happened. They have their parents alive and healthy, picking their dcs up from school, etc. I understand that they don't understand, I mean who does, until it happens to you. It is all universally used time frames, and grieving stages online. The truth is we all just bloody uncomfortable with death, nobody tells you what to do. The one person I need to ask is dead, I need fad to tell me how to cope. He lost his own dad at 28, (the lovely grandad I never met) who he adored, yet barely mentioned him. My mam told me he was a lovely man, Mt parents has been married 2 years when he died.

I see the whole world so very differently now, life is fragile and can all be gone in a second. It just all seems so vacuous now. They say grief heals with time, but when does it get better?

I don't even really know what I want from this post, I just felt I had to write it.

When my lovely Grandpa died 37 years ago (I was 21) I couldn't understand a few months later why I was still not "right" and my Dad gave me something to read that said it takes at least 2 years to come to terms with death of a loved one.
My Dad died in May and I am holding on to that thought. It all takes time, and whilst life will never be the same Dad is still in our hearts and thoughts.

It's easy for me to say, but don't panic about others feelings. Bring your children up to be loving resilient individuals and they will cope when something happens to you, and somehow you will manage when something happens to your Mum, hopefully after many more years of good health and happy times.

Oh OP ❤️

I said exactly this to a friend when my own DF passes - "it's like I've joined a shit club that I didn't want to be in."

It's no real comfort to you, but you are 100% not alone in your thoughts, I promise you. I try to feel grateful that I had such a fabulous dad as others are not so lucky. But it sucks so bad not to have him here. I will miss him every day til I die, I'm sure. I'm almost 3 years into this grief lark and it gets easier in the sense that it no longer consumes most of my waking thoughts. But it's never far from the surface.

As pp have said, please give yourself grace and love. Tis a shit situation and you are allowed to feel what you feel.

@Peckhampalace I am so sorry about your Dad, it will all be so raw for you. 💐

I have lost all of my grandparents, and as upsetting as it was, it didn't compare to this. I don't think we were as close. It is the first bereavement I've had post dcs, which may add another element to it. I feel like I'm being OTT if I don't do anything other than be fine. I grieved at first, but then shut it off for a bit. Then it has started coming out again.

The longer it is going on the worse it is getting, because it is the longest I haven't seen my dad for, which is causing only more pain. Grief isn't like they say it will be whatsoever.

I am so sorry, you lost your own lovely dad so recently, he sounds like a very wise, and intelligent man.x

I’m really sorry you lost your dad. Mine is gone too and the grief doesn’t go away but it gets easier to bear. 9 months is no time at all and sometimes now after 8 years I still have waves of sadness. You have expressed so eloquently how I have felt.
As a nurse I will just add one thought - I have been with lots of families when their loved ones have passed and I truly believe that the dying person can hear them and that they know they are there. I have even seen changes on the monitors of sedated patients when they hear the voice of a loved one and I believe that your dad knew you were there with him and that you loved him.

My therapist told me you rarely start to grieve fully before a year after the death…

Neither she nor I are dismissing what you are going through now - but she said it to me meaning that only by going through the cycle of 1sts (1st Christmas, 1’s fathers days , 1st birthday without them and 1st anniversary of their death) is when you really can only start to process the immense loss you are experiencing.

she stresses there is no right or wrong timescale on grief - it takes as long as it takes.

30 years on - mostly I can talk warmly and happily about her - I share fond memories of the wonderful person she was and what she did for me - then another day I only have to think of her and am bawling like she died yesterday. It just sometimes hits you again after all these years.

take care and really hope you can find someone to share and explore your grief with. My therapist has helped me do much and has given me permission to take the time I need.

society expects us to be fine after the funeral and to forget and just get on with it - but grief takes as long as it needs to. Be gentle with yourself.

That is very, very normal. It’s horrible, it feels awful but it’s so common. My DDs immediate thought was to fly to me ( he wasn’t her dad) and apparently I was shouting down the phone she mustn’t, the plane would crash. Totally illogical.

