To be hurting 9 months after my Dad's death

[IsaidIwouldBeStrong]

I thought I was okay, but then nope, flood gates have opened again. I am in tears now, as I type. It has been 9 months, and if anything I only miss him more. I can't believe that I cannot see my lovely dad. He was in my life for 38 years, and now gone, just gone off the face of the earth. I have an amazing husband and dcs, and I appreciate them more than anything. It is however, like a shadow hangs over me, an empty space in my heart. I see older people walking around, some older than my dad. Why are they here, and my dad isn't? Why are their grandchildren older than my DCs? My dad didn't deserve to die. He had been through enough. I never got to show him my new Christmas tree and old school lights like the ones we had when I was a child. I didn't get to wrap up his presents. Who will get the purple bows now? Birthdays have gone by, with a big slice of cake I couldn't give him. There is things I want to buy for him, food I want to take over.

My parents are divorced, my dm tries, but she doesn't understand, and thinks I have to get on with things, which believe me I am doing. She has always been emotionally unavailable and guarded. It's not okay to not be okay. She did care for my dad still, and is doing the best she knows how, which I appreciate. I am extremely grateful she is here, as she could be gone like dad, in the blink of an eye.

I have a voicemail of my dad's voice that I cannot get back, no matter how I've tried. I hear his voice everyday when I talk to him in my head, I hear the comments he would make if he was alive. I have taken my lovely dad for granted all of these years. If I knew this pain, I would tell him I Ioved him every single day as I did when I was a child. I would tell him he was still a best friend, and that I still needed my Dad. I would tell him despite his issues, if I could have any Dad in the whole world, it would be him.

I promised my dad when he was unconscious and dying, that I would be okay, it was okay to let go, because i would be strong for him. We would be strong for each other, our bond could never be broken. Only it is all broken now, I have broken that promise, as I feel far from strong, I feel I have let my dad down all over again. The bond is shattered in two, because he isn't here. I talked to my dad for hours as he lay dying and couldn't open his eyes, so I have no idea what he heard/understood. I didn't tell him sorry though, sorry for not doing enough. I talked for hours, and couldn't even say that. Why couldn't I have said all of these things when he was a live? Far too late, I am so disappointed in myself. I just feel like a failure.

My Dad wasn't a one to boast or think much of himself, but did he think he was worth nothing? He arranged a basic cremation online, miles away in an area he hated, no funeral service. I received his ashes in a box in a gift bag. "Here is your dad," he said. "What was I supposed to do?" A person gone just like that. I had those ashes buried in a plot in the cemetery his parents are in, as close to their graves as possible, so he is somehow less alone. I had a plaque engraved in gold for my dad, he would think it was posh, he was worth gold, not some tiny plaque far away, on a wall in a place he disliked, and never drove to. Now I can visit my dad's parents as well for him, he went every year. I stand at the graves, and now I get it, truly truly get it. It's like I have woken up from n ignorant self absorbed slumber.

Honestly my dm is the only grandparent my dcs have now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never asked them to babysit, or put on to my parents, I looked after them as best as I could, all the little things etc. I hear people complain about so many tiny thing about their parents, not enough child care, they never host them, and I just want to scream at them. What did i do wrong for my dad to die? O didn't ask a thing of him, only for him to be there. Did I not see him enough, did I need to cook him more meals? With uncontrolled epilepsy and young children, times have been tough, I haven't been there as much as I would have liked after dc1 was born.

I have thoughts about how I will age to a point my dad won't recognise me, too much of my life to go without him. Maybe if I lost him a bit older it would feel different somehow, not as many years to miss him.

Friends who avoided me in the early weeks, have now switched to a nothing has happened mode. It's like it never happened. They have their parents alive and healthy, picking their dcs up from school, etc. I understand that they don't understand, I mean who does, until it happens to you. It is all universally used time frames, and grieving stages online. The truth is we all just bloody uncomfortable with death, nobody tells you what to do. The one person I need to ask is dead, I need fad to tell me how to cope. He lost his own dad at 28, (the lovely grandad I never met) who he adored, yet barely mentioned him. My mam told me he was a lovely man, Mt parents has been married 2 years when he died.

