Brother dealing with DV case at work

[Cericwtch]

My brother has a colleague at work who is a victim of DV. This person has only ever had relationships where DV was a factor. She grew up witnessing it, her brother is in prison (reason unknown but something violent), it’s literally been this woman’s whole life.
As is the case with many in this situation, this person finds all excuses under the sun to stay with her abuser.
However, this woman is no wallflower, she perpetuates situations. Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end. It’s an awful situation.
However, my brother has tried to help this person on more than one occasion. He’s got the police involved, liaised with specialist officers, all trying to help her detach herself from the situation but she just keeps going back. Over and over again.
Each time my brother tries to help, suggests a police escort to help her remove her belongings from the marital home etc etc. Nothing ever happens. The woman hates the police, always says she’ll leave but never does.
My issue is that my brother is the person this woman runs to every time another violent attack happens, and he tries his utmost every time to help. It really affects him. It’s now affecting his home life as this occurs every couple of weeks. It’s now affecting his own home life as he goes home to his wife and family but then spends all night trying to play social worker to his colleague.
AIBU to try and encourage him to have his boss try and deal with the situation rather than him?
The woman sits and goads her partner, not that DV is in any way OK, but she literally winds him up to get a reaction, instead of just leaving the guy.
I don’t know what do I’m just tired of seeing my brother upset over this and now starting to
see the strain it’s putting on his own relationship.
The woman needs professional help - something that my brother is not qualified in.

You’re not unreasonable for not wanting your brother to deal with it. But you’re unreasonable for this ‘Argues and ‘winds up’ her partner knowing how things will end’. And saying she makes up excuses to not leave her abusive partner. You have absolutely no idea what it’s like being in an abusive relationship. Did you hear from her abuser or others that she winds up her partner? Because my abusive ex told everyone that the reason he would act that way towards me because I ‘created it’ and ‘started on him’. Sorry, but if she’s defending herself also, that’s not ‘winding up’ her partner - you evil evil person. Also, of course victims give reasons to stay with their abuser. I tried to leave many many times, yet my abuser had warped my mind to believe I would be nothing without him, or he would threaten me everytime I left, or the entire ‘it won’t happen again’. I’m so sick of people who have never been in domestically abusive relationships blaming the victim for not leaving, or that it’s their fault that they’re being abused.

I've been that person who thought they could help, and ended up involved to the point that my family were losing out. I couldn't see it for a long time, and I felt I couldn't walk away because I was needed and there was no-one else helping this person. I now look back and wonder why I was so stupid.

So yes, good luck getting through to your brother. It's so easy to become blinkered, especially if you think the persons life could be in danger.

I ended up calling a support line for friends and family of those with my friend's issue. It really did help to be told that they were not my responsibility, that they were choosing their route through life, and if the worst did happen when I stood back, it would still have been their choice, and not down to me.

The level of ignorance you’re showing is appalling. How do you even know these details? There’s no kindness or loveliness in someone offering entirely useless uninformed help then gossiping about it to their sister.

OP, does he have access to a counselling service via work?. It may help him to talk through the issue and the impact its having on HIM, and help him create effective boundaries and a pathway to extricate himself.

I think the comments here are getting too caught up in ‘you can’t say she winds him up, you don’t understand DV!’

The point of the post is OP’s brother, who clearly needs to take a step back. There’s only so much you can do for a colleague and he has done enough. His next step needs to be speaking to management to make them aware of the issue, speaking to police if warranted, and either blocking her so she can’t reach him in the evenings or just telling her he cannot provide ongoing support any more. He can give her links to resources and work counselling services if available.

I understand that everyone here feels for the victim but she’s a work colleague and this man has tried to help numerous times. It cannot just take up his free time indefinitely, to the detriment of his own family. That’s not reasonable.

Those of us supporting others in the way that the brother is, also need to unload. When I was supporting someone in a not dissimilar situation, it very much affected my own mental health. And because I worried about keeping their confidence, I didn't share with people, and that made it all the more damaging for me.

OP 's brother isn't gossiping. He's sharing the load with someone who doesn't know this person, and asking for advice. And he's doing the right thing. You can't help someone else by damaging your own mental health.

That's a good idea, and worth him checking out.

I think the brother has contacted the police and specialist officer, ideally he shouldn't divulge confidential info but maybe he also needs help, support and someone to offload too, this is affecting his own relationship and wellbeing too. HR , his line manager and occupational health if there is one need to get involved.

Quite. It sounds as if it comes from the best of motives but he’s unwittingly fuelling the psychodrama, he is providing her with a crutch and an audience.

He is prolonging the situation for her because it’s delaying the process of extrication from the marriage but he’s also putting himself at risk of damage and even physical harm: what if the husband gets the wrong end of the stick about the relationship and targets your brother?

Needless to say it’s also very unfair on your brother’s wife and I assume there is only so much of this she will tolerate.

He’s given her plenty of support and attention: it’s high time he stepped back.

I was going to say this. He is risking his own physical safety as well as his own well being, mental health and marriage.