Gradually you’ll learn coping techniques to help. I used bottles of Rescue Remedy, had panic attacks just crossing a road. Panic attack if a vehicle of the type he died in sped past me. I was later told I probably had a form of PTSD, I wasn’t there but I ‘ relived’ the accident.
Look at hypnotherapy for relaxation on YouTube. You might find Emotional Freedom Technique ( think that’s the name, it’s tapping — sounds weird and out there - IBS very sceptical but it helped me with panic attacks)

A widow friend told me grief is like the children’s book We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. You can’t go around it, over it or under it, you have to go through it. I so hated that bloody book, I was cross with her for telling me that but she was 100% correct. And you will get through this. Keep talking about your dad, do any little things that help.

Google the 7 stages of grief, it will explain what you feel, why you feel it and just help you understand a little better.

Mum died when I was 17...38 years ago.next Monday. I still think about the times I disappointed her, let her down. The arguments. The days when I was a whining pain in the arse.

I found it hard to even mention her until above 10 years ago when I contacted her best friends to say thank you for the care and love they gave her when she was ill.

You learn to accept things. I still miss her and dad who died 7 years later. I hope they would be proud of who I am and what I have achieved.

I've learnt to concentrate on the good things. I've currently got covid, feel like I'm not going to ever get better, but when I went back to bed at 10 this morning I was thinking of the lovely holiday we spent when I was about 9 and exploring Dartmoor...I went to sleep happy

My dad died 12 years ago, when I was 22, and I still find myself in floods of tears about it. I’m crying now from reading this thread. I’m currently having EMDR to try to process his death, which I don’t think I’ve ever managed to do.

I don’t think a year is long really, but you might find this page useful in explaining why it can take longer for some people www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/complicated-grief/

Thank you for your kind message. I am so sorry about your dad as well. This life is so very cruel x

I was there with my dad through the night as he was actively dying. He had the death rattle, unconscious, but the nurse said he was responding to my voice. He lifted his arm afew times to hug, was at times trying to lift his head, his vitals were okay miraculously considering his condition.

The nurse said that she didn't think it was imminent based on that their jad been no further deterioration. He was lasting longer than they thought originally when they rang at 1am. He sort of picked up when we got there. The nurse said he was seeming a little agitated, so they were going to increase his medication, I left as this happened. I kissed him on the cheek, said "I love you dad, your medicine is coming , and I will see you soon!" Dad sighed and seemed to relax, and go to sleep. When he was a live i would always talk lots when I visited, and then he would say "right love, I'm going for a lie down, a bit tired." It felt almost like he was going in and out of consciousness, but without the ability to open his eyes, etc, due to weakness. It felt quite natural in a way at that moment, like he was going for his nap. I mean, he had been listening to me talk for hours. He would have been well ready for a break!

I went home at 11.30am for a lie down. There was a phone call at 1am, rushed down, had to drop my young dcs off at dm's first, and missed my dad die by 30 mins. He died at 2.30pm, 3 hours after I had left the hospital. The lovely nurse told me she was sorry, she has really thought it wasn't going to happen imminently. She said Dad went down quickly when they administered the meds, and his vitals dropped. She said it all happened so quickly, and told me I was there when he needed me the most, when he could hear, and respond. She said he died peacefully and quickly, but I know there was nothing peaceful about death. I wanted to be by his side right up until the point his hearing went. Was he scared? Was he panicking? The two nurses were amazing and honestly, you couldn't ask for nicer strangers to be with him, but they weren't family. He needed me, and I wasn't there until the end. I ran in to see Dad, didn't speak to the lovely nurse enough about my dad's last moments, because I had an overwhelming urge to see him, almost like he was still alive, or somehow would wake up. He was lying there in the hospital bed, no wires all the machines unhooked, I went straight to give him a kiss on his head he felt still warm. I just stared at him in disbelief, he looked so relaxed, his expression like all of the anxiety was just washed away from him, they must have been some good drugs!