I see the whole world so very differently now, life is fragile and can all be gone in a second. It just all seems so vacuous now. They say grief heals with time, but when does it get better?

I don't even really know what I want from this post, I just felt I had to write it.

You made my eyes fill op, I lost my dad (who wasn't even biologically my dad, but damn was he a DAD to me) when I was 21. Time is a healer. 9 months is still quite raw love.
You sound like a lovely person and I wish I could give you a big hug.

Each to their own I know but I am quite a spiritual person and I strongly believe they are around us.
There will be certain smells/songs at the right times which comfort me and I sense he's around me and this was just over 12 years ago when I lost mine.

He will be proud of you op xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing your dad is devastating. I'm not over losing mine after 31 years. Sending a hand hold.
The pain does get less frequent and all consuming, but it is not something you will get over easily or quickly, not should you.

I really feel for you OP and I don't think you're alone. There are a heck of a lot of human beings out there missing the people they shared their lives with. It's okay to be sad, upset, crying, sobbing etc and I hope you feel the support coming to you on this thread.

I hope you've got many years ahead of you where you get your enjoy the family as they grow and whatever life changes occur and if so you're sadly going to have this time ahead without him.

There is no shame is asking other people how they cope, what they believe, how they feel connected etc and bring newly bereaved. You might want to implement/try things out might in the next few years you are comforted by these beliefs or rituals or thoughts in the long term.

The overwhelm will become more manageable xx

My Dad would have been 96 tomorrow. He died just over 5 years ago - and it was still too soon. I miss him and think about him every day. Sending you empathy and sympathy.

It's only been 9 months. It took me about two years before I started to feel anywhere near normal. You need to give it time, it's such a huge thing to come to terms with. You do learn to live with it though and the happy, good memories take over from the sadness and grief.

The hardest thing about grief is that there is no short cut, no work around, no easy way through.

Every excruciating moment has to be lived and experienced.

It doesn't always feel as acute though.

I'm almost 4 years in and whilst the sadness and loss is in my soul, it doesn't define me or control me. I can think of my mum now and not be reduced to a sobbing wreck.

Be kind to yourself and think about some bereavement counselling (even if you have already had some, have some more)

❤

@MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy

Thank you so much for your kind, and lovely words. I'm really sorry about your Dad as well, and you were so young. Biology doesn't make anybody a parent, it is an honour, and something that is earned. Your Dad sounds like an absolutely incredible man. The fact you feel this 12 years later, shows just how much he aced being a Dad to you.

I have become a little spiritual after my Dad died, I have wanted to tell myself he is with me, by my side. I talk to him in my head. I know he is gone, really gone if I am honest with myself. I know I can never know for certain, but the thought he is nowhere at all is just too much to bear.

Thank you so much @newbeggins for your thoughtful post. My dm lost her dm 26 years ago. I was really upset that I have been unable to retrieve my Dad's voicemail, and asked her if she still remembers my Nanna's voice. My dm said she does remember it, and clearly. I was shocked by this, I have been scared the vivid memory I have of my dad will fade away, like I am losing him all over again. It gives me hope that this may not happen. Thank you x

I am so very sorry you had to go through that as a child @FooFighter99 If I have worked the maths out properly, we're the same age. I lost my dad at 38, you lost yours at 11, yet you posted, even when you said you get tearful to this day. I bet your Dad would be incredibly proud of the strong, and amazing person you have become.x

