Brother dealing with DV case at work

[Cericwtch]

My brother has a colleague at work who is a victim of DV. This person has only ever had relationships where DV was a factor. She grew up witnessing it, her brother is in prison (reason unknown but something violent), it’s literally been this woman’s whole life.
As is the case with many in this situation, this person finds all excuses under the sun to stay with her abuser.
However, this woman is no wallflower, she perpetuates situations. Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end. It’s an awful situation.
However, my brother has tried to help this person on more than one occasion. He’s got the police involved, liaised with specialist officers, all trying to help her detach herself from the situation but she just keeps going back. Over and over again.
Each time my brother tries to help, suggests a police escort to help her remove her belongings from the marital home etc etc. Nothing ever happens. The woman hates the police, always says she’ll leave but never does.
My issue is that my brother is the person this woman runs to every time another violent attack happens, and he tries his utmost every time to help. It really affects him. It’s now affecting his home life as this occurs every couple of weeks. It’s now affecting his own home life as he goes home to his wife and family but then spends all night trying to play social worker to his colleague.
AIBU to try and encourage him to have his boss try and deal with the situation rather than him?
The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction, instead of just leaving the guy.
I don’t know what do I’m just tired of seeing my brother upset over this and now starting to
see the strain it’s putting on his own relationship.
The woman needs professional help - something that my brother is not qualified in.

Oh dear. People can only be helped when they come to the realisation that they need to leave the situation. Tell him to fall back until she can see this. Unfortunate but...

He keeps saying he’s doing this and he does. But then a couple of weeks later, it all starts up again. He’s so caring he just wants to help, but it’s now starting to affect his home life as I’m afraid to say this woman seems to be using him as some sort of crutch.
This isn’t her first DV relationship either, she really needs some proper professional help

Would it help for him to read around DV so he realises that the time has passed for her to leave? What does he say when his partner points out that he's prioritising a colleague over them? He needs to get out of saviour mode because it isn't going to happen.

I hadn’t thought of that but that is a good idea. He has no idea about DV, he’s literally just being his usual lovely self and trying to help the woman. The trouble is it’s really starting to affect him as stuff like this plays on his mind.
I don’t think his wife has pointed out that he’s prioritising this, but he really is. The woman is messaging him at all times of the day and night and sending recordings of her boyfriend when she’s arguing with him and it’s kicking off. It’s like she’s trying to involve him. It’s going way over and beyond the duty of care he has as her manager.

I think that he needs to tell her as a manager his duty of cate is to involve the police whenever she contacts him. Ask him would he want to admit to not doing that when giving evidence at court? He should be asking HR for advice.

He needs to speak to HR.
They will have policies in place to safeguard him, and ensure duty of care for both.

Then as hard as it may be he needs to step back and follow the policy. If that means signposting to various organisations - that’s what he does. If it’s calling the police, that’s what he does.

She may not be able break the circle, but your brother can for the parts he’s responsible for.

He's not being lovely at all. If I was his wife I'd be absolutely fuming that he's prioritising this woman over his own family. Is he aware he's jeopardising his marriage for the sake of white knighting for this woman?

He needs to take a huge step back and stop getting involved in her drama. It's very sad what she's going through, but she needs professional help, not an emotional pack mule to carry it all for her.

He needs to block her so she can't be contacting him at home day and night and set some firm professional boundaries with her now. Absolutely no good can come from this level of entanglement with an employee, if he's her manager he's also risking his job by getting this over involved. He needs to speak to HR for advice on how to proceed.

He’s not helping her - it sounds like he might even be reinforcing the situation unwittingly, he’s been given a “role” in the drama. He needs support from managers/HR and to be very clear and firm that he can offer x support during x time, not to contact him at all hours.

Your brother needs to have a firm talk with this woman. He must tell her he will not be involved in her dramas anymore. He has offered help, she has refused. Also as pps have said, he needs to speak to HR about it.

He needs to take a big step back . She is not his problem and he should not feel guilty about the situation she has creates for herself. Given the description of her behaviour maybe it's her that is The abusive partner tbh

His management needs to help him put effective processes and boundaries in place. He will end up utterly burnt out otherwise.

As a former victim of DV, and one who has done a lot of work on myself and some volunteering to help others in groups, talks etc, I agree that however kind and well meaning, he is not qualified to help her and the advice to scale this up to the management IS the right way to go. The best thing he can do to help is to get help from the company to help her. He does need to detach somewhat, but I can fully understand how he would not find that easy (as I wouldn't either)

Please try not to be so dismissive of a person who is in an awful situation. You said yourself, she thinks this is normal in some small part of her head. This is not her fault. her inability to see the right path in all this is also not her fault. the 'right' path feels alien to her.