It may not be entirely her own fault but she is volatile, she may at some point use dB in her arguments with her partner and make him a target, SHE may start targeting him, the partner might see their texting and assume they are having an affair and risk both dB and her to partners anger.

If dB can't control himself enough to distance himself I would seriously consider encouraging him to change jobs just to get away from her. His wife must be baffled/infuriated/afraid for him.

She's picked your brother as the recipient of these messages because to some degree, as her manager, he does have a role in her life. She's massively overstepping and asking too much of this role, making him listen to her rows, but she clearly has trouble identifying and enforcing normal relationship boundaries. It's on him to put a stop to this. He needs to block her number and let her carry on with the cycle unfortunately. Until a tipping point is reached where she feels she can no longer carry on with it, it will sadly carry on.

She has sent recordings of their arguments to my brother. You can clearly hear how it all plays out. NOT that I’m blaming here, far from it the guy is a monster.

To be fair he hasn’t gossiped at all, he’s literally been at his wits end and I’ve asked him whether he’s okay and it’s all come out.

So update on this, thank you all for your helpful replies. He’s contacted HR today and they have assigned someone to help this lady and set some boundaries as far as who she contacts and when etc. It won’t stop my bro from worrying about her, but it may at least safeguard him.
Its to be hoped the woman leaves her abuser in time before something awful happens

Your brother needs to accept that you can't help people like this and it will just bring him down.

Been there, got the t-shirt...

I tried helping a male friend whose wife had psychotic episodes and would attack him, threaten to drive the car into an oncoming car when they were in it etc..., but the more I got to know him, the more I discovered what a narcissist he was, and was clearly not a nice person himself to the point where I felt it likely that he was the cause of his wife's psychotic episodes! The day he said "if you were my friend you'd do this" was the day I walked away and never spoke to him again.

This person needs professional help. There is nothing your brother can do.

So more updates. My SIL has sat my brother down and explained how she’s feeling about all of this. But tonight he’s had yet more messages from this woman who now had apparently left her abuser. This is good news, but for some reason she’s still messaging him with constant updates. My sil is not happy at all. Neither of us can understand why, if she’s left him, she’s still texting at all times of night.

It’s great that she’s finally walked. But these constant updates and messaging have caused an argument between my bro and sil as she doesn’t understand why he’s still being kept involved.
I don’t know, I’m glad that the lady is finally free from the abuse, is my sil in the wrong?

This woman is very damaged. She is in extreme danger of going back to her abuser if she isn't supported at this time and it's quite worrying you think it's over because she has "left".

Can your DB keep sending her links to Refuge, Women's Aid and the local police every time she messages him? Didnt work give her alternative support so she doesn't have to contact DB - can he keep mentioning that? Although... are any of her messages seeking support with a roof over her head for the night?

So she’s safe and has somewhere to stay, plus another place to move to in the next few days. Whether she’ll go back to her abuser remains to be seen. I sincerely hope not. But all she’s ever known are abuse relationships- she witnessed her dad beat her mum for years and then every relationship she’s had has been abusive, The whole thing is a shit show!
My brother isn’t sending links, he’s being there for her ad a sounding board, support etc.
Apparently work HR have been useless, hence my bro stepping in. I just feel
dir my sil, she’s been ever so patient, as anyone would, but feels he’s starting to play too big a role in this now

My SIL is having a tough time at work at the minute and would usually be supported by my bro. She’s come to me tonight because he’s preoccupied with what else is going on. I can just see the whole thing unravelling in front of me it’s awful

I do feel for the brother in this. If a colleague confides in you that they are the victim of DV, most of us would presumably want to help in the first instance. He's undoubtedly found himself in the rescuer role but it might be more a case of him being coaxed into an ongoing saga, through a sense of guilt, rather than actually actively wanting to rescue her. It's probably particularly difficult for a work colleague. Hopefully it will pass, now, given the updates.

Your brother shouldn't get sucked into her chaotic life becoming someone's sounding board is extremely draining,I done it and never again.The person's problems become my problems as I was devoting a lot of time thinking of solutions to help.
His colleague needs professional help not your brother.

Your brother needs to step back. It's not his job to support her and he's not qualified to do so. He needs to refer her to professionals that can help. And try to keep his work life out of his home life.

There are some people who are emotional vampires who suck the life out of people who try to help them. This woman has no intention of leaving her abusive partner.

Now I don't know of the apparent black cloud of domestic violence but there is no reason for your untrained brother to be trying to rescue this woman who has had multiple chances to leave and used none of them.

Frankly, I don't intervene in this sort of personal matter for the staff I manage let alone random colleagues. Your brother is not being kind, he is being stupid and deluded and he should look to his own responsibilities including his partner. His colleague will have to find somebody else to dump her emotions on.

OK so I'm very much a saviour type. The only person you should do this level of involvement with is your own family. What's gone on here is its gone quite skewed but is very much salvageable.

He needs to gradually lower the contact with her. Don't stop altogether suddenly. Extend the length of time between replying to a message. If it needs to, increase by hours, then up to a few weeks, then stop.

I would probably as a sister have a stern conversation with brother, firm but loving, empathetic but clear, about impact on SIL. He may also need some counselling as there is vicarious trauma.