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Having lost my Dad who I was very close to when he was 61 from brain cancer and Parkinson's I can empathise with your thought and feelings. I was 35 at the time and this was just over 9 years ago but it feels like it could be a year ago sometimes to be honest.
He was non verbal for the last 3 months and couldn't talk or write so he couldn't express feelings properly, his care requests, or discuss his funeral, nothing.
I ended up with PTSD and severe depression and I had psychological therapy for 18 months.
Even now I still have times where I can't talk about him without getting upset, however the old saying of time being a great healer is true. The best advice I would give is to be open about your feelings, try not to bottle them up and remember that he knew you loved him, so don't doubt that and he knew you did your best for him and you continued to do your best for him.
I also struggle with the idea that as I lost him relatively young that means that I have longer to live without him, but there is so much to live for in the meantime and I now think doing that well is the greatest honour I could give my Dad. I try and keep his memory alive too, he is mentioned at Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries and is mentioned with laughter as well as in reflection. I also still try and do the things we used to do together but instead I take my daughters. They now love a good airshow and a castle 🙂
I am not sure if this helps at all, but please know things will get better. Lots of hugs x

First of all I am so sorry about your Dad.
second, I lost my lovely dad back in 2006, he was 55, he had what we think was a massive heart attack.
God, the pain was unbearable, my heart physically hurt. We had our differences but we were extremely close.
i have two vile sisters and as soon as he died they made my life hell. My Dad always defend es me as he knew what they were like (money orientated) they wanted to see what they could get their grubby little hands on.
My Mum was completely destroyed. I had a little baby boy of 5 months at the time. I stayed with my Mum as she kept threatening that she would harm herself.
i had to put on a brave face but I had this enormous dark colour over me. The ache in my chest was so bad, as I’m writing this I just felt it again.
i don’t know if you are religious or believe in an after life, however, I will just tell you something that happened to me.
My Mum lady me at her house for a week to my sisters wedding.
i has just fed my son and I took him upstairs for his nap and I went on the sofa and kind of dozed. I had like a kind of dream, My Dad was there but I couldn’t see him, I could only feel him. I’m the dream he said to look for a red ribbon and ot would prove he was there, I woke up and started to look for it but then I was desperate. I realised I was being silly. I didn’t tell anyone about this as I chalked it up to a dream. When my Mum came back she had got me a pair of trousers, when I went to look at the size and attached with a little safety pin as a red ribbon. I was so shocked. (Just a littl story)
i still feel the pain, my Mum now has advanced dementia and she has forgotten who I am so I feel so alone.
its one of the worst pains you will ever feel. It does ease in time, but it takes time hun, little by little the cloud will pass and you will see the sun again, then there will be days again where the light cloud covers it again.
your Dad will know how much you loved him and how much you cared. You are and always will be the apple of his eye.
its funny you mention about messages from your Dad. I used to play the messages on my answer phone every day, then all of a sudden they just deleted. I was heartbroken. If you need to talk to anyone then feel free to message me. Sending big hugs to you xx

I lost my dad in April this year and I am the same age as you OP and similar relationship with DM who wasn’t with my dad for 30 years . It’s so very hard especially when it feels like everyone else in your life still has both parents . I also took my dad’s possessions and echo the feeling of taking care of them for him . I still check his emails every day as though he’s still here .
I have to say apart from my dad’s sister I’ve had very little meaningful support from anyone . My DP has no parents but says I mope too much my dad’s brothers seem to be of the frame of mind that my dad wouldn’t want me to be sad . He died suddenly alone and I found him and I can’t relate now to anyone who’s not been through some kind of loss . It’s just so hard .

9 months may as well be yesterday @IsaidIwouldBeStrong its absolutely hardly any time!