I feel really guilty about leaving, why didn't I sleep in the chair, I feel sick, and this memory haunts me. What if he knew I wasn't in the room. I feel I let my dad down. I had the choice, and I made the wrong one.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry about your dad, you were too young. Thank you for the link. My dad's death was unexpected, following a short illness, it was all quite sudden, and abit of a roller coaster in the months leading up to it.

It has been 9 months, and I feel so silly! I lost him at 38, he was 72. I'm so sorry for you, 22 is so so young. I am sorry the thread has upset you, I think you're much stronger than I would have been. Your dad will be very proud of you, and thank you for selflessly posting x 💐

@IsaidIwouldBeStrong

It felt quite natural in a way at that moment, like he was going for his nap.

I remember thinking this too, with my dad. He was lying on his hospice bed, on top of the sheets, in the same way he would lie down on the sofa for his after dinner nap. Ankles crossed, relaxed looking.

I feel really guilty about leaving, why didn't I sleep in the chair, I feel sick, and this memory haunts me. What if he knew I wasn't in the room. I feel I let my dad down. I had the choice, and I made the wrong one.

You had no way of knowing when he would go. The nurse told you she didn't think it was imminent. You didn't make the wrong choice, you made A Choice, a logical and understandable one. You say he 'sighed and seemed to relax, and go to sleep'. It may have been that once he'd seen you, he felt he could let go. You didn't do anything wrong.

Please don't feel silly, and please don't feel you have apologise re the thread upsetting me. It doesn't take much to set me off and to be honest, when I do start crying it feels like a release.

My dad's death was unexpected, following a short illness, it was all quite sudden, and abit of a roller coaster in the months leading up to it.

It was the same with my dad. He'd been misdiagnosed for months and then suddenly it was cancer. It was an awful time, I didn't know whether I was coming or going. In addition to your grief, you're still recovering from that intense period of turmoil, disbelief and heartache.

Thank you so much @GenAvocadoOnToast I am finding the crying is a release as aswell. I held the tears in for awhile, then afew things have happened lately, that have set me back off. I'm the worst at telling myself it isn't okay to not be okay. I give everybody else the allowance for this, except myself. I have always been hard on myself though.

That is awful, we were sort of lulled into a false sense of security too, then within the matter of a couple of days he was dying. My dad took bad at home, we went to the hospital to find him writhering all over the bed , only in a white adult nappy basically, unable to talk, open his eyes; pointing, and gesturing to his throat, he was very distressed (to be polite) and dehydrated. It was an undignified terrible sight, that absolutely haunts me.

I thought i was going to visit him conscious. There was nobody on the desk, a load of cubicles on the monitoring ward, I just spotted him and ran over. There was nobody around. I found a nurse by interrupting a conversation out side of the ward, she said they didn't know anything, he had just came from a&e, just came on shift etc.
It had taken the hospital ages to get him hooked to a drip, any fluids into him, they were trying to get him to swallow a diazapam when he was in that state, asking me if i thought he could, because they were waiting of the injectable stuff coming from pharmacy. They were asking if he is normally like this. The state of the NHS is terrible (another thread).

There was a load of failings that the department he was previously on for an infection the month before, and those mistakes led my dad to suffer in a way that could have been avoides. It was almost like he was locked in, the sheer terror he will have felt. I was relieved when they sedated him, and he was calm.

Life is so bloody cruel. He was a lovely person, and didn't deserve that.

Now I just see the world differently. I think of all of the poor people who died during covid, not allowed anybody visiting. I am selfish, people have to go through so much worse.

You’re not selfish, love. Your grief is 100% valid, reasonable, justified and understandable. Let it all out. No one here is judging you. Cruse have a helpline where you can talk through things. I think they also have a counselling service you can request. Do you think it could be helpful for you?

