To be hurting 9 months after my Dad's death

[IsaidIwouldBeStrong]

I thought I was okay, but then nope, flood gates have opened again. I am in tears now, as I type. It has been 9 months, and if anything I only miss him more. I can't believe that I cannot see my lovely dad. He was in my life for 38 years, and now gone, just gone off the face of the earth. I have an amazing husband and dcs, and I appreciate them more than anything. It is however, like a shadow hangs over me, an empty space in my heart. I see older people walking around, some older than my dad. Why are they here, and my dad isn't? Why are their grandchildren older than my DCs? My dad didn't deserve to die. He had been through enough. I never got to show him my new Christmas tree and old school lights like the ones we had when I was a child. I didn't get to wrap up his presents. Who will get the purple bows now? Birthdays have gone by, with a big slice of cake I couldn't give him. There is things I want to buy for him, food I want to take over.

My parents are divorced, my dm tries, but she doesn't understand, and thinks I have to get on with things, which believe me I am doing. She has always been emotionally unavailable and guarded. It's not okay to not be okay. She did care for my dad still, and is doing the best she knows how, which I appreciate. I am extremely grateful she is here, as she could be gone like dad, in the blink of an eye.

I have a voicemail of my dad's voice that I cannot get back, no matter how I've tried. I hear his voice everyday when I talk to him in my head, I hear the comments he would make if he was alive. I have taken my lovely dad for granted all of these years. If I knew this pain, I would tell him I Ioved him every single day as I did when I was a child. I would tell him he was still a best friend, and that I still needed my Dad. I would tell him despite his issues, if I could have any Dad in the whole world, it would be him.

I promised my dad when he was unconscious and dying, that I would be okay, it was okay to let go, because i would be strong for him. We would be strong for each other, our bond could never be broken. Only it is all broken now, I have broken that promise, as I feel far from strong, I feel I have let my dad down all over again. The bond is shattered in two, because he isn't here. I talked to my dad for hours as he lay dying and couldn't open his eyes, so I have no idea what he heard/understood. I didn't tell him sorry though, sorry for not doing enough. I talked for hours, and couldn't even say that. Why couldn't I have said all of these things when he was a live? Far too late, I am so disappointed in myself. I just feel like a failure.

My Dad wasn't a one to boast or think much of himself, but did he think he was worth nothing? He arranged a basic cremation online, miles away in an area he hated, no funeral service. I received his ashes in a box in a gift bag. "Here is your dad," he said. "What was I supposed to do?" A person gone just like that. I had those ashes buried in a plot in the cemetery his parents are in, as close to their graves as possible, so he is somehow less alone. I had a plaque engraved in gold for my dad, he would think it was posh, he was worth gold, not some tiny plaque far away, on a wall in a place he disliked, and never drove to. Now I can visit my dad's parents as well for him, he went every year. I stand at the graves, and now I get it, truly truly get it. It's like I have woken up from n ignorant self absorbed slumber.

Honestly my dm is the only grandparent my dcs have now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never asked them to babysit, or put on to my parents, I looked after them as best as I could, all the little things etc. I hear people complain about so many tiny thing about their parents, not enough child care, they never host them, and I just want to scream at them. What did i do wrong for my dad to die? O didn't ask a thing of him, only for him to be there. Did I not see him enough, did I need to cook him more meals? With uncontrolled epilepsy and young children, times have been tough, I haven't been there as much as I would have liked after dc1 was born.

I have thoughts about how I will age to a point my dad won't recognise me, too much of my life to go without him. Maybe if I lost him a bit older it would feel different somehow, not as many years to miss him.

Friends who avoided me in the early weeks, have now switched to a nothing has happened mode. It's like it never happened. They have their parents alive and healthy, picking their dcs up from school, etc. I understand that they don't understand, I mean who does, until it happens to you. It is all universally used time frames, and grieving stages online. The truth is we all just bloody uncomfortable with death, nobody tells you what to do. The one person I need to ask is dead, I need fad to tell me how to cope. He lost his own dad at 28, (the lovely grandad I never met) who he adored, yet barely mentioned him. My mam told me he was a lovely man, Mt parents has been married 2 years when he died.