I lost my dad nearly 20 years ago when I was very early 20’s and while I’m mostly always ok, i definitely don’t think I’m unusual when I say at least once a year I will randomly be overcome by grief and burst into tears (not even normally on a day that would be expected like the anniversary) and still miss him terribly, not all the time but it’s there, Not to a point where it unhealthily affects my life but the pain of losing him has never completely gone. I can think about him happily now but there is always going to be a tinge of sadness at times too.

the truth is i don’t think there will ever be a time when not having him in my life will ever feel ok but I will never ever forget him or the love we shared. I worried about him fading but i now know that doesn’t happen. Certainly things move in and out of focus so one day I’ll remember his hair more than his eyes or his hands better than his voice etc but nothing has ever truly got lost, sometimes it just needs triggered.
certain foods or smells or music do that for me even all these later.

i may be unusual in that my life when I think about it feels very much separated by before dad died and after.

things will become less severe but it takes time and as long as it’s not adversely affecting you being able to live the allow yourself that time without judgement.

my friend found grief counselling helpful after losing her mum. About 12-18 months after she died my friend became aware that things weren’t quite ok so she had some counselling to give herself a space to feel things and get some support.

I can feel from your words how much you loved and miss your dad. I have a very close relationship with my dad and I suspect I would totally fall apart without him I love him so much. Take comfort in the fact he knew how much you loved him. He got to have an amazing incredibly loving and close daughter. He never doubted the depth of your love for him. He is still with you as you are made from him. When really down seek comfort from your children.

@CustardCreams2 bit insensitive coming onto this post full of people who have lost their dad when you still have yours .

What? My post was intended to comfort. Bit harsh

Ah, it's okay, thank you both for your posts. @Owls912 & @CustardCreams2

Thank you for coming on, and taking the time to say your kind words, I appreciate every one of them. I would have said a similar thing before I lost my dad Custard, nobody can possibly imagine until it happens. And Owls only lost her lovely Dad in April. The anger you feel is deep, and it hurts. It is natural, because you just cant understand why your parent is gone and why others still have theirs here, esp when older etc.

I threw a 'sorry for your loss' card across the room, from a distant relative who told me to "Add her in Instagram" to "stay in touch." She had both her parents, she absolutely had no clue. And you know what, you wouldn't want to. Life changes, and it is just never the same again. It loses its brightness somehow. I feel there is a shadow over things, and just something in me has changed. Not everything can be fixed now if that makes sense.

Enjoy every minute with your dad Custard, hold him close. Ask him all of the questions about his childhood, or just anything you need to know about him. Tell him you love him, how you feel while he can respond. Check in on him every day if he is alone and older, even if is only a quick text, even if you think you're bothering him, you won't be. Most of all never take him for granted. I'm sure you don't anyway, i didn't think I did with mine, but I absolutely did, I know that now.

I have unanswered question, and things I wish I could have said in the later years. Before I lost my dad I knew it would be unimaginably horrendous, i imagined it, would say to him "what will I do if you, or Mam die. He would say "love everyone has to die sometime!" Only he never told me what to do, he didn't prepare me, because of course he knew nothing could. He had lost his parents, people he loved, and he was scared that his daughter who he had always protected would have to feel this way too. Even in hospital he couldn't open his eyes, couldn't squeeze my hand as they were so swollen, they didnt look like Dad's hands anymore, he had no sensation at all in them. He was skin and bone, had the death rattle, which is a sound not of this world, and was basically locked in. They rang us 2am, saying death was imminent, we got there in an absolute panic. I talked to dad for hours, and he started to respond, despite all of this weakness he lifted his arm and scooped me in, using the back of his wrist to stroke my hair (where he had sensation). I was stunned, he could hear, the strength he mustered to do that, and I know he wasn't seeking comfort for him, he was trying to comfort me in his final hours. It was so controlled, and in response to the words at the right time, and not some sort of reflex, if that makes sense.
My beautiful strong amazing dad was dying, and yet still he was thinking of me, telling me for the last time to be okay, go on, be strong, "it would all be okay love..."