I have my husband, but I have put so much on to him, it isn't fair, and he has a stressful job. I also have young children, and have had to put an act on as much as possible. My dm doesn't understand, and my sibling has depression from it all. My friends don't understand, because they haven't been through it. One had afew years ago, but she has buried it, so she can't talk about it.
Dh thinks I've been blocking it out, and just processing it all. I suppose it is difficult to grieve with young dcs, so it has all taken a little longer.

Thank you to you all x

I lost my mum last year at over 80 and still find it really hard.

Expect to not be able to control when or how it hits you, you just have to try to deal with your feelings as they come.

I know exactly what you mean about being in a club you never wanted to join. It comes to us all unfortunately.

I remember my mum got really difficult to be around about 2 years after her mum's death. She suddenly got incredibly anxious about her relationship with my dad.

You can't predict how this stuff pans out.

Oof. This thread is so raw, powerful and triggering. I can only dip in to read a little bit at a time or my fragile defences will fail. I am walking alongside u in your shoes. I'm in exactly the same place with all the same regrets. I'm only two months in. I'm expected to revert to normal by work and kids. My parents were long divorced and my mother has no interest talking about it. I'm consumed by the grief and the what ifs. I live on the edge of I don't know, being totally lost. I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I'm amazed I actually get up to be fair. I often need to run to the loo at work cos I just can't stop the tears. You are not alone. You write so well describing the rawness, grief and anger. I would be so proud of u were u my daughter. Take care, OP. I am hoping as others say that I will come to live with the grief instead of being consumed by it. I have to as my mother won't be long behind him. A pet died last week and that felt like a tipping point. But I managed to get up and carry on. And that's all I can do really. People have no idea

I'm so sorry about what happened to your lovely dad. I could also write many things about the NHS and what happened to some of my family members but won't! As far as your dad's passing, I don't know if it's true but they say sometimes a dying person waits for their loved ones to leave to pass.

I missed my own dad's passing by about 10 mins and he died at home so you can imagine my guilt at that. I held his hand told him he was the best dad and I'd look after mum and then felt like I had to leave the room to compose myself as I was starting to cry. Sounds silly but I didn't want my dad to hear me crying. By the time I went back my mother said she thought he'd gone. I couldn't believe it. I was so determined to be there. Took me years to get over the guilt. But I had to tell myself I said my goodbyes and hopefully he heard and decided it was time to go.

Oh gosh @Pinkballoon5 2 months is no time at all, I am so sorry 💐x Let the tears out, it is healthy, you are grieving, work well have to understand.

Your dm sounds like mine, shut off. I can tell my dm has some guilt on the way she treated my dad, and is so closed off about it. My parents were married for 30 years, and made the decision to get divorced 18 years ago, when I was in the final year of uni. My dad was a good man, but my dm had just fell out of love with him, Dad never got over it. They would meet up for awhile, then my dm thought it was best to stop that when she met somebody else. My dad felt used, and he was never the same after that, and the whole thing was just so complicated! He felt so alone in the last few years, and it was just heartbreaking. I feel if he had been happier over that time, it may hurt a tiny bit less, but he was fixated on it. I tried my best to help him, but couldnt fix it, but with babies, and a health issue, I couldn't be there as much as I would have liked. I think if I'm honest I didn't know what to do anymore.

I would bake for him, bring him food, get him nice thoughtful presents, have little chats. But my regret is not ringing him every day, just for 5 minutes, I didn't see him enough, was annoyed he didn't drive over to mine as much, I didn't realise how ill he was with anxiety. He even mentioned it once, said he missed my after work phonecalls, I would say "dad, but it is difficult now with the kids, and having been unwell." God if I could go back, it was a short phonecall, and I couldn't even do that. I told myself I would be bothering him, why can't he ring me etc etc, (truth is he didn't want to bother me)!

The guilt I have for not realising he had dementia (he didn't tell anybody), we blamed how he was on other factors/lifestyle.
As he declined a bit, I started going over to make his bed for him , my sibling did his shopping, and got him in a cleaner. We thought it was MH, and getting older, not dementia.
I feel like such a rubbish daughter, and just wish dad had given me the opportunity to help him more. I would have been there for him more, if only I had have known. My poor dad, he didn't deserve how his life ended, the whole thing is just so sad.