I see the whole world so very differently now, life is fragile and can all be gone in a second. It just all seems so vacuous now. They say grief heals with time, but when does it get better?

I don't even really know what I want from this post, I just felt I had to write it.

@Emmeline1894

Oh I am very sorry about your lovely dad, thank you for taking the time to post. I'm finding that my grief is changing, just when I think I'm doing better, I will go back to square one. I have less patience now, if things in life happen it's like I have a shorter fuse for hassle if that makes sense. I just can't be bothered with it. It's almost like I am expecting everything to go wrong, so when it does I am not surprised. Generally felt abit indifferent at times as well. It is all part of thr process I guess.

I very much relate to the "it's all pointless" feeling. I will say to dh, "what is it all for? We'll just end up dead anyway." He will say "that is why you have to enjoy life, it's for the living." My dad is supposed to be part of the living though, and I'm just not there yet with that unfortunately. I don't think it helped watching 'One Day' on Netflix, and the reference to everyone having a death day! 😱 I mean of course, but it is scary it being worded like that.

I will check out the podcast; that sounds really useful, thank you. I often talk to my dad too, and know exactly what he would say. Sometimes it feels like he sitting opposite me, having a cup of coffee. I will imagine he is, and what he would say to me when he sees me upset. I know how I feel about my children, and as a parent, it would break my heart if I thought they were upset and not bloody enjoying life to the full. I wouldn't feel betrayed, I would feel proud that I'd raised such strong, resilient people.
You are doing an amazing job of honouring your dad, and he will be so proud, I'm sure of it.

I am trying to go easier on myself. I haven't baked since my Dad died, apart from my dc's birthday cakes (which was horrendously difficult). it was such a huge passion. I used to always give him baked goods, he would say "I'll never eat all of that" with a smile on his face. Then later, I'd get text saying "lovely cake, I ate the full lot."

Today I baked bread,

One day at a time...x

@IsaidIwouldBeStrong Im the same, can’t face his favourite things like cake yet! I was really touched by you saying I’m doing a good job of honouring him, thank you. I mostly am just bumbling about in a state of misery to be honest, doing things I don’t want to do but making myself do them. Because he’d say ‘you just have to get on with it’ and ‘look after the kids and your mum’. So, no choice.

Agree on the pointlessness of things. People going on about silly little problems and I think well, none of that really matters does it, after what I’ve seen. Right at the start I was wandering about in a daze and if I saw someone who looked a bit haunted I’d think ‘have you seen it?’.

Perhaps the ‘fuck it’ attitude is a superpower. I don’t worry about little things now, am more confident, more decisive. Don’t care what people think and things like tricky work meetings - well, nothing can be as bad as that. The worst has already happened. At the same time am massively empathetic to real suffering.

mostly have been absolutely astounded that people can’t tell, I don’t look different - when I am a completely different person. I don’t know who I’ll be when I emerge/over time, but I hope I’m a bit more like my Dad. He was pretty direct, active and made the most of every day. I run about all day now, as also feel ‘I’m alive!! Got to live for my Dad!!’

Honestly, it takes you to some strange places doesn’t it? Again, no choice. I hear bereavement counselling can be helpful, I don’t know if you’ve considered it. I can’t face it, but will do if I get stuck. For now, just keeping going and keeping mum going, though I can’t do the one thing she wants, every day I try to do one thing that makes her life a bit better. Have a good weekend and I hope you are able to smile about your Dad. He’d be proud of you too, and your love for him shines through X

I still struggle. It has been 14months. I have found counselling helps. I’ve disconnected from a lot of friends. Mainly those that haven’t lost a parent. The world will never be the same for me and I think some days my head will explode with the loss.

I think it’s no time at all 9months OP. Just allow yourself to grieve. Don’t hold it back. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m thinking of you and sending you love. Those of us that have suffered this hear you. All you can do is keep going, one foot in front of the other.