Until you have felt the dark evil cloud of simmering brooding tension from an abuser you will never understand how sometimes you wish to get it over and done with. there is a nice to nasty cycle and it loops round and around.

He sounds as if he enjoys being part of this tedious drama, and is therefore lacking something in his life.

*However, this woman is no wallflower, she perpetuates situations. Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end. It’s an awful situation.

The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction, instead of just leaving the guy.*

I know I'm missing the point but how do you know this? Have you been there when it happens?

If it's the woman saying she does this, it might not be true. It's probably what her abuser is telling her she does and she's so ingrained in the abuse this is what she believes.

He really needs to speak to HR. He is blurring professional and personal boundary lines here and quite honestly this can backfire. He can't "fix" this situation and it's actually not a good idea for him as an employer rep to get too involved. Yes there's a duty of care but being too involved means that he's potentially then setting himself up for trouble if things go in a difficult direction.
I'd just suggest to him that he speaks to HR and asks them to get involved rather than him

He needs to develop professional boundaries, he should be dealing with it in work hours for a start and leaning into support from HR and occupational health.

There is a couple of sayings called "drop the rope" and "grey rock". He needs to tell the woman he has done all he can, and he cannot help anymore. Link her to Refuge and Women's Aid, and then he needs to keep repeating it over and over and over. Same with a phone call - "do you want me to call the police for you? No? Then I cannot help, please contact Refuge and Womens Aid. (End call)". It will seem horrible to do but he has to do it. For him AND for her.

The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction,
Don't. Unless you know and understand DA nuances don't say stuff like this. My stbx never hurts me physically but I can tell by body language, tone, choice of word or even a look to know I'm going to get it later with the verbal onslaught. You wouldn't have a clue as he would be all smiley and chatty with you or others but I would know thats just a facade. Sometimes what the woman does is to bring her guarenteed punishment earlier so she gets it over with. That should show you how badly she is locked into this abusive relationship that she doesn't consider her choice is stay or leave but whether her punishment should be 4pm or 10pm. Horrifying.

On some level, your brother enjoys playing her knight in shining armour.

If I was his wife, I'd give him an ultimatum that he either blocks the colleague's phone or he leaves.

It’s not helpful how you make judgments about how she chooses to deal with the abuse - it’s common that when someone knows that the abuse is going to occur they may do something that looks like it will trigger it as at least then it’s happened and she’s not sitting there in anticipation and fear all night waiting to see what does set him off.

However completely agree that this is not for yoir brother to be involved in; he’s become a part of this whole cycle and he needs to step back and ask other people to help. However like her making the choice to leave it needs to come from him to decide to step back

Like others have said he needs boundaries. He speaks to hr and set up a meeting with her, she is not to contact him on his personal phone and hr can signpost her to dv help.

It's clear from your use of language you are also struggling to understand the nuances of DV. Nobody "winds someone up" because they enjoy the reaction, she is likely if goading him wants to get a beating out the way. Nothing worse than waiting for a beating. Sadly, I know all to well.

A big concern here is actually your brother wanting to rescue her, with a rescuer complex. He's giving her as much time as he is because he can't bare feeling useless. This could ruin his relationship. It sounds like he may have strong feelings about this woman, which may or may not be romantic but some men love a damsel in distress.
She obviously needs to leave, the fact so many women die weekly will be playing on your brothers mind and if she is murdered or injured severely, he will never forgive himself for not involving the police.
He needs to inform his manager and they need to call the police.
He can't make her leave and unless she has DC nobody can twist her hand to make her, if she did SS potentially could.
It's so devastating, your whole life just entrenched in domestic abuse and violence like this poor woman has experienced.
She needs more help than one person can give.

He needs to read about the drama triangle and remove himself from role of rescuer. He's not helping her. She's having her needs met by her partner and your brother and has no intention of changing the situation.

Him being so involved is also putting him at risk of harm if the abuser knows the wife is constantly looking to your dB for help and support,

Good advice

OP, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book explaining domestic abuse

And it's important to know that one of the most dangerous times for a woman in a DV relationship is when she leaves

He is the rescuer in the Karpman triangle.

lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

It is possible that on some level, she's trying to tee him up as the replacement as well as the rescuer - especially if she believes that nobody else would have her/she can't leave her OH/he won't let her leave, as she could think that she needs to have another man in situ to change things for her and defend against the abuser.

For that reason alone, he needs to fully disengage, not least because her partner could direct his rage at your brother.