I am so sorry about your pet. My dm is 70 soon, this is scaring me. The loss is bad enough, but the worry on those left behind adds to it doesn't it?!

I haven't read the whole thread as I fear it would send me down a rabbit hole of grief but OP my heart goes out to you. My dad died 3 years ago. We weren't hugely close and he wasn't dad of the year but he was still my dad. The anniversary of his death this year was the first one that I didn't really struggle. So 9 months really is no time at all. Father's Day, his birthday etc is also hard.

Losing a parent for me meant I felt a bit lost. I had lost part of myself too. I felt a sense of instability.

Apart from my mum, no one I'm close to ever acknowledges that he died and it's hard. It's like he never existed.

One of the best quotes I ever read was: "the hard part of life is we have to keep on living even when our world has stopped spinning, and all the stars are laying at our feet".

@Firefly1987

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry your family members were let down too.
I have heard that, and I have to believe it. I just don't know how capable they are of thinking when they're dying. They say they go in and out of consciousness while asleep. DH said Dad could have been immersed in a memory, or thinking we were in his apartment talking, or even thinking he was younger in my old family home where he so badly wanted to be back in with my sibling, and I as children. I had talked for hours, and just hope my voice was echoing around his head when he died, and that he thought I was still with him, or had come back in a hallucination.

Your Dad will have definately heard you, the hearing is the last to go. Your dm was with him, he wouldn't have wanted you to see it. Parents protect their children at all costs, and they turn to their spouses. Your Dad had his family around him, and will have absolutely known how loved he was, and what an amazing daughter he had.

@cadburyegg

I am sorry about your dad. Thank you for letting me know it does get a little better. I have my dad's birthday next month, and the anniversary of his death, with Halloween, and bonfore night just to rub more salt into the wound. Then, Christmas will be difficult, because he died a short time before the last one, and I was in so much shock, I just went through the motions for my young children. I am hoping 2025 will feel better, just gradually better, as best as it can get.

Yes, you explained that so well, I feel lost too. It is like I am only half a daughter now; he is gone. Somebody in the world who loved me regardless of my flaws, a constant, and it makes you feel empty in a way. I feel like I finally get it, like I can clearly see the world, and I don't like what I see. I smile through my husband, and children.

I've found it all harder with having such young children, my youngest won't remember my dad, and my 7 year old dc's memories will fade, esp with the covid gap in the middle, so much time missed, memories when he was a little healthier not made.

The lack of acknowledgement is hard, some days it feels like he will walk through the door, on others it is like he was never here at all. I talk bout him to my dcs, "lets turn grandad's light on." I have his beautiful stand alone light (he was so proud of it when he bought it). We keep it on a little while at bedtime for the kids. It is a bit raw still, maybe talking about him will become easier in time.

What a lovely poem, and it sums it up perfectly. A friend once told me that the dead get off easily, it is the ones left behind, that suffer the most.

OP I lost my dad 6 months ago and feel the same - traumatised, unmoored, impatient, anxious for the first time in my life and like there’s no point to anything. It’s horrendous. Things that help:

• push the bad memories out and replace with good ones. Photos and videos help
• podcasts such as Griefcast
• go easy on yourself. Buy the thing, take the walk, take the trip and do it in memory of him because he would want you to. Live a bit on his behalf as in this way you honour him
• talk about him, tell stories, find laughter in memories. People are happy to do this and it’s often people in the most unexpected places (neighbours, acquaintances)
• do things he did - practical things such as the garden he loved. His flowers are growing. It’s a living tribute
• I do talk to him occasionally because I know what he’d say in response and I find it comforting.

Our relationships with our Dads are not over, they never will be. And I know deep down my Dad left me with all I’d ever need, and he didn’t put 40 years of love and effort in for me to fall over when he had to go, so I get up every day and honour him.

Sending you much love. You’re not alone x