The feeling is so intense, to the core of my being. It is not just the loss of the person which is bad enough, but your view of the whole world changes.
I have lost grandparents, people before, so I thought I got it. But no, I didn't have a clue. It is the finality, as time goes on, am missing him even more. Nobody else, not even your dcs can fill the space, as much as you love and enjoy them. It is an emptiness I will carry for life. Everybody is unique, and irreplaceable. 💜

@Owls912 I am so so very sorry about your beautiful Dad. The fact you have came on here, after only 3 months to message me , shows what a lovely person you are; he will be so proud of you. Finding him like that, I cannot begin to imagine the shock Owl, I am so so sorry. I just hope your dad didn't know anything, and that it was quick, and that he didn't suffer in any way. You did everything you could. If it is any consolation I stayed with my dad when he was dying in hospital. The nurse told me it wasn't imminent, and i would be okay to go home to get a couple of hours sleep. I was asleep 1 hour, then got a call to rush back. I missed him die by 20 minutes. He died with 2 lovely amazing nurses, but without me. One of them said she held his hand, which was lovely, but he couldn't feel sensation in his hands, they were that swollen. I let my dad down, I wanted to be there for his final breath (as absolutely horrific as it would have been), like he had been there for my first. I wanted to hold his arm where he could feel sensation, I wanted to stroke his cheek, and be there until his hearing fully went. The nurse told me dad declined quickly as soon as we left. They thought he was getting agitated when we were there, so they gave him some extra meds, then his vitals just all dropped fast.
I will regret leaving until the day I die. I needed to be close to him. You had no choice. I did, and I left.

My dm was with my dad for 30 years as well, Dad sadly never got over the break down of the marriage. It is horrible, I'm so sorry you haven't had any support, people just don't get it, unless they have been through it; I didn't fully myself before. It's like a few months go by, and people think you should be fine, and cheery, they will quote online timeframes, and grief stages, like yeah you'll be feeling this way, or he is at peace now, then you think well how do you know! It is difficult. Essentially all of the anger is just because we want our Dads back, it is love.
One day at a time... 💜💐

I want something to take away the pain, just a tablet to take. No point in contacting the GP is there? I'll get told to do talking matter, CBT, mindfulness. No amount of bloody talking will take this away. I just want to take something to help , and know they'll give nothing. 😕

Condolences op.

I found my dad dead on 19th July. He hadn't told anyone he was unwell but the coroner said he had died from bronchial pneumonia.

I wish I had checked on him sooner. I keep replaying the moment I found him.

The only cure for grief is to allow yourself to grieve

I learnt after DH died that there’s something called the 6 month low.It can hit a bit later and for me it was at 8 months, a pit I thought I’d never crawl out from.
I realised that some days were just going to be crying days — no point in fighting that, just leads to exhaustion. I’m not going to lie, the crying days go on for a while but gradually there are more non crying than crying days. Then there are days when you feel almost happy. Then days you remember and smile instead of cry.
The first year is by far the toughest. For now take it one day at a time and I promise it won’t always hurt this much.

This is more about the loss of a partner but you might find it helpful. I’ve met Kate Boydell the author , she’s an amazing person. https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/kate-boydell/death-and-how-to-survive-it/9780091902575?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIDTrHDbWuEcdGCIDup8MIOt0&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhqOT0rbNhwMV5JtQBh31XwHLEAQYASABEgLSDfD_BwE#GOR001646299

I remember my nana was on antidepressants for a short time after my grandfather died. I know it was for grief (she'd never had depression) although this was 20+ years ago, so I don't know if they'd give ADs now. But you could ask, I think it helped my nana.

I also took my dad's death really badly and it set me back and worsened my depression and I wish I'd gone to the doctor about it at the time, so ask for help if you need to

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how this must feel. 💐 I think I am panicking a bit. Now my dad has died, how will I cope if it is any of my remaining loved ones? My dad was the closest relative, outside of dh and the dcs. My dm despite her faults I love, and what will I do if it is her soon? Then what if I die, and my dcs feel the pain I'm feeling for my dad. I'm just utterly